honoryourself

Hi. I'm the wife of an alcoholic. It took me a long time to recognize that it was alcoholism, though I always had a nagging feeling. We've been together 3.5 years, married almost 2. Not that long, but it feels like forever. I have so much love for him but I have been letting myself suffer for it. His drinking has never been the kind to get black out drunk every day of the week, only when we have bad fights and he goes out without me. When he's really depressed he drinks more. Every evening he drinks from the moment he gets home till the moment he goes to bed, and on the weekends he starts early. He's not usually stumbling drunk by any means, but asking him to give up the drink is like asking him to give up his only joy. He creates such tension and the arguments are scary. His moodiness is horrible and I'm losing joy in life. He says he loves me, and he showers me with affection at times, goes out of his way to do things for me, but at the same time I am not allowed to question his behavior. He's killing himself, with alcohol and cigarettes, and he's more and more dishonest about little things as time goes on. I wrote this today, and I thought I'd share:

The past couple of months have been really difficult for me. I know the arguments and conflicts are no different than the many I have lived through before, but this time something has been changing--in me. I'm starting to see things from a different perspective.. not totally, but I'm getting there. I'm starting to understand that I feel crazy not because I am broken but because I live in a broken environment, and I let it break me. I'm starting to understand that I'm not wrong to want control over my own finances, that it's not too much to ask of my husband to step up and contribute financially in any way possible, and that it's not too much to ask that my husband not drink constantly when he is home. I have been living too long with the burden of supporting us primarily, and that came to a head recently, which set off a series of arguments that escalated to a point they have never reached before.
By escalated, I mean that finally I left the house. Not for long, and not without a lot of tears and hurt and embarrassment, but I left all the same, for the first time ever. For the first time ever I spoke my frustrations and my pain and my experiences out loud to my parents, my friends. It was liberating. As I spoke I realized I was not always wrong, I was not always too demanding, and that I was not overreacting to situations. I was told people wondered how I had put up with this behavior for so long. All I could say was that I loved him.
Now I am learning that I may love him, but I love him for what he could be, and not for what he is.
I'm starting to educate myself on what it means to be a codependent, and what it means to be emotionally abused. I have questioned myself over and over if it was me who had the problem, and if I was causing the pain by screaming, yelling, or hurling insults myself. At the end of the arguments I was always the one to apologize, to ask for forgiveness, and to admit that I crossed a line. I know that I went too far, and what I did during those moments was emotionally abusive, but now I understand why I did it. I also understand that I know in my heart that it is wrong, and no human being deserves to be treated that way, no matter how were acting. AH has told me in the past that he didn't need to apologize for many reasons: 1) he did nothing wrong (but if he hurt me, I see that as a reason to be sorry none the less) 2) I provoked him. Things I said or did MADE him act the way he acted. Number 2 is very convenient for a lot of reasons. First of all it deflects the blame. Now the abuser is not to blame because the other person 'started it'. Not only that, but the abuser does not need to apologize because his actions were warranted based on events leading up to it. This way he does not have to accept responsibility for what he said or did, because it was seemingly out of his control.

I never accepted that argument, but for some reason I've lived with it. No one forces us to do or say the things we do. We always have a choice. I lived too long thinking I was crazy, thinking I had somehow played a hand in this, and that somehow I deserved this barrage of insults, passive aggressive behavior, guilt trips, jealousy, and down right rude ness and lack of intimacy from my husband. I'm trying to figure out why I feel I deserve this, and the best I can come up with is that I feel broken. I feel that I have deep dark places inside me and that I deserve to suffer, or that at the very least, I should put up with others' behavior because I can understand how childhood experiences can shape the way we act. I've said it so many times while trying to avoid passing judgement on others, that "everyone has their own story". I know this is true with my husband, but I've been missing a very important follow up to that statement: it is not my job to fix others. If someone wants help, I can support them. But who am I to try to change the repetitive, damaging behaviors that are so ingrained in my husband? It is not my job to cure him of his alcoholism. It is not my job to point it out to him every time he fails. It is not my job to shove him in the direction of a counselor. And, it is certainly not my job to withstand the battery of insults and withdrawal of love that I so often receive from him. This is not a way to help him. It causes no change, it only solidifies the assertion that I will always be there no matter what he does.

