Just wondering.....
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
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Just wondering.....
Last week I posted about finally figuring out how to let anger and fear go. It was in the moment and I figured a way out of the feelings that I was because of the situation that happened at that moment.
Now I am on to a bigger task. I am trying to let go of the past anger and hurt that every now and again surfaces. Its like there are times that someone will say something or I will see something and it triggers me. I get either angry or sad and kind of depressed but mostly I think its anger. I am trying not to process these feelings and really let them go.
I dont want to hold on to this anger anymore and I think that I am ready to let it go. I see how today it still affects me deeply.
So my question is how do you release anger from the past?
I know that it will take time to heal and it will take time for me to no longer feel those feelings. But I just for today would like to let this go. It no longer has a purpose for me and is ill affecting today.
Anyone have any ideas?
I have a lot of anger towards my RABF concerning his drug abuse. I am angry for the things that were done and said by him and by myself. I have forgiven myself in some ways and in others I still find myself beating myself up over it. I do notice that there are times that this anger turns towards major emotional upheavel with the bf.
For instances, he was considering going to hang out with a old friend who today is still abusing drugs. Now I kept my mouth shut and just wanted to see where this would go. So my RABF called this friend and talked awhile on the phone. A little while later he said he didnt think he would be hanging out with this friend. And I asked what led him to that conclusion. He replied by saying that he heard it in his friends voice that he was high and it really kinda freaked him out. So we went on to talk about this and I got emotional he got emotional and (I could feel myself filled with fear at that moment. It was like reliving the whole addiction ride all over again) and then he immediately wanted to stop talking about it. He said he was feeling triggered and wanted to talk about something else. I agreed and we quickly changed the subject.
So I tell you all this because that fear that I felt scared me. I couldnt believe how awful those feelings felt all over again. When do you get to a point where that is no longer the case?
I know somethings will take time I understand that but what can I do today that will led me in that direction?
Now I am on to a bigger task. I am trying to let go of the past anger and hurt that every now and again surfaces. Its like there are times that someone will say something or I will see something and it triggers me. I get either angry or sad and kind of depressed but mostly I think its anger. I am trying not to process these feelings and really let them go.
I dont want to hold on to this anger anymore and I think that I am ready to let it go. I see how today it still affects me deeply.
So my question is how do you release anger from the past?
I know that it will take time to heal and it will take time for me to no longer feel those feelings. But I just for today would like to let this go. It no longer has a purpose for me and is ill affecting today.
Anyone have any ideas?
I have a lot of anger towards my RABF concerning his drug abuse. I am angry for the things that were done and said by him and by myself. I have forgiven myself in some ways and in others I still find myself beating myself up over it. I do notice that there are times that this anger turns towards major emotional upheavel with the bf.
For instances, he was considering going to hang out with a old friend who today is still abusing drugs. Now I kept my mouth shut and just wanted to see where this would go. So my RABF called this friend and talked awhile on the phone. A little while later he said he didnt think he would be hanging out with this friend. And I asked what led him to that conclusion. He replied by saying that he heard it in his friends voice that he was high and it really kinda freaked him out. So we went on to talk about this and I got emotional he got emotional and (I could feel myself filled with fear at that moment. It was like reliving the whole addiction ride all over again) and then he immediately wanted to stop talking about it. He said he was feeling triggered and wanted to talk about something else. I agreed and we quickly changed the subject.
So I tell you all this because that fear that I felt scared me. I couldnt believe how awful those feelings felt all over again. When do you get to a point where that is no longer the case?
I know somethings will take time I understand that but what can I do today that will led me in that direction?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
You are doing it. IMO, when you keep your boundaries, you talk about what is bothering you, you recognize the feelings and what is happening and don't deny them, when you seek help it's all part of moving in the right direction and these are all part of your recovery. He's gonna do what is right or what he can handle for him. That doesn't mean you have to stop when he does. You have to define where you want to take this and what you want to do to get better.
That being said, I've learned there is no magic formula. It's different for each of us and yet the same in many ways. Patience is the hardest part for me. It takes time. I want it NOW.... but guess I am not ready for it to be all better now. Learning to accept, tiny pieces and wait for the rest to come is the key... I think.
