thirtybubba

I've learned a lot over the last couple days... not lessons I'm supposed to, I'm sure, but a lot nonetheless.

I oughtta start this by saying, I'm not looking for sympathy, or anything along those lines. Actually, I might only be posting this to see what I'm like further on down the line...

Tuesday I got sick, just some random flu or cold (don't know really) and it's knocked me to my knees. I went into a local bar, thinking a shot of whiskey might 'cure' me long enough to get through the week, which in my case only goes to Thursday. New policy, they only serve beer, and a Newcastle didn't cure me. A trip to the grocery netted me a bottle of bourbon, which was only the beginning, of course.

I've done more shameful things in the last two days than I can remember having done in the last five years--but I'm pretty sure that's just selective memory.

And tonight, I'm about to run out of liquor again, and most of me is happy for that, thinking that it's good, I can get back on track with my sobriety (never did make it past about 20 days) and get back to feeling good. And another part is saying, another bottle'll get me through the night.

I don't know what to think--I know my thought process is messed up by the whiskey, but I know what I've heard all day today, too. I'm a college student, and fairly involved in campus life. Homecoming parade and all, and I ran into a lot of people today, every one of them forgave me for missing yesterday, because I was sick. I could make that up all the time... I'm always sick, right? Or drunk.

All I need to do today is not go back and get another bottle, and I swear, common sense doesn't seem to make a lot of sense to me anymore. What the h- has happened...

I know why I should stop drinking, and I want to be stopped drinking. Just not sure how to get to that second one. I try to quit, and I might go a couple weeks, and it's right back on the bottle and right back to feeling bad about it. I hear on these threads that it's the alcoholic in me saying that, and that's fine by me, but is there another way to make me stop? I know it's gotta come from me--I'm a knucklehead by profession, long before I became a student. The thing I don't understand is that no amount of logic/ emotion is allowing me to consider a life alcohol/substance-free.

I thank y'all if y'all got this far, and I apologize for just never making it. Sometimes, I wonder if it'd be better if I just went away, because I'm no good at quitting drinking anyways... But if it wasn't for SR, I wouldn't even be able to say I had made 20 days. To say there's no support in my life would be inacurrate, I reckon, but to say that anybody besides me (and y'all if so) thinks I have a problem... well that would be a lie. They don't know about all the bottles, and that's only because people seem to have an interest in not looking too hard... I don't hide them. It's an invisible problem in broad daylight.

Well, I got a half hour before my next event, and I'll be alright for it, not good by any stretch of the imagination, but this is how my life is lived. All I gotta do is smile, right?

I hate lying, and that's all I'm doing. Lying in life. Sick of it, and here I am, at the end of this post and most likely headed south again...

Take care y'all,
-TB

sailorjohn

Ime, the only thing that got me to stop was just being sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Hopefully you'll get to that point soon.

least

You will stop when you're ready to stop, I just hope it's soon, for your sake.

mariechi

C'mon, Bubba, you can't give up on yourself or your life. Back away from the bottle. Man o man I wish I had something that would help. I don't think I can anything that you haven't heard a lot of already. Just begin again and really feel how marvelous it feels to be sober.

You have a lot to contribute to this old world. Don't throw it away.

Dee74

I'm not giving up on you Bubba - you can do this.
I really believe that.

But none of us can make the journey for you.

One thing I know for sure tho - looking for the bottle to save you for this, or get you through that, isn't working.....and it never will. If drinking is still your fall back option you're just spinning your wheels - you need change - you need a new plan.

I hope you realise that - really get that - soon, without too much more damage to yourself.

D

Wolfchild

Anna

I know that drinking and feeling like I couldn't stop, make me hate myself. My life was full of lies, and I was exhausted trying to keep the lies straight. I do understand that it takes a lot of energy to recover, but I also know that it's worth it. Don't give up and know that we are here for you.

AlwaysGrowing

tb

We are here when you are ready. Do you have an option to detox in a treatment center?

scoob

I've run in circles for two years trying to stop drinking and smoking and wanting to and failing and going back to defending my right to get loaded, back to hopeless and embarrassed again.

Tomorrow i'm going to my first AA meeting. I'm scared, but i'm more afraid of what will happen if I don't try.

Don't be afraid to try a different approach.

socialismislost

You will stop when you want to. No one else can make you stop. For the alcoholic that suffers today, you have to want to stop drinking more than you want to continue drinking. I hope that you want to stop.

