ellima01

Ah hasbeen home now 4 monthes- still drinking heavily. I am ashamed to admit it- but I no longer care- well thats not true, I no longer try to "help", or for that matter, "do the right thing". Nothing has worked, you all know what I mean- the bi*ching, arguing,begging,ect- all pointless. I have even went and bought his liquor these days- he has no license- figure its better than hearing the crap, or him driving and killing himself/ someone else. I am ashamed of it- but its the truth. I know I am not doing him any favors- but I am just -- done.I toldhim I would no longer try to "help him get clean" I have been thru so much- I am sicker than him- I know.I love him-- so much.
I was recently told by a friend who's been sober 10 years that I should throw him out and tell him if he can stay sober a year- I would take hime back- I told him that would be the end of my marriage, it'll never happen. Obviously I dont want to end it, Im so tired- feel like such a bad person.

Still Waters

ellima, you really do deserve better. You do.

LaTeeDa

Just as it's his choice to drink himself to death, it's your choice to go down with him. I'm sorry that's what you're choosing. But remember that you can always change your mind whenever you are ready.

L

MissFixit

Had L not cheated and left me, I would have likely made excuses for him for years to come.

However, in hindsight after this very tough year, knowing what I know now...I would leave him given the same situation. You are not me, but I swear that after the pain starts to dissapate (and it will) and you begin to have your own life again without and active A as the focus, your perspective changes.

Freedom1990

It is really sad to see someone give up, but I know not everyone can embrace recovery for themselves.

This much I will tell you, what you are living right now is not love, not from either one of you.

ElegantlyWasted

There is nothing wrong with a little healthy detachment. It can give you strength and perspective....

justjo

Hi Ellima
Sounds familiar, I did the same thing with my sister. I guess, you could consider - what has to happen for you to start living your life? What are you waiting for? You know you cant change your hubby, but you can start changing your own life, step by step.
I was waiting for my sister to stop drinking years ago, she is still doing it today. I was sick of all the drama too and I just wanted to know that she was OK, (alive) but you know what, she will still manage to live this way without me or anyone else.
I had to ask myself 'what am I getting from all of this'? Yeah, it taught me alot, but it made me sick aswell. How long do you want to be sick?

savingmaggie

I know that despair....I know it well....I would get in my bed and cry my fool head off for hours....totally brought to my knees with the disease of alcoholism that I found myself enmeshed in....but in those moments I believe came strength and a realization that I could not do this alone....that I needed to reach out for help..
Please be kind to yourself....you can get better and so can your life....one step at a time....one day at a time...
I wish I could give you a hug right now....but just so you know they give great hugs at Al-anon....
Hoping you find your way through this....you are in my prayers..

Take care

Maggie

Dawnmha

Ellima,

I too lived with a major alcoholic for many years. He did get sober, the sad part is that later on I became what he was. I don't know your situation, but I do know this, you are worth much more than what you are calling yourself. Please get help for yourself, if he doesn't for himself. And please, if you are in any type of abusive relationship, (I am not saying you are, but just in case) always consider your own safety. It is hard to watch a person you love continuously hurt themselves, but hurting yourself isnt' helping him. Be safe. Somtimes distance can give us some perspective about who we love and who we are as well.

Dawnmha

Ellina,

I need to clarify what I said. If you live with a person that you love and they have severe alcohol issues or drug or whatever it is that affects you and them, it will affect you in every aspect of your life. In my case it beat me down and it was so unstable that I did not know how to function, but what I ended up doing was worrying about him, fitting my life around him and then threatening him that I would leave. What really did surprise me was that he sobered up and the man I was with was no better than the drunk at that time. He was like living with a person that was pissed off that he was sober, so what was the point. To make a long story short I ended up drinking like a fish because codependency works in mysterious ways. I feel so for you and it is such despair that I felt, I so much hope you can break away from him to gain some sort of abililty to make a good decision about your relationship and for your own wellness.

cassandra2

Normally I post in the F&F forum for substance abuse but every now and again I post here also. I come from a long line of alcoholics.

When I started Ala-non I met a woman there that religiously attended meetings, lived her own life, had serenity but also lived with an active addict. So I guess if you really believe that staying with your husband is your only option maybe you could reach out for help with these meetings.

MeHandle

ellima01,

okay I am looking at the bright side of this.

That was quite courageous to share with us.

Honesty with others and yourself is a great place to enter into the first step.

Could his be your bottom, realizing you don't 'care' or acting out actions that don't 'care?'

What does a person in a situation like yours, who wants to be a caring person look like to you?
What does a person in a situation like yours, who wants to be caring do?

Is there a bottom you want to see that is beyond not caring, caring for yourself? What does that look like to you?..... Now, when you picture this do you really not care?

CatsPajamas

I too have known people at my meetings who choose to remain in their marriage to an active A. They set boundaries, they have their own activities etc and those who succeed at that are fiercely dedicated to and work a program of recovery themselves.

As they say in our meetings, it's possible to find contentment and even happiness whether the alcoholic continues to drink or not.

trapeze

Ellima, I'm not in a position to tell you what to do or not do about your AH. There are people who stay in that situation and there are people who leave. My mother in law stayed with my alcoholic father in law, buying his liquor until he went into the nursing home where they had to medicate him until his death because he was so wet-brained and hostile. It was her choice. I get that.

However, I do hope that you will take care of yourself and get some help so that you can find some peace. I'm a convert to Al Anon.

Jadmack25

For your own sake, please get help. Your GP, a counsellor, psychologist because you are making yourself ill, and taking on your shoulders, things that do not belong there.
Feeling done, tired, to blame, guilty.....these are not healthy for anyone.

You have gone thru everything to get him sober, and none of it worked, it has just left him still drinking and you an emotional wreck.

Now try to LET HIM GO, and go put a little of the energy you've spent on him, where it belongs, ON CARING FOR YOURSELF.

God bless

Bernadette

Im so tired- feel like such a bad person.

Hmmmmm...where have I heard this kind of stinkin' thinkin' before???!!!

Ellima-- where does judging yourself as a person play any role in this except to:
a. keep you in a state of paralysis and misery
b. maintain an illusion of helplessness

You are not a "bad" person because you are in this situation. Your AH isn't a "bad" person because he drinks. Nor will you become a "good" person if you recover from this debilitating situation, nor your AH a "good" person if he sobers up and finds recovery. These are just choices you both make every day. Now choices can be good or bad, effective or ineffective. And they can be judged as such and then accepted as such.

All the time I spent in misery and wallowing in the horror of my family's alcoholic misery did nothing but bring me to my knees. Through AlAnon and therapy I learned that the only thing I can really control are MY thoughts and My reactions. And when I took responsibility for that and practiced thinking and doing things differently my world began to change.

Let go or be dragged.

I hope you find the strength to help yourself today, even just by following directions if you feel completely lost. That's what I did when I was finally in enough pain - I got my a** to AlAnon meetings and I followed directions. Saved my life.

Good luck ellima - the hour is darkest before the dawn.
peace-
b