24Years

I’ve been married 24 years and my husband *finally* admitted to me that he is an alcohol abuser. He used to get offended at the suggestion of being an alcoholic so, together, we have arrived at *abuser* as an agreeable term although, today, he might be more accepting of the term alcoholic.

To me, he doesn't seem very typical if there is such a thing. He seems *controlled* in a number of ways (e.g., doesn’t drink at all when he is *on-call*, drinks past 5-6 pm on weekdays (although he’s home by 3 pm), has days he doesn't drink at all because of being *on-call* and because of driving our 2 children here and there at least one night a week). On average, he probably does drink 4-5 evenings some weeks and 3-4 evenings on the heavier call weeks (for a duration of about 2 to 3 hours prior to going to sleep).

I have been on a six year roller-coaster (reading, attending al-anon (in the beginning), seeing various counselors) while working on my college so that I could make enough income to support myself. Unfortunately, I still have about 2 years to go before I will be completely done (am finally going full-time instead of part-time). Six years ago, after his father died, he was much worse than he appears to be today. I’ve told him all along that I will support him if he is willing to stop *abusing* alcohol; and he is aware that I am preparing for a future without him if he doesn’t choose to recover completely.

Do you think it is possible that he can recover on his own through reading and being accountable to me? The being accountable to me is his (recent) idea. He would probably use on-line resources as well. He works in the medical profession and is not willing to have them know of his recovery since not one of them knows of his alcoholism and because we live (and he works) in a small town.

From the best I can know, even on weekends, he doesn’t drink before 4 – 6 pm; and has never drank in the am or early afternoon. I have never seen him black out or throw up, and he has never been late for work (gets up at 4:00 am every weekday). He has never had slurred speech or odd behavior prior to leaving for work, he rarely calls in sick for work (two to three times a year, and not because of a hangover), has never driven after drinking (never had a DUI or speeding ticket for that matter), doesn’t hang out in bars, doesn’t cheat, but when he drinks in those 2 to 3 hours, he often ends up with some slurred-speech and then falls asleep. I have not tried to study how much he drinks (drinks vodka, wouldn’t be surprised if it’s mostly straight) and he does hide it. In final, on weekends he has around 2 to 4 days (per month) where he drinks for 5 to 6 hours later in the day and is mostly controlled most of those times and usually has some slurred-speech here and there about an hour prior to going to bed.

So, in the past six years, my husband has either learned how to be the best looking controlled alcoholic in the world (possibly), or has moderated way better than he had been after his father died. Now he says he's ready to attempt to overcome this 100 percent but wants to do it his way. He seems sincere but this is new territory for me (that we work together like a partnership).

I’m looking for feedback. I’m ignorant as to the chance of success but would like to know what you think.
Thank you, in advance :praying

intheknow

Every situation and every person is different. I do think that without a specific program being worked, the chances aren't as good.

My AH tried to quit drinking many, many times in the last 10 years. We have been married 20, but it is just in the last 10 years that he realized he had a problem serious enough he needed help. And he, like your husband, wanted to do it his way.

He would quit, and go to counseling for a few sessions. And then he would convince himself that he could still drink, if he changed the drink of choice...no whiskey, but beer. Well maybe vodka, but crown was out for sure. No beer, but since he likes the taste of beer so much he would just have NA beer - and alot of it. Well, NA beer wasn't quite cutting it, so he would just buy a quart bottle of beer and that was the limit. And pretty soon he realized it was not working at all, so he started hiding it all over again.

Did I mention that he has started counseling for alcohol abuse 6 times in 10 years, and at this moment he is currently in rehab?

I applaud your husband for admitting that he has a problem and needs help. The part that I question is that he is hiding his drinking now, but wants to become accountable to you as you help him work thru this program.

Whatever happens, good luck to both of you. Only you know what is right and what will work. I am praying for you.

isurvived

He certainly IS a highly functioning alcoholic — but he has a lot on the line if he messes up... his career, the small town you live in, etc.

Trying to keep it secret takes lots of energy. Trying to find recovery while keeping it secret sounds like a good way to keep drinking.

You keep working on you. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

kv816

IMO I think there are "responsible" alcoholics. It sounds to me like yours is one of them. Just because, to the best of your knowledge, he doesn't drink when he drives the children somewhere doesn't NOT make him an alcoholic. My A dad never drove with us in the car, made it to work on time. My xAbf on the other hand just served time for his at least 4th DUI but he's capable of cooking, laundry, programming a vcr/dvd/stereo. It just makes them functioning alcoholics.