Gypsy Feet

thanks for the reminder. I don't think about drinking much anymore, but when I read posts like this, it reminds me how close I always am to going right back. Keep reaching out. Keep trying ANYTHING and EVERYTHING available to you. Find a program, or a temple, or some great books, or a shrink, or all of these. Your only chance at success is to keep trying to get it right I reckon.

Creekryder

The whole answer lays in the act of not taking that first drink. Fight like you never have done before to not take it. Once you do, the trap has sprung. As long as you drink, the trap hold you tight. When you don't, the steel begins to slowly rust. As more time goes by the trap weakens and loses its holding power. Soon you're able to twist the tensiless metal out of your way and step out. Believe me, Brother, I have been in your shoes, not more than 26 days ago, and not believing I was going to be able to stop. But I did, and it sure as hell wasn't easy. If not for SR, I doubt if I would have done it. Here it is 24 days and the cravings are lessening and I actually can feel a difference in mind and body. You bloody well can do it too. Just want to do it, and don't allow anything else enter your mind except the fact that you are going to kick off the chains.
Come here and talk like you did this evening, except don't ever go away. Over 800 people here want to see you succeed. And that gives back hope to all of us to see you try.

Peace, my friend,

Padraic

lulamay

You don't need to apologise, Bubba.
Heck, we've all been there and it's horrendous.

You've just gotta keep trying. Don't give up giving up now.
:ghug3

OZboy

..i'm sorry 30B..it isn't easy..
..it's a complete life style change and that can be the hardest thing
to face..so dust yourself off and climb aboard again..

..your friend,always..Oz

littlefish

Oh, I remember the times I drank on top of a bad cold or flu: a little whiskey will help me get to sleep, etc, etc. I would drink the whole bottle, then another, then another. I don't know how many times I extended the misery of colds and flus by drinking.....I would undoubtedly have recovered much faster without the alcohol. But it was a perfect set up. I could hang around drunk all day and tell my husband I was sick, and because I was sick I could tell myself I wasn't lying.

If you are in the middle of a binge, is there a student health center you can go to for help? Tell them what is happening and they might help you with both your illness and bringing the binge to an end.

Have you visited a doctor and discussed your drinking? Do you have any kind of program? You mention that you are socially active and have a lot of support from friends, have you tried an young people's AA meetings? (YPAA)

thirtybubba

Thank y'all for being there.

Tomorrow's another day, is the best spin I can put on this all.

Didn't make it through the evening--although I tried, and I'm not feeling too great. Shaking, and feeling very nauseous from lack of alcohol. Another drink will make me feel better, and worse at the same time.

Socially active, but no friends... somehow that's possible. Nobody thinks there's a problem.

I go to sleep alone, listening to the partying... and wonder.

Talk to y'all tomorrow, when I'm better. :ghug2

-TB.

Lenina

thirtybubba,

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. For many years I mostly wanted to find a way to avoid the consquences of drinking but I never could figure it out. Finally, I decided the best way was to not drink at all. As the other have said, far better than I, you have to really want it. For me, that was the catch.

You keep trying. I suggest reading the Rational Recovery book, "The Little Book" I think it's called. It really helped me a lot. The author has some major issues with AA but if you can get past that, I think it's worth it.

We are always here for you. Always. PM me if you want. I'm not able to get to SR every day but will get back to you as soon as I can.

Love,

Lenina

NewBeginning010

Sorry to hear what you are going through TB, know that we are here for you & ready for you to get things going again. We can figure this out.

Take Care,

NB

box3

Keep trying, TB. I haven't given up on you. You don't have to feel like this. Maybe it's time to make sobriety your number 1 priority?

thirtybubba

Sad thing is, I don't really have a #2 priority. I know I won't get through this semester unless I do better at sober days, and yet and still...

There are no words of wisdom left to be said. Sometimes I think I just need a smack upside the head, but I know exactly how I'd respond to such a thing... How did I get to a point in my life where not only am I not beholden to nobody, I wouldn't accept anyone pointing out my faults... I know I've got them, just don't know anybody I'd take hearing about it from. Funny how it works.

And, Box, your byline makes me think of polka dots... Leonard Cohen got some trippy lyrics. I always liked Democracy...

Well, here goes... last shot.

-TB.