Financial trouble due to AH
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Financial trouble due to AH
Ok, I just finished posting a long thread and somehow I lost it.
Here's the gist of it though:
For the past 5 years, I've let my finances slip, all for STBX. I supported him for 3 years by dancing at night, and even by making over 50K cash, under the table, I managed to rack up nearly 30K of debt. I had to declare personal bankruptcy. No one forced me to do it. I did it to myself. All FOR HIM. Because there was always something that he wanted, needed or deserved. Booze. Cocaine. Videogames. Camera equipment. Clothing. Even now, he spends every last dime we have on what he thinks he deserves.
So here I am, 5 years later, trying to separate from him, and just now starting to fix my very dire financial situation. I think my credit rating is "R9: Bad Credit" (i.e. the worse credit there is). I hope to someday fix my credit so that I can buy myself a house (like someday when I'm 50!).
Looking back, I feel like such a moron for letting this happen to me. I let myself be convinced that I didn't have to pay bills, that I could ignore letters and calls from collections agents, etc.
Am I the only tool to have done this sort of stupid stuff?
Here's the gist of it though:
For the past 5 years, I've let my finances slip, all for STBX. I supported him for 3 years by dancing at night, and even by making over 50K cash, under the table, I managed to rack up nearly 30K of debt. I had to declare personal bankruptcy. No one forced me to do it. I did it to myself. All FOR HIM. Because there was always something that he wanted, needed or deserved. Booze. Cocaine. Videogames. Camera equipment. Clothing. Even now, he spends every last dime we have on what he thinks he deserves.
So here I am, 5 years later, trying to separate from him, and just now starting to fix my very dire financial situation. I think my credit rating is "R9: Bad Credit" (i.e. the worse credit there is). I hope to someday fix my credit so that I can buy myself a house (like someday when I'm 50!).
Looking back, I feel like such a moron for letting this happen to me. I let myself be convinced that I didn't have to pay bills, that I could ignore letters and calls from collections agents, etc.
Am I the only tool to have done this sort of stupid stuff?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Nope. You're not the only one.
Good news tho:
I wiped "stupid" off my forehead a long time ago!
Be gentle with yourself. You did not arrive in this situation overnight and you won't get out of it overnight. Your eyes are open now and you see the financial mess. That is the first step. Awareness.
Next step is Acceptance. Accept your part of the mess. Accept that it will take time to get out of the mess. Accept that a lawyer might help with his part of the mess!
Action. Make a plan to recover financially as well as spiritually.
You can do it!
Good news tho:
I wiped "stupid" off my forehead a long time ago!
Be gentle with yourself. You did not arrive in this situation overnight and you won't get out of it overnight. Your eyes are open now and you see the financial mess. That is the first step. Awareness.
Next step is Acceptance. Accept your part of the mess. Accept that it will take time to get out of the mess. Accept that a lawyer might help with his part of the mess!
Action. Make a plan to recover financially as well as spiritually.
You can do it!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: east siiiide
Posts: 254
I feel for you!! I was such a financially responsible person all my life.. I saved saved saved, never had debt, never carried a balance.. but since being with my AH I have slipped further and further into financial despair.. I didn't understand that people could be so WRONG and so CONVINCING at the same time. I went against my gut instincts over and over again and bought things that I should not have-- car payments, a house that would have been affordable had we BOTH continued working (!!), financing AH trying to start a business because he was 100% SURE it would work and make us all the money we needed to pay off other debts, Gambling, Cigarettes, as much alcohol as he could ever want whenever he wanted, etc. There was always a reason to "treat OURSELVES" (when really it was mostly a treat to him), and it was all MY choice to let that happen. I chose these things and I am finally seeing that I needed to be stronger and trust myself.
I put trust in someone who is not worth my trust. I don't know quite how to get out of it.. but I wish you luck!
I put trust in someone who is not worth my trust. I don't know quite how to get out of it.. but I wish you luck!
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
When I married my AH, I had a paid off vehicle and exactly one debt (that I had planned on, hence the paid of vehicle). Now? Well, we don't even want to go there, now I'm going to get stuck with 1/2 of his debts.
Fun stuff. Especially since according to my AH, it's all my fault.
