How DO you express loving detachment?
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How DO you express loving detachment?
I'm quite confused about what "loving detachment" actually IS. I think I'm practicing it--telling AS that while I do love her and always will, I cannot be a part of her life while she is actively drinking. She got so angry at me when I stepped out of her life--threw tantrums, blamed me, etc. etc.
But now she's now in recovery--a 30 day in patient program. I would like to let her know that I care about her and love her. But I don't want to be sucked in to her problems anymore. I don't know how to "support her recovery" because a lot of the times in the past, "supporting Jane's recovery" has meant listening to her talk about how bad her life is, how she doesn't know how she got to this point in her life, etc. etc. (very self-deprecating, "poor me" kind of talk). So I guess I don't know if THIS time is different, or if she is really serious about recovery.
I'm struggling with this. I don't know what kind of support I should offer. How do I say what I want to say?
But now she's now in recovery--a 30 day in patient program. I would like to let her know that I care about her and love her. But I don't want to be sucked in to her problems anymore. I don't know how to "support her recovery" because a lot of the times in the past, "supporting Jane's recovery" has meant listening to her talk about how bad her life is, how she doesn't know how she got to this point in her life, etc. etc. (very self-deprecating, "poor me" kind of talk). So I guess I don't know if THIS time is different, or if she is really serious about recovery.
I'm struggling with this. I don't know what kind of support I should offer. How do I say what I want to say?
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I say this:
That's the loving part. That is loving and honest and says everything.
The detachment part was within me - not fixating on what the reaction was, not obsessing on all of the things I had the right to say, and instead focusing on my own life and dreams and future. Only.
And admitting to myself that even sober, my sister was an angry, disgruntled individual that I didn't really feel like spending much time around. That was fine too.
Detachment was practicing letting go of my need to control what our relationship looked like, and following my own true feelings instead.
Originally Posted by Trying2Fly 
that while I do love her and always will, I cannot be a part of her life while she is actively drinking.
The detachment part was within me - not fixating on what the reaction was, not obsessing on all of the things I had the right to say, and instead focusing on my own life and dreams and future. Only.
And admitting to myself that even sober, my sister was an angry, disgruntled individual that I didn't really feel like spending much time around. That was fine too.
Detachment was practicing letting go of my need to control what our relationship looked like, and following my own true feelings instead.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
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Originally Posted by Still Waters
I have no idea trying2. In the end, when I left my AH, all I said (via text) was, "I'm sorry it has to be this way. I love you."
And that was the end of it.
And that was the end of it.
Sorry, too.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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trying2fly - my ABF is in recovery as well. We are still living together (have a baby together) and I struggle with this too. FWIW, these are some of the things I have been doing:
-telling him i love and care about him but this is his problem/recovery and i will not be worried by it any longer, that my focus is on myself
-telling him i cannot give answers about the future and us as a couple because i dont have any
-when he says getting me back is the motivation behind his recovery I say that is nice but that is not appropriate and he must do this for himself and so he can be a good father to our baby for life
It is very difficult. I am 100% in support of his recovery but at the same time I am unwilling to be the reason for his recovery - I try to keep my distance, it upsets him and he says he gets very frustrated by the wall I am putting up. However, now is getting used to it....so baby steps. Loving detachment is a tricky one.
-telling him i love and care about him but this is his problem/recovery and i will not be worried by it any longer, that my focus is on myself
-telling him i cannot give answers about the future and us as a couple because i dont have any
-when he says getting me back is the motivation behind his recovery I say that is nice but that is not appropriate and he must do this for himself and so he can be a good father to our baby for life
It is very difficult. I am 100% in support of his recovery but at the same time I am unwilling to be the reason for his recovery - I try to keep my distance, it upsets him and he says he gets very frustrated by the wall I am putting up. However, now is getting used to it....so baby steps. Loving detachment is a tricky one.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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The detachment part was within me - not fixating on what the reaction was, not obsessing on all of the things I had the right to say, and instead focusing on my own life and dreams and future. Only.
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