AH left tonight

Old 10-15-2009, 05:24 PM
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AH left tonight

My AH has been sober from january to august. he started drinking on august 2. he doesn't drink everynight that i know of but he comes home trashed and yells, name calling. you know the drill. recently he was physical with my son and called "you mother f....." about 20 times. my son told him to sober up. later that night when he was still trashed he goes over and apologizes crying, etc. made me kind of sick. my son told me he wanted him to leave unless he sobers up. my son and daughter are 14

he really doesn't talk with my daughter much. she's just wants to punch him.
they both can't stand when he drinks and yells and yells in the kitchen with noone in there.

of course he blames me for it all.

i recently found out my son was smoking pot and my son told me that he did it to escape his father. i was shocked beyond belief.

i am very open with my kids and my psychologist agrees that being open is the best thing.

my AH and my son talked sat night and my ah told my son that he was going to quit drinking after sunday. he drank sunday came home trashed, etc. monday he went to watch football at someone's house. didn't drink which i tought was good. tuesday he was home and was good. wed in the morning i told him it was either stop drinking and stay home or drink and leave. he ended up drinking last night and told me he only came home because he had no where else to stay. i told him he made his choice. this morning while i was at work he called me and told me we were finished, it was all my fault and it had nothing to do with drinking.

he called early this afternoon and asked if he could stay here the night because he had no where else to go and i said no. he came to get his clothes and i asked if we could sit and talk and he said no. he continued to say i was the reason he drank for 20 years and that i was a bitch, nag, etc. c-word. he told me i was vindictive and anything else you can think of. he told me i turned the kids on him, but the kids have ears and eyes and can see what's going on.

when we were in the kitchen he was telling me to tell the kids things about me which i didn't know what he meant. i think he wanted me to tell the kids i was a nag, etc. my son, which i'm proud of, spoke up and told him to shut the hell up and leave. my ah came over to my son and said he had to leave cuz he couldn't live with me. never hugged him, said i'm sorry. none of those things. my ah didn't even look for his daughter to say good by. he's angry at me but why not explain to the kids or at least give them a hug.

i hope i'm making sense because i'm just typing from the scrambled thoughts in my head. i want to know if i'm right in telling him no, he can't stay here overnight cuz he has no where else to go. is it normal for alkis to blame everything on every body else and not take even a little blame on themselves.

what is my next step? this has been coming on slowly but today was totally not expected. maybe i would have done it next week who knows.

now that he is gone, i really don't want to admit it, but i feel a little relief. a little calmness. i know sleep will be hard to come by but i'm calling into work sick tomorrow so i'm not to worried about that. i would like to keep busy but the thought of folding laundry or washing the floor doesn't appeal to me at the moment. tomorrow is another day.

what do i do with all the things that he has here. like his clothes in the closet and stuff everywhere? do i pack it up and tell him to get it? pack it up and put it in the basement?

please if anyone can help with advice and validate my feelings would be much appreciated. anymore information i'll be on for awhile so i can answer and reply to posts.

thank you
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Old 10-15-2009, 06:05 PM
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Thank you for sharing Regretful! Please don't be regretful; everything is going to work out just GREAT for you, I know it!

I say Good Riddance to that STINKY MAN! (but then he's not my husband so sorry if that sounds harsh). I got rid of one of those kind of people this year too and I am saying Good Riddance for myself, hoping the good feeling will rub off on you!

I am so sorry you and your children are going thru all of this. He should not be talking to you and the children that way. Such tension and stress is not good for ANY of you.

this morning while i was at work he called me and told me we were finished, it was all my fault and it had nothing to do with drinking.
He's the one who said it, so hold him to it. See how peaceful it is now? It gets even more and more peaceful the more accustomed you get to him being gone.

he called early this afternoon and asked if he could stay here the night because he had no where else to go
HAHAHAHA Sorry, that's immature of me. Just this morning he was "done" and now this afternoon he wants you to feel sorry for him because he has no place to go? Honestly, he should have thought of THAT before he pulled his morning stunt.

and i said no.
Good for you!!! Keep it up! THIS is the doorway to your SERENITY!