Fun stuff. Especially since according to my AH, it's all my fault.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Illinois
Posts: 147
Let him now what he offers the relationship is not worth what you are putting into it. You work to make your life better, not his. If he wants those things, get out and make his own money or get out. You have better things to do with your life than support him.
As to him "spending every dime we have"
Where is the we in this? Is he bringing money in? Do you pay all the bills with your money? tell him to put up or get out.
As to him "spending every dime we have"
Where is the we in this? Is he bringing money in? Do you pay all the bills with your money? tell him to put up or get out.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
No way are you the only one. I have a bankruptcy myself three years ago to prove it.
I got all wrapped up in his dreams and what he wanted and just didn't think what I would do if he didn't hold up his end of things. I worked multiple jobs and he barely worked one and spent what money he did make on himself. I supported us both with him sucking the account dry buying booze. I eventually couldn't do it alone and lost it all. I was so far in debt I had no choice but to file for bankruptcy.
It was actually quite freeing for me in a way. Coming back from a financial fall isn't so hard if you seek guidance and keep addiction out of your piggy bank.
I, too, want to one day own my own place. This time I won't have someone to wreck the joy of it!
Alice
I got all wrapped up in his dreams and what he wanted and just didn't think what I would do if he didn't hold up his end of things. I worked multiple jobs and he barely worked one and spent what money he did make on himself. I supported us both with him sucking the account dry buying booze. I eventually couldn't do it alone and lost it all. I was so far in debt I had no choice but to file for bankruptcy.
It was actually quite freeing for me in a way. Coming back from a financial fall isn't so hard if you seek guidance and keep addiction out of your piggy bank.
I, too, want to one day own my own place. This time I won't have someone to wreck the joy of it!
Alice
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Oh thank You, God. I "loaned" ABF money, for everything from rent, power, medical, beer, bets, tobacco, even paid airfares for him and once, for his son to come over. At one time he owed me $12,000 and I gave up seeing it again.
He paid every cent back, after I moved from living with him some years ago. It took ages, because he gave it in instalments, every pension day, but he gave it.
That at least is not something I have had to deal with, as there were enough already.
God bless
He paid every cent back, after I moved from living with him some years ago. It took ages, because he gave it in instalments, every pension day, but he gave it.
That at least is not something I have had to deal with, as there were enough already.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 161
This thread reminds me how lucky I am that I didn't end up living with my exABF. We had been talking about me moving in with him and we also started briefly talking about buying something together. I remember we stopped to take a look at a house that was 4 sale down the street from him. It was a 4 bedroom and needed alot of work, and I thought not worth what they were asking. He was all gun ho about buying it and he could do all the work and we could rent it out to some of his friends. And I kept saying to him "I don't want to have to put tons of money into a first house. I want something I can move into and afford". I think I knew in the back of my head that I couldn't rely on him. If I bought anything, I wanted it something that I could afford myself. And I don't even know how he would be able to afford it. Now that I have bought my own house, I don't even know how he would qualify with all his debt and meger income. We looked at a few houses but I ultimately stood my ground and said I would never buy a house that needed tons of work or that I couldn't of afforded myself. If we had bought together he would of had me bankrupt in no time. If we had moved in together, I would of been paying him mortgage by now (and any other bills. I had already been thinking how I could fix his debt when I moved in/what I could pay off). He's been unemployed most of the summer, but having a hell of a time playing around! Jobs not important. I would of had no equity of my own. I'm proud that I was able to buy a house on my own and now have some type of investment going for me.
I always worried about his finances, and I would end up paying for a lot of what we did (which he never ever offered to pay me back for). I would of kept paying until I was in the poor house. I'm in the poor house a bit now, but it's temporary! I just bought a house and have to start saving again. I can do this, because I have done it.
Ya, I'm grateful today to be without his burden of debt. Just being poor now after buying a house, I really don't know how he can live like this without any work to make it better.....
I always worried about his finances, and I would end up paying for a lot of what we did (which he never ever offered to pay me back for). I would of kept paying until I was in the poor house. I'm in the poor house a bit now, but it's temporary! I just bought a house and have to start saving again. I can do this, because I have done it.
Ya, I'm grateful today to be without his burden of debt. Just being poor now after buying a house, I really don't know how he can live like this without any work to make it better.....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 245
No, you're not the only one. In Feb we refinanced the house and all bills were to be paid and we would have had some money in savings. Instead, I was an idiot and believed my AH when he said he needed to go to rehab to the tune of $8,500 (just to drink a week after getting out). I was an idiot to agree to hiring an atty for his 2 DUIs.
