intheknow

AH will be back at the end of the week. He gets out of rehab early, because he did not have to detox there. He'll be flying in friday night sometime.

I am so not ready for this. I need time to decide what I want to do, and the thought of him being back so soon is rattling. I flip flop every day about whether or not I want to continue our marriage. I want the good husband everyday and I know going into it that is un-realistic.

He's not coming home, he is going to stay at a little house we own down the street. My daughter will live upstairs, and he will live downstairs. They won't actually have contact unless they want to. And I am totally staying out of that mess...they have not spoken since before he left.

So my questions are...

What is healthy in this situation? How do I keep my own boundaries and respect his? I still want him to have contact with his kids. His dog is here as well, and I know he will make a big deal about wanting to see the dog.

How do I avoid being sucked right back in? I admit he is saying the things I wanted to hear, writing letters and calling on the phone from rehab. But how do I know it is really different this time, instead of the same crap different day like all the years past?

He did say that he knows our relationship will not be the same (thank god!) and that he will have to earn my trust back. He said he knows I may decide that I don't want this at all. And he says he will just have to accept that if that is the case.

I am so confused. What do I really want...and how do I find the happiness and peace I need right now?

Has anyone else been here?

trapeze

I could have written this in so many ways. My AH is going to be in rehab for another month, thank goodness. He was originally supposed to come back next week, and I was not ready, at all, for all the reasons you described.

I have no answers whatsoever, just wanted you to know that I understand how you feel.

intheknow

Haha...you got the extra month that I was hoping for...before he left I actually prayed that he would be found to be soooo sick he would have to stay much longer. Dangit!

Learn2Live

I would try to take it one day at a time and not think in terms of what to do about anything other than today, right now, the present moment.

intheknow

Thanks, L2L...that is so hard for me to do. But I am working on it. It has never been my comfort zone to not know what is going to happen.

I have a long way to go!

Learn2Live

Me, too. All you can do is try Mellane. Maybe you could start iwth something small like try not to worry about what is going to happen with him wanting to see the dog, until he asks to see the dog?

intheknow

Very true. There is nothing I can do about it until it happens. Instead, I get so worried I lie awake at night thinking about all the what if's. And since I found out he'll be back, I haven't slept well. My doctor did prescribe a sleep-aid, but I try not to take it unless I absolutely have to.

Maybe I just won't pick him up at the airport? haha. I wish it was that simple.

Learn2Live

Well, who says you have to be the one who pix him up at the airport?

I have sleep probs too, especially when worried about things. I take calcium supplement one hour before I want to fall asleep. I also turn down the lights and try to avoid T.V. and computer 2 hours before. I also like SleepyTime Extra tea by Celestial Seasonings.

You're going to be just fine. I know it.

intheknow

I thought about having his parents pick him up, but I know the kids (two still at home, two not at home) want to see him.

I have had sleep problems my entire adult life, which also happens to be my entire married life. I think it is ironic that I slept all nite for the first several nights after he left.

I have tried everything to sleep better, but I just worry too much. I do not have a tv in the bedroom anymore, and I try to make sure I am warm and relaxed. I do not drink any caffeine at all.

I should try that tea...

transformyself

I dunno, I' be inclined to have clear boundaries put in place right away, so you can continue to process and figure out what you want. Write em down. It's good that he's staying elsewhere, I know you'll figure this out.

intheknow

On the boundary thing...

he ends every conversation and letter with I miss you and I love you...

and I just say...take care.

I decided that when and if I say this again, it is because I mean it - not because I feel like it is the right thing to say.

Learn2Live

You're right on about the I love you, miss you crap. You just can't continuously treat someone else like hell and then tell them you miss and love them and expect to get a positive response. I just ignore it anymore when I can tell it's hogwash. You know that no response is okay, right?

About that tea, it has valerian root in it, which is a natural calm-you-down-thing. Don't take it longer than two weeks at a time. You have to give your body a break from it. You can google it for more info. It's an ancient remedy for insomnia. Very calming.