His recovery is unfortunately not one of those things you can work together like a partnership. You can be there should he need you but ultimately he needs to do it on his own. Are you sure he wants this or is he saying he does to get you "off his back"? I wish I had a quarter for each time I heard "I want to overcome this"; I wouldn't be living a trailer park with a 6 inch front yard!!!!

Hang in there. Only he knows what's going on inside his head. But I do agree with Mellane, a program of some kind is necessary...be it AA or counseling or whatever. I've heard stories of people quitting successfully without the use of any outside program. But the odds are against the people who choose that route.

Hugs to you in your struggles and keep coming back!

Still Waters

The whole "overcome it" thing is simple, just quit drinking right? If he can't/won't do that, there isn't a thing you can do about it, it's his fight and not one you can win for him.

All you can do is decide what you're willing to settle for.

Pelican

Welcome to the Sober Recovery family!


You will find lots of information and support here.

You asked:

Do you think it is possible that he can recover on his own through reading and being accountable to me? The being accountable to me is his (recent) idea. He would probably use on-line resources as well.

Yes, I think it is possible to recover from alcoholism on his own. I did. There are many members of SR that have recovered from alcoholism without attending group meetings.

IMHO, Successful recovery depends on the individual not the program.

puckettcg

I think that is true. My AH was that for almost 20 years. He worked full-time, was never late for work and rarely even missed work. Most of the time he arrived 30 minutes early. No DUI's or any incidents - not even a speeding ticket, much less any kind of alcoholic-related event. Then about a year and a half ago he quit his job to be a full-time Dad. About that same time, he decided to quit drinking and its been a struggle ever since. His drinking was causing emotional damage to my oldest daughter, who was starting to have her own issues with alcohol, unfortunately of the legal variety. He said he was quitting for her because he didn't want her to turn into him - but he never really quit. And, I'm sorry to say that without the job, he's also no longer a responsible, or functioning, alcoholic.

In retrospect, him quitting the job was the worst decision we ever made, and it was a joint decision. He's now neither functioning or responsible.

hps

I was somewhat like your husband, and I ended up getting sober through AA. I often think about why it worked for me, even though I don't think it is an intellectual program, rather it is an action program.

I think there are a lot of benefits in being accountable to a group of recovering alcoholics. The normal experience in the group is having had lots of drinks in the past, but remaining sober in the present. Slips and the like therefore stick out as not normal and not acceptable.

By contrast, when I was actively drinking, I could have slips & talk about them to my wife or a counselor, but this didn't seem to do much to stop my drinking. I also would attempt to "get away" with drinking- drink but not admit it, assuming my wife wouldn't want to have a huge fight over it. In my case, there was a lot more drinking going on than I admitted to, or than my wife was aware of, although it was "controlled" in certain ways (e.g. I was an evening drinker).

So my view would be, he should get the peer group, his excuses for not going are not great. I was terrified about being exposed when I first went to AA meetings but over time such fears dissipate.

I also think if he's aware he has a problem, his best chances of sorting it out are through AA. So he should be exploring the known solution before going his own way. If he were diabetic, how much sympathy would he attract for "going his own way" for treatment, rather than going with insulin & changes to diet?

Cowgirl1265

I don't know about the ability of alcoholics to get sober on their own, each recovery story is different. I just see being accountable to you as a disaster in the making. You are not the cause of his alcoholism, you can't control it and you can't cure it. Him setting you up as the parent he has to report to creates a very unhealthy dynamic.

Ultimately, you are responsible for yourself and your children. You can do what is right for you, regardless of whether he chooses to get sober or not. If his drinking is something that you cannot live with, then you are right to enforce that boundary. What is right for you?

trapeze

IMHO there's no one answer in how to stop and stay stopped. My husband and I quit at approximately the same time six years ago. He went to AA and saw a therapist, and I didn't. I stayed stopped and he didn't. However, this has nothing to do with whether AA works or whether therapy works. I was ready to quit drinking and he was not ready to quit. I had already dealt with family of origin issues and he had not. Most importantly, we are different people who respond to things differently.

He's in rehab for 6 weeks. He's continuing with AA, but working harder on being honest with himself and others.