he continued to say i was the reason he drank for 20 years and that i was a bitch, nag, etc. c-word. he told me i was vindictive and anything else you can think of. he told me i turned the kids on him
OH BALONEY! He's full of it. Stinky drunk man. Blame. Don't listen to it. As long as you own your side of the street, you always know what you contribute to.

i want to know if i'm right in telling him no, he can't stay here overnight cuz he has no where else to go.
Yes. YOU ARE RIGHT. You have every right to hold this man to his word. He has someplace else to go! He's a grown man. He is quite capable of figuring this out himself. Don't you go feeling all sorry for him.

is it normal for alkis to blame everything on every body else and not take even a little blame on themselves.
Yes. Quite. Unfortunately.

what is my next step?
My next step would be to go to Al-Anon.

this has been coming on slowly but today was totally not expected. maybe i would have done it next week who knows.
You're second-guessing yourself but you decided you were done with this man LONG ago, didn't you? I would silently thank him for making it so easy on you by leaving without you having to KICK him out.

what do i do with all the things that he has here. like his clothes in the closet and stuff everywhere? do i pack it up and tell him to get it? pack it up and put it in the basement?
Are his things being where they are annoying you? Because the addicted person who lived in my home had his junk EVERYWHERE. I hated it; it was always cluttering up my home and getting in my way! Not to mention that all of his stuff reminded me of HIM. YUCK! So, I packed up what I could carry and dumped it all in the garage. I did that for MYSELF; NOT for HIM. So, whatever you need to do for YOURSELF, go ahead and do. Be careful not to fall in your own trap of doing things for HIM.

I think you should do with that stuff what benefits your sanity, your serenity, and your peace the most! And I think you should take this time to call some girlfriends and get together and have some fun!
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Old 10-15-2009, 06:59 PM
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As a teenager I lived in a home where my Father would get drunk and say all kinds of mean and nasty hurtful things. You did the right thing to get him away from you and your kids. Enjoy the peace and quiet and make your house a home again without the madness.
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Old 10-15-2009, 07:38 PM
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L2L, I heartily agree with every word you posted.

Regretful! I would head for the nearest Alanon meeting ASAP. There you will hear others speak of how they coped with much of what you faced from him, and from when their A's left them or were booted.

What to do with his stuff? Right now I would sit back and enjoy the peace and quiet, feel the relief from NO MORE VICIOUS BULLS**T whistling past my head.

Maybe later, you and your kids could pack up his gear and clothes and put it all somewhere it is easy to hand over to him.

You and your kids have been thru hell, and had enough from this revolting man, and now is the time to support each other in healing from his manic violent abuse.

When you feel able to do so, look at your situation and get legal advice before making any decisions, and certainly before you deal with whatever c**p your AH sends you, and trust me he will be ranting and roaring very soon.

You may feel it necessary to go for a restraining order, as his verbal abuse has been so bad, and I always think that indicates possible physical violence isn't far away.

I wish you all a peaceful future.

God bless
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Old 10-15-2009, 07:49 PM
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Thank you for you replies. Right now I am emotionly exhausted. I do feel calm then sadness comes. I feel relief. My son is sad but he said he is also relieved. He's also not worried where his dad is staying. i know i did the right thing but can't stop the feeling that i could have done more. i hope these feelings i have aren't around long. actually he made the decision to move out. it was his choice. i just said no he can't stay here just because he has no where to stay.

i'm rambling because my thoughts are still scrambled in my head.

i know the sadness will go away but it just stinks that it's there to begin with. it's like grieving. i think of all the good times but then the bad times come in when he was trashed like florida vacations and at our camp, holiday's, etc. it's so sad.

my dad was an alcoholic also so i remeber as a kid the screaming and fighting. my mom finnaly through my dad out when i was around 14. i rebelled and went the wrong route but my mom didn't explain anything too me. this time i have good communication with my kids and hopefully they'll make the right choices and break the cycle.

thanks again!!!
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Old 10-15-2009, 08:51 PM
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You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Regardless of how badly he would like to blame it on you, this is his deal.

Enjoy the peace of living in a safe and drunk free home, and of knowing your kids have a quiet stable loving home now also.

Al-anon and individual therapy would be helpful to sort out your emotions and fears, there is no need to feel ashamed.
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Old 10-15-2009, 10:43 PM
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I agree with the other posters who recommend Al-anon. It will help so much -- no one will tell you what to do but they will share how they handled similar situations.