I think I am finally starting to understand why I have stayed. I do have problems of my own--ones I don't know how to solve on my own, ones that I have tried to work out over the past 10 years and had no success, or little success with. I have an eating disorder, that I minimize. I don't do it often, I say. But often is relative. I do it less often than I did when I first started back at age 12. So I have a problem, and it's a problem I don't really want to get help with. Maybe it's one of the few things I feel I can do something about. Something I can change. I don't know, I never analyzed it that much. I also have a problem with sexual intimacy. I can give sex and I can give love but I cannot give them both together. I cannot give sex to someone I love without intense anxiety, fear, revulsion and other negative emotions. As you can see this leads to a lack of physical intimacy in my relationship. I grin and bear it but I cannot enjoy it, at least not usually. I cannot stand having the spotlight on me, so intense is my anxiety and guilt and worry for the other person. I cannot relax and enjoy sexual favors. I am constantly analyzing it, and usually thinking that it is a method for the man to gain a favor for himself, like a bargaining chip. I'd rather have none of it. Anyway, I have a long way to go when it comes to sex.

This is why I am broken.
The point is, I know I have a very distressing problem, and one that many men don't enjoy dealing with or are not equipped to deal with or flat out don't understand. My husband has stayed with me despite the problem. If I were to tell myself that it's OK to leave someone because their problems are affecting me in such a negative way, then I'm telling myself that it is also OK for someone to leave me because of my problems. How do I reconcile that? Is it OK to leave me because of my problems? I guess it is. So, will I spend the rest of my life seeking out partners who are equally damaged, or who are unavailable, so that I never have to deal with the pain of rejection for something that I don't know how to fix?

I feel this must be at the heart of my codependency. I want to fix others, as it takes the magnifying glass away from me and onto someone else. The positive part of all this self examination is that now I am starting to see that I have not done enough to help myself. I have put my problems on the back burner many times because I didn't have the time, energy, or resources to deal with them. I didn't have the need to, no one was forcing me to deal with them, and no one was helping me with the recovery.

Last night I went to my first Al-Anon meeting. I say first because I truly hope there is a second. It was so scary, but I am SO proud of myself for taking that first step. I've looked up meetings before but never had the courage to attend. This time I felt so lonely, so lost, and so hurt. I did not want to be in my house, but there was no library to run to, no friend to call up. I wanted to know more about alcoholism, because it just didn't feel right to me. My husband admitted, two weeks ago, that he had a problem with alcohol. He said he felt it was out of control, and that he needed help. He spoke to a counselor for one day about it, and was given a suggestion to see a doctor and get on medication to help with the side effects of sobriety. He looked up information online, and he talked to me about it. He told me he couldn't just quit right away, that he should cut back instead. In fact, he told me that the majority of the internet sites he read said he should just cut back, because stopping completely was 'dangerous'. I admit I didn't believe this at all. I've learned not to believe my husband, which is sad. He says anything he can think of to keep me off his back, to avoid dealing with the truth, and to support his faulty reasoning. I wonder if he knows he is lying, but I think it is so ingrained in his personality through years of practice that he just doesn't notice it anymore. I was so proud of him for admitting for the first time that his drinking was causing problems. He wrote out his feelings, he talked to me honestly about times when he snuck drinks in the night, and told me how much he loved me and cared for me. I sucked it all up, every last bit of it. I have never heard such music to my ears. I felt we were on the verge of change, for real this time.

I did not know what alcoholism was. I am still learning.

