Mama22Boys

Oh, sigh!

My AH has been spiraling down down down for a good three months now and I am sensing that things have become very desperate for him recently...in the past when things have gotten to this point he has landed in rehab etc.

The story tonight is...for three days our cell records indicate AH is calling the dealer. Of course over the weekend he denied copping any dope, it was all about "I couldn't make the connection" blah blah...well today is back to work and here we go again with the dealer.

Usually he calls me after work on the way home, he didn't. I knew he was high or going to be high shortly, and I just decided I needed a break from it. This has happened about every 4-5 days for like, a month, and I am tired of the chaos that ensues when he comes home. So I texted him and just said "I know what is going on, it's fine, but I need a break, please don't come home."

Now, AH has no access to "our" money. So it's not like he can just go get a room or whatever. That really sticks in his craw. In the past, I have put him up in hotels, etc...but with my two kids here I was not going to go out and do that. So he was going to be out there, no money, whatever.

I also put in my text that I was turning my cell off. For the first time in years, I stuck to my guns. I have not answered his REPEATED texts, emails, voice mails and calls. I put a bag of clothes and some food outside the back door, after some thought. I decided I didn't feel put out by doing that so I wouldn't end up resentful for that.

I just got an email which says I am "cruel and unusual" along with the usual threats of "irrepairable damage" to our marriage if I don't let him come home. QUACK.

I am wondering though, am I doing this for the right reasons? Will this accomplish anything? For once I am not having a problem with NOT talking to him. Normally I am freaking out, trying to keep him talking, trying to stop him from using more, trying to prolong discussions and such.

What I DON'T want is to be doing this out of revenge. I said I needed a break from it and I really do...I feel so heady and I guess, empowered, because I actually followed through...but I don't want this to be about me needing to control things.

Thoughts? Am I doing this for the right reasons? Is this how you felt when you followed through on something for the first time with your A? I would love your feedback...

Thanks!!!

outtolunch

Is your objective to take a break or do you expect the break to compel a change in him? It matters.

hello-kitty

I think you are doing awesome. His behavior is inappropriate. You are following through on natural consequences for his completely inappropriate behavior. He is destroying the marriage not you.

When I finally followed through on my boundaries. I did pretty much the same thing as you. I responded to a text saying don't come home. I turned off my phone. And I put a box of clothes and stuff out on the street for him.

I encourage you to continue on your path. He has not changed. But you have.

There's no point talking to a pissed off drug addict. You took away his security blanket and he's mad. He'll probably say or do anything to get back in the house. I guess he'll have to just deal with the consequences of ditching his wife and kid to go use drugs. Too bad for him.

No. It's not going to get him sober. No matter what he promises. But maybe it will bring some well deserved peace and serenity into your life and the life of your children.

Mama22Boys

Thank you! I absolutely feel better without him here, so I know for sure I needed this break. I just couldn't imagine having the same fight AGAIN and well, I am almost always up for a fight so that probably says something.

Yeah, being really honest I wish that this would "make him see" a bit more...but I also know that it always takes at least 48 hours for him to get to the sad, guilty stage of his addiction cycle. So, tomorrow he will just be really angry and I'll probably pay for my night off big time (with another argument) but I am trying NOT to think of just him for the next 8 hours.

cassandra2

I agree with what has been said.

I know from my own experience. I kicked my A out because my straw was taking from the rent money to buy drugs. Or so I kept telling myself. But in reality I was doing it to control him. To make him conform to my way. I ended up suffering greatly because of that. It accomplished nothing absolutely nothing. In fact it just made things go from bad to worse.

Today he is clean but not because of anything that I did or didnt do.

I am working hard on NOT controlling anything or anyone. This is very hard to do. But it can be done. I am working out getting to the bottom of my motives. And then asking myself what my motive is and really thinking about it before I take action.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that if you really truly are doing this because you need a break and you cannot live with the chaos of addiction then yes you probably did do the right thing. BUT and this is a big BUT if anywhere in you did this because you wanted to control him it will come back to haunt you.

Ask yourself if you do take this break how would you feel if it ended up being a permanent break. If you find yourself conflicted about that then you should really examine why you asked him not to come home.

My A left went to rehab about a month later but then held ME responsible for not being able to do drugs EVER again. He felt like I ruined his life. He relapsed. When he got sick and tired of being a drug addict he quit. For himself. Not for me, not for our kids, not for his family but for HIMSELF. Today he sees what he did wrong and has on a daily basis tried to make amends with ACTIONS not WORDS. We are still growing and learning but now I have to admit it is much easier without the drugs.

Good luck to you. Keep posting and let us know how things go.

LivingWithHope

I agree with what has already been said and am proud of you for sticking to your guns. I remember the first time I turned off my cell phone and didn't check my messages. It was hard but I made it through and so did he. Just remember all of this when his quacking begins again about how cruel you are. Stay strong!

Mama22Boys

Is it wrong to not allow him to come home when he has no money. He texted me "sure is cold out here in the car." To which I laughed to myself because its 47 degrees, not 32.

