Explaining Alanon?
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Explaining Alanon?
I want to attend Alanon meetings. I found one that is close to my home that I can start attending next week. However, with AH in the stage where he thinks he can control his drinking, I'm sure he would be offended by the idea that I think I need to attend these meetings. It's in the evening after he's home from work, so I can't really get around him not wondering where I am. I know I need to go, he knows he has a problem but thinks he can control it. I'm supposed to just leave him alone and let him deal with it. So far he is drinking less than he had been so he thinks everything should be fine on that front. Part of me thought I should skip Alanon until he started to slip again, then I realized I need to connect with others now that have been where I am, and although I'm glad for this site, I'd like to meet others face to face. A lot of people say it's hard to go to that first meeting. I'm not having that problem yet. I want to go. I'm just afraid of the 3rd degree I'll get by him knowing that I'm going.
How did this situation play out with the rest of you?
How did this situation play out with the rest of you?
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JustGettingBy - Good for you, you should definitely go. You will really enjoy the environment and fellowship there. You are a step ahead of me-- I wanted to go but I was nervous as can be to walk in that door the first time!
My AH is where yours is -- finally admitted he had a problem but is back in denial because he 'felt fine' controlling it / cutting it way back for almost 2 weeks. If you AH is really an A then most likely he'll slip sooner or later, so it's to your benefit to take care of yourself.
As far as explaining it-- I'm looking for answers too. My AH and I were not on speaking terms (as in, he was ignoring me and refusing to acknowledge me in our own home), so when I went I simply let him know I was going out and would be home at x time. I didn't want to engage in a conversation /debate / conflict during a time when he was specifically ignoring me, but I knew he was somehow angry that I wasn't offering an explanation of where I went. He only asked me online twice and I told him he could speak to me in person. He got so angry that he demanded I answer him about where I had been and only THEN would he CONSIDER speaking to me in person, etc.. I ignored it. He left for a day or two... might not see him for a few days. So yeah, not sure!!
I think he may have found some pamphlets that were in our office I'd brought home but they weren't just out in the open, so I'm not sure if he knows.
I think he'd find it insulting that I was going to al-anon, as if I'm labeling him at a time when he wasn't ready to accept that label..
But! I think the whole point of al-anon is for you to be able to stop worrying about what he thinks of what you are doing to take care of yourself. So, the moral of the story is, don't worry if he's upset, because that's his problem, and what you do with yourself is your problem.
As far as what to say when you do talk about it, no clue.
Good luck !
My AH is where yours is -- finally admitted he had a problem but is back in denial because he 'felt fine' controlling it / cutting it way back for almost 2 weeks. If you AH is really an A then most likely he'll slip sooner or later, so it's to your benefit to take care of yourself.
As far as explaining it-- I'm looking for answers too. My AH and I were not on speaking terms (as in, he was ignoring me and refusing to acknowledge me in our own home), so when I went I simply let him know I was going out and would be home at x time. I didn't want to engage in a conversation /debate / conflict during a time when he was specifically ignoring me, but I knew he was somehow angry that I wasn't offering an explanation of where I went. He only asked me online twice and I told him he could speak to me in person. He got so angry that he demanded I answer him about where I had been and only THEN would he CONSIDER speaking to me in person, etc.. I ignored it. He left for a day or two... might not see him for a few days. So yeah, not sure!!
I think he may have found some pamphlets that were in our office I'd brought home but they weren't just out in the open, so I'm not sure if he knows.
I think he'd find it insulting that I was going to al-anon, as if I'm labeling him at a time when he wasn't ready to accept that label..
But! I think the whole point of al-anon is for you to be able to stop worrying about what he thinks of what you are doing to take care of yourself. So, the moral of the story is, don't worry if he's upset, because that's his problem, and what you do with yourself is your problem.
As far as what to say when you do talk about it, no clue.
Good luck !
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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It's not that I feel the need to tell him, it's that he needs a good reason why I'm not there. I'm a stay at home mom and we take walks every evening when he gets home from work. It's part of the "getting healthy" kick he thinks we're on. He gets home between 6 and 7 and we're usually not home from our walks until close to 8. The meeting starts at 7:30. He's going to want to know why I have to be somewhere else during that time, which interferes with our normal walking time.
It's just that it's going to be out of the ordinary for me to have to be somewhere then and I need to be able to tell him. Because he's going to ask. And I don't want to lie.
It's just that it's going to be out of the ordinary for me to have to be somewhere then and I need to be able to tell him. Because he's going to ask. And I don't want to lie.
