summer09

As I sit here I feel confused and annoyed. I have been struggling with my bf odd behaviour for 7 years. I realised 1 year ago that he had a major problem with alcohol he also had used cannabis/cocaine recreationally. To him it was no problem. He got drunk 3 times a week (minimum), lied about his drinking, hid the bottles etc. I made the mistake of believeing him rather than listening to my own intuition.

Fast forward 7 years and if I had known then what I know now I would have taken my heart and run. Now I feel trapped, not by his drinking but by my inability to leave him. I am on an emotional rollercoaster of a ride. When he is not drinking my life is peaceful but when he is drinking I hate him and I always say to myself I must leave him but then feel guilty and anxious. I realise that he has a disease but this does not make me feel any better when he causes havoc wherever he goes. Like turning up at my place drunk and refusing to leave! Ignorance is bliss sometimes.

I have had numerous conversations with him about getting help. I mentioned AA he said he went but did not like it. I have mentioned counselling but he does not want to talk to anyone. He has now agreed to go see someone with me so fingers crossed. He seems to think that he can give it up on his own without outside help. He recently did not drink for 2 weeks but then got drunk on friday. He uses this as an excuse that he can give it up if only for a short time! I am very grateful for those days when he is not drinking. Yet I know that it will not last.

I have been going to al-anon meetings and these have really helped me. I know that I need to work on myself and get stronger for me. I feel really sad now when I look back at how much time has past that I have spent obsessing over him and I am still doing it! It has taken me a long time to realise and accept that I also have a problem because I cannot stop enabling him and obsessing about the situation. But I am stronger than I was a year ago. I am starting on focusing on my life instead and start doing activities that I enjoy.

I hope that God gives me the strength to change so that I can make positive changes in my life.

Learn2Live

I would suggest getting more physical distance from the situation.

I'm glad you are going to Al-Anon.

Chrysalis123

Have you tried an individual counselor for yourself? Lots of people find counseling one of the best gifts they ever gave to themselves when in similar situations.

summer09

Hi Chrysalis, I did try counselling a few years ago but never seemed to get anywhere I think I was stuck in victim mode. It is something I want to look into but it is so hard as there are so many counsellors out there and it is expensive.

Bernadette

You give a perfect description of the roller coaster:

When he is not drinking my life is peaceful but when he is drinking I hate him and I always say to myself I must leave him but then feel guilty and anxious.

I lived my life for a long time having given the A's control over the ups and downs of my life. What a nightmare. It seems so obvious now, but looking back I really had to learn and accept that I could step off this roller coaster ANYTIME I wanted to. I just had to make that choice and commit to a plan of action to keep me off that ride!

AlAnon helped me with that, and counseling, and reading books about alcoholic family dynamics and codependency.

It may not be easy, at first, to put on the brakes and step off, but it is worth it!

peace-
b

summer09

B, thank you for reminding me that I have choices. It just hit me that I have a lot of growing to do.
x

Wolfchild