soulsurvivor

Forgiveness is my biggest struggle...with all my family drama and 35 years of unspoken feelings.. I am Mad.. and sad.. and not ready to forgive.....
I have sooo many ppl tell me to "just do it",, say the words and I'll FEEL the forgiveness.
It not that easy.. that also reinforced the message of my youth, that I'm not allowed to feel what i feel..
I cannot really forgive while I am still angry.. I dont know how long it will take..My anger is deeper than my ability to forgive right now.. and i think I should be allowed to feel what i want to for as long as i need to without ppl telling me what I NEED to do regarding my feelings..
I have rage inside me.. built up since i was a child... ignored in my own home..no one to protect me..no one to have my back.. listen or believe what i am feeling.
For once i would LOVE to meet someone who believed in me and had my back no matter what.. someone who wants to go out of their way for me... someone who wanted to know my true feelings and didnt try to silence me.

as an adult.. some ppl see me as a loose cannon.. and extreme liberal. i can assure you that comes from a lifetime of me turning to my mother and other family members for help, assistance, support, or reassurance and always being told.. thats not true.. its not a big deal... and the most popular.. dont say anything or YOUR gonna start trouble..

I have completely detached from my biological family. they think iM Krazee.. of course.. because i'm no longer willing to PLay the games and have them do to my son what was done to me.

they will never change.. they dont want to.. dont see anything wrong with how they are. I AM THE PROBLEM.....

they dont deserve my forgiveness.. I dont actively seek vengence on them i have simply moved on.....

PoetryandHums

This is something that I think about, too. Is it important to you to forgive your family, or do you feel like that's something that other people think is important, but you don't? I couldn't tell from your post. I definitely identify with what you're saying about anger--some days I feel like I've just started to come out of denial and into anger, and there's this pressure to not stay angry, to forgive, but sometimes it just seems like another way of saying "be good, don't feel those feelings, lower your expectations, be the 'adult' to your family..." etc. messages.

My own take on forgiveness comes from my religious tradition--I believe that if I have wronged someone, it is my obligation to a) sincerely regret the action, b) apologize, and, where appropriate, make restitution, c) commit myself to changing this behavior in the future, and d) seek forgiveness. This works the other way, too--I would have to try my very best to forgive my family if they had sincerely done all of these things. You don't have to forgive people who don't apologize, much the less change their behavior and attempt to make amends. I don't know about you, but my family has never come close to any of that!

soulsurvivor

EXACTLY! i am the first person to appoligize, ask specifically what it is that hurt the person and change my behavior..
if my family BEGGED FOR MY FORGIVENESS, explained to me they SEE THE LIGHT, and want to change.. it would still be VVVEERRRYY hard for me to forgive them for the hurt they have caused me..and begin to trust them again..
the forgiveness part would be on me to do the work..
but they NEVER will so I feel like why should i kill myself doing this work for them... ??

rayofsunshine

ANGER/Unforgiveness is like taking poison and hoping someone else will die...

You should forgive them, at least in your mind, ...you don't actually have to tell them.
But let go of the anger and bitterness you feel. It is only damaging to YOU and your
health. Forgiving them is more for you than them. Just try to look at it as they did
the best they could with what they knew, and forgive them. If being around them is
TOXIC for you, you don't have to put yourself around toxic people, but forgiveness can
bring peace to your life.

sograteful

I love your quote rayofsunshine. It's so true. The anger was probably the most difficult thing for me to let go of, too. I sometimes slip back into it and then I realize this whole recovery thing is about ME ME ME ME ME and has NOTHING to do with them......and by my forgiving them, it's not letting them off ANY hook or saying in ANY way that I accept their behavior. It's simply me saying "I forgive you and I won't allow your wreckless behavior to creep into MY life any longer and cause havoc. I'd rather live peacefully in my heart and in my mind...."

I know where you are. It stinks --it's awful. But I can promise you that once you get to the other side and no longer allow them to impact you in this way, you'll feel the load just magically lift off your back ---it's a very powerful feeling.

