Can anyone relate?

Old 09-11-2003, 02:52 PM
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Can anyone relate?

I was just wondering if anybody else has ever had the same problem as me. My A and I have been together for about 11 years and he has been doing really great staying sober for 1 year now. But our marriage is awful. He has recently decided that he is no longer in love with me and no longer wants to pursue this relationship. He says that I am a negative influence in his life and am a danger to his sobriety.
I have had my walls up since he has decided to work his program until about 4 months ago I started to let them down and begin to trust him. Only to find out recently that he has been unhappy with me for the last 8 months. I feel very angry because we can't communicate with each other. I admit that I haven't been working my program as I should, but it hasn't been until lately that I realize that it is a Family Disease. I never really thought that anything was wrong with me. I just cared (so I thought).
It is frusterating to me because I have stood by his side for many years that were heartbreaking to me, and the first second he finds that he is unhappy he is done.
I don't know I just need to vent. Only god knows what will come to pass. And I know that I am right where I need to be. I guess I'm just looking for someone who has had a successful marriage after sobriety. Ours is getting worse when you think it would get better. It is very frustrating.
I've always wanted our marriage to last, but I never have felt like he was committed to me for life. I feel like a wife of convience. Anytime he is in the pit and has nothing....that's when he wants me, but when he begins to rebuild his life and starts to have success....he no longer wants me. This has been the pattern for many years.
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Old 09-11-2003, 03:17 PM
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((((((gonecrazy)))))))

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Addiction and recovery can be devastating to a marriage. My husband and I have been through so many ups and downs and have talked about separating several times. At this point I think we're both just taking it one day at a time.

You're right about addiction being a family disease. I grew up with it and married into it. I think I'm just now getting to the heart of my recovery, where I can see all the issues I've carried from childhood that have manifested into fear, neediness, and controlling behavior in my marriage and adulthood.

Boy, do I know how it hurts to find out that they are so quick to leave, after everything we've put up with from them. But the thing is, no one asked us to stay and maybe we shouldn't have! It's a hard pill to swallow to find out we've given more than others are willing to give us. But most of the time, we're probably just giving too much to begin with.

Have you attended al-anon meetings? If not, check out a few. Trust me, it's really worth it.

Take care and hugs,
JG
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Old 09-11-2003, 07:47 PM
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Gonecrazy,

He is doing alot of changing and growing. It is certainly possible that he may have changing feelings about your relationship. It isn't about you tho and you can try to not internalize it too much. If you are both in recovery then keeping the lines of communication open and taking it all one day at a time should take you both to where you were are meant to be.

Personally...I am married one day at a time.

Hugs,
JT
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Old 09-12-2003, 04:02 AM
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Hi,

I'm just thinking about what you said about when he's down and out he needs but when he's rebuilding his life he doesn't.

After 3 years with my ex I discovered that if something better came along he would have dumped me in a second. I was only there for him and what he could get from me.

My fault in it was I shouldn't have been there in the first place with someone who didn't want a committed relationship and also I shouldn't have given so much to the relationship, I should have been taking care of me. Anyway live and learn that's part of my disease of co-dependency.

Ngaire
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Old 09-12-2003, 07:20 AM
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Thank you everyone for your replies. Yeah I have recently been going to alanon meetings. I really like them. The whole situation just makes me sad thats all.
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