I don't make financial mistakes like that. I don't and I still beat myself up about it. But you know what? I won't make that mistake again. NEVER!!!
I don't make financial mistakes like that. I don't and I still beat myself up about it. But you know what? I won't make that mistake again. NEVER!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Ok, awareness...well, I'm definitely aware that I messed up my own finances for someone who turned out NOT to be worth it. Now that I see how much he leaches money from me for the sake of his "comforts" (beer, junk food, ciggies, video game and DVD rentals, clothing), I have begun hiding money from him, or telling him that I'm broke.
I'm going to (oh GOD!) get a free credit report from Equifax and see the extent of the damage. I'm nauseous just thinking about it, because I know there are probably 3 or 4 collection agencies gunning for me, for hundreds or thousands of dollars each.
Acceptance: I know full well that I did this TO MYSELF. I'm a smart person, I have a university degree, and yet *I* did this. I willingly silenced the little voice inside my head that sometimes grew to a SCREAM telling me "no more spending!" just to make my STBX happy. When he was happy, I was happy...Codependence anyone?
Action:
1) I've called Revenue Canada and have finally managed to solidify a reasonable payment plan of 250$ a month to pay off my tax arrears (which I didn't pay because I listened to STBX!!).
2) I called the Ministry of Education and offered to pay them 150$ a month on my 20K student loans. I'm waiting to hear from them to see if they accept my proposal (the collections agent I'm dealing with is a liar but I'm stuck with him so cross your fingers and toes for me!!).
3) I'm working very hard to have our lease re-assigned to STBX as of January 1st 2010. If the landlord accepts, I'll move out and can finally begin to live within my means and know where the heck my money is going!!
Someone pat me on the back. I'm exhausted!
I'm going to (oh GOD!) get a free credit report from Equifax and see the extent of the damage. I'm nauseous just thinking about it, because I know there are probably 3 or 4 collection agencies gunning for me, for hundreds or thousands of dollars each.
Acceptance: I know full well that I did this TO MYSELF. I'm a smart person, I have a university degree, and yet *I* did this. I willingly silenced the little voice inside my head that sometimes grew to a SCREAM telling me "no more spending!" just to make my STBX happy. When he was happy, I was happy...Codependence anyone?
Action:
1) I've called Revenue Canada and have finally managed to solidify a reasonable payment plan of 250$ a month to pay off my tax arrears (which I didn't pay because I listened to STBX!!).
2) I called the Ministry of Education and offered to pay them 150$ a month on my 20K student loans. I'm waiting to hear from them to see if they accept my proposal (the collections agent I'm dealing with is a liar but I'm stuck with him so cross your fingers and toes for me!!).
3) I'm working very hard to have our lease re-assigned to STBX as of January 1st 2010. If the landlord accepts, I'll move out and can finally begin to live within my means and know where the heck my money is going!!
Someone pat me on the back. I'm exhausted!
May it be
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: A new day. Today I just see bright colors, in the small world of my dreams.
Posts: 384
end up paying for a lot of what we did (which he never ever offered to pay me back for). mine mimicked the words, that he would pay me back, quack, quack.
for a long time, I felt alot of anger over doing the same thing. Helping someone else, get another start, to be able to drive again, get a business going again, not that it ever made enough... I fell for it... it took a few years, Lots of overtime, to get out of that hole (for over 2 yrs, worked 70 to 80 hrs a week). He couldn't even keep a part time job working 4 hrs from noon to 4 pm.
It changed my life. Maybe for the better, I will Never do that again. I am happier than ever, for what I have right now. I learned that self contentment is so wonderful. With each failed relationship, I found that living by myself is getting much better. Bliss, serenity, peace, and being able to save for My rainy days. It doesn't get any better than this. When I started into this, I thought of the things, a better life maybe like, a nice house, good car, vacations, new furniture. (I've seen others in business, & their lives looked pretty nice - that was back then) Now I enjoy my small apt, I am content with what I can get/buy with my own pay.
Like mentioned, it might take a while to get out of this. But if you choose to, it can happen with alot more work.
