Withdrawals from Codependent Behaviours
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Withdrawals from Codependent Behaviours
When I feel the pain of those new here or new to Codependent Recovery, it reminds me of how difficult it was to change, even when I knew deep in my heart and clearly in my mind that change was the only option left to me.
I had tried everything I could think of to change my addict son, I had spent all my energy, thoughts, actions and behaviours trying to get him to change, but thinking I had any control over anyone else was an illusion, one that made ME sicker and didn't do anything good for him.
Change was scary. As sad and dysfunctional as my life had become, it was what I was used to and comfortable albeit unhealthy. My body was physically used to adrenaline surges, my minds was very good at denial or stuffing emotions that might throw me off my course. I remember often thinking "I'll just get through this and then have my nervous breakdown when it's all over". But when it was all over, another crisis would surface and set me off again on my mission to beat addiction.
At first, change became temporary. I would change a couple of things, maybe set a couple of boundaries, then return to my old patterns when I wasn't feeling strong enough to continue changing my ways because it was easier to give in, I knew what to expect if I gave in. I think this was because I had expectations of a cure for me, a fast fix that would save me from myself. Recovery didn't work that way for me.
But the more I did the little things, baby steps if you will, the better my life became at least for a while. The changes helped me begin to accumulate tools that would help me make it through the crisis of the day, and the more tools I accumulated, the better I could cope with life on life's terms.
But I had withdrawals. I felt lonely when my son wasn't around. I felt sad for all that we had been through. I felt fear for what might become of him (and of me). I was afraid a lot and there was no longer the adrenaline surges that helped me get past the fear (and often do stupid things). I felt grief, grief for the loss of my dreams of how life would be, dreams of a future with a healthy son and maybe grandchildren one day, grief for the loss of what used to be and would be no more. This was probably the darkest time of my life and I had a huge meltdown when life just seemed no longer worth living because it just hurt too much to live it. I wasn't suicidal, but I had no purpose, no drive and no dreams to keep me going so I just felt very very lost.
What literally saved my life was to go to meetings and surround myself with support. I had no idea how this program worked, but I saw people there whose lives were much worse than mine and yet who could smile, even laugh, and who had an inner peace about them that shone when they spoke. I wanted what they had, even though I didn't know what that was...yet. I wanted it like my life depended upon it...because it DID.
It was there (and later here at SR) where I found people who understood my pain, who had walked in my shoes, and who would gently guide me to a better path. I found a sponsor who was a she-devil with a heart of gold. She agreed to help me learn to work the 12 steps if I would agree to be a willing student and keep an open mind and do the work required. She called me on my BS because she could spot it a mile away, but called me gently because just making me think about it was harsh enough. And she stuck with me as I struggled along, questioning "why" and taking a long time on each step to make certain I had one step in place before I began another. I give credit to my sponsor and all those who went before me who so unselfishly shared with me what worked for them...and what didn't. They gave me the courage to continue when I really really wanted to just give up.
I learned that it was okay to feel the sad emotions, just not to hang out there too long. I learned to distract myself with a good book, a long walk in nature, a hobby (photography) that filled my time and made me feel good. I learned to recognize my own complacency or triggers, and I learned to do something about them before they did something to me. I learned.
It took time, it took work, but I began to notice small changes in my life. I noticed that my panic attacks were becoming rare, I noticed that I could actually make it through a day taking care of me, and as I connected with a power greater than myself, who I choose to call God, I noticed that I was beginning to feel that inner peace that had been promised by those who worked this program.
Today I live my life well. Maybe for the first time ever I find joy in every single day, I see beauty in nature and in good people, I feel loved because I am finally able to love that stranger called "me", warts and all. I feel worthy of the happiness life has brought me, and grateful too, most of all grateful. I no longer fear my happiness ending because today I have tools to make it through the rough times, I have a God who I trust to guide me, and I have support from people here who I may have never met but who know me better than most of my family and friends. I live well, as life was intended to be lived...even though my son is still missing and lost in his addiction somewhere unknown.
My purpose in writing this is to assure the newcomer and those who struggle, that life CAN get better, WILL get better no matter how hopeless it all seems today. Pain and sadness don't last forever and life is all about change, whether we are ready or not. I no longer fear change but embrace instead the opportunity to grow and learn and move forward.
Never give up, keep coming back, it works if you work it....all just words until I learned to believe them. Today my life is living proof that they work, today I am grateful that I listened even when it hurt to hear what was said.
I don't know if this all makes a lick of sense to anyone. But if one person reads this and decides to give it a try, it's well worth the posting.
There is hope for each one of us, and those of us who have found it will share our candles of hope with those who are still searching because that's what this program is all about...sharing our light.
Love you all for being here for me, and love you newcomers for letting me pass on what I know, because they say we can't keep it unless we give it away and you help me keep it each time you walk through the doors of SR.
Hugs to all of you
I had tried everything I could think of to change my addict son, I had spent all my energy, thoughts, actions and behaviours trying to get him to change, but thinking I had any control over anyone else was an illusion, one that made ME sicker and didn't do anything good for him.
