whereisthisgoin

Okay - so yesterday my dh was sober and we had a great evening together. Today he calls from work and says, "I was thinking about us all going away (flying someplace) for Thanksgiving - what are your thoughts?"

I said, "Are you going to drink beer until they run out of that and then switch to wine DURING THE AM FLIGHT?"

pissed him right off.

Which is funny to me, because if you posed the same question to me I would have said - don't be silly, I don't drink in the am!!

We quibble and quabble back and forth throughout the day.

At night he says: This is all I'm going to say about this:
1. Yes, I'm going to have a couple of drinks on the plane because flying scares me (******** - he's been flying forever and never had an issue with it)

2. I've talked to a family at work that wants to join us and we're been invited to their house for thanksgiving - So, I'm buying 3 plane tix tonight (for me, him and our son) and you can decide what you want to do with yours.


I'm guessing I'll go because I want our son to have the experience and it's better for me to be there in chaperone mode but I won't be happy with the drinking. Ugh.

MissFixit

Can you and your son go elsewhere? Some place more peaceful?

whereisthisgoin

Interesting question. I hate to make our son a pawn in all of this.

MissFixit

Sounds like that is what your AH is doing by dictating to you. You have an equal say in what your child does, right? I am not a parent, so my knowledge is limited in this area. I might be way off base.

ItsmeAlice

I understand where you are at this point. You are fed up with the drinking and the idea of the master plan to cut back drinking is really just a stall tactic to postpone the inevitable i.e. recovery or eventual death from the effects of alcohol.

This was a big hurdle for me to cross in my recovery. The desire to make those comments about alcohol and question just how intoxicated he intended to be this night or the next when we made plans. I had to stop myself over and over and it wasn't becuase it cheesed him to hear the truth or because I was somehow becoming used to his binges, it was because it was unhealthy for me to live that way being so focused on him and not on me.

There's a saying 'round here..."Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean." I've tried to take that into account in a lot of ways.

Try some detachment from his drinking. Let his problem be his problem. When it affects decisions that you need to make as in the case of going away with him and your son, tell him in a nonaccusatory way using "I, me, and my" statements. "I wouldn't be comfortable." "I would prefer to do this or that." "I don't want to go away with you if you will be drinking or in withdrawals." There's no ultimatum. There's no debating the issue.

And again, saying it with care takes practice. You are not trying to coddle him, only trying not to let that addiction of his drive your attitude.

Keep working through these things. Write down these conversations and interactions with him and see where you can make changes to your behavior to make coping easier for you and your son. These changes will be felt by him profoundly, believe me. Will it change his addiction? not likely, but it will change how his addiction affects you.

Hang in there!

Alice

Daisy30

I agree with Alice and Missfixit

You have a choice in this. You can go with him or not. Not a huge deal. If you know where else you would like to go then simply tell him. "I would feel more comfortable going XYZ".

That way you and your son can have a peaceful Holiday together.

I too was guilty of the "little jabs" I would give my AH. Alice has great advice. I had to learn to seperate the person from the disease. It took a while but I got there.

TakingCharge999

Its sad to hear you are afraid of your son spending time with his father alone. Of all people shouldn't he be the one he is safest with???

I agree you can choose anywhere you want to be then. That includes staying home watching cartoons eating haagen dazs. If the kid is old enough could he be the one who chooses? I know some ppl here give their kids a mobile phone so they can call whenever they need something....

I dont have kids either so just take this from a passerby ! and I know its easy to say stuff from the outside... HUGS

naive

oh, mine tried that too. the "let's get away from it all together". as if that would fix our problems.

well, at that stage, i had no desire to go anywhere with him. that would put me in a position of being somewhat dependent on a drunk in a strange place. not my idea of a holiday.

at home, at least i had my own room to escape to or i could always walk out the door. i really can't imagine being stuck in a hotel room with a drunk and watching them drink and then watching them get all puffed up on themselves when the alcohol started working or dealing with the depression low the next morning.

not my idea of a holiday at all.

whereisthisgoin

Thanks for writing. It's so what I'm going through.

So today we agreed to talk about it again after I drove our son to the bus stop (it's more than 1 mile away!!) .. he said that he only meant to do something fun for the family and if it was causing us this much grief we really didn't have to go. Phew.