Keep moving forward and remember it's ok to feel stuck sometimes, just don't stay there too long. : )
That being said, I've learned there is no magic formula. It's different for each of us and yet the same in many ways. Patience is the hardest part for me. It takes time. I want it NOW.... but guess I am not ready for it to be all better now. Learning to accept, tiny pieces and wait for the rest to come is the key... I think.
Keep moving forward and remember it's ok to feel stuck sometimes, just don't stay there too long. : )
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
It has been my experience that we don't just let it go. These emotional traumas must be processed before we can release them, to discover their meanings. I find myself still triggered by things that have happened years and years ago, even into my childhood. It's not good, it's not bad; it just is. But, I don't have to dwell on it, either. I don't have to feed those negative emotions. And I can choose today when I will process the emotions that come with the triggers. All I have to do at the moment is to recognize them. The recognition gives me the power, the control, over my emotional response.
I hope this makes sense. I hope it helps, somewhat.
It will get better.
Shalom!
I hope this makes sense. I hope it helps, somewhat.
It will get better.
Shalom!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Sunshine State
Posts: 410
I have to agree with everything that has been posted so far. I'm just adding some little coping mechanisms I've learned.
When venting to whom ever about the situation, or just wallowing in general about what's making me blue, I have found it best to put a time limit on it. I allow myself a reasonable but limited time to discuss or cry (or whatever) about it, then it's time to move on and be productive.
Writing in a journal exactly how I'm feeling, weather it's a memory that has bothered me, or an argument, conversation, etc. I have found that just writing things out, all my feelings, even ugly and embarrassing ones helps. Then I think eventually destroying those journals will also be helpful.
A lady from al-Anon recommends actual physical release. She was into actually tearing up the paper she wrote all of her stuff out on. Somebody else burned their journal or letters on their BBQ. Gardening or exercise help too, depending on what you like.
I have found this to be very helpful: Whenever someone in my home stresses me out, I run (or walk
) up and down our flight of stairs a couple of times (our house is at the top of 17 steps). I try to do that before I react or discuss anything. You can't imagine how it helps sometimes. There is something about taking the negative feelings and the energy they create and giving them a physical way to be released that is helpful that works for me.
When venting to whom ever about the situation, or just wallowing in general about what's making me blue, I have found it best to put a time limit on it. I allow myself a reasonable but limited time to discuss or cry (or whatever) about it, then it's time to move on and be productive.
Writing in a journal exactly how I'm feeling, weather it's a memory that has bothered me, or an argument, conversation, etc. I have found that just writing things out, all my feelings, even ugly and embarrassing ones helps. Then I think eventually destroying those journals will also be helpful.
A lady from al-Anon recommends actual physical release. She was into actually tearing up the paper she wrote all of her stuff out on. Somebody else burned their journal or letters on their BBQ. Gardening or exercise help too, depending on what you like.
I have found this to be very helpful: Whenever someone in my home stresses me out, I run (or walk
) up and down our flight of stairs a couple of times (our house is at the top of 17 steps). I try to do that before I react or discuss anything. You can't imagine how it helps sometimes. There is something about taking the negative feelings and the energy they create and giving them a physical way to be released that is helpful that works for me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
Thanks anvil....I dont feel so alone in all of this. When I read your first post something intriguing came to my mind. I have to accept that I have NO control over another.
I have been thinking back to how I functioned in my relationships and I realized something. Whenever people didnt do what I thought they should do or what I wanted them to do I would get ANGRY. In this reflection this is how I drove people away or how I suffered unneccessarily. I put myself through those emotions because I was mad.
The beauty of being in a relationship with another person is that you are "free" to be who you are. Whether that be good or bad is my eyes really has nothing to do with anything.
When my RABF first started to get out of control with his pills I remember taking the approach that he was in pain and I would make excuses for him. Then finally I started getting angry that he wasnt present with us. That he couldnt even see how bad these pills really were and how we were suffering to. I used that anger to try and control him. And I would it subtly. For instances, he would want to go hang out with a buddy and I thought in my perfect mind that it was a bad idea but I would smile and say "oh no go out have a good time" and then he would come home and I would treat him poorly.
These patterns have been resurfacing and I guess I really just wanted to be able to STOP going back to my old pattern of thinking and doing. Whatever he wants to do is his choice. Not mine. What right do I have to be angry with an individual for being themselves or doing what they want to do?
