Mama22Boys

I need some coping skills for dealing with rage today. I am really, really angry, and I know it's not healthy.

My in-laws were supposed to fly in on Monday to meet our new son and visit for a week. This has been planned for a looong time. Well, they found out about their son's relapse and my MIL went and cancelled their trip because she said she could not handle the uncertainty.

I understand her feelings, but I was still mad. I had even scheduled my baby's baptism so she and my FIL could be there. Well, it's her decision and I made the mistake (really) of telling her I was mad when I should have backed off and let it go.

The reason I'm so angry though, is because after we spoke on the phone, I thought I had probably overstepped my bounds and I emailed both her and the FIL an apology. Well, received a long NASTY email back from FIL that said some really awful things about me and strangly enough, the city I live in.

I was so shocked to read such nasty mean stuff. I have met FIL about 4 times in six years. He's only seen my older son 3 times. He isn't what you might call "hands on" grandpa. But he must have been itching for years to say what he did...and it really hurt.

It's silly for me to get that hurt over someone who is practically a stranger to me. I'm having a very very hard time letting it go, and I'm not sure why or how I can. It makes me so angry that someone who does not know me very well if at all can make such horrible statements, especially in response to an APOLOGY, since I realized I had talked out of turn to his wife.

These are my husbands parents, and we've butted heads over the years. I sort of thought that was done though. Part of me wants to be really really petty and say FINE THEN you jerks, it's your loss anyway since I don't want people like you around my kids. But I'm praying to find acceptance of their views and I know a good mom would just let it go and allow whatever relationship they want to have with my kids.

I'm just so angry at him.

Well, thanks for letting me share. I allowed his email to throw me into a major state of self doubt and self loathing and that sucks. I hope I get past it soon. Thanks for listening!

IPT

wow - I can totally understand why you would be hurt. Seems to me like you were sort of blindsided by the contants of that email. Not really sure what else to say, but I know the feelings from stuff my ex has done and strugled myself to let it go. Hugs from me.

cece1960

Awe honey,
Don't let his careless email turn your feelings against yourself. He owns his own anger, and you are entitled to yours. You have every right to be angry. At least you had the grace and decency to offer an apology.

Let yourself be mad, process it, then let it go.

Think of it as not letting his email have the effect he was hoping for...the ultimate revenge He's not worth it

Hang in there

Ann

You said things in anger that your regretted, and did the right thing to apologize. It appears he sent that e-mail in anger too, and maybe will also apologize one day...maybe not.

Their son, your husband relapsed. That just had to set everyone's nerves a jangling, yes?

Maybe just take this as a bad time where fear/anger/hurt feelings got in the way of your relationship with them. Maybe giving it some space and some time will help clear the air when you all feel a little better.

And most of all, give yourself some time to breathe here and enjoy your sons baptism.

Keeping you and your family in my prayers.

Hugs

URMYEVERYTHING

This is not to justify their actions, however, their behavior and actions could possibly have nothing to do with you.

They could have made their own boundaries and when they learned their son relapsed, they followed through on them.

I had a similiar experience with my RABF's mother as well. It put me into a tailspin. I had to rspect her boundaries not to call her and talk to her about her son (even if it was progress). She needed space and honestly looking back at it, so did I.

4mychild

I am praying for you and your family. I am so sorry that this is happening to you at a time when you should be celebrating your child.

Puggrinz

Sometimes the parents or other in-laws of our A/A family members need someone to blame for their anger and or resentments.

Because of their not understanding the nature of addictions, they feel bad getting upset or angry at the addict. They project their feelings onto the wrong person.

So they blame the person who is NOT the addict. In a way they feel safe doing this. After all, the addict is too unpredictable. You, however, are not.

I can understand the frustration you are feeling. After all, you tried to schedule the baptism according to their schedule. In the face of the relapse you are still trying to go forward with life and do the things that need to be done.

You have a right to your anger and frustration.

You did the right thing by apologizing. It smarts and stings when others are not well enough to accept apologies. But YOU DID THE RIGHT THING.

Just remember, this too shall pass, and easy does it.