I also was always financially responsible, always had my bills paid, money saved. Once again, I have it this way. Don't listen to any article that says once you get yourself in the hole, you will do it again. Not true, unless it's for health reasons, beyond my control, mine is staying in my savings acct.
Pat yourself on the back, when he is now longer in your life, when you start to get out of this... It's So Worth It.
for a long time, I felt alot of anger over doing the same thing. Helping someone else, get another start, to be able to drive again, get a business going again, not that it ever made enough... I fell for it... it took a few years, Lots of overtime, to get out of that hole (for over 2 yrs, worked 70 to 80 hrs a week). He couldn't even keep a part time job working 4 hrs from noon to 4 pm.
It changed my life. Maybe for the better, I will Never do that again. I am happier than ever, for what I have right now. I learned that self contentment is so wonderful. With each failed relationship, I found that living by myself is getting much better. Bliss, serenity, peace, and being able to save for My rainy days. It doesn't get any better than this. When I started into this, I thought of the things, a better life maybe like, a nice house, good car, vacations, new furniture. (I've seen others in business, & their lives looked pretty nice - that was back then) Now I enjoy my small apt, I am content with what I can get/buy with my own pay.
Like mentioned, it might take a while to get out of this. But if you choose to, it can happen with alot more work.
I also was always financially responsible, always had my bills paid, money saved. Once again, I have it this way. Don't listen to any article that says once you get yourself in the hole, you will do it again. Not true, unless it's for health reasons, beyond my control, mine is staying in my savings acct.
Pat yourself on the back, when he is now longer in your life, when you start to get out of this... It's So Worth It.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Honey, I am happy to pat you on the back, because you really do deserve it.
Beats being stabbed in the back by a liar and bludger, doesn't it?
You believed you were doing the right thing for him at the time, but unfortunately it wasn't the right thing for you.
OK, now you know where you stand and are determined to get out of that hole, so just do what you need to and let the rest go.
Hope your landlord does re-assign your lease to him, and set you free to only have to take care of your needs and no longer have to get frown lines over him.
God bless
Beats being stabbed in the back by a liar and bludger, doesn't it?
You believed you were doing the right thing for him at the time, but unfortunately it wasn't the right thing for you.
OK, now you know where you stand and are determined to get out of that hole, so just do what you need to and let the rest go.
Hope your landlord does re-assign your lease to him, and set you free to only have to take care of your needs and no longer have to get frown lines over him.
God bless
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 82
I truly hope it all works out for you. Most of us who have lived with an alcoholic have born the burden of trying to keep things together financially. This is one thing that never seems to be talked about much but it is one of the worst things about living with an alcoholic.
May it be
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: A new day. Today I just see bright colors, in the small world of my dreams.
Posts: 384
here's a quote posted in the inspirational section
"No matter how far out on the sea of suffering we've sailed,
all that is required is to turn toward awakening.
It's never too late, but it takes that turning, and no one can do that for us."-- Bonnie Myotai Treace
"No matter how far out on the sea of suffering we've sailed,
all that is required is to turn toward awakening.
It's never too late, but it takes that turning, and no one can do that for us."-- Bonnie Myotai Treace
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 63
Honoryourself -
Oh my....
I could have written most of that about myself. I don't even want to know what my credit rating is. It was so disappointing to keep wanting to give AH the benefit of a doubt when another "investment" idea came along.....only to be burned again.
This "bank" is now officially closed to "new ideas".
I saw a metal sign in our half price bookstore that read:
"Beer: Helping Men Make Bad Decisions"
I still want to buy that and put it on the wall in the shop (just an additional large garage)
Sigh...it's going to take me Years to correct my credit rating.
Isn't it 7 years ?
Oh my....
I could have written most of that about myself. I don't even want to know what my credit rating is. It was so disappointing to keep wanting to give AH the benefit of a doubt when another "investment" idea came along.....only to be burned again.
This "bank" is now officially closed to "new ideas".
I saw a metal sign in our half price bookstore that read:
"Beer: Helping Men Make Bad Decisions"
I still want to buy that and put it on the wall in the shop (just an additional large garage)
Sigh...it's going to take me Years to correct my credit rating.
Isn't it 7 years ?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: east siiiide
Posts: 254
I don't know how many years it takes to get through a credit disaster.