AH made promises to seriously limit drinking. I helped with suggestions and supported him. I let down some of my guard and anger from the preceeding argument in order to help foster change. In doing so, I resented him for having the ability to minimize all the other problems that existed in our relationship. He cut back, very reasonably. He seemed to be doing so well... 0 drinks in 2 nights, then to 1 drink the other week nights, and on the weekend, 2-3 drinks a day. To me this was a victory. To me this was even difficult, as I'd grown accustomed to drinking every night with him--and not just beer and wine, but liquor drinks sometimes. Alcohol had become very much a pattern in my life as well. I worked to let go of my behaviors and he made strides.

In the second week he did not take a night off, and I questioned it. The fantasy came crashing down. Frustration, anger, and rage came pouring out of him. I was a nag, I was annoying, nothing would ever be good enough for me, I was negative, I was unsupportive, etc., etc... All for questioning his motives and wanting to know why he was no longer taking a night off from drinking. It was not the fact that he was having a single beer that night that worried me, but mostly his response to my questioning it. I learned my place again--and that is that I am never allowed to question his behavior. What he does is his own will! He announced that if he wants a beer, he'll have a beer, and I'm an awful and unsupportive person if I'm not HAPPY that he is just having one beer. Maybe I questioned him too soon, but then I learned more about the disease. My counselor told me this was called bargaining.. and that alcoholics cannot simply cut back, because their body is constantly wanting more. It doesn't leave their minds and their body craves it. It causes mood disturbances no matter in what quantities. It's not the same as when I drink, I can take it or leave it. When an alcoholic has a drink, he undergoes a change. What I could see was a change in attitude. For three days, that attitude persisted. He found a way to take out his frustrations on me. How dare I question him and not support him. His desire to drink constantly was likely so strong that he wanted a place to direct that anger, and finally, here it was. As long as I was supporting him and proud of him and stroking his ego constantly, he could not find a reason to be angry with me but now here it was. All the honesty and emotional intimacy that was there last week was gone, and it was my fault. I caused it, I ruined it. Suddenly, divorce is again no big deal. He does not care for the marriage, because I am such an annoying and negative and unsupportive wife that he could do much better without me. Suddenly, there is a reason to drink again. On Sunday when my parents were coming to visit, they announced they were bringing beer. I haven't told them anything other than that he'd cut back on drinking. I never used the word alcoholic with them. "Good," was his response--and my stomach churned to hear it. He couldn't wait for that beer. We had one left in the fridge and he IMMEDIATELY went for it. He offered to share it with me, as if to say he was still in control. But he wasn't, and he wasn't fooling me. He had 5 or 6 beers that day, and half of them were drank after the company was gone.

I didn't say anything to him about his drinking. I've learned there is no point. Sometimes I say something out of my own frustration, but that is selfish and pointless. It is a waste of breath. He doesn't care, and it will be my fault or there will be no problem with what he is doing, and either way, no good will come of it. I will most likely be insulted and made into the bad guy, again. He ignored me, withheld love all day, as if to say, look what I can take away from you when you don't do as I wish. He knows it hurts me when he withholds love and attention. He tells me he doesn't care, it doesn't matter, he's over it, and he's over me, and there is no threat left in divorce. We've been down this road before. While I can threaten divorce I can in the same breath scream that I can't understand how that doesn't affect him in any way. How can one face divorce and not FEEL anything. I am trying to make sense of the chaos and the insanity, and there is no way about it. I need to give up trying to control the situation, because I have no control over him. I cannot MAKE him feel things, and I cannot make him love me. I cannot make him see that he is the one driving us apart. I cannot convince him he is wrong, or that his facts are backwards, and I have to let go of my desire to make him SEE the truth. If I spent half that energy focused on myself and helping ME see the truth of the situation, I would have been long gone.

It's not all bad. There are good moments, but in truth I am always worried. Worried that the good moment is about to leave. Worried that I can't talk about something without a big blow up. That's not living, that's stress. That's dying. There are times when he really shows me how much he loves me. I love, love, love those times. But I think I need to be realistic. I can be loved and showered with affection and sweet gestures by someone else who does not give me the pain and hurt that comes with it. I have a hard time giving that up, though.