Good luck.

catlovermi

I'd back up from this question to a more executive-level question:

Is it fair of him to put the burden of his accountability onto you when there are complete recovery programs out there with those experienced in their own recoveries to help him?

The best and most qualified person to help a substance addicted person to recover from this is a successfully recovering peer - another substance addicted person who has succeeded in their recovery to date.

The first sign of a possibly successful recovery from substance addiction is a change of attitude where the addict becomes willing to give up their own ideas and becomes willing to do whatever it takes that is suggested from successful recovering folks. Holding on to you as his "accountability" is not doing this, and it's putting an unfair burden on you. This version suggested by him is "I want to do it my way, and if I fail I have set you up to blame. I don't have to truly be accountable when I am making you responsible for me."

Your only job is to step away, and let him own his actions.

CLMI

24Years

Wow, all of your responses are very helpful while giving me things to think about. Sharing your experiences means a lot to me. Thank you to all. I'm a full time student right now so I haven't been visiting here too often, but I will try to be in touch here and there. I just mayprint these as a discussion tool. It makes sense to me that he shouldn't put his accountability on me although I hadn't thought of it that way before reading this. I hold my accountability to God (and had thought to suggest that to him) but he hasn't been one to attend church or anything like that for a long time. You may find it funny that he doesn't want me to eat chips or fast food and that was to be part of our partnership while both of us give something up. We both dieted this summer and he lost 35 pounds; I lost 20. We both were helpful to each other and I think he meant it in that light. I still appreciate, though, that it could be a disaster for me as I do my best to remain detached from things I cannot control. Thanks again

smacked

I was the drunk in my marriage.. I played the game of asking my husband to hold me accountable, that was a joke, IMO. I just hid it better. You already said he hides his drinking anyways. You are not qualified to be his recovery program, this has nothing to do with you... and this is not akin to a diet, the destruction that his drinking can/will bring to your marriage and family life, his career etc, has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not you eat a bag of potato chips, honestly that's just ridiculous.

As long as he sees it as "giving something up", I would be worried. Once I was done, and finally ready to commit to sobriety.. it was what I was GAINING that was so exciting to me. My drinking/alcoholism had absolutely nothing to do with my spouse, nor does my recovery. I committed to sobriety, and became open to ANYTHING that would help me... I had no right to assume I knew what to do, clearly I sucked at that for many years. Finally, once I got the help I needed and committed to lifelong LIFE CHANGE did I blossom into the person I am now. The awesome changes to my marriage and family life are just a happy side effect

Just my perspective from the 'other' side

Gypsy Feet

I made the decision to get sober, and did. I read books and got lots of inspiration here. If I worked a program, it was of my own design. Unlike smacked, I did feel as if I was giving up something at first. I went through a heavy mourning period for about 2 or 3 months after I quit. I didn't think it was fair I couldn't drink like a normal person. I felt sad that I had to give up all of my friends, and things like camping and football, which I couldn't picture doing sober.

All of that has changed, I am happy, 9 months sober, and have a much different outlook on life. I think for some of us, we can do it on our own when we are ready, just be prepared that he may not succeed, as so many people do not.

Still Waters

You and me both Smacked

MeHandle

When my Ah wanted to account to me I realized that was his fantasy world. When i consider it for a minute, I realized it was crazy, or it would make for crazy. I also realized that it was his pattern to say isolated and 'no risk' for him in having to open up to someone else.

honoryourself

This thread really helped me, thanks everyone for sharing their thoughts on this topic. While my AH didn't specifically say he wanted me to hold him accountable, his words were more like, "I need your support." He said this when he pledged to "cut back" to a maximum of 2 drinks a night. I told him I could support his efforts but that he really needed the help of someone more qualified who could understand what he was going through. He did the same thing-- assured me he could do it on his own "for now" and that he didn't like the idea of opening up to a group of 'strangers.'

I don't think he will succeed because there is no one for him to be accountable to other than himself (and he hasn't done a good job for the past 10 years..!) and me (who he uses as a target for blame when he fails).
Within 2 weeks he found a way to call me unsupportive and to blame me for the arguments and for making this difficult.

He made a rule at one point while he was actually trying to be serious about cutting down his drinking, that he would NEVER drink while angry or sad. Well the first time he thought I was nagging him about his having a beer each night, he caused an argument, then went straight for the fridge. I think I made a "HUH" noise or something, as I laughed at how quickly his promises faded away. He recognized what he was doing, instead made a cup of tea, but unleashed his anger on me. He recalled a time when I had a beer when I was angry. But I didn't make that rule for myself, you made it for yourself, I said. Even angrier! He couldn't find a way to blame me for this one but he sure as heck tried.