Just don't let it ruin your serenity. Say the serenity prayer over and over, take it apart and disect each line of it if you need to.

Sometimes crap just happens. Try setting a time limit for yourself. Say ok, for the next thirty minutes I am going to do nothing but think and stew on this. But after the thirty minutes is up, I am not going to think about it until tonight at 7. And if you find yourself thinking about it at the unprescribed times, remind yourself that you are going to think about it at the prescribed time and not before. Then when your set time comes around, think on it. Then let it go until your next set time. You may just find that you are able to go longer and longer between the set times, or that once your set time arrives you don't want to think about it anymore.

Just a little technique I try and use when I find myself unable to let go of something someone did that I find hurtful, especially when I really WANT to let it go!

hello-kitty

Strategies To Keep Anger At Bay

Relaxation

Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down angry feelings. There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques, and once you learn the techniques, you can call upon them in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these techniques.

Some simple steps you can try:

Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won't relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your "gut."

Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply.

Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination.

Nonstrenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.
Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you're in a tense situation.

Cognitive Restructuring

Simply put, this means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to curse, swear, or speak in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined," tell yourself, "it's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow."

Be careful of words like "never" or "always" when talking about yourself or someone else. "This !&*%@ machine never works," or "you're always forgetting things" are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and that there's no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution.

Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse).

Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it's justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world is "not out to get you," you're just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you, and it'll help you get a more balanced perspective. Angry people tend to demand things: fairness, appreciation, agreement, willingness to do things their way. Everyone wants these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we don't get them, but angry people demand them, and when their demands aren't met, their disappointment becomes anger. As part of their cognitive restructuring, angry people need to become aware of their demanding nature and translate their expectations into desires. In other words, saying, "I would like" something is healthier than saying, "I demand" or "I must have" something. When you're unable to get what you want, you will experience the normal reactions—frustration, disappointment, hurt—but not anger. Some angry people use this anger as a way to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn't mean the hurt goes away.

Problem Solving

Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it's a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn't always the case. The best attitude to bring to such a situation, then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle and face the problem.

Make a plan, and check your progress along the way. Resolve to give it your best, but also not to punish yourself if an answer doesn't come right away. If you can approach it with your best intentions and efforts and make a serious attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem does not get solved right away.

Better Communication

Angry people tend to jump to—and act on—conclusions, and some of those conclusions can be very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you're in a heated discussion is slow down and think through your responses. Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.

Listen, too, to what is underlying the anger. For instance, you like a certain amount of freedom and personal space, and your "significant other" wants more connection and closeness. If he or she starts complaining about your activities, don't retaliate by painting your partner as a jailer, a warden, or an albatross around your neck.

It's natural to get defensive when you're criticized, but don't fight back. Instead, listen to what's underlying the words: the message that this person might feel neglected and unloved. It may take a lot of patient questioning on your part, and it may require some breathing space, but don't let your anger—or a partner's—let a discussion spin out of control. Keeping your cool can keep the situation from becoming a disastrous one.

Using Humor

"Silly humor" can help defuse rage in a number of ways. For one thing, it can help you get a more balanced perspective. When you get angry and call someone a name or refer to them in some imaginative phrase, stop and picture what that word would literally look like. If you're at work and you think of a coworker as a "dirtbag" or a "single-cell life form," for example, picture a large bag full of dirt (or an amoeba) sitting at your colleague's desk, talking on the phone, going to meetings. Do this whenever a name comes into your head about another person. If you can, draw a picture of what the actual thing might look like. This will take a lot of the edge off your fury; and humor can always be relied on to help unknot a tense situation.

The underlying message of highly angry people, Dr. Deffenbacher says, is "things oughta go my way!" Angry people tend to feel that they are morally right, that any blocking or changing of their plans is an unbearable indignity and that they should NOT have to suffer this way. Maybe other people do, but not them!