I went to Al-Anon and spoke at my frist meeting. As soon as I opened my mouth I cried. I had to hold back my tears the rest of the meeting as they kept wanting to flow forth. I am so SICK of crying, but this cry felt good. Someone was listening, someone was caring. In fact many people were caring, and they were there to support me and show me that I was not alone in my struggle. I'm sure I sounded like a confused, blubbering idiot, but it didn't matter. During the meeting I was thinking, I hope people don't go around hugging each other (me) afterwards, because I don't want to be hugged and I don't know these people. After the meeting, one girl spoke to me for a while, got my number and gave me hers, and told me to call her at any time what so ever, should I need someone to talk to. It was so kind. I have not experienced that level of kindness from a complete stranger before. She talked to me about alcoholism, and her experiences. She asked me some questions about what I was going through. I almost cried again. She hugged me, and it was nice. I don't get affection like that at home. When my husband hugs me it always feels like a means to an end-- hug her to get her to stop crying. Hug her to get her to get over it so that she doesn't bother me with her feelings any more. Hug her because it's what I'm supposed to do. Hug her half-heartedly because I'm actually still angry at her and don't agree with her emotions.

I think I took a big step yesterday. Today I read. I feel as though I am going through a grieving process-- a letting go of my expectations for my husband. He will not necessarily be the man I need just because I wish him to be that way. He will not be a good husband to me simply because I deserve it.
Stage 1: First I had tried apologizing and being the martyr for the sake of the relationship. That only helped temporarily, but really it just confirmed to him that he can treat me like dirt and I will still apologize and beg his forgiveness, no matter what.
Stage 2: Then I tried reading books on how to set boundaries in order to save a marriage, and books on why we choose the person we choose. Books on marriage and how to make the love better. But I was the only one reading these books. I was the only one who cared. I was the only one hoping to find answers in these books. I was hoping to find a way to keep the marriage, to fix it, and to manipulate it into working for me.
Stage 3: I left, I cried, I talked to everyone, I felt like I was going crazy for a while, and anger poured out of me. I continued to think that if I was angry enough, he might change. I still held on to hope that he would change. He finally broke, admitted his wrongs, told me he loved me and said he would change. I believed him, with a grain of salt, but mostly I believed him because in my heart I hoped I had not chosen a man who was bad for me.
Stage 4: I tried to continue expecting change, and my expectations were dashed. I was back where I started, I felt the pain of the cycle. I felt things were still not meeting my expectations. Now I am questioning my expectations, questioning how quickly I desire a resolution, questioning my codependency, questioning my role in supporting his bad behaviors, and starting to learn about the emotional abuse and disease of alcoholism. I'm informing myself. I'm actually trying to take an outside perspective at my life, and what I'm doing. I know I can be happy--I've been happy before. But with AH, I am not myself. I am an extension of him. I think this is called enmeshing, and it's what he wants, and it's why I've probably stayed this long. He wants someone he can control, someone who believes in him whole heartedly, and someone who feels his emotions with him. I am someone who has a hard time determining what my emotions are, and am frequently feeling others' emotions. I am easily influenced by others' feelings and opinions. I have a problem identifying exactly who I am as an individual. But I do know that by myself I am a happier and more pleasant and more fun person than I am with him. With him, I am only as happy and fun and pleasant as he is at any given moment, and that usually isn't good enough.

In this stage I am confronting my own problems. I need to learn to be myself. I need to learn to stop allowing others to dictate how I feel or what I think. I have a long road ahead. But I believe that, whatever the outcome, I will be better off for learning and improving myself. There has never been any hope for AH and I as far as I can remember. We both held on to something we needed, not something that was right. We wanted to prove to ourselves that we were good enough to make this work, but really we were indulging in our flaws. Unless we both change significantly -- him to cease his emotional abuse, controlling behavior, alcoholism, and become honest with himself and others, and me to work on my sexual intimacy issues, trust, codependency, and knowing what I deserve and acting like it-- then there will be no beneficial relationship. Apart, we are both broken, and together we are a broken unity. With others, we are still broken, and we need to fix ourselves before we can live fulfilling lives.

