transformyself

Ugh. Do I even need to write another word?

I have this friend whose wife left him. He's depressed at times, but is a charmer; lots of women friends who adore him.

I get this thrill when he texts me. He's self absorbed, talks about himself all the time and wants his crazy wife back.

Yet, I find myself thinking about him, wishing he was attracted to me.

Grosses me out. What a waste of time.

I"m glad I notice it. Now I have to do something about it. I know what the hell I do this--unresolved childhood issues, but how do I stop myself from doing it? REcongnizing it is the first step in change, but I resent it anyway and wish it would just go away.

Maybe I"m just lonely...

Live

Move on with whom you talk to and spend your time.

wanting

I hear ya sister! I think it's worth feeling good about that you have recognized this, and not just abstractly, but in a particular situation that you are currently in. So, I guess the next step is, do you need to do anything about it? Like, not talk to the guy anymore?

transformyself

I have tons of friends. Many. That's why it's so clear to me that my attention is turned to someone unavailable.

I think I need to not reach out to him because it's not without expectation.

And let the people who love me do so.

Learn2Live

I'm the same way transformyself. I used to think it was unresolved childhood issues, but after I resolved them all, I realized I still have this same issue.

For me, I believe the reason why I choose unavailable men is, honestly, I don't want to make a commitment to ANYONE. I honestly don't know how anyone lives with another person for their entire life. I'm sure it's got some benefits; it's just not something I want.

I don't want some man hanging around my house, sleeping in my bed, eating my food, messing up my room, leaving his dirty laundry on the floor, spitting toothpaste in the sink right after I have cleaned it, turning on the T.V. when I want some peace and quiet, and creating more work for me around the house.

When I go on vacation, I like to go by myself. I don't want to have to do things that I don't want to do, and I don't want to have to ask someone anything before I do it. I don't want to ask if someone else is OK with me spending my own money. I don't want to go over to anyone's mother's house for Thanksgiving and get annoyed at how she babies her grown son.

I don't want to have to look at or hear some crazy 50-year-old screaming at the television because his football team just made a bad play. I don't want to have to bother with finding the remote, giving someone else directions how to get somewhere while I sit in the passenger seat, and sweeping up the mud they drag in on their shoes.

I hate smelly bathrooms and I can't stand it when someone wakes me up at 2 AM. It annoys me to have to ask someone ten thousand times to do something that I know he will never get around to doing; so I prefer to just do it myself. I want to live my life the way I want to live it. And honestly, I just can't take one more person sucking up to me for 3 months in order to get me to go out with them, just so that they can then act like I don't exist.

Learn2Live

Does he have any skills? Like carpentry, plumbing, HVAC, small engine repair? Because since his wife is gone, that means he's got nobody to please. So, if you need something fixed around the house and he can do it, I say ask. It'll be good practice for you to get your needs met without giving anything in return but a thank you and perhaps a dinner with the kids around the kitchen table.

LaTeeDa

Wow! I think this must be a record for number of generalizations and stereotypes in one post.

No wonder you don't want a man in your life if this is what you think they are all like.

L

Learn2Live

Well to be honest, they weren't generalizations or stereotypes. They were all the things I have experienced in relationships that I do not want. And, in fact, NOT having any of those things in my life is my equivalent to PEACE and SERENITY. Your idea of peace and serenity may be different; I respect that.

FreeBird09

Learn2Live, I am in the SAME boat as you are in this situation. I choose men who are not available so I DO NOT have to make a commitment, and I can walk away.. with no pain. I think I need to tend to this issue or I am going to be going in circles forever and a day!.. (and here I thought it was just me.. phew, glad it isn't!!) Thank you for putting it out there for us.

GiveLove

Transform, good for you for identifying this tendency. It's one I used to share, and oh the heartache it caused me and the people who loved me. Awareness of it is an all-important first step.

Even if a potential partner is without the kinds of flaws L2L brought up (and indeed there are some very good men/women out there), I still seemed to latch onto the ones that were unavailable. It was a holdover from my childhood, having had "partnerhood" modeled for me by an incredibly unavailable father. (What? That's not normal? )

It was what I knew. And as one of our dear members here says, now that I know differently, I will do differently.

Learn2Live

I think perhaps my original post is misunderstood. I am not complaining about any man, am not pointing out what is "wrong" with anyone, not angry at past boyfriends or whining because I haven't gotten my way. I'm not pointing out flaws or shortcomings or stereotypes. What I am saying is that if I want to be happy in life, I have to know what it is I want. Half of knowing what I want, is knowing what I don't want. It's like going shopping for a sweater. If you don't know that you don't want a bright, neon orange sweater, how will you know not to buy it? I know what brings me peace and I am content with my life the way that it is.

Thanks for sharing FreeBird. I have finally reached the point in my life where I KNOW what I want and what I don't want for my life. It started with not wanting to be drunk anymore, which culminated into wanting to get a college degree so that I could fully support myself. Because I reached for that ONE thing, I have benefited immensely.

