IPT

Last night was a good moment. I am having a lot more of them in fact as I find my way back to being the person I once was before becoming entangled with my ex. I’d love to blame her for bring me down and twisting my life into the contorted mess it was and on some levels still is. In fact I think I can blame her for some of it, though of course the ultimate responsibility laid within me for staying and accepting that behavior and accepting less than what I needed to be happy and healthy. I allowed myself to get pulled into her world of dysfunction, Got wrapped up in the dream of what could have been (as the good we intially had faded away). I fought to make it work, make it right. That’s the thing I guess, I have always been a driven person with optimistic beliefs and tremendous drive and this was maybe the first time it did not work in my favor.

A few things happened yesterday that compelled me to post today. I had a massage during the day, my first one ever actually. It was nice to hear a compliment about my physique unsolicited and not from someone I’m in a relationship with (actually I didn’t hear it from her that would probably have been unprofessional. I heard it from a friend of mine that knows her). I think in general I am much more harsh on myself than others are. I wonder sometimes if that is a bad thing or good? It’s all about balance I suppose. However, if we accept Mediocre won’t we just be mediocre? If we are “satisfied” will we continue on working at it? If you’re not moving forward you’re moving backwards… nothing stays static. Relationships, fitness, life, it takes constant work and diligence. I know I’ll never be “perfect” but will I be all that I can be if I set low expectations of myself?

Anyway, so I was working out last night and in general just feeling good (I never stopped working out…it probably was one of the things that made me not start drinking or using drugs myself!). Then I spoke to someone this AM (an alcoholic) and he told me he just wanted to be numb. That way more bad than good had happened to him and he would give up the good feelings just to not have to deal with the bad, so he drank. It broke my heart that people feel that way. See that as the only solution. Instantly reminded me of my ex as I know she feels the same.

Anyway, I wanted to post these lyrics of an old song that used to inspire me, and still does. The last sentence for me helped me go places and take chances that usually enhanced my life in some way. Reminds me of another book called "feel the fear and do it anyway". What the heck...how did I get so far from the person I used to be?

Queensryche -

We see the light of those who find
A world has passed them by
To late to save a dream thats growing cold
We realize that fate must hide its face
From those who try
To see the distant signs of unforetold
Oh... oh, take hold

From a haze came a rage of thunder
Distant signs of darkness on the way
Fading cries scream of pain and hunger
But in the night the light will guide your way

So take hold of the flame
Dont you see lifes a game
So take hold of the flame
Youve got nothing to lose, but everything to gain

Ride, to a place beyond our time
Reach, for the edges of your mind, and you are there
See, that the light will find its way
Back to a place where it will stay, make it stay

Throw down the chains of oppression that bind you
With the air of freedom the flame grows bright
We are the strong, the youth united
We are one, we are children of the light

So take hold of the flame
Dont you see lifes a game
So take hold of the flame
Youve got nothing to lose, but everything to gain

Free108

I'm looking forward to finding the old me again, maybe even finding a better me, so thanks for the post. Sounds like you're doing well.

Puggrinz

Thanks for the good post IPT.

There have been times in my life that I have wanted to just be numb, but not enough to drink or take drugs for it. Just for a break from the pain that I didn't know what to do with. I think I was always too much of a control freak to let a substance get ahold of me that I would be a slave to.

Except!!!

As I was writing the above, it occured to me that while I do not personally take substances myself, until I sought help and recovery, the alcohol/drug use/abuse of my husband every bit controlled me as though I were personally drinking or injecting.

Thank goodness for God directing my path to Al-Anon. I truly feel it was a prayer answered for me. I think my HP looked down and saw I was at the end of my rope, because I know there is no other way that I drove myself into town that day and actually got out of the car and walked through the doors and shared my story with three strangers.

So while I hope beyond hope that my AAH finds sobriety and that some day we are reunited as a family again, I truly am happy for the crisis that brought me to Al-Anon. Because I really believe it saved my sanity and my life and it showed me that I didn't have to turn to drugs or alcohol to take away my pain.

Learn2Live

The disease of addiction took you there. This is why it is so very important to surround yourself with healthy people and do your best to refer the unhealthy people to those that are able to help them. The sickness makes you sick.

Abundance

yep... very true.

IPT - I'm so glad you are finding your way back to you again and so much more.



Thanks for the inspirational post..... it makes me want to go work out!

Freedom1990

Ahhh, IPT. Huge fan of Queensryche I am! For your viewing/listening pleasure, and yes it is an excellent song.

IPT

freedom - I remember seeing them in a small club in NYC, Lamours I believe. It was amazing, the energy that was there. Cool link, definately not the best version of it I have heard though. I think they had a video of ittaped in Japan...that one is unreal.

Thinking back I was drinking like a fish back then. Typical college stuff I guess. At least with the crowd I hung around. Hearing that music sort of almost creates an instant adrenaline rush, high, sort of like I am back there. Not sure I want to go back there, but I do like the "feel good" feelings I get listening to it. Funny I remember talking to my girlfriends (at the time years ago) mom's boyfriend who was a therapist. I was talking about how good life was. It was a crazy party. He asked me if life was so good why was I drinking so much to dull and escape it?......uhhh, it really made me think (and ulitimately I changed my life).

Too bad so much of the metal and music like that it so dark. It gets such a bad rap because of death metal and such but really there were/are a few bands out there with some very thought provoking and inspiring lyrics. Queensryche is one of them . Anyway,,,,cheers.