I feel sorry that AH cannot see that his denial is hurting him so deeply. I'm sorry that he does not see the value in self examination or in counseling, much less in group therapy. I feel I am one step ahead in that I am willing to try to take an honest look at myself, to accept help, and to seek help actively.

It wasn't easy walking into that first Al-Anon meeting. I decided I would just drive there. I sat on the couch before the meeting next to AH hoping he would somehow change and reach out to me, showing me that I didn't need outside support. That is my sickness. But he didn't. I decided I would just pull up outside and see what kind of people were going in, and then decide. I stood in front of the mirror and looked myself in the face and thought, you have traveled the world alone. You have moved to a new state and knew no one. You have asked strangers for directions, you have asked strangers to explore a city with you. You have spoken to counselors on your own. You have been in much more difficult situations than this. Whether it's uncomfortable or not, it will only be temporary, and the potential benefit is great. Stand tall, be convicted, and do your best. You will live through this. It will not be as difficult as you are making it out to be. Get over that fear and be the strong girl, the strong young woman, and the positive force in your own life. This is a good thing!

I listened to myself. I got into the car, drove to the location, and parked. I walked to the doorway and asked the crowd outside if this was the Al-Anon meeting. A man and a woman told me they would be going to that meeting and I asked if I could wait and go in with them. I was surprised at my willingness to ask for 'help'. They happily obliged and I had taken the first step. Tonight, tomorrow, or another day I will hopefully go to another meeting. I may try to go to a codependents anonymous meeting tonight. I hope I do. I feel weak today, but as everyone said in the meeting, the days that you worry, or the days that you feel bad, are the days you should go. And so I hope I do. Wish me luck!

trapeze

I am proud of you, too. Good for you!

Glad you are here.

gowest

Welcome.

I read every word.
It sounds like you are starting down a good path for YOU.

YOU will find lots and lots of support on this forum and many stories that ring a bell.

GiveLove

Honoryourself, this is a beautiful post.

It sounds like you are taking the first painful steps toward freeing yourself from your suffering - no matter what form that ends up taking.

Please keep us posted on your progress...we have been through this madness too, and we care very much.

honoryourself

Thank you for your kind words and welcoming.

Learn2Live

Cowgirl1265

Welcome to SR, HY. You have been going through a lot, and doing a lot of self-searching. You are doing wonderfully, even through all the pain and difficulty. We are here, we will listen and share with you all that we can.

brundle

Welcome!!! Really awesome post!!!

Free108

Thanks for your story. Looks to me like you are really figuring things out. I recognized a lot of your experience, even though our circumstances are different. Seems that being involved with an addict brings up similar feelings, no matter what the details are.
I just went to my first Al Anon meeting the other day. I also found it very calming and supportive to be there and I was so grateful for all these caring people.
Hang in there and stay on your path. You really seem like you're headed in a good direction.

honoryourself

Thanks again to everyone for being so welcoming and supportive here. Free, congratulations on getting to your first meeting as well. Good luck with everything that you are going through as well. It really is madness, isn't it?

I did bring myself to go to the CODA meeting tonight, though I have to admit it was a much different environment and while it was welcoming I did not get the same feeling of community or hope from it that I did from the Al-Anon meeting. Maybe I'll try another one, as they say to do, before judging.

I haven't told my AH about either meeting, though I suspect he knows, because he hasn't asked where I went either time. Normally his jealous rage would come out, but if he isn't asking it's most likely because he doesn't want to face it, I figure. I didn't leave pamphlets laying around but I didn't hide them that well, and I left my purse out with the welcome packet in it tonight while I walked the dog.. so who knows.

I know one thing, the way he was sitting on the couch, staring at the tv, maintaining his angry, standoffish persona, there would have been absolutely no point in making conversation tonight or last night. I asked how his day was, stayed cordial, and when he brushed me off, I did my best not to let it get to me. I didn't try to push the conversation or criticize him for being moody and sulking.

