jewelldiva

I have been dealing with my husband's alcoholism for over 5 years. He drank frequently when we dated and when we were first married. When I was pregnant with our daughter, he got a DUI and decided to stay sober... for awhile.

When our newborn daughter was a month old, he was involved in a head-on collision with another driver. He fled the scene of the accident on foot, and turned himself into police the next morning when he had sobered up. He was immediately taken by authorities to the hospital where he had emergency surgery. He had been bleeding internally throughout the night, and another hour of this bleed would have killed him. Thankfully, the victims he hit were ok... my insurance paid for their totalled car, and their medical bills. I can't imagine how it must have felt to be hit by a drunk driver who ran away from the scene of the accident.

Because of the above incident, my husband spent 8 months in prison and was offered a voluntary departure (which is kind of like being deported-- only you pay for your own plane ticket out of the country). This is the punishment he got-- strictly for fleeing the accident scene, which is a felony. Because they couldn't prove he had been drinking, he didn't even get punished for that. He would have been charged with attempted murder in the state where we lived.

My husband has been away from my daughter and me for about 2.5 years. You'd think all the stuff I told you would have been his "rock bottom." Think again.

My spouse is the kind of guy who drinks only a few times a year. He can be sober for months at a time... but when he drinks one beer, he just can't stop until he's totally obliterated. He morphs into this completely evil person-- it's like jekyll & hyde. When he's drunk, he's verbally abusive. He's never physically abused me, but there have been times that I've been scared for my life. I keep my phone with me at all times while he's drinking, in case I need to call 911. He's eyes become all glazed over, and every other word is a curse. It only takes one wrong move to generate a storming rage that will lead him to violence (beat one of his friends to a bloody pulp) or cause him to drive drunk at excessive speeds. My husband DISGUSTS me when I'm drunk... having sex with him feels like I'm submitting to rape. I don't like him to even TOUCH me when he's been drinking... his breath makes me want to vomit.

When my husband is sober, he IS prince charming. The whole time I was pregnant, he did all the housework and gave me massages every night. His hugs and kisses are so tender. He brings me flowers, tells me the sweetest things, and is the most loving, doting father one could imagine. He will do everything I ask of him, and will help anyone in my family. He will retile a kitchen and not expect a thing in return... he'll loan money to a relative in need-- without complaint-- knowing that he won't get the money back. He is the most generous person I know! This is how my husband really is-- about 362 days of the year. Those three days of intoxication are what KILL me... those three little days per year are about to end our 5 year marriage.

He is a Christian man, and genuinely WANTS to recover. When he was in prison, he attended AA. He has been seeing a psychologist for the past 2 years. He fully admits he has a problem and that he needs help. He has been on his knees, crying out to God for help with his addiction. The longest he has been without drinking is the 8 months he was in prison. He was flown back to Honduras, and the first week he was home... he drank.

Last night was the first time in several months (once again) that he has been drunk. He was on the phone with me, LYING to me... "No baby! I'm not drinking! I'm with my friend.... he's a pastor!" Does he think I'm an IDIOT?? I know when he's drunk by the time he gets the first word of the conversation out of his mouth! He spoke to my daughter... I was not arguing with him. Just pretending to be happy and lovey-dovey so that I would not start a fight. It worked. Fighting with a drunk is a lost cause, so I waited until the next evening to call him.

I told him everything I WANTED to tell him the night before--- when he was wasted. I told him I heard him screaming and cussing at our 2-year-old daughter for not saying "I love you" loudly enough. That just made me sick to my stomach. I told him I did not want to be married to him anymore. He cried and sobbed, pleading for another chance. I told him I'd given him one million chances, and he'd blown it. I had to hang up on him because the crying was breaking my heart.

He tried calling me back several times, but I didn't answer. I knew he'd be depressed, and was therefore probably drunk. I haven't spoken to him since. I still don't know what to do... I do love him, and I do believe that he can change himself with the help of God. i don't want to give up on our family! I don't want to be responsible for dividing a family, and forcing my daughter to grow up without a father. At the same time, I don't want her to have a verbally-abusive alcoholic for a dad! I don't want to be responsible for her early death; what if he decides to get drunk one night and take her for a ride? What if she dies in a car accident because I didn't have the balls to divorce my husband?? I NEED HELP! I also think I need to stick to my guns-- at least for awhile. I just need advice. What should I do?? What worked/ didn't work for other people?

If you don't have anything to offer, I accept ALL prayer-- as well as cyber-hugs.

least

:ghug3


Please do whatever is needed to keep you and your child safe. I will keep you in my prayers.

Learn2Live

I don't understand; he only drinks 3 days out of the year?

Bernadette

I do believe that he can change himself with the help of God. i don't want to give up on our family! I don't want to be responsible for dividing a family, and forcing my daughter to grow up without a father.

OK all this you have NO control over. None zip, zero. If your daughter grows up not knowing her father very well that will be his choice, his decision! Because if he continues to choose drink that will be the result. You are the sober, sane parent and you MUST protect your dear daughter, even if that means, yes, keeping away from her drunk and abusive father.

There's a great slogan in AA/Alanon "Let Go and Let God" I know for me, once I learned to let my A brothers go and just let their Higher Power be their guide - things got a whole lot healthier, saner, safer and more peaceful in my life.