This has been something that I really tried to blame on his drug abuse but I am finding more and more that it really was ME doing those things. Not because of drugs but because I was trying to control another person.
So right now in this moment I am angry with him for not doing what I want him to do. Angry that he isnt here helping me with these kids. Angry that he is out doing his thing but ya know what at the end of the day what does it matter? Well he eventually make his way over here? Yes. And how will I treat him when he does make it here? Grateful to see him because its another day he beat the demon. Grateful that we are slowly rebuilding our family and our lives post addiction but also learning about ourselves along the way and becoming better individuals.
So with all of your help I guess I have answered my own questions. I have no business trying to control another NO matter what. People are free to do whatever they want to do. Even if its not what I want them to do.
I have been thinking back to how I functioned in my relationships and I realized something. Whenever people didnt do what I thought they should do or what I wanted them to do I would get ANGRY. In this reflection this is how I drove people away or how I suffered unneccessarily. I put myself through those emotions because I was mad.
The beauty of being in a relationship with another person is that you are "free" to be who you are. Whether that be good or bad is my eyes really has nothing to do with anything.
When my RABF first started to get out of control with his pills I remember taking the approach that he was in pain and I would make excuses for him. Then finally I started getting angry that he wasnt present with us. That he couldnt even see how bad these pills really were and how we were suffering to. I used that anger to try and control him. And I would it subtly. For instances, he would want to go hang out with a buddy and I thought in my perfect mind that it was a bad idea but I would smile and say "oh no go out have a good time" and then he would come home and I would treat him poorly.
These patterns have been resurfacing and I guess I really just wanted to be able to STOP going back to my old pattern of thinking and doing. Whatever he wants to do is his choice. Not mine. What right do I have to be angry with an individual for being themselves or doing what they want to do?
This has been something that I really tried to blame on his drug abuse but I am finding more and more that it really was ME doing those things. Not because of drugs but because I was trying to control another person.
So right now in this moment I am angry with him for not doing what I want him to do. Angry that he isnt here helping me with these kids. Angry that he is out doing his thing but ya know what at the end of the day what does it matter? Well he eventually make his way over here? Yes. And how will I treat him when he does make it here? Grateful to see him because its another day he beat the demon. Grateful that we are slowly rebuilding our family and our lives post addiction but also learning about ourselves along the way and becoming better individuals.
So with all of your help I guess I have answered my own questions. I have no business trying to control another NO matter what. People are free to do whatever they want to do. Even if its not what I want them to do.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
I don't have as much trouble with anger, but plenty of trouble with fear and sadness. My issues are also rooted in the need to control. Anvil's advice from the Big Book is excellent. It brought tears to my eyes, because it fits my situation so well.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Originally Posted by cassandra2 
I am trying to let go of the past anger and hurt that every now and again surfaces. . I am trying not to process these feelings and really let them go.
For instances, he was considering going to hang out with a old friend who today is still abusing drugs. Now I kept my mouth shut and just wanted to see where this would go.
For instances, he was considering going to hang out with a old friend who today is still abusing drugs. Now I kept my mouth shut and just wanted to see where this would go.
Anotherwords, his addiction, and now his attempt to remain 'clean and sober' are still running your life. I know you say "no, it's different, he's ok,we are ok.... all relationships are work...."
Yet, some people, (many in fact) don't have to sit on SR and talk about OUR risidual feelings surronding THEIR addiction. Many many people have 'realatively' normal relationships..... where they don't have to worry about relapses/or abuse of drugs... they don't have to worry about how THEIR family and THEIR kids are affected by a loved ones DRUG ABUSE// and the subsuqent affects... ie, money, change of behavior/emotions..... etc.
I tell ya Cass, maybe some people are 'good' at staying, accepting, etc. a drug addict, or sticking by a recovered drug addicts 'new life'..... some of us just aren't.
I think I 've fallen into the NOT category. I say this to you, because even after 'recovery' you have to feel all this CRAP. Bottom line, I'm not interested in any of it... (FOR MYSELF)....
Honey, you know I have a 'special' attachment to you.... I just hate, and I mean LOATHE the fact that your life is still consumed with his junk, and the way it impacts YOU!
(please try not to justify or rationalize it) I know sweetie, I hear it in every fiber of your voice... even across this computer screen.
I pray everyday, for a life away from all of this... and I'm working on that for ME!!