But still.

He has always pointed out that my controlling the money is like controlling him. I see that point, so should I have given him money to leave with? Because I KNOW where that money would have gone...not to mention each time we have discussed him leaving it's always "give me $400 for one night" so I can "eat" and "get a room".

I keep telling myself he had/has a sponsor he could call, or get to a meeting, or find another option because he KNOWS there are options out there that don't involve sleeping in the car and I am telling myself HE is being stubborn and if he is suffering out there, well that is his own fault.

It's sooo hard! I feel like crap about it all and conflicted and worried about tomorrow but nonetheless, I am SO GLAD I do not have to sit here and look at his high eyes, because that is the hardest thing to do sometimes.

Mama22Boys

CO,

6 years of controlling the money and I have not once controlled his drug use, this I know.

It's 3 a.m. here, I just finished feeding my baby and I realized how happy I am to not have to face him right now. I made the right decision. I feel badly for him, being out in the cold so to speak, but I am not obsessing about where he is or what he is doing...I woke up and I my first thought was I was glad I was alone. It was actually about ME, not HIM.

I think that means my motivations were positive. I am happy I made one good step today.

URMYEVERYTHING

Hi Mama,
He won't be out in the cold for too long. He will find ways to keep himself sheltered. I believe you are doing the right thing. It's not about control... I believe... it's about self preservation and protecting your kids at this point. If he has a problem with it... he can take it to the judge. But in the meantime, document and keep your records, just in case court is an issue and seperation/divorce happens. Just remember, though, as long as you remain married... whatever financial mess he creates while he is out there may become your issue. Find out what you need to do to protect yourself financially other than freezing the accounts.

Hang in there girl.. you are doing what is right for you and your children.

outtolunch

Being honest with myself about my motives was a milestone, for me.
Back when, I was convinced I could beat my daughter's addiction into submission. It was a time of magical thinking for me. I managed to turn my daughter's addiction into an "all about me", story.

Needless to say, it did not work. It took my daughter's addiction to teach me I have no control over any one other than myself. Who knew?

I am an old dog who learned new tricks, necessary to my own survival.
I have no desire to be anyone's gatekeeper or warden. There is nothing worse, for me, than living with someone in active addiction. And that became my unshakable boundary.

outonalimb

The money issue is a trap.

Towards the end of my marriage with exah, I was weak and I let my exah get away with things that hurt me and our son and I resented the heck out of him for it. I'd watch him drain our account and I'd be left without money I needed to put gas in my car to get to work. I'd borrow from family and friends to buy groceries and I hated my exah for it. No husband in their right mind would put their wife and family through this. No husband or wife in their right mind would make their spouse have to choose between feeding their children or buying gas to get to work. Its insane...but then, so are they when they're in the throws of addiction. Good for you for protecting yourself and your kids and keeping those boundaries in place. You're doing great.

Like your AH, my ex didn't have anywhere to go (or so I thought at the time). I didn't feel that I had the right to keep him from the home and yet I couldn't go on another day living that life.

My solution...I left. I left because my parents had an empty rental home available for me and I couldn't take the guilting, the browbeating, the pitiful pleas from my ex that quickly turned into angry shouting matches about my new boundaries.

I just couldn't take it anymore.

I know I was lucky. Not everyone has this opportunity to escape. If I hadn't had an escape route, I know I would have eventually made my way to a lawyer but I'm sure I would have suffered like you are now with the whole thing.

Meg...we've 'known' each other here for a long time...our paths have been pretty similar...you know I'm sending all the strength I can muster in your direction today because I know how dramatically and quickly things can improve when we stop making decisions based on whats best for them. You sound so strong...and poised to take your life in a new, healthy direction. I'm cheering you on.

Learn2Live

Mama,
I am so glad you have gotten to the point where you can make this decision for yourself, in order to maintain your serenity. It is difficult I know but the most effective thing I have found for me in this situation, is to continue to focus on MY needs and desires and what I need to do in order to have a peaceful and serene life, the fact that I cannot help him in ANY way (that he MUST stand on his own two feet), and that I am not responsible for what he is doing to himself nor his outcomes from what he is doing to himself.

Regarding the money, he ALREADY has a home to live in. HE decided to leave and go on a bender. The question for you for next time is, did you communicate your boundaries with him beforehand that he may not come into the house when he is using? If not, that is probably where all your guilt is coming from. So, once he comes down from this one, if you allow him back into the house, set your boundaries for this, write them out, and then communicate them to him in a calm and clear fashion. Use the three-step process for communicating your boundaries (and those of your children). It is very important for you to do this before it happens again. It is not a threat, and you must be able to follow thru.

Here's an example for your convenience:

Bob (or whatever his name is),
1. When you use drugs, I feel it is too dangerous, unhealthy and disruptive for myself and the children.
2. Therefore, if you use drugs again;
3. I will not allow you to come into the house or otherwise be around me and the children until you are drug-free.
4. Then, ask him if he understands what you said or ask him to repeat back what you said.
5. Turn around and walk away.