You can also bring your kids to Alateen.

The guilt, relief, sadness, anger and anxiety that you and the kids feel is quite normal. After living with an active alcoholic, our own thinking becomes distorted. We DO wonder if we are to blame, if we could have done more, etc. etc. That is part of OUR Al-anon disease and attending meetings really helps us learn to put our feelings and behavior into perspective.

Another thing that really helped me: there are people in Al-anon brave enough to share that they love an alcoholic. I felt so sad when I read your location "ashamed ville." I completely understand. I felt so stupid for loving an alcoholic. I've hated a lot of alcoholics over the years. But when I fell in love with one as an adult, I was absolutely mortified. I couldn't believe I had made such a mistake.

But it was not a mistake. It was what it was. I love an alcoholic. He happens to not be part of my life anymore -- which is a huge relief. But I love him and that's okay. Accepting that is actually part of what made it possible for me to let him go completely.

I wish you the best and good luck at your meetings.
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Old 10-16-2009, 04:27 AM
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thank you all for the posts. why do i feel like i did the wrong thing. i know in my heart i did the right thing. i feel like i want to call him but i'm not going to do that. i'm wondering if he went to work. i'm looking around the house and see him everywhere and things that need to be done with the house. is this the grieving part? I'm going to keep myself busy today by cleaning and maybe taking my son to do something fun. i'm so so sad! i'm afraid of i'm not going to be able to do this by myself. even though he is a alki he has done things around the house that need fixing. i guess i'll have to learn that stuff. i promise today not to be a lump on the couch and to do things around here that I haven't done in awhile. I need to keep busy. i realize i'm as sick as he is because i put up with it for so long i don't know what normalcy is. that's pretty sad. i see my psychologist next friday so i'm looking forward to that. i do have my friends. i'm actually very confused at the moment. i know what happened had to happen. we couldn't live in the choas anymore but why do i still feel like he should be here? Is it my sickness too?
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Old 10-16-2009, 07:58 AM
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Sit down with the kids and together you all can pack his things up for him to get out of the house. I bet with all they have been through they would love that closure and it will bring them closer to you.

My AW tried to tell me I was the reason she had an affair with my bf for 6 months. Things were crappy for us back then and I can see how it happened once. I told her it was BS how long it happened and through some very good times.

They will always point the finger away from themselves. It's too painful to point at themselves and lay blame where it belongs.
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Old 10-16-2009, 08:06 AM
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(((Veryregretful)))) Please read my prior post from about 3 weeks ago, my AH did almost the exact same thing as your AH. It does get easier with time, trust me, it really does. What I did w/my AH's things that he still left around the house was, went to the liquor store, got some boxes and packed up the rest of the stuff and put it in my shed. I let him know that's where it is. When he comes to pick it up, maybe it will send a message, maybe not. Not my problem anymore.
Stay strong. You are in no way to blame, so please don't take it personally.
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Old 10-16-2009, 09:15 AM
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for now me and my son are going to take all his stuff that's in the foyer and put it in the basement. tools and such. i never go down basement so at least i won't see that pile of junk. he had dirty clothes in the bedroom which i will wash and fold and put in his drawers. i'm not that mean. i do have somewhat of a heart lololol as for the other things little by little they will make it down the basement. that was his mantown. my house still needs a lot of work but with the friends i have they will help me finish with what i need done. the only thing the stinks is that everywhere i look it all reminds me of him. overtime i hope that those feelings will go away. i don't want to move from this house cuz this is where the kids were born and it's only 4 more years till they get out of high school and i actually like the house. i'll keep it until i can't afford it no more. if he fights for the house then i think i'll let the house forclose and neither of get anything from it. i'm okay with that. i paid all the mortgage while he sat on his butt and drank and didn't work much. i can rent an apartment.

i'm still very emotionally exhausted. just want to take a nap but am going to wait to tonight to sleep because maybe i'll get a good nights sleep.

it's hard. i'm not lonely. just sort of numb about the whole thing. i want to call him but that would be the worst for me. i'll find something else to do when the urge comes.

thanks all for replying and talk to you soon! hugs and kisses
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