That college degree has paid for itself a million times over and has allowed me to be financially independent. This allows me the benefit NOW, after all these years, to own my own home, which having lived in it, alone, for some years now, I now have found what is my peace and serenity. I live my life in a way that is routine and structured for the first time in my life and I know that is what I want (not to mention what I need for me).

I knew a woman years ago who was married and had a son. However, she and her husband lived in separate homes. At first I thought that was really messed up. But once I asked her about it, it made sense. She said that she liked to live separately. I thought that was the strangest thing I had ever heard. But now I know EXACTLY what she meant. Because I would like to have a partner who is completely sefl-sufficient and who wants to be with me for me, who enjoys my company and I enjoy his.

Being this way, that is, knowing what I want, is what made it so relatively easy for me to let go of the crack addict who came into my life 2 years ago. Thanks for listening. I hope you find what it is you want in a partner.

gowest

Well I don't have a man in my life right now.

I will say that I really enjoy having them around for many of the reasons L2L doesn't like them.

I love them sleeping in my bed (as long as they don't snore - otherwise i'll sleep with the kids).
I love them eating what I cook (as long as they do the dishes)
I leave more dirty laundry on the floor than most men I've met
Most men I've lived with have done more housework than I have (it isn't my forte)

I love sharing vacations with someone as you never know when you will be introduced to something new (I also need to go away by myself)

I don't "ask" permission to do things or to spend my money. I do enjoy an adult conversation about budgets, life goals and who is doing what over the weekend

I've found that no one else's mom annoys me as much as my own!

I love football & talking to the tv
I not only hold the remote but channel surf
I almost always drive because otherwise I get car sick.
In true codie form I love giving directions when I am not driving!!

I don't know anybody who doesn't stink up the bathroom occasionally.
It is almost impossible to wake me up at 2am!

I've learned to only ask once and understand that nagging never ever works.
I don;t have a problem doing something myself if it needs to get done.

I like men. I'm ok alone but I miss having a partner sometimes.
Sex would be nice too!

I don;t care about all those things as much as I'd like to find some one who can engage in a real adult communicative relationship AND to whom I am physically attracted/want to touch. It seems that this would only work for me if they were available

edited to add: I don't think that finding some one who lives nearby but doesn't necessarily sleepover all the time sounds like such a bad thing. gives everyone "together time" and "space"

Learn2Live

Thank you gowest! I LOVED reading your post! I have a GIGANTIC smile on my face.

gowest

Well my house is a mess and the laundry is piling up rapidly so I need to find someone soon.

A JOKE EVERYBODY Ha ha ha ha .....

transformyself

YOu know, most of the time I feel pretty good about myself. I know that I"m special and that the folks I chose to spend my time with are special. At the risk of sounding arrogant, I carefully chose the people I spend my time with.

I've slowly weeded out folks who are needy (energy suckers I call em), obnoxious, or just plan crazy. Now it's time to stop chasing guys who don't love me.

Learn2Live

Too funny! I will come over and help you do laundry. Just let me know when

Learn2Live

I need to be be more careful about who I spent time with too Transform. I don't think you sound arrogant at all.
And I love you.
One more thing, my girlfriend keeps getting on me about making the tallest list I can of ALL the things I want and don't want in a man. I think this list has something to do with the book, "The Secret." Maybe try that to help weed out the "unavailables"?

Jadmack25

I am 65 and for the past 7 years, since ABF and I quit sharing a unit, we have each had our own place. Now I have moved into a unit in the same complex as ABF, just 30 second walk away, but when one of us goes back to our own place, it may as well be miles apart.

We spend alternating nights for dinner at our own home, share a car, he helps me with the heavy stuff and gardening, and I do whatever I can for him. Usually we are in our own places by 9pm, as he is an early to bed boy and I get on computer as I am a night owl.

Used to be a darn hassle, me being quiet while he slept, then being woken early when hewas up all bright eyed and bushy tailed.
When he was drinking it was a plain and simple nightmare, as he could stay awake all night, stereo blaring and him quacking etc, which I mainly why I split 7 years ago.

Now I have the best of both worlds, and OH BOY am I ever enjoying it all.

God bless

Learn2Live

Thanks Jadmack! See, that is a nice alternative to the "usual" way. Sounds like something I could definitely live with! Thanks for sharing.

LaTeeDa

I have to say that I never thought I would find someone like this. Well, it's been over two years now, and still working. Add to that he is adventurous, funny, and creative. And he encourages those qualities in me. There are things I have done and places I have gone that I probably wouldn't have on my own. Same goes for him. We stretch the possibilities in each other, we encourage the other's dreams and aspirations, and we both are understanding when the other needs some space. If I had ruled out the possibility of having someone in my life, based only on what I had known in the past, I never would have allowed him to share in this wonderful part of my journey. And I would have missed something incredible. (BTW, we don't live together, but we usually spend a night or two together every week. And we travel together whenever we can.)

L