This is a road that I didn't sign up for.... and I don't want to deal with it anymore, with my abf ,,,,, clean and sober (meaning recoverd) or NOT.
No more worrying/anger/fear/ silencing/ side-stepping/patience.........blabla bla. No relationship should be this much work.
Love,
Me.
I care so much about you cass......... I'm sad that you still have to struggle, even though he is clean....for now.
hugs....
xo
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
Oh Cess I gotta love ya!
My perspective is so very different. I am in a healing phase right now. And I am so grateful that I am where I am. You may think that I am crazy but its the absolute truth.
You see because of his addiction my codie tendencies have been brought to the surface and have been exposed.
I come from a single mother that was a raging alcoholic almost all of my life. I married a violent and abusive man and endured unheard of abuse for almost 10 years. Why? Because I am codependent. I have a problem. I am learning about these problems now. I am learning about my part in every situation in my life. Because the codependent tendencies can be found in every aspect of my life. I want to change that.
You see when I left my mothers home in my mind it was over. I no longer had to deal with her drunken rages. I was wrong. Because of that life I left that home and moved into a home with a man who thought it was ok to hit me and knock me around. I thought it was ok too. I was wrong. When I left that marriage I thought it was over I was no longer abused. I was wrong. Those patterns continued to follow me.
Had it NOT been for the rollercoaster ride of addiction I would have never realized this. I would have continued to repeat the same pattern over and over.
So while the ride was a nightmare it truly was a blessing in disquise. It has brought things to the surface that now I have the tools to deal with it once and for all. I have the ability to fix the things that I know are wrong. I am learning to be comfortable in my own shoes.
One of the biggest problems codies have is expressing their true emotions. Today I am learning how to explore, expose, and deal with these emotions instead of stuffing them only to have them surface again in other areas of my life.
As for relapse and the fear of it. Yes, I will admit that that part does suck, but I am finding ways to deal with that too. I am learning about control and how to really apply it to my situation. I dont live daily in fear of him relapsing. I live situationally in fear of relapse. Meaning a situation comes up and I fear he will go back.
The pain and emotional turmoil is still present today but I know that all wounds do heal and instead of dwelling on what he did or what I did I am all about accepting that what is done is done. No good can come of nursing the pain with "well you did this" blah blah.
The beautiful thing about this is that HIS addiction IS NOT running or consuming my life anymore. I know that I have no control either way. I cannot keep him from drugs. Thats his job. My job is to learn how not to control him or any situation in my life. That is what is consuming my life. ME. How to be a better me.
I posted a post last week about being present in the moment. About NOT obsessing about things I dont have control over and just trusting the process. These are the things that I am working on.
I NEED to do this for myself because if I dont I will end up suffering because of, noone else.
I would say that the hardest thing about our relationship today, the hard work, that we are doing today is realizing what part of our relationship was unhealthy and what is healthy. Learning how to live our own lives regardless of what the other is doing. And finding that happy medium in between. We spent along time in an unhealthy relationship and its gonna take along time to get to that place but I believe its possible. Hell he found the strength to get off of the pills. And at one point I thought he was never gonna be able to do that.
I guess the bottom line is that so many of us codies spend a long time in the "if he/she would just stop using all of our problems would be gone" illusion that its really hard to take ownership for their part of the problem.
I have the beauty of retrospect and I can see how I tried to control him and his addiction. I see it very clearly because I am not as sick as I was. I am still learning and growing each day.
Is our relationship where I want it to be? No. Not yet. But with the continued effort it will be. Effort that we want to continue to do because we choose to be with each other and in order for that to happen we BOTH need to be healthy and do so in our own ways.
I dont offer him unsolicited advice anymore. He is gonna do what he is gonna do. Just like I am gonna do what I am gonna do. Except this time around we have our eyes wide open. We are going slow and taking it one day at a time.
Oh and one more thing its not work when you are enjoying the process. And while there are some parts that are painful that is just apart of life. There is the good and the bad.
The fun part about it is that after all this time I am finding that I really like who I am. I really enjoying learning about myself and why I do certain things and how to change them when I know its unhealthy.
Its funny because when you start to get healthy all of the unhealthy people in your life think your crazy. My girlfriend, whom has a drinking problem and an unhealthy relationship, told me today that she thought I should leave my RABF because he doesnt want to live together now.