Change was scary. As sad and dysfunctional as my life had become, it was what I was used to and comfortable albeit unhealthy. My body was physically used to adrenaline surges, my minds was very good at denial or stuffing emotions that might throw me off my course. I remember often thinking "I'll just get through this and then have my nervous breakdown when it's all over". But when it was all over, another crisis would surface and set me off again on my mission to beat addiction.
At first, change became temporary. I would change a couple of things, maybe set a couple of boundaries, then return to my old patterns when I wasn't feeling strong enough to continue changing my ways because it was easier to give in, I knew what to expect if I gave in. I think this was because I had expectations of a cure for me, a fast fix that would save me from myself. Recovery didn't work that way for me.
But the more I did the little things, baby steps if you will, the better my life became at least for a while. The changes helped me begin to accumulate tools that would help me make it through the crisis of the day, and the more tools I accumulated, the better I could cope with life on life's terms.
But I had withdrawals. I felt lonely when my son wasn't around. I felt sad for all that we had been through. I felt fear for what might become of him (and of me). I was afraid a lot and there was no longer the adrenaline surges that helped me get past the fear (and often do stupid things). I felt grief, grief for the loss of my dreams of how life would be, dreams of a future with a healthy son and maybe grandchildren one day, grief for the loss of what used to be and would be no more. This was probably the darkest time of my life and I had a huge meltdown when life just seemed no longer worth living because it just hurt too much to live it. I wasn't suicidal, but I had no purpose, no drive and no dreams to keep me going so I just felt very very lost.
What literally saved my life was to go to meetings and surround myself with support. I had no idea how this program worked, but I saw people there whose lives were much worse than mine and yet who could smile, even laugh, and who had an inner peace about them that shone when they spoke. I wanted what they had, even though I didn't know what that was...yet. I wanted it like my life depended upon it...because it DID.
It was there (and later here at SR) where I found people who understood my pain, who had walked in my shoes, and who would gently guide me to a better path. I found a sponsor who was a she-devil with a heart of gold. She agreed to help me learn to work the 12 steps if I would agree to be a willing student and keep an open mind and do the work required. She called me on my BS because she could spot it a mile away, but called me gently because just making me think about it was harsh enough. And she stuck with me as I struggled along, questioning "why" and taking a long time on each step to make certain I had one step in place before I began another. I give credit to my sponsor and all those who went before me who so unselfishly shared with me what worked for them...and what didn't. They gave me the courage to continue when I really really wanted to just give up.
I learned that it was okay to feel the sad emotions, just not to hang out there too long. I learned to distract myself with a good book, a long walk in nature, a hobby (photography) that filled my time and made me feel good. I learned to recognize my own complacency or triggers, and I learned to do something about them before they did something to me. I learned.
It took time, it took work, but I began to notice small changes in my life. I noticed that my panic attacks were becoming rare, I noticed that I could actually make it through a day taking care of me, and as I connected with a power greater than myself, who I choose to call God, I noticed that I was beginning to feel that inner peace that had been promised by those who worked this program.
Today I live my life well. Maybe for the first time ever I find joy in every single day, I see beauty in nature and in good people, I feel loved because I am finally able to love that stranger called "me", warts and all. I feel worthy of the happiness life has brought me, and grateful too, most of all grateful. I no longer fear my happiness ending because today I have tools to make it through the rough times, I have a God who I trust to guide me, and I have support from people here who I may have never met but who know me better than most of my family and friends. I live well, as life was intended to be lived...even though my son is still missing and lost in his addiction somewhere unknown.
My purpose in writing this is to assure the newcomer and those who struggle, that life CAN get better, WILL get better no matter how hopeless it all seems today. Pain and sadness don't last forever and life is all about change, whether we are ready or not. I no longer fear change but embrace instead the opportunity to grow and learn and move forward.
Never give up, keep coming back, it works if you work it....all just words until I learned to believe them. Today my life is living proof that they work, today I am grateful that I listened even when it hurt to hear what was said.
I don't know if this all makes a lick of sense to anyone. But if one person reads this and decides to give it a try, it's well worth the posting.
There is hope for each one of us, and those of us who have found it will share our candles of hope with those who are still searching because that's what this program is all about...sharing our light.
Love you all for being here for me, and love you newcomers for letting me pass on what I know, because they say we can't keep it unless we give it away and you help me keep it each time you walk through the doors of SR.
Hugs to all of you
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 355
Ann
I think this was exactly what I needed to hear today. I am working a program (or trying to anyways). Today I am sad. My daughter is 25 today and she is still lost to addiction. Some days I am stronger than others. I am just trying to get comfortable being alone with me. One day I hope to be like all the other people that have walked through the pain and came out on the other side. Your post makes perfect sense to me. I want what you have. Thank you for posting this.
Gotahavfaith
I think this was exactly what I needed to hear today. I am working a program (or trying to anyways). Today I am sad. My daughter is 25 today and she is still lost to addiction. Some days I am stronger than others. I am just trying to get comfortable being alone with me. One day I hope to be like all the other people that have walked through the pain and came out on the other side. Your post makes perfect sense to me. I want what you have. Thank you for posting this.
Gotahavfaith
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