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I think it's responsible to tell him where you're going to be, especially if it's breaking a normal habit that you guys have established. I would just be honest with him. Tell him you are going for YOU, and don't get involved if he tries to twist it and make you feel guilty. Just say it's about you, and you are going to get information and support for what you're going through, and leave it at that.
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The explanation I gave (which may or may not suit your situation) was this:
I am going to Al-Anon to learn how to step back and let you make your own choices around alcohol. I want to talk with others who have experienced the feelings I'm having, and hopefully gain a new perspective on it all.
Beyond that, I refused to engage. "I don't really want to discuss this any further" went a long way. So did "There's no need for you to feel threatened by this." And so did walking away.
I am going to Al-Anon to learn how to step back and let you make your own choices around alcohol. I want to talk with others who have experienced the feelings I'm having, and hopefully gain a new perspective on it all.
Beyond that, I refused to engage. "I don't really want to discuss this any further" went a long way. So did "There's no need for you to feel threatened by this." And so did walking away.
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Originally Posted by GiveLove 
The explanation I gave (which may or may not suit your situation) was this:
I am going to Al-Anon to learn how to step back and let you make your own choices around alcohol. I want to talk with others who have experienced the feelings I'm having, and hopefully gain a new perspective on it all.
Beyond that, I refused to engage. "I don't really want to discuss this any further" went a long way. So did "There's no need for you to feel threatened by this." And so did walking away.
I am going to Al-Anon to learn how to step back and let you make your own choices around alcohol. I want to talk with others who have experienced the feelings I'm having, and hopefully gain a new perspective on it all.
Beyond that, I refused to engage. "I don't really want to discuss this any further" went a long way. So did "There's no need for you to feel threatened by this." And so did walking away.
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For awhile it wouldn't have been safe for me to admit to my H that I was going to Al Anon. My A was so incredibly ego centric that he really believed the world revolved around him. Our world certainly did! In our home it really WAS all about him. When I decided to learn more about Al Anon and wanted to go to a meeting, I told him I was going to a counseling group to learn better communication skills and that worked, as he presumed they would counsel me on how to listen to him better. :chatter
After some time, I told him I was going to Al Anon. He immediately became enraged, since he honestly believed it was all about him and therefore we must all be talking about him, and "ohmygawd what would they think about him with all the lies I must have been telling." I've posted elsewhere that he even came to a few of the meetings .... imagine his surprise when his name didn't even come up in the sharings.
Al Anon? For the first time in a long time, it wasn't all about him. This was for me. Going to Al Anon was the first thing I did for myself in a very long time.
I had to learn to take care of myself again ~ to stand up for myself and believe in myself ~ in baby steps. One boundary at a time. One step at a time, one day at a time.
After some time, I told him I was going to Al Anon. He immediately became enraged, since he honestly believed it was all about him and therefore we must all be talking about him, and "ohmygawd what would they think about him with all the lies I must have been telling." I've posted elsewhere that he even came to a few of the meetings .... imagine his surprise when his name didn't even come up in the sharings.
Al Anon? For the first time in a long time, it wasn't all about him. This was for me. Going to Al Anon was the first thing I did for myself in a very long time.
I had to learn to take care of myself again ~ to stand up for myself and believe in myself ~ in baby steps. One boundary at a time. One step at a time, one day at a time.
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Originally Posted by CatsPajamas
When I decided to learn more about Al Anon and wanted to go to a meeting, I told him I was going to a counseling group to learn better communication skills and that worked, as he presumed they would counsel me on how to listen to him better. :chatter
This made me laugh, which may or may not be appropriate. But the more I read things like this I realize it reflects on my situation, and how ridiculous it is.... It's so true though, my AH keeps saying things like that to me when I've mentioned therapy/counseling etc., it's always "GOOD THEN YOULL SEE HOW WRONG YOU ARE AND LEARN TO STOP BEING A DEPRESSING NAG". I was always so shocked at the thought process (or lack thereof) I couldn't take the time to appreciate the humor in this. How is it that we can recognize these things in other peoples' relationships and not our own..
Time to wakeup!!
Thanks!!
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Okay, this is going a bit off topic, but I'm enjoying the sharing and I started the thread. So there. 
I told AH that at some point he may need to come to some of my therapy sessions. He basically said that he wants to show up at one more than I want him to. Like there is some major threat he can make that he's going to "spill the beans" about me. Hello! It's therapy. I have my own issues and problems and that's what the therapy is for. He's not going to tell her anything about me she won't already know. And she knows something about him he doesn't seem to know. He's an alcoholic!