I was shocked that she said that. I told her that it was a decision made because we feel that his sobriety is still very early and because there are children involved the best thing to do was to wait. Both of our recoveries are our priorities right now not our living arrangements.
My perspective is so very different. I am in a healing phase right now. And I am so grateful that I am where I am. You may think that I am crazy but its the absolute truth.
You see because of his addiction my codie tendencies have been brought to the surface and have been exposed.
I come from a single mother that was a raging alcoholic almost all of my life. I married a violent and abusive man and endured unheard of abuse for almost 10 years. Why? Because I am codependent. I have a problem. I am learning about these problems now. I am learning about my part in every situation in my life. Because the codependent tendencies can be found in every aspect of my life. I want to change that.
You see when I left my mothers home in my mind it was over. I no longer had to deal with her drunken rages. I was wrong. Because of that life I left that home and moved into a home with a man who thought it was ok to hit me and knock me around. I thought it was ok too. I was wrong. When I left that marriage I thought it was over I was no longer abused. I was wrong. Those patterns continued to follow me.
Had it NOT been for the rollercoaster ride of addiction I would have never realized this. I would have continued to repeat the same pattern over and over.
So while the ride was a nightmare it truly was a blessing in disquise. It has brought things to the surface that now I have the tools to deal with it once and for all. I have the ability to fix the things that I know are wrong. I am learning to be comfortable in my own shoes.
One of the biggest problems codies have is expressing their true emotions. Today I am learning how to explore, expose, and deal with these emotions instead of stuffing them only to have them surface again in other areas of my life.
As for relapse and the fear of it. Yes, I will admit that that part does suck, but I am finding ways to deal with that too. I am learning about control and how to really apply it to my situation. I dont live daily in fear of him relapsing. I live situationally in fear of relapse. Meaning a situation comes up and I fear he will go back.
The pain and emotional turmoil is still present today but I know that all wounds do heal and instead of dwelling on what he did or what I did I am all about accepting that what is done is done. No good can come of nursing the pain with "well you did this" blah blah.
The beautiful thing about this is that HIS addiction IS NOT running or consuming my life anymore. I know that I have no control either way. I cannot keep him from drugs. Thats his job. My job is to learn how not to control him or any situation in my life. That is what is consuming my life. ME. How to be a better me.
I posted a post last week about being present in the moment. About NOT obsessing about things I dont have control over and just trusting the process. These are the things that I am working on.
I NEED to do this for myself because if I dont I will end up suffering because of, noone else.
I would say that the hardest thing about our relationship today, the hard work, that we are doing today is realizing what part of our relationship was unhealthy and what is healthy. Learning how to live our own lives regardless of what the other is doing. And finding that happy medium in between. We spent along time in an unhealthy relationship and its gonna take along time to get to that place but I believe its possible. Hell he found the strength to get off of the pills. And at one point I thought he was never gonna be able to do that.
I guess the bottom line is that so many of us codies spend a long time in the "if he/she would just stop using all of our problems would be gone" illusion that its really hard to take ownership for their part of the problem.
I have the beauty of retrospect and I can see how I tried to control him and his addiction. I see it very clearly because I am not as sick as I was. I am still learning and growing each day.
Is our relationship where I want it to be? No. Not yet. But with the continued effort it will be. Effort that we want to continue to do because we choose to be with each other and in order for that to happen we BOTH need to be healthy and do so in our own ways.
I dont offer him unsolicited advice anymore. He is gonna do what he is gonna do. Just like I am gonna do what I am gonna do. Except this time around we have our eyes wide open. We are going slow and taking it one day at a time.
Oh and one more thing its not work when you are enjoying the process. And while there are some parts that are painful that is just apart of life. There is the good and the bad.
The fun part about it is that after all this time I am finding that I really like who I am. I really enjoying learning about myself and why I do certain things and how to change them when I know its unhealthy.
Its funny because when you start to get healthy all of the unhealthy people in your life think your crazy. My girlfriend, whom has a drinking problem and an unhealthy relationship, told me today that she thought I should leave my RABF because he doesnt want to live together now.
I was shocked that she said that. I told her that it was a decision made because we feel that his sobriety is still very early and because there are children involved the best thing to do was to wait. Both of our recoveries are our priorities right now not our living arrangements.
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