still not allowed to express myself

Old 10-15-2009, 11:25 PM
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still not allowed to express myself

Just to summarize my story, I split up with my ABF four weeks ago. He left me actually, because I couldn't handle what he calls his "lifestyle". I was and am heartbroken that he apparently chose booze and drugs over us. You were all really great helping me put that into perspective.

But anyway, now I'm in a position of having to stay in some kind of minimum contact with him because we own a business together. I still have to go in a few times a week, but I go in the mornings when he's not around (it's a nightclub).
At this point, I'm hiring other people to replace me so that in a month or so I won't have to go in anymore.
My problem is this though: I am trying to negotiate a financial settlement with him. We've spoken on the phone a couple of times and we haven't agreed yet but I'm trying to keep the conversation pleasant because I know very well that if I **** him off I can say goodbye to a lot of my money, as I'm not well protected legally.
But underneath I'm absolutely SEETHING. He's behaving disgustingly at the moment. There are new photos on Facebook every day of him partying with younger women, posted by mutual "friends". It's like he's having an early midlife crisis or something. He was not like this while we were together, but he's just gone nuts and it's so humiliating to me. I know that most of our friends and our community are seeing this and I feel horrified and angry. I also hardly recognize him and this is confusing. Who on earth was I in love with? Certainly not this man. How could I possibly have been so blind... I'm in therapy, so hopefully I'll figure that one out!
If I wasn't involved with him financially, I would give him a piece of my mind and then completely block him from my life. I'm so grossed out by his behavior and so embarrassed.
But I can't say anything and I have to pretend to be civil. I hate this. I'm tired of having to step around him and his moods all the time, but he's still the one in power and I put myself in this position. YUK.
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Old 10-16-2009, 12:29 AM
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I will say again, talk to a lawyer, with any kind of receipts at all, ie what you initially put into 'the business' you have recourse, no matter where you live.

An attorney can also be your 'go between' so that this 'walking on egg shells' does not have to occur and will give you more peace of mind, etc

There are no 'quick fixes' for your emotional and mental well being, but Al-Anon can help and/or some private one on one counseling with an 'addiction therapist.'

Unfortunately, it is not usually 'pleasant' when one breaks with an A, no matter who instigated the separation. However, by working on one's self, it can be very enlightening and a very 'good' experience. We all seem to finally come out the other side a more put together, healthy individual.

Please see an attorney and get the legal help that you are obviously going to need.

Also, please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care so very much.

Love and hugs,
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Old 10-16-2009, 04:59 AM
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((Free)) I know how much it hurts. My advice is to stop using FB and talking to mutual friends. Go no contact with all of them for a while. I got news, any news and I was instantly devastated. It is just not worth the pain. No one knows what he is thinking or feeling in reality. If you wished, you could also go out everyday and take pictures with strangers and sleep around with a different man every night. Would that mean you are a happy, joyful person? Hardly, in my book... everyone puts in FB what they want others to think.

I hope you can take all this as reassurance on why this man is not good for you. And yes alcoholics are master manipulators, they show a different persona but in the end the true colors are shown. This is who he is. And this is what he does. And this is why you are better off without.

I felt I had welcomed a madman in my heart. It is painful but you will move on from all of this and you will never see him again. He is not a social drinker having fun as he tries to show. You know better. He has a huge problem with alcohol and separating from you has not taught him much or taken out of his denial. Perhaps its not his time yet. Perhaps it will never be his time. Its just an alcoholic in progression. And you can't control him.

They say you REALLY know a person after a break up or divorce. I guess its true.

HUGS!
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Old 10-16-2009, 06:15 AM
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I'm not a perfect person and I've got more handfuls of issues to deal with than I have hands to hold on to all of them with. But I'm not a bad person either. I've made my share of mistakes, yes, but I've done more good with my life than bad. So the many, MANY times xabf would push me aside for "something" better it was devastating to me. I was becoming second best to people and things WAY WAY WAY worse than me!!!

