honoryourself

I know I need to detatch.. and I'm TRYING, but .. I am also realizing this is a lot of new information and I can't learn new behaviors in one day. In the mean time I am trying to practice the principles.. say the slogans, take deep breaths, and take care of myself.

My AH and I Haven't spoken in person all week since Sunday evening. I went to 3 meetings sunday-tues, and last night he told me in an email that since I wouldn't engage in a discussion about where I'd been in a chat online with him (I told him to speak to me in person) that he felt he needed to stay away fro a few days. He did go out last night, and I'm sure he got drunk, I know he was down town at bars with someone (no clue who..) and stayed the night at a friend's house.

I tried not to let it get to me but it was hard, as I had no distractions last night! I didn't call, text, or react outwardly to it, but inside I am still hurt, because I have a long way to go.. I am still holding on to hope somewhere I guess.


Anyway, this weekend we were supposed to drive 12 hrs round trip out of state for our mutual friends' engagement party.. At the moment since he hadn't spoken to me I'm guessing and it's probably best as of now that he doesn't come with me (closer friend of mine than his I guess). Under normal circumstances if we were arguing before a weekend away, I'd probably go crying to him, apologize for arguing and make everything better just so that we could enjoy the weekend without the turmoil. But I'm going to stand strong and not do that this time. I'm still new to this...

If he's not coming with me, I probably need to find another ride, because I have a lot of trouble driving in the rain, and I'd be driving by myself the whole way and I am not really comfortable with that. I sent AH an email that simply stated:
"Are you coming to <state name> this weekend?"

He wrote:
"Dunno why? You will probably have a better time without me. "

I wrote:
"Since you're not sure, I'm going to try to find someone to ride with.
If you decide to come then you can find a ride as well. "

He wrote:
"Whatever <my name> do what you want."

I wrote:
"Ok."

He wrote:
"Who are you?"


end...
Is this the right way to go about things? I can't 100% ignore the influence he has on my life, and need to shape my life around his choices as well. Part of me thought I would just make plans without asking him, counting on him not being there, but would that have been immature of me? Feedback is appreciated. This is hard.. but I am trying to grow and accept.. live and let God.

Cowgirl1265

Detaching is hard, really hard to learn when you haven't had the skills. Therefore, I think how you handled this instance was wonderfully done. Great job!

The key is to be concerned with doing what is right and helpful for YOU, not making sure HE is being taken care of. Yes, you want to have respect for him as a person, but your primary goal is to nurture yourself and your needs. Let him take care of himself, don't second guess yourself about what he is thinking/doing/wanting/needing.

hello-kitty

I think you are doing great. He doesn't recognize you because you are not letting him walk all over you.

Who are you?! You are an amazing woman and getting stronger everyday.

Who are you not? His doormat.

Have great time this weekend. He is right. You will have more fun without him.

Freedom1990

He's sulking because you are changing your reactions to him and learning to detach.

I think you're making great progress! :ghug2

honoryourself

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I feel like I'm still all up in my head, but I think I need that right now, to stop myself before reacting like I normally would. I'm trying to stop and think if what I'm saying is in order to make him feel a certain way, if it's necessary, and if it's healthy for me. It's a lot to learn, I picked up a lot of his bad habits throughout these years.. not that I probably didn't already have my codie share as I'm learning.

Cheers. Now I just have to find a ride..

5Fingaz

I commend you for not giving in... I know exactly where your coming from when you say you just want to be nice and apologize so you can enjoy the weekend together. I make that same mistake with my agf all the time... But in the end does he ever apologize? Does it seem like your always in the wrong?? I know exactly how you feel and in the end your not wrong. ITS HOW YOU FEEL. Its amazing how alcoholics can hold grudges and always make you feel like your in the wrong.