I think I need to work on my patience.. like I want an outcome immediately, so I can get to the resolution and move on. I either want him to respond favorably and turn into this great person, or tell me in no uncertain terms that he is what he is and doesn't care anymore, so that I can leave and move on. Being in limbo really stinks, but I also know that I need it right now, while I take a good look at who he really is and who I really am. Rushing to a conclusion won't help anything. It's just so hard to have this sinking feeling in my stomach all day and night. I try to fight it and stay occupied but it really drags me down. I know that when he comes home at night, I'll have this negative presence around me for the rest of the evening. He may not be drinking (much, at least as far as he's showing me I saw one beer gone from our house, but as I have learned, someone could be passing him drinks after work while he pretends he's working late), but the attitude is still there.

Sunday afternoon in the midst of a standoff, I asked him one question. I told him I was curious if cutting back on drinking had been difficult for him. He put on his game face, the pitch of his voice raised again like that of a liar, and he said, "Not at all, actually. Not at all." I just said, "OK," and walked away. I think he thought that was the right response, and that by having no problem cutting back his drinking, he was proving to himself and me that he was in control, and not an addiction. But instead, I heard his addiction talking. I think it has its own voice. Does anyone else hear a different voice when it's the addiction talking?

Free108

I didn't notice a different voice, but definitely different body language - kind of sheepish. As far as things moving forward in either direction, my experience was that as soon as I started becoming less accepting of the situation, he just left! Can't say I was quite ready for that, because I felt that I had lost all control and I was heartbroken too. But I understand now that it was inevitable because my AB didn't admit to having a problem at all. At least your husband seems to know that this is an issue, so maybe you could put a time limit on the situation.
But in the end, you're just going to have to do what YOU want and maybe not base your response on his actions. Who knows how long it might take him to move in any direction. It sounds to me like you're quite unhappy being around him.
In a way, I wish that I had been more proactive and had made a healthy decision for myself instead of waiting for everything to blow up. But you can only do what you can do at the time, right?! I'm learning how to be a little easier on myself in therapy. lol.

Learn2Live

Quote:

I think it has its own voice. Does anyone else hear a different voice when it's the addiction talking?

Yes. Absolutely. Different voices, different mannerisms, different identities. Varies depending who they are with &/or talking to.

Great post, thanks.

p.s. I'm struggling with eating disorder too so thank you for sharing that.

Pelican

Welcome to the family!

Thank you for sharing your personal story with us. I can certainly relate to many of your feelings. I would like to comment on two things from your posts:

1 - the waiting for resolution in the relationship. Living with active alcoholism and being co-dependent, for me, has meant living in anticipation of the next episode and trying to minimize reactions. When there is any friction or stress in the relationship, it is up to me to find an immediate solution. This solution must come from me to prevent further damage to our(us) relationship. I have created a relationship of one sided first aide. "Here I come to save the day!"

Learning to step back and respond to the episode/situation/conflict instead of react has been difficult but worth the effort. I was conditioned to knee jerk reactions everytime the alcoholic pushed my buttons. My reacting was giving him another reason to drink or another reason to be distant. By practicing patience and detachment, I am learning to respond to life instead of react. This is helpful in my personal and professional relationships. This is the path to serenity.

A mentor in one of my groups taught me to ask myself this question in the face of conflict: "Do I have to solve this by 3:00 p.m. today?" No? Then give yourself time and space to consider your options. Usually, an option I had not considered while in "fix it" mode is revealed.

Around SR, I have learned: "Practice patience, more will be revealed."

2- Hugs at meetings. I have attended 3 different Alanon groups this year. Each is different and unique. One of my groups practices hugs after each meeting. It is a small group, mostly retired individuals. They warned me after my first meeting that there would be hugging after the meeting. I didn't think much of it and was okay with the concept, and I appreciated the warning. Turns out to be one of my favorite things about that group. :ghug3
Sober hugs! I told them as long as I kept getting sober hugs, I'd keep coming back!

Hugs without strings attached. Thank you for sharing!