When you feel that urge, he suggests, picture yourself as a god or goddess, a supreme ruler, who owns the streets and stores and office space, striding alone and having your way in all situations while others defer to you. The more detail you can get into your imaginary scenes, the more chances you have to realize that maybe you are being unreasonable; you'll also realize how unimportant the things you're angry about really are. There are two cautions in using humor. First, don't try to just "laugh off" your problems; rather, use humor to help yourself face them more constructively. Second, don't give in to harsh, sarcastic humor; that's just another form of unhealthy anger expression.

What these techniques have in common is a refusal to take yourself too seriously. Anger is a serious emotion, but it's often accompanied by ideas that, if examined, can make you laugh.

Changing Your Environment

Sometimes it's our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation and fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel angry at the "trap" you seem to have fallen into and all the people and things that form that trap.

Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some "personal time" scheduled for times of the day that you know are particularly stressful. One example is the working mother who has a standing rule that when she comes home from work, for the first 15 minutes "nobody talks to Mom unless the house is on fire." After this brief quiet time, she feels better prepared to handle demands from her kids without blowing up at them.

Some Other Tips for Easing Up on Yourself

Timing: If you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at night—perhaps you're tired, or distracted, or maybe it's just habit—try changing the times when you talk about important matters so these talks don't turn into arguments.

Avoidance: If your child's chaotic room makes you furious every time you walk by it, shut the door. Don't make yourself look at what infuriates you. Don't say, "well, my child should clean up the room so I won't have to be angry!" That's not the point. The point is to keep yourself calm.

Finding alternatives: If your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a state of rage and frustration, give yourself a project—learn or map out a different route, one that's less congested or more scenic. Or find another alternative, such as a bus or commuter train.

Freedom1990

Lots of good things said here already.

It's incredibly painful to have an addicted child, no matter what age that child is.

I'm not excusing their behavior, but asking you to put your anger aside a minute and look at this from some other angles.

I do agree with Urmyeverything that this has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with their feelings and the relapse of their son.

It does sound like they have boundaries, and they have a right to stick to those boundaries.

They think they are coming to celebrate a joyous occasion, the baptism of your new son, and then they find out their son has relapsed.

You already said you knew you should have left it alone.

You emailed an apology, and cleaned your side of the street, hon.

I have to remember than when I apologize to someone, it isn't always accepted, and that has happened more than once to me.

I do my part by cleaning my side of the street, and how the other party handles that apology is up to them.

:ghug2 :ghug2

BohemiMamaof3

Great advice has been given here. I hope you'll be able to let go and feel better soon. (((hugs)))

tjp613

Wow, those folks sound a LOT like my ex-in-laws. I could tell you stories that would curl your hair but I doubt you need to hear them....I'm sure they are very similar to your own. This was 20+ years ago and I was a young bride...my entire life I had a huge extended family and if there was ever any drama, I never knew about it! So I was a bit naive and totally dumfounded when my in-laws' behavior was so incredibly rude and hurtful! It took me a number of years before I learned to accept it with grace, kept my head high and let God take care of the rest.

You know what they say: Karma is a B*tch. They have 8 children and have alienated all but one now. They have 8 Grandchildren and only have a relationship with two of them. How sad. But they created that world for themselves and now in they are in bad health and in their 70's and virtually alone.

Like I said, karma is a b*tch.

devastated

I think you did the right thing by sending the apology. It is unfortunate that they decided to cancel the trip and, it is truly unfortunate that the FIL had to respond in anger.

My feelings here are "wow, they sure aren't co-dependants huh?" LOL

I'm sorry I'm not making light of your hurt feelings, just wanted to take your mind off of all that negative stuff and get you back on track so you can appreciate and count your blessings, i.e., a new baby!!!

I have a very bad habit of jumping in and doing everything wrong when I'm angry, then I get the Italian remorse and apologize.

Eh, some times it works, and some times it doesn't! When it works, I say thank you Lord. When it doesn't, I look at it like one less Xmas card!

Concentrate on those around you that love and care about you and your family. If they can't take a joke, forget about em! At least for now.

Hugs, Devastated

p.s. can you tell I'm old and cranky??

Yuliy

it's hard to us for the family things, the only we can do is relax ourselves...don't think about it and don't angry, just do yourself, one day, they will understand you and maybe one day, he will send a email to you for apologizing