I told AH that at some point he may need to come to some of my therapy sessions. He basically said that he wants to show up at one more than I want him to. Like there is some major threat he can make that he's going to "spill the beans" about me. Hello! It's therapy. I have my own issues and problems and that's what the therapy is for. He's not going to tell her anything about me she won't already know. And she knows something about him he doesn't seem to know. He's an alcoholic!
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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This thread made me smile...
I told AH after the first meeting that the meeting was about me, not him. He was shocked. Apparently, he thought it was all about how to understand him and what he is going thru.
That made me laugh out loud. Because in A's world, it is all about them!
I told AH after the first meeting that the meeting was about me, not him. He was shocked. Apparently, he thought it was all about how to understand him and what he is going thru.
That made me laugh out loud. Because in A's world, it is all about them!
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Originally Posted by honoryourself
"GOOD THEN YOULL SEE HOW WRONG YOU ARE AND LEARN TO STOP BEING A DEPRESSING NAG".
He might just get what he's wishing for, and he might not like it.
L
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So classic!
When J & I were first separating, he wanted to know EVERYONE I had talked to about our issues so he could contact them and do "damage control." It was all I could do not to laugh...these are all people who knew him pretty well for the most part, and they didn't need any help from me to see what issues there were between us. His idea of "damage control" was what, exactly? Tell them everything I'd ever done that was, in his opinion, "wrong?" And if he was so worried about what people thought of him, why not make more of an effort to control his behavior?
I know now that these were simply control mechanisms on his part to try and gain power over the facade that was crumbling around him. Even so, its hard sometimes to sit back and watch him try to figure out why people react badly to him when its so obvious (to me, anyway) that his behavior is simply NOT OK. Its why this thread grabbed me, seeing an alcoholic be concerned about what a stranger would think of them after hearing about their behavior from his wife. Its one of those ?wtf? moments that is, I suppose, really obvious when you examine it.
Part of their denial is the belief that they have the world convinced they are not an addict. That their behavior is normal. If everyone else thinks they are normal, then of course, they *are* and they don't have to stop drinking. Being seen as "not normal" terrifies them because it means they might be exposed and have to change, or feel pressure to change something they are not willing to even acknowledge as a problem right now.
Its ironic isn't it, that people who fear loss of control engage in behaviors that cause them to lose control of their lives? And I don't just mean addicts; I mean codependents too. Because that's what we've done.
I'm sorry, I'm having a philosophical kind of day. Everything means everything today, if you know what I mean?
When J & I were first separating, he wanted to know EVERYONE I had talked to about our issues so he could contact them and do "damage control." It was all I could do not to laugh...these are all people who knew him pretty well for the most part, and they didn't need any help from me to see what issues there were between us. His idea of "damage control" was what, exactly? Tell them everything I'd ever done that was, in his opinion, "wrong?" And if he was so worried about what people thought of him, why not make more of an effort to control his behavior?
I know now that these were simply control mechanisms on his part to try and gain power over the facade that was crumbling around him. Even so, its hard sometimes to sit back and watch him try to figure out why people react badly to him when its so obvious (to me, anyway) that his behavior is simply NOT OK. Its why this thread grabbed me, seeing an alcoholic be concerned about what a stranger would think of them after hearing about their behavior from his wife. Its one of those ?wtf? moments that is, I suppose, really obvious when you examine it.
Part of their denial is the belief that they have the world convinced they are not an addict. That their behavior is normal. If everyone else thinks they are normal, then of course, they *are* and they don't have to stop drinking. Being seen as "not normal" terrifies them because it means they might be exposed and have to change, or feel pressure to change something they are not willing to even acknowledge as a problem right now.
Its ironic isn't it, that people who fear loss of control engage in behaviors that cause them to lose control of their lives? And I don't just mean addicts; I mean codependents too. Because that's what we've done.
I'm sorry, I'm having a philosophical kind of day. Everything means everything today, if you know what I mean?
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CatsPajamas, I thank you for this:
"I had to learn to take care of myself again ~ to stand up for myself and believe in myself ~ in baby steps. One boundary at a time. One step at a time, one day at a time. "
*
I'm going to look up when the meetings in this area are again.
I knew back in the summer of 2008.....but didn't carry thru and start going.
"I had to learn to take care of myself again ~ to stand up for myself and believe in myself ~ in baby steps. One boundary at a time. One step at a time, one day at a time. "
*
I'm going to look up when the meetings in this area are again.
I knew back in the summer of 2008.....but didn't carry thru and start going.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
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Is there a "how to be an A" book, really? Lord I think I heard all of these!!!
