starting1over

About 8 years ago, I wandered across this site. I still think it was a sign of what was to come. Hind sight being 20/20. I fought long and hard to keep my relationship together, even settled for things I wouldnt ordinarly do. Believe me when I say I went to H*** and back. Lost 3 jobs because of him, (my exh-a). It's been 16 1/2 months since I cut all ties with my ex HA. One of the things that I eventually grew tired of, was being in limbo for so long, not moving forward and not moving backwards. Things got better, he went to jail quite a few times, I enjoyed my life without him, I guess I would say that I got a taste of what life was about. The people that have came into my life and the things that I have learned while on this site, has helped me tremendously on what I was to do.

My question is why do I still feel like I'm cheating on him when I look at another guy or talk with one? Going on a date is almost too much for me to handle. I know this, so I have relaxed that aspect of my life for now. How do I overcome my loneliness. All friends are gone, I work all day and have the kids stuff to do at night, to get up again and do it all over. I dont have anything left over after the bills are paid. Luckily I am barely scraping by. I know there are healthy people out there, I was just too beaten emotionally of years being told how stupid I was and crazy I was. Sad but I beleived that, a part of me still does. Three anti-depresants later, I feel better, not all the way fixed, my self esteem has taken a real bad turn. I'm not even sure theres anything left of it, to give me something positive.

I hope the ones that are new to this site reads my post. Maybe I can save someone else from getting to the point that I did. 9 years was a long time to put up with an Addict. I realize now what a toll it put on me, looking into the mirror I can almost see the changes of a younger person coming back to me. I guess stress will age you tremendously. So my friends thank you for all you have done for me.

Chino

Your post oozes self esteem. You did the right thing for yourself and you keep doing it. You've made it to the other side

Is there any way you might be able to look differently at the crazy and stupid thing? I've done a few crazy and stupid things in my life but I'm not crazy and stupid. I wouldn't have learned from them if I was, right?

Please continue to be kind to yourself and take all the time you need to heal.

Impurrfect

I agree with ((Chino)) - it takes time. Think about it...undoing 9 years isn't going to happen really quick, more than likely.

I'm a recovering addict as well as a recovering codie, so I work on not beating myself up on both accounts. I have a worse time with the codie part, because, for me, that's what led to my addiction (not being able to control the addict, so join them!!).

I've been working on this for a little over 2-1/2 years, and I do now have way more good days than bad. I don't do much more than work 2 jobs and go to school, no where near ready for another relationship, but that's okay for today because I'm working on me. I'm repairing some damage I did in the past and trying to improve my chance for a better future, so that's what I have to do.

I hope you find a few people for friendship/support. I have just a few, other than all those here but they are invaluable.

I think you're on the right path, it's just hard when we want to feel better, faster, or at least I do.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

IPT

this is a great place for support. Good for you doing the things you did. I am sorry that he told you the things that he did. It does take time to rebuild. I found the book "getting past your breakup" by Susan Elliot to be very helful to me. It is actually more about learnign about you and what you need to do to move on and develop a happier and healithier life, figuring out how you got where you are than about the breakup really. I highly recommend it. I think based on what you wrote you especially will find some value in it. ******{Hugs}}}}

lightseeker

It took awhile for me to understand how lethal addiction is....and I mean on the people that live around a substance abuser. Like you....I wish that I could be a poster child for those that come here wondering if they should stay in a relationship with an addict. I understand the allure because I stayed. However, I wish that I had stood back and let him get sober on his own and demonstrate some long term stable recovery before I continued a relationship again. The shoulda, woulda, couldas creep up on me from time to time.

A niine year relationship is a long time. It's just going to take some time. Working, kids, and life take up about all of the time that you have so it's hard to find "me" time. Even if it's 15 minutes a day it's important for me to grab that. What feels good to me? For me, it's trip to the library, listening to music, going for a walk. I have my kids involved in church so that's a place for me to find companionship. Alanon meetings also help me a whole lot. Having a daily practice is helping me to learn to forgive myself.

You are not alone and it sounds to me like you've done an amazing job of being resilient and landing on your feet. You sound like someone that I would love to know in person and be friends with. My husband has said horrible things to me and the words still echo around in my head even though I know that they shouldn't. I've found that by taking small baby steps to address the areas that "sting" that I am slowly making those words quieter.

I like IPT's suggestion to learn about you. I do well with workbooks because they give me structure.

Glad to see you here - hope that you will stick around!

Ann

I think we all grieve when we let go of our addicts, whether we are moms or spouses or friends. We grieve the loss of what might have been, the loss of our dreams, the loss of the person we used to know who is no more.

It takes time to walk through the darkness of grief, but it is necessary before we can walk forward into the light. Resolved endings make for good beginnings and I have a feeling there are some wonderful beginnings just waiting for you in days ahead.

Something that may help is meetings, where you will find support from people who have been where you are. Even though the relationship is over, this program can help you find "you" again and heal from past wounds. If it's possible to get a babysitter for a few hours a week, it might be helpful to try a few.

Hugs

peaceteach

It took me a long time before I dated. Five years, and then it was only because my good guy friend from high school came back into my life and I felt really, REALLY safe with him. And I still felt guilty about it!

I heard once that it takes one year for every 7 years you were married before you actually feel divorced. Or maybe it was for every 5 years? I don't remember, but it certainly applied to me. My guess is that this is true with many marriage break-ups, not just ones with an AH or AW involved. I remember asking a divorced guy friend of mine how long would it be before I felt "normal" and "okay" with being divorced. He said for him it was about 5 years.

I think it's perfectly okay to only do what you feel comfortable doing for a while. 16 months really isn't that long. If working and taking care of your kids is all you can manage right now and still feel okay with yourself, then you are right where you need to be. How about turning this area of your life over to your HP to provide for you when you are ready, emotionally, spiritually, physically, for a new relationship?

Be your own lover. Be your own best friend for a while. Spoil yourself because you deserve it. Establish how you want to be treated someday by someone else by first doing it yourself, FOR yourself. Work on your looks, clothes, hair, make-up, if that would help your self-esteem (it did wonders for me). Lighten up on yourself about the whole dating thing. You are fine, and your HP knows just what you need right now.

Wolfchild

Welcome back.

starting1over

Thanks everyone for replying. Im real glad to be back. For weeks I have been sitting here thinking what I should do next. Last night it hit me, the place it all began. Soberrecovery. I know about the cross addicted thing, codependent and addict, myself. It did suck to have that feeling of not wanting to deal with life and smoking that joint to calm me down. Its very hard day after day, but i stilll have some way to go from climbing out of this hole. Only the 9 years was bad, we were together for 17 years, started dating him in my junior year of high school. I guess thats another reason I did fight so hard to make this work. It was a few weeks ago that I realized I was the one still keeping myself in limbo, I have even found myself scared to start a new relationship, dont want another one going bad. and its not just relationships but even friendships, for so long it was me and the kids and no one else except him, had no contact except the coworkers that I wouldnt hang out with outside of work. i need to take the time to find meetings here to go to. I need some in person support too is what im findiing, thanks again everyone