Good luck to you and your journey.

soulsurvivor

i know i SHOULD forgive them but i truely dont feel it in my heart.. they are not a part of my life and if i were to say it.. i forgive you.. it changes nothing.. i dont mean it.. its not sincere.. im angry and sad...
i think maybe in time.. its been a year a a half.. this time around but i dont feel it yet..

soulsurvivor

no its not.. they are not in my life. if i were to walk into a store and see them I know i would have an instant reaction.. particulaly to my brother or mother. I would want to hurt them physically..
i think feeling anger is easier than the overwhelming sadness. i feel less vunerable. i want these feelings to subside but i dont think i can speed up this process..

sograteful

Soulsurvivor, I don't want to sound harsh. I understand how badly it hurts --and the anger phase is a difficult one. So frustrating!! But my therapist put it to me like this ---she said I had two choices. I could either hold on to the anger and bitterness, and continue to ALLOW her to impact my life negatively --even though at that time we weren't even a part of each other's lives. OR I could DECIDE to forgive her (whether I tell her or not --just something I need to tell MYSELF), free myself from those horrific chains and allow my own life to move FORWARD.

Until you let go of the bitterness, you are effectively STUCK. Life doesn't move forward during that phase --for you or your family. It's a hard phase, I know...but letting go is empowerment and I know you can do it. There's never an 'easy' time. You never suddenly feel it in your heart so don't bother waiting for that moment --it stinks no matter when you decide.

So no better time than the present.......

Good luck to you. Keep working/talking it out.

soulsurvivor

honestly i am afraid to let go of the anger as that will make me vunerable and able for them to hurt me again....
they have not changed.
they see nothing wrong with their actions/behaviors.
they have no desire to change or see things a different way..

I swore i would never let them put me threw this again. this WAS the last time..
it was also the first and last time they ever hurt my son.

i'm afraid if i let down my guard they will sneak in and i'll be back on the roller coaster to Hell..

PoetryandHums

Hmm. I guess I don't know how to respond to this thread. I'm not sure I buy into the idea that forgiveness is an important goal. But I guess, taking a step backward, that maybe I'm not sure what you all mean when you say "forgiveness"? What do you see this process as entailing? Why do you think that this is important? What's the goal?

soulsurvivor

i would LOVE for someone to tell me YOU dont have to forgive them.. its your right...
i guess my goal is for my haterid to subside.. again that may just be time.
my ultimate goal would be for them to see the light, appoligize and be functionally healthy.. but i know that will never be..
so my realistic goal is for me to not want to run them over with my car should i see them.

sograteful

Soulsurvivor, the only reason no one is telling you that it's okay to hold on to the hatred is because it's not okay for YOU. We are looking out for YOU, regardless of what your family has done at this point. And you can NOT wait for them to change.....it may or may not happen --but it's YOUR responsibilty to help yourself get as healthy as possible in the meantime. And it's so dangerous to set yourself up for expectations 'maybe next year'.....because then you'll continually be disappointed.

I, for one, am not going to tell you that it's okay to carry the hatred because that's not healthy for you....I'm not going to tell you that they may see the light because they very well may not.....and I'm not going to tell you that the bitternesss is healthy because....well.....it's just not. Let it go. Make this about YOU and NOT about them. Let go of the anger and the pain and the bitterness to make room for happiness and peace to enter your life.

It's not about them.....it's about you. Free yourself from THEIR bonds. Right now they are controlling your every move. Maybe you need to read some books about codependency? Have you tried that?

sograteful

Oh ---and both of your boals involve waiting --and unfortunately it's not that easy. Sigh. I wish it was. You want to wait for the hatred to subside...and it doesn't work that way --you have to CHOOSE to let it go. And you want to wait for them to see the light....and it doesn't work that way either. They have to CHOOSE to see the light --and they may or may not do that. Their choice is not your problem. YOUR choices are.

May you find peace.

soulsurvivor

ive read EVERYTHING ever printed about co dependency.. which is where i am getting this "im entitled to my feelings of anger bit"... i suppose thats my interpertation bc i want it to be.....i just dont think im ready.. if i was i think it would be easier.. idk....

guiab

This is the difficult part with forgiveness:
I have had people whom I could not forgive face-to-face because they would not 'get it', as they had always always denied wrongdoing, and/or they would twist the facts into a unrecognizable knot resembling a pile of dead snakes and conclude that I was in the wrong.