Don't worry about the next step or the what-ifs. Don't worry if he will now want a divorce or what this means for the future of your relationship. Stay in the present moment. Be clear for yourself what your boundaries are (hence the reason to write them out) and what you want for YOUR life and YOUR children's lives.

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I am wondering though, am I doing this for the right reasons?

If you are doing this to protect yourself and your children from the person's behavior, then yes, with no regard to any other motivations you may have for wanting him out of the house (unless you're being criminal or something).

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Will this accomplish anything?

Yes, this will help you maintain your sanity, your peace, and your serenity. 'Till next time.

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What I DON'T want is to be doing this out of revenge. I said I needed a break from it and I really do...I feel so heady and I guess, empowered, because I actually followed through...but I don't want this to be about me needing to control things.

It does not matter if you are doing this out of revenge. It is unhealthy for you and the children to live this way. This person is very sick and his sickness is affecting the health of you and your children. You feel empowered because you are now taking control of YOUR life and YOUR environment. You are able to do this because somehow you have managed to stop trying to control him in response to your fears.

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Thoughts?

See above.

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Am I doing this for the right reasons?

I believe so, yes. See above.

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Is this how you felt when you followed through on something for the first time with your A?

Yes. The good feeling you have is not, I believe, a celebration of your POWER. I believe it is the feeling of SERENITY.

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Is it wrong to not allow him to come home when he has no money.

No, it is not wrong. For me to feel confident in this answer, I look to biblical texts for what is right vs what is wrong. I don't believe the Bible says it is wrong to disassociate yourself from a good for nothing man who chooses to do vile, disgusting, immoral things.

Quote:

He texted me "sure is cold out here in the car."

This is him using guilt as a mechanism to get you to do what HE wants you to do, which is to let him come home to your nice, cozy house (that YOU cleaned by the way) and crash & burn.

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But still.

But still nothin'.

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He has always pointed out that my controlling the money is like controlling him. I see that point, so should I have given him money to leave with?

You are listening to an insane, manipulative, sick man who has chosen to leave the family home, his wife, and his small children to participate in vile, disgusting, immoral behaviors, which is causing you to second-guess yourself and your need to do the right thing for your family, which includes making sound financial decisions.

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Because I KNOW where that money would have gone...not to mention each time we have discussed him leaving it's always "give me $400 for one night" so I can "eat" and "get a room".

Because you allow yourself open communication with this person, you are now second-guessing your own right to care for, protect, and support yourself and your children.

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I keep telling myself he had/has a sponsor he could call, or get to a meeting, or find another option because he KNOWS there are options out there that don't involve sleeping in the car and I am telling myself HE is being stubborn and if he is suffering out there, well that is his own fault....It's sooo hard! I feel like crap about it all and conflicted and worried about tomorrow but nonetheless...

It is sufficient for you to decide that HE is responsible for what he should, could or would do best for himself, to let go of whether or not he is being stubborn or suffering, and to let go of the idea that there is anyone to blame or find fault with. Once you have practiced letting those things go, you will stop feeling like crap and all conflicted and worried about what is happening now or what is going to happen in the future.

Hope something here is helpful.

hello-kitty

Whenever I hear (see) someone say "I wish" it makes me think of that old Irish saying:

If wishes were horses then beggars would ride,
If turnips were swords I'd have one by my side.
If 'ifs' and 'ands' were pots and pans
There would be no need for tinkers hands!

There's nothing wrong with wishes. Part of me wishes that my ex would get better (but now I'm so adjusted to life, that the other part of me wishes he would just fall off the face of the earth and leave us alone).

As adults we should realize, however, that wishes only come true with a lot of commitment and hard work. There is no fairy godmother that is gonna come down and solve his addiction for him.

Mama22Boys

Wow, such great words of wisdom here. Thanks to everyone who has replied!

I'm doing well not contacting him. I recieved one call today and did not pick it up. I've decided that for the moment, I need to pretend he does not exist, even though I have guilt over it. I know it's the right thing to do for me and my boys. Hope I can keep it up!

hello-kitty

I find it easy to "keep it up" when I accept that I only need to keep it up "just for today". My best moments are when I stay in the present and focus on what I need to get done today. Today worrying about the future is not one of those things on my priority list. I'm too busy living in the present.

kj3880

He felt that he needed $400 for one night of food and shelter at a hotel??? Where is he staying, The Hilton? What is he eating, filet mignon? Just another example of lying and quacking.

KJ

hello-kitty

I used to keep a list of free shelters and rehabs in my purse, just in case my ex would call me quacking that he needed a place to stay. You can print one out off the internet. Just google it for your area.

PacNorwesterner

I had the same thought, kj. He must be living the good life.

Mama22Boys

Thank you kitty. I just did that.

greeteachday

It's amazing how much better you sound in 24 hours, Meggie - Getting out of the front row and just focusing on you and the kids has made a difference quickly. Lots of great advice from those who have been there...I just wanted to add a good for you and a hug