I hear you that the KIDs want to see him and therefore want you to pick him up but what do you want? (not yelling at u).

I have to purposely calm myself down in the late afternoon/early evening. It is discipline I have had to learn how to do to myself. Otherwise, as has been the case my whole life, I would stay up all night, at least till 2AM. Please know that light (natural light, lightbulbs, blue light, etc) has more affect on you than people know.

justtakestime

I agree with transformyself. When my AH was in rehab me and the children went to the weekend family counseling and that is where the very clear boundries were set. I don't know how old your kids are but if they are old enough to understand I would sit down with them and decide some boundries and write them down. Also, it was very difficult when my AH came home from a month long rehab.......he was like a chocolate Easter Bunny He looked really good on the outside but inside he was hollow. He said it was because he was concentrating so hard on his sobriety that he couldn't think of anything else. That was very difficult because I was expecting a new, wonderful, sober husband. When in fact he was still a toxic brained, drugged, stressed, dry drunk. We DID have a small welcome home dinner for him just to show that we appreciated his hard work in the program. His sobriety lasted 100 days. I had a special dinner made for him to celebrate his 100 days....he never showed up. I think keeping your distance is a great idea. He now has to learn to live in the REAL WORLD........SOBER!!!!!! I will keep you in my prayers as you begin the next part of your journey. I was there only months ago.

Cowgirl1265

I think it ok to hold your distance. Regardless of what he has said on the phone and in letters, his ACTIONS are what you will be watching to and those are what will make the difference for you.

<<<HUGS>>>

intheknow

Our kids are 21, 19, 17 and 8. Three girls and a boy. And our daughter is pregnant with our first grandchild.

I can't help but think that this is not what I planned for my life. I do miss the person he could be on rare occasion, but do not miss the person he was most of the time. His words do mean a little, but I am waiting to see his actions when he is back in the real world.

His job makes it easy for him to have a whole other life - he is on call for a 365 - 24/7 company. He gets called to work, leaves town for 36+ hours, comes home and waits to get called again. While on the other end, he sits in a hotel room and waits to get called to come home. A lot of the drinking and other problem behaviors happen on the other end, where I can't see what is up. And he was always to dumb (oh, sorry that was my inside voice calling him dumb) to realize that I always knew when something was up because he wouldn't answer the phone or text messages. And our bank account would have lots of charges on it.

So what happens when the pressure is on from the guys he works with on that end? Does he tell them...no, I just completed rehab and it cost me my marriage for the time being? Or does he give in? I know that I don't control his thoughts and actions, but I am needing to see how he handles himself in these situations.

We also have a family wedding coming up a week after he gets home. Did I mention that my family has owned a bar since the late 1950's? So weddings and family gatherings always include alcohol and lots of it. I am curious to see how he handles himself.

Remember the old Calgon commercials...where she sits in the bubbles and says "Calgon take me away?" Maybe I need to do the same, only say "Al-Anon, take me away..."

Learn2Live

I don't go to weddings anymore for this very same reason (I'm a recovering alcoholic). I have to do what I have to do to keep my sobriety and I KNOW that I cannot resist the champagne. And once I start, all hell breaks loose.

intheknow

I, luckily, have not ever had a problem with alcohol. I can take it or leave it. And growing up I saw so much of it and how it affected our family, that I choose not to drink more often than I choose to drink.

People always thought our family was so fun. We spent alot of time together, and it was a big party. There are almost 80 of us all together, so you can imagine. I saw what happened to people and how it truly made them feel. And then for some dumb reason, the person I chose to marry became an alcoholic shortly after we married. My worst fear came true.

intheknow

AH called a bit ago. They can have phone for an hour a night, and his hour was going to happen at the same time as AA meeting. I would have completely understood if he did not call because of this conflict.

He skipped the AA meeting so he could call. Said it's been the same speakers the last couple of times and he had already heard them.

I can't help but see this as a red flag, and wonder if I am exaggerating?

AWEDA

Definate RED FLAG....

intheknow

Thanks...for some reason this is just not sitting right.