This post below sums up an approach to forgiveness:

soulsurvivor

deserteyes quote makes alot of sense.. THAT i get.. and could possibly do.. someday..
someone else told me that the feelings of anger i have towards my mother and brother inside of me..that are hurting me physically.. those feelings dont know they are for them.. They only know they are inside of me and hurting me..
i was just sitting here listening to "Jesus take the wheel" and want that feeling of just throwing my hands up and saying and meaning,, whatever happens happens.. It aint my plight any longer....
then i think of how much they hurt my son.. thats what paralyzes me.. thinking of all those months he BEGGED to see them and called them and they ignored him bc they were mad at me.. Monsters dont deserve forgiveness..
i still cant believe they could EVER hurt him like that.. i cant wrap my brain around it,, its hard to fully process..
i will never trust them again.. but i still cant imagine seeing them and not having an overwhelming urge to rip their heads off.

i just dont think i'm ready...

DesertEyes

Hi there soulsurvivor, and pleased to "meet" you

That is just perfectly fine. None of us got to this place in our lives overnight, and we're not digging ourselves out in one night either. One of the biggest lessons I learned in recovery is to end every sentence with "today".

I wasn't ready to forgive when I first started recovery, but I changed that to "I wasn't ready to forgive, today". Eventually I did forgive my parents, but I never absolved them. In fact, I told them that if they ever set foot in the same state my children were in I'd report them to the police in a heartbeat. Today I have no anger towards them, but I don't like them either. They were _not_ decent people.

They were like a burglar that stole my car radio one time. I'll never get that radio back, and if I ever see somebody breaking into a car I'm calling the cops. But that burglar and that radio are gone forever, I'm not letting him steal my emotions too, or my future.

I'm glad you're with us, soulsurvivor, together we can get ourselves healed

Mike

tromboneliness

What good would it do to rip their heads off?

I was going to use the "taking poison and waiting for the other person to die" homily, but rayofsunshine beat me to it -- so I'll offer another favorite:

Forgiveness is giving up hope for a better past.

Put another way, "forgiveness" does not require you to say, "It's all good, no harm, no foul, everything's fine, it was all in fun, and the fact is, I enjoyed the whole thing." But it does require you to decide, "I'm not going to hang onto this resentment like a dog with a bone and let it ruin the REST of my life, going forward."

I've never explicitly "forgiven" anyone for what I may have felt they did to me. If I walked up to my Dad and said, "Dad, I forgive you for being such an ******* these 46 years," he'd have no idea what I was talking about, and if I started explaining, would fly into a rage. So that's not what I'm suggesting that forgiveness implies -- it's more about accepting the past (since it is, after all, stuff that really did happen) and figuring out how to heal and move on.

Have I figured it out myself? Not really -- it's a lot easier to preach than to practice. But that's the concept, anyway....

T

Iwanttoheal

Hi Soulsurvivor

(((Hugs))) flying across the pond to you.

I too have used DesertLoves approach to forgiveness - it makes sense to me.

Forgiveness to me is such a loaded word - it implies let's forget about and ignore all the pain, it's gone now and in the past, let's move forward as if nothing bad ever happened.

I have NEVER forgiven my alcoholic father and codependent mother for my childhood. I cannot forgive my alcoholic brother for all the chaos his actions have wrought on my own family.

What has helped me is this...

I have assigned responsibility to them as adults. My parents did not meet their parental responsibilities, the job they did was NOT good enough - nowhere near. When I think about it, I can feel the anger and the pain and then I move on - it no longer consumes me. One day I got sick and tired of the continual anger and the pain and wanted to let go and move on.

I have accepted that I will never get an apology, accepted that my mother is in complete denial and will always be, accepted that she will never accept responsibility for her actions and accepted that I cannot control her and make her into the mother I want and need.

Assigning responsibility and accepting that I would never get what I wanted set me free and allowed me to move forward.

It looks to me as if you are grieving soulsurvivor and everyone moves through grief at their own pace.

Look after yourself and keep posting, IWTHxxx