coyote21

Well, LMC has been cruising along on anger at her mom for the last 2 years. Now it appears the anger is being replaced by feelings of loss.

Last wed was teachers work day, so no school, so I called our old nanny from last year and she cleared out her schedule (grad school with 2 jobs) to watch LMC for me. They messed around and carved a pumpkin and other fun stuff. LMC was very sad that night after the nanny left.

Today an Alanon woman about her moms age invited her over to bake homemade cookies from scratch. She'd make a great mom if she wasn't already married!

Any way, LMC comes home from these "surrogate mom" experiences feeling worse instead of better, about this whole MIA mom thing. Damn.

God bless her.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Ago

I'm sorry man

:ghug3

You are doing the right thing, I know whatever I say won't be enough but GDit, you are a wonderful and loving father, you are doing the right thing

:ghug3

coyote21

Thanks, you made my eyes leak or something. I guess all I can do is give her up to her HP.

I told her that me having to grow up w/out a dad made me a better dad, and to decide to never leave her.

Told her when she grows up and is a mom the same thing is likely to happen, and she'll probably be a great mom because of this stuff.

Don't know what else to say to her.

Thanks and God bless us all, especially the kids,
Coyote

MeHandle

Missing it says something about her heart Coyote. She knows how it is purposed to be lived out best. She has insight into her thoughts and feelings. Soooo... you ae obviously doing the right things.

I hope their will be a special woman for her , a 'mom' she will adopted that can have that intimacy with her. Or she will be able to adopt the multitude of moments with the multitude of woman into a positive emotional experience of being mothered.

I will remember you in my prayers to have the wisdom and ability to give the emotional support beyond your gender, so as to have as much ability to mother too. And experiencing this myself now, there is nothing like knowing there is someone out there praying for my child. I will be praying for her Coyote.

love tammy

Chrysalis123

Oh Coyote....That's hard.

I am a motherless woman. My mom died when I was 12 and dad was an unrecovered A and too busy for me....even after my mom died. I coped by adopting a few survival strategies, namely be invisible, get emotionally numb, and expect nothing. Worked great at the time and those dysfunctional coping strategies are some of the reasons I married an emotioanlly unavailable man that is now a raging A.

Your girl is so darn fortunate to have you. Look at all you do for her even thinking about providing mom-type experiences for her. All I can say from looking in from the outside is your little girl is feeling the feelings that something like this generates which is a good thing. Hug that girl, cherish her and let her see you feel your feelings too.

:ghug3

intheknow

Hugs to you, Coyote.

My son (8) sits in his room on his bed and talks to himself about missing his dad all the time. He cries, and sobs and constantly looks out the window. Makes me wonder all the time if I am doing the right thing. I know in time he will understand, but for now...

Keep being a great dad to her and she will understand, too.

Still Waters

How old is LMC? I ask because it seems all the girls I'm surrounded by are at that hormonal stage in their young lives, which seems to exaggerate all things.

Hang in there Dad, you're doing a great job!

24Years

I have a suspicion that one day those feelings of missing her mom will also become appreciative feelings of motherly experiences and a very loving father. Seems it will be a win, win situation.

Keep up the awesome care.

Pelican

Sorry Coyote.

LMC is blessed to have you as her dad. You are an amazing parent.

(((hugs)))

Cowgirl1265

Your daughter is so lucky to have a wise, loving father who will always have her best interests at heart.

She misses having a mom, that is normal. This is one of those transformational life experiences. It is a pain that no one but her HP can help her with, but the love and guidance you give her will be incredibly important and she will never forget you being there.

It is so hard when our kids are sad over big stuff and we can't fix it for them. I think those are my worst moments as a parent. Well, those and the panicky moments of realizing that somehow I've been designated as the responsible party for these two hooligans...

CatsPajamas

(( coyote )) ((LMC))

It's normal, and it's sad, and it's a great opportunity for bonding and growth.

It's good that she has some strong women in her life. Hopefully there will be more as time goes on. You're a great dad and an incredible blessing in your daughter's life. Don't let anyone tell you differently.

GiveLove

((( Coyote ))))

I lost my A mom at 8. It was helpful for me to be put in the company of other strong women. At first I resented that I didn't get to LIVE with them, but over time I was able to step into that different way of living: that I could construct my own family that was far better and stronger than the one I'd been dealt.

Took some time. It's hard when they aren't quite of the age where they "get" why they can't have what other kids have. But this too shall pass, and she will grow up to be an amazing young woman.

Big hugs to you both
GL

MissFixit

Hey there,

My parents split when I was 8 and my sister and I lived with my dad. Clueless about girls...

I basically took the mother role over for my sister and I managed to mother myself with the help of several women friends of my father's. Do you have any stable female friends who can check in with LMC from time to time to do girly mom stuff? It sounds like you do already. I really feel for you and LMC, as I know first hand how sad it can be. However, the flip side is that as long as you and LMC are aware about what is going on, then you can address sadness and miscommunication early on.

One thing I remember liking were the girl rituals like getting my hair done or clothes shopping. Also, baking was lots of fun.

LaTeeDa

All you can do is validate her feelings. Let her know it's okay to feel the way she does and that you understand. As parents, we want to fix everything. But sometimes we just need to listen and nod. And a few hugs never hurts. ((((()))))

L

coyote21

Thanks guys, today all is well again. This only seems to happen when she gets a little taste of what having a mom would be like.

She's 8 by the way, and one thing I've been putting off for a year now (it's time) is turning in the paperwork to get her a "Big Sister", I think it'll really help.

Yeah, when they're hurting and we can't "fix" it, it does suck. Thanks to HP for teaching me what I can fix and what I can't.

I am very grateful that she can even have these feelings to feel, you know? I can feel them too, and know it's normal and part of life and NOT the end of the world. Learned all this in Alanon, and at SR from you all. Thanks, I'm blessed.

I went to bed last night and shed a few tears over it and your responses. It wasn't bad, didn't release a bunch of poisonous cortisol to my system like stress does. Woke up refreshed, this too will pass kind of deal.

Here's what I found out, you all probably already know...if you lay on your back in bed, and shed 2 or 3 tears, they run down your face right into your ears and tickle like crazy! Made me laugh at myself.

I didn't know that.

Feeling is soooo much better than stuffing, you all taught me that too. Thank you, we're gonna be just fine.

Thanks and God bless us all, specially the kids,
Coyote

MissFixit

Coyote,

I don't know if you go to church, but the church ladies would eat you and LMC up. Lot's of baked goods and casseroles.

coyote21

Yes, we exploit the church ladies on a regular basis! J/K. LMC often gets to walk down the aisle and light/snuff out the candles.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Pelican

if you lay on your back in bed, and shed 2 or 3 tears, they run down your face right into your ears and tickle like crazy!

LOL, thanks!

trapeze

I cried like a baby when I read this, as it really hit home. Yesterday my 15 year old son shaved for the first time. I bought him a razor because AH is in rehab, never got around to helping him with this before he went. My amazing son has a really bad case of razor burn, but seemed less phased by it than I did.

I felt so bad for him, but he didn't seem to feel bad for himself, so I didn't let on. Still, I felt inadequate as a mom to be the surrogate dad. I think I'm mourning the death of the fairy tale (again).

Having raised one kid (son's older half sis) as a single mom, I have a high degree of confidence that one strong parent who loves them gives a child a pretty good chance of a happy life.

Keep up the great work! Your daughter is truly blessed to have you. And vice versa.