I said - if we go, we need to talk to our son about your drinking - ESPECIALLY if you are going to be drinking on the morning flight, which you have said you are going to.

He said, "We can work on what to say, I'm thinking something like - drinking in the morning is wrong but Dad will be having a drink or two on the flight".

We are just at the start of our son's teen years - what kind of crazy "do as I say not as I do" message.

Ugh. Whatever.

We ended the conversation with him trying to initiate sex.



How can he be that clueless (a rhetorical question).

MissFixit

What an unfortunate and confusing situation for your son. Is there another way to handle things without sending him mixed messages?

whereisthisgoin

We're still working on the message - and really still working on the trip. We haven't discussed Dad's drinking to our son but I know that our son is aware of his Dad's excessive drinking.

Normally we'd just get on the flight, I'd sit with my son while my husband would drink himself silly, often in full view of both of us. Our son is old enough now to notice and it needs to be addressed..or maybe the travel has to stop...these are thoughts rolling around in my head this am.

I so appreciate the replies. My husband is a handsome, fun, intelligent man - who, aside from his drinking, I love very much. This board has been so helpful to me to understand that I can't control his drinking and will do my best to stop badgering. Now I am working on how my son and I live/detach from it.

I hate that I am losing him...and it really blows my mind that we are in this situation. It blows my mind even further that he could end today's discussion asking for sex. I mean, really.

nodaybut2day

Ugh, my STBX did this so. many. times. It's what prompted our move to Montreal (aside from my father nearly dying that is). He was constantly going on about how moving would be a great way to "start over", "build a new life", and to "get away from all the negative influences that *force* me to drink/smoke/do drugs". Funny how he continued to drink, smoke and pop pills when we got here...

We also took a bunch of short trips to "get away from it all", and I always ended up so stressed out because I had to scramble around making sure STBX had his supply of booze and cigarettes, all the while making sure that I hid the drinking from my family and pretended with all my might to be happy, all the while making sure that STBX wasn't unhappy because people weren't talking to him enough or speaking in French, or *something*. These holidays were invariably exhausting for me, and we invariably returned home fighting on the way back.

whereisthisgoin

Yep - when I roll the idea of the trip through from start to finish this is what I come up with. He's already said, "If it's not going to be fun, let's not go!"

So it's on me to be the meanie cancelling the trip OR the meanie who couldn't go and have a fun time.

I am also the meanie who wouldn't have sex this am.


I have such a headache.

nodaybut2day

Turn the whole "meanie" thing into "Someone who is setting and respecting her own boundaries". This is what you're trying to do. You won't go on a trip because you don't want to turn into his drinking chaperone, picking up after his mistakes and covering up for him. You don't want to have sex because you feel it would compromise you.

You're not a meanie! You're fighting to get back to yourself!

Perhaps, as an alternative, you could plan something super fun with your son, so that he still feels that there was a special event for Thanksgiving, and so you can have a calm, respectful holiday on YOUR TERMS.

I *know* how hard this is and I can definitely feel your pain. Give yourself a break and remember who you're fight for: you and your son.

whereisthisgoin

The funny thing is, he says I'm the one who is always bringing up his drinking. He says I can't seem to think of anything else.

Meanwhile, I am truly reading and re-reading your post and the others here. It helps very much. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

MissFixit

He is going to deflect blame to you. Active alcoholics live in denial.

whereisthisgoin

Agreed. Today is the day I'm starting to detach. It's very hard because I liked our old life together. I jumped in a pool at the Y for symbolism - it felt great.

Thanks so much..I appreciate your posts.

islandstyme

The best thing I ever did was tell my XABF that unless he could commit to at least trying to be totally sober, I would not go away with him. He went, I stayed home and moved out. He's been "sorry" ever since, admits he has a problem, but still hasn't gone for help.

Starting out a vacation with the knowledge that he will be drinking on the plane in the AM sucks. There is no acceptable explanation for that behavior for your son. Plenty of people have a fear of flying, and don't drink to get over it.

Your almost teenage son needs to know that his father is an alcoholic.

I know, this is all very easy for me to say, and not so easy to do. Be strong, and accept nothing less than the best for your son!