I don't want her to have a verbally-abusive alcoholic for a dad! I don't want to be responsible for her early death; what if he decides to get drunk one night and take her for a ride? What if she dies in a car accident because I didn't have the balls to divorce my husband??

This you DO have control over! And it has nothing to do with balls. It has to do with rational thinking and staying in reality - accepting him just as he is TODAY. And today, what your daughter does have, in reality, for a dad is a verbally abusive alcoholic.

I still don't know what to do... I do love him

I think you do know what to do. But that doesn't make doing it any easier. And we all love the alcoholics in our lives, if loving them and believing in their potential for sobriety and recovery was enough none of us would be here!

He is an adult. He doesn't need your protection, encouragement, or belief to get sober. As you said, you've given him a million chances, you love him, and yet you've had to plan to use your phone out of fear of his behavior turning into some kind of emergency!!!! He needs to make a choice and get very very serious about it. And that's something you simply can't control.

But you can make a choice, today, to put you and your daughter first, And what a difference that will make in her life. In so many ways. You can PM me anytime and I'll give you some sad common stories from my childhood with an alcoholic father...

Be strong for yourself and your daughter - this misery does not have to continue!!! Have you tried AlAnon? Turned my life around.

peace & stick around- you are not alone - it may be a long road, but it doesn't have to be a lonely one! Collectively we've pretty much seen it all here in SR - so keep posting!
b

trapeze

Many of us have mourned the death of our individual fairy tales. I've bounced around through the stages of grief a few times. Still moving through it.

He may be a good guy, but he has a progressive disease which will get worse over time if he doesn't quit drinking. You cannot love him enough to make him stop. He has to do it himself.

Please take care of yourself and your precious daughter.

Good luck.

Jadmack25

Here's the cyberhugs and prayers coming your way.

TakingCharge999

((jeweldiva))

I send you hugs and good vibes.

You can't control his problem, you were not the cause of it, and you can't cure him.

If he changes it will be because he decides to, for HIMSELF. Only God knows when/if it will happen at all.

Meanwhile you need to take care of you and your daughter... you are very strong.

The only one giving up his family is him.

smacked

From my experience, a child is much better off coming from a broken home than living in one.

Please protect her.. she needs at least ONE parent that will look out for her well being at ANY cost.

MeHandle

jewelldiva,

We are familiar here with the daily drinkers and the bingers. The way you explain your Ah at 3 times a year it sounds like a binger.However,jewelldiva, from other things you say, really only 3 times a year?????????????????????????????????????????????? ????

My AH tells me often he is a good guy, and he is, way more often then not. BUt I am not in need of a good guy, but a good husband. And good, godly husband's don't fall to these leaves of abuse and get to keep the title of 'good.'

Both my AH and I are also christians. My struggles with going forward with divorce have been because I am a christian. After struggling with myself and God I realized I was the only one keeping me in this marriage. I admitted "it was bad enough",that my feelings of being harmed were valid. God is jealous for you jewelldiva. And as to your husband remember that God disciplines those he loves. Losing you, if he does not change, may be one of those forms of discipline. Remaining married to someone who adandond his wife and kids emotionally and crosses over into abuses is not a biblical mandate by God, even if both of you are chrisitans. Sexual immorality, abuse and abandonment are all valid reasons for a chrisitian to have a case for divorce. If you have a healthy church they first will want to talk to both of you and see if there is a chance if he is willing to seek help and be accountable. They will help you through the process either way you choose. NOte:**** not all churches hold this position and teach you should get out of the situation and live in seperation limbo if he never cheated on you. Or worse, they just don't understand , period, and end up making you a victim by them as they expect you to 'suffer' it, and if you don't suffer it you end up being the bad guy( sinner that should never remarry) if you leave. The later are wrong, this is not what scripture says.

Heavenly Father,

I pray for jewelldiva to know the difference between Your convictions and her convictions. Lord you call us to protect the innocent, I pray for her wisdom on this. I pray that she will know Your comfort towards her brokenheart. For Your heart is with the brokenhearted. I pray her husband responds to the hand You hold out to him instead of going his own way. I pray for her understanding of surrendering this to you. In Jesus name.

In my experience jewelldiva, like my husband, he can cry out to the Lord all he wants but with out his actual surrender his crying out does not mean he is crying out to surrender. My AH seemed to want God to 'fix it' or 'make me stop drinking.'

Free108

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. What a hard situation to see a usually lovely man become such a monster. My XABF is also a lovely man, but in the end, his addiction makes him overall not such a lovely man. It's just not so lovely to drive drunk and to be aggressive and gross. You also have a little one in the house and this just isn't fair to her.
It may not be the end of the world for you to leave him because as well as keeping you both safe, he may end up taking responsibility for his problem. It's just not always the most loving thing to do to keep everything normal and nice for someone. I tried this for a while and it hurt me, it hurt my kid and it didn't help him at all.
I wish you lots of strength in dealing with this. Hugs.

TakingCharge999

Also remember your daughter is learning from you, if the status quo is kept guess what kind of person she will chose as a husband? do you want this sadness and fear for her? will you have any right to be surprised then?

Please remember your decisions today are far-reaching.