I have to say I'm thrilled AH is working a job now. But I also have to say I have no idea how long it will last. He does think he's a little "GOD" at what he does, so he has a tendency to work really hard to prove that he's the best, then take days/afternoons off to do whatever he pleases because he "deserves it". He also seems to job hop and have plenty of reasons why he has to leave-- mostly because other people are taking advantage of him and stealing his commissions. Always somebody else right?? LOL!
This time he told me he was going to work long and hard every day including saturdays in order to make it up to me, the money we'd lost in the investments. Well that was last week, and he did work on Saturday.. but yesterday he took the afternoon off after going on a drinking binge Wed night with a buddy from work and crashing at his house (because I wasn't telling him what he wanted to hear, so it's my fault he left the house).
Really, I just don't believe any of it any more. Actions speak louder than words!
I have to say I'm thrilled AH is working a job now. But I also have to say I have no idea how long it will last. He does think he's a little "GOD" at what he does, so he has a tendency to work really hard to prove that he's the best, then take days/afternoons off to do whatever he pleases because he "deserves it". He also seems to job hop and have plenty of reasons why he has to leave-- mostly because other people are taking advantage of him and stealing his commissions. Always somebody else right?? LOL!
This time he told me he was going to work long and hard every day including saturdays in order to make it up to me, the money we'd lost in the investments. Well that was last week, and he did work on Saturday.. but yesterday he took the afternoon off after going on a drinking binge Wed night with a buddy from work and crashing at his house (because I wasn't telling him what he wanted to hear, so it's my fault he left the house).
Really, I just don't believe any of it any more. Actions speak louder than words!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 161
I bumped into this little note today from my exABF to a friend of his that started a meeting/dating website (this was right before we started dating). He wrote it to one of his friends that started the site. Some girl he maybe wrote to twice asked him to go to Mexico with her. He totally wanted to go (he didn't even know her!! Never met her!) and he wrote this to his friends:
"Hi ***,
Been playing on your site. Obinja from durango seems nice, but lives too far away, and a bit old .
*** from Basalt just asked me if I want to go to mexico next weekend. I just gotta get her to pay, and I'm in. I'll keep you posted.
*****"
My God. He didn't know her and he was trying to get her to PAY FOR HIS TRIP! I'm horrified!! Who the hell is this person I got involved with??!! God did I have the blinders on. Why did I expect him to pay me back (or even to pay FOR things for me) when he was willing to take advantage of someone he didn't even know?! What a horrible screwed up person I feel in love with! It makes me feel really stupid and cheap seeing this behavior! He's a financial leech. The more I see of his behavior being on the outside, the more disgusted I am.
THANK GOD I got out and didn't move in....
"Hi ***,
Been playing on your site. Obinja from durango seems nice, but lives too far away, and a bit old .
*** from Basalt just asked me if I want to go to mexico next weekend. I just gotta get her to pay, and I'm in. I'll keep you posted.
*****"
My God. He didn't know her and he was trying to get her to PAY FOR HIS TRIP! I'm horrified!! Who the hell is this person I got involved with??!! God did I have the blinders on. Why did I expect him to pay me back (or even to pay FOR things for me) when he was willing to take advantage of someone he didn't even know?! What a horrible screwed up person I feel in love with! It makes me feel really stupid and cheap seeing this behavior! He's a financial leech. The more I see of his behavior being on the outside, the more disgusted I am.
THANK GOD I got out and didn't move in....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
i could easily add to the finance saga here...i'll make it short...when i met xABF, i owned my own house, it was paid for and i had a car, also paid for.
now, i'm signing on the dole and living in a council flat.
on a funny (?) note, i was reading nyc_chick's therapist's advice for closure. one of the steps was to take every gift he had ever given and put it in a box and put it away.
i thought, "oh, that's a good idea" and then, as i sat and thought about it, i realized that he had never given me anything. 5 years and not one gift! ever!
someone call the codie police!
naive
now, i'm signing on the dole and living in a council flat.
on a funny (?) note, i was reading nyc_chick's therapist's advice for closure. one of the steps was to take every gift he had ever given and put it in a box and put it away.
i thought, "oh, that's a good idea" and then, as i sat and thought about it, i realized that he had never given me anything. 5 years and not one gift! ever!
someone call the codie police!
naive
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