It was here someone posted a commented about being rejected by the reject. And that really helped me see things differently. A close friend of mine said chances are he's just jealous of me and where I am in my life (much further at my age than he is at his and he's 8 years older than me). It's in his nature to make people feel bad because that's the only way he can make himself feel good. And I was no different.

Remember....the alcoholic always has to be the victim. Doesn't matter what price someone else pays as long as he or she can be convinced that the wrong was done to them.

I try to remember a stupid little incident with our neighbors a few months before I moved out of xabf's. My kids were outside playing with the neighbor kids and something happened where one of mine and one of hers ended up crying. The neighbor's kids mom came out of the house (had been drinking), stomping her feet like a child. Pointed her finger at my daughter and told her if she didn't get off the property she'd MAKE her get off and make sure she never ever came back. What happened was the kids fault, he pushed my daughter off the trampoline. The other kid was crying because he thought he was in trouble. But she had no idea what happened and just assumed her child could have done no wrong and therefore the fault laid with someone else. My daughter came home, confused as to why she got so upset when he's the one who pushed her. Anyway. xabf's sister was outside when it all happened and she stormed in the house telling me what this mother had said to my kid. And then got upset with ME when I said I wasn't going to stoop to her level and go out there and pick a fight back. What point does it serve? Okay, she wants to have a pitty party for lord knows what reason. Who cares. Her actions, imo, were childish and irresponsible. Why would I stoop to that level? The only reason people do it is out of anger. I have better things to do than be angry over a childish reaction. I just sighed and felt sorry for her. Sorry that she felt it necessary to talk to a 7 year old the way she did. It's a level I don't want to stoop to.

If I saw xabf acting the way yours is I'd probably feel just as upset as you are. But I can remind myself that I can have a good time without the meaningless activities or actions. Because I'm better than that. Because I deserve better for myself than what he's doing for himself. Because I know if he did get involved with one of the girls he was partying with it's only a matter of time before she learns the same things I learned. I might be hurt for a little while. But in time I'll see that he doesn't have anything that I want. I don't want to act like an irresponsible child.
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Old 10-16-2009, 06:41 AM
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Originally Posted by kv816 View Post
It was here someone posted a commented about being rejected by the reject. And that really helped me see things differently. A close friend of mine said chances are he's just jealous of me and where I am in my life ... It's in his nature to make people feel bad because that's the only way he can make himself feel good.
I just realized this the other day myself & its really helped put more of this nuttiness into perspective... my xabf has nothing - no home, no credit, no money, no job, no friends, and a horrible relationship with his family and no relationship w/his two teenage daughters. And here walks me into his life after 20 years... I've worked very hard to get to the place where I am now - good job, modest home, financially stable, good 'mental outlook' - and his family just 'loves' me - from the first day he brought me around to meet them all... they would always ask him how 'I' was doing, when was 'I' coming around again, etc. - and it would make him so angry because they weren't asking about him... not feeding his 'little god' complex.

When he got jealous each and every time, he would always find something to shoot me down about - pulling out of the driveway too 'hard', not wearing what 'he' thought was a appropriate for a woman (I'm a tom-boy outdoorsy girl), many many more critisisms... until he finally had enough of his family asking about me and completely backed away into nothingness... which I know he did me a favor.

In my enlightened state of detachment that I was able to reach this week, I can now accept being 'rejected by the reject' - it helped me see how good of a person I am inside and out, and to be grateful and 'proud' of where I've gotten in my own life thus far... and nothing else matters
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Old 10-16-2009, 08:08 AM
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If I was Santa Claus I would bring jerks the Miss Manners books. It seems they need it badly.

Cmon, you hurt at a relation and you hurt more afterwards? IS there any time when knowing you does not hurt? Ah yes... the first stages when you are acting as someone else.

I am glad I am out of that and you are, too, Free.

Better to mourn it now while you got your whole life to live healthily and HAPPILY than to waste decades in someone that only has pain to give others. This is nothing compared to what could have been.

As with reckless drivers - just stay as far away as possible and let them crash with someone else.

Hang in there :ghug3
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