My AH is on the - no liquor, just beer or wine -- kick. It used to be he'd kill a 30 pack of the crummy light beer, another 12 later in the week, and a bottle of scotch/gin/vodka/whatever in a week. Now it's a bottle or two of wine and /or a couple six's of a nice beer. Granted he picks the IPAs with the highest alcohol percentage. He tells me he really likes the way they taste the best. It's sad the way he thinks I can't see through these things. He doesn't care what beer it is, he drank tasteless light beer when he could have more of it, and now he's drinking the strongest beer he can find because he's limiting himself to less.

But yeah, I think he has very little chance of success unless he truly and honestly looks at himself (my AH, anyone else's beloved A, whomever), because how can you really treat yourself if you don't know the extent of your flaws. I admit I self diagnose online all the time, but it's to get information. I don't use it as a replacement for doctors or prescriptions, but a supplement.

Admitting to OTHERS that you have a problem is the big step, I think. You can "admit" it to your family or the person closest to you all you want, but if you're in a pattern of manipulating them, then that's very easily all it is. When you admit your problem to people who CAN'T cause you pain or take away something you love, then it becomes more honest. My AH always asks me to keep things a secret. I've learned that telling friends and family what I"m going through with him has been the best thing for me (finally) and the worst thing for him, because once it's out in the open, he has to deal with it. Good. We all have to deal with things.... right?

trapeze

Here's my feedback.

Sounds like he is bargaining with himself. My guess is that he knows on some level that alcohol is bad for him, but he just isn't ready to give it up. I did all that before I accepted the fact that it was time to put it all behind me.

NewMe11109

24 Years -- Thanks for the post. We all have our own experiences, but here are some that I have learned from mine.

1. Alcoholics have to want to quit drinking themselves. They have to want to do it for themselves and not because someone else is holding them accountable.

2. But, you don't have to put up with crap, either. You should set very hard and specific limits for him about what you are and aren't going to put up with as well as the consequences. I know, easier said than done, but good for you for creating a way to be self-sufficient without him (e.g. your educational work).

3. Alcohol is the solution to a deeper problem. So, just because someone stops drinking, it doesn't mean that they have fixed "the problem". So, whether a structured program or something else is done, the focus needs to be on (1) not drinking and then (2) developing the life coping skills to deal with the root cause issues. We all have found different things that work for us, but AA helped me.

4. I suspect you are only seeing the tip of the iceberg. We alcoholics are very good at showing you only what we want to (especially when we are the "high functioning" type).

5. We are often "too smart for our own good". I don't believe that you can do this alone and just with self-will. So, appeal to his intellect, say "Ok, so you want to do this with your own self-will, fine then. Use your self-will to abstain from alcohol for 90 days. If you can do this, great. If not, then what went wrong? Should you perhaps try a different approach?"

Good luck.

Jadmack25

My ABF is sober and using a drug and alcohol counsellor, plus using AA books, but no way will he go to AA again. This time (11 months) is a change from past Non Drinking periods, in that he has NO dry drunk behavior, is calmer, happier, and Oh so much nicer to be with.

Past times, and there have been hundreds over 20 years, he has ceased drinking, but he was just as volatile, moody, and nit picky as when on it. I walked on eggshells every damn time, and waited for the explosion to come, justifying his drinking again.

I did not give him any ultimatum this time, or mention his health or other hassles. I just
told him that MY being involved with alcohol only brought me pain and suffering, and I had finished with that. I do not need or want the abuse, lies and infidelity and drama that has been part of our relationship, to be in my life anymore, so I am leaving it now.

Of course I got the full on treatment, calls abusing me for "letting him down", promises of change, the whole gammut, but I chose no contact and kept to it, tho it was the hardest time of all my life.

It took a while, but HE chose to end his drinking, He chose counselling, and HE hunted til he found his AA book from 35 years ago, and reads it daily.

I chose to re-establish the contact and this time, I let him know that if he chooses to drink, I will leave and it will be for ever. My health and well being now comes before anything, and I choose calm and pleasure for lifestyle.

I hope you can work thru this for yourself firstly, and maybe that will make it possible for changes for your AH along the way.

God bless