I remember mine at first said nothing....but his facial expression was always different--though I couldn't tell if it was anger or confusion or what. After I started detaching, every time I mentioned going to a meeting he'd get scared (like "OMG she's going again, she's slipping further away"). Months later it was anger "what the hell do you need to go there for?" (make me feel guilty for going--I'm hurting him by going so I should stop). Then it was fear again, I'm sharing what was going on between us with total strangers and they were filling my head with crap just so I'd leave him (again, make me feel guilty so I don't go anymore). Then it was maybe fear and anger (wow, she's really changing and maybe she IS going to leave me???)
I could go on and on.
I wondered at first what to say to him about why I'm going. So I hid it from him the best I could. But after while I flat out told him that I was going. WHY I was going didn't matter because, frankly, it's none of his business! He'd ask where I'm going. I'd say to a meeting. He'd ask why. I'd say "BECAUSE I CAN!!!"
I remember mine at first said nothing....but his facial expression was always different--though I couldn't tell if it was anger or confusion or what. After I started detaching, every time I mentioned going to a meeting he'd get scared (like "OMG she's going again, she's slipping further away"). Months later it was anger "what the hell do you need to go there for?" (make me feel guilty for going--I'm hurting him by going so I should stop). Then it was fear again, I'm sharing what was going on between us with total strangers and they were filling my head with crap just so I'd leave him (again, make me feel guilty so I don't go anymore). Then it was maybe fear and anger (wow, she's really changing and maybe she IS going to leave me???)
I could go on and on.
I wondered at first what to say to him about why I'm going. So I hid it from him the best I could. But after while I flat out told him that I was going. WHY I was going didn't matter because, frankly, it's none of his business! He'd ask where I'm going. I'd say to a meeting. He'd ask why. I'd say "BECAUSE I CAN!!!"
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Join Date: Mar 2008
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It's part of the "getting healthy" kick he thinks we're on.
Well there's your explanation right there! "It's just part of this Getting Healthy kick we're on, hon! I need to take care of my mental health too!"
I hope you can get to your meeting without too much hassle. In fact I hope you can get to many meetings!!!!
peace-
b
Well there's your explanation right there! "It's just part of this Getting Healthy kick we're on, hon! I need to take care of my mental health too!"
I hope you can get to your meeting without too much hassle. In fact I hope you can get to many meetings!!!!
peace-
b
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When I began going to AlAnon I hid it. ABF found out and asked what was I going there for?
I explained it was for me to learn some skills, and for my sanity.
He was furious because, as he said "You are showing me up in public as an alco. I know I am one, but you have no right to advertise it. You don't know these people, and I don't want my business being spread all over town, making a fool of me in front of everyone I know. How do you figure that makes me feel?"
I told him that brawls, flirting with hookers and bar tarts, falling off his bar stool, being sick over pub floors and in the main street, sleeping on benches and gutters, and staggering around town with ugliest tart ever, wasn't exactly flying under the radar.
Told him the one pub owner suggested to me that ABF needed help as he was getting close to brainfried, but I had said "better tell you that, it's not my problem".
ABF didn't say another word about me going after that. I went for a couple of years, then he made it impossible for me to go as he turned up and disrupted meetings.
I do wish you all the best at getting to every meeting you need.
God bless
I explained it was for me to learn some skills, and for my sanity.
He was furious because, as he said "You are showing me up in public as an alco. I know I am one, but you have no right to advertise it. You don't know these people, and I don't want my business being spread all over town, making a fool of me in front of everyone I know. How do you figure that makes me feel?"
I told him that brawls, flirting with hookers and bar tarts, falling off his bar stool, being sick over pub floors and in the main street, sleeping on benches and gutters, and staggering around town with ugliest tart ever, wasn't exactly flying under the radar.
Told him the one pub owner suggested to me that ABF needed help as he was getting close to brainfried, but I had said "better tell you that, it's not my problem".
ABF didn't say another word about me going after that. I went for a couple of years, then he made it impossible for me to go as he turned up and disrupted meetings.
I do wish you all the best at getting to every meeting you need.
God bless
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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I'm with all of you. I'm afraid to tell my AH about the counselor I made a first appt with for Monday. Afraid to go to an AlAnon meeting. Afraid he'll go through is usual angry, sometimes silent, sometimes being drunk and telling me how wrong I am about everything. The "don't tell anyone my secrets" thing I'm not afraid of, it's a big town, and chances are he won't know anybody, so they won't care. But since I made the appoinment with the counselor, and I don't like to break appts, I'll be telling him, and going. Holding my breath. I wish you all the best, Justgettingby. Strength, courage, safety to you and hoping we BOTH start a long relationship with AlAnon FOR US. Because we need it. Hugs!:ghug3
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