PoetryandHums

Hey all!

I'm feeling stuck right now, and having a hard time making a decision. Here's the backstory--I attend college within an hour of my extended family, though not close to my A parents, who live separately but are still "together". My AF is coming to the US to visit, which is rare. In the lead-up to this visit, my AM became very upset, calling me and accusing me of ignoring her, punishing her, destroying the family, etc (you know the routine ). I did a great job of detaching and maintaining my boundaries, from ending the conversation to deleting the "everything but the kitchen sink" emails that came shortly after. We haven't talked since, and I told AF that if he wanted to visit with me, it would have to be on his own. In that conversation, he expressed concern that "you're fighting with your mother" and that he thought it would help "if the three of us could talk this out" (like heck! The last thing I need is to be in that family dynamic again!). He was going to call me Sunday to make plans, didn't, and I left him a message Tuesday. Thursday morning I received a reply by email.

In the email, he extended a few invitations. Some are to travel to see nearby family--a cousin has a performance this weekend, it's my grandmothers' birthday, etc. One thing that I've heard again and again from my parents and some other family members is that my extended family feels confused and abandoned that I no longer go to holidays with my parents. My AF says, "I love you and want to see you and I'm worried about the state of your relationship with your Mom and your family. We all love you so much and it is difficult--and painful--to try to explain why you are not there when the family gets together." This is a particularly challenging for me. I don't have a car, which makes it difficult to visit family on my own. One of my boundaries is not to be alone with AM, so I don't travel with her to see them. I'm feeling really guilty (I know,bad time to make decisions). I know that I can't go with him--my first priority needs to be self-preservation and I can't get into a car with an alcoholic, much the less go somewhere that I won't be able to get back from except with an alcoholic. I can visit him in my hometown, and that's it. But it still feels awful--what if I really am abandoning my extended family?

bookwyrm

Good for you in maintaining your boundaries!

Is there really a need to compromise now? If your extended family are concerned, can't they get in touch themselves? Do they have your phone number/email address? Couldn't they come visit you to keep in touch - or does it all have to be up to you? Could you get alternative transport without having to go 'with' your parents? You can go on your own using public transport.

It sounds like yet another guilt trip your AF is laying on you - my STBXAH was very good at laying them on me.

Ultimately, you know the situation and your family best. Keep the focus on you and you will be fine!

Bernadette

I agree w/ Bookwyrm. Plus does your father know why you are carving out this safe space for yourself? It's all part of the classic minimizing and denial that alkies engage in - like what's the big deal - and you're being the pain in the a** because you don't want to be around the drinking and dysfunction!

And second of all "abandon" is an extreme word. There are many many ways to keep in touch and maintain contact with people who we choose to have relationships with. Who doesn't love a handwritten postcard, letter, or drawing, or a recent batch of photographs? Phone calls? Flowers? Emails? I mean-- you have the right to keep yourself safe and away from any damaging toxic behavior, and judging by your screenname I bet you have a creative streak and can find some of the altrenative ways between total engagement and abandonment in which to maintain contact w/ Grandma, etc!

Good luck - it must be hard not to feel pushed and pulled - but you sound like you have been making good progress for yourself! Keep at it.

peace-
b