gns

It occurred to me this week that I am actually grateful for being devalued by AXBF and at work.

See, I have always been really insecure about my looks and if I was good at my job. Well, because my ex would keep rejecting me (after sucking me in by making me feel beautiful) I had to learn to develop my own sense of acceptance/confidence about my looks.

Same with work. I always lived and died by what others said about me. My boss right now is such a jerk that I have had to learn that I bring a lot to the table and he if he doesn't value that, it doesn't mean I am not valuable!

In yoga they say you have to find the middle ground between being "watery and open" and have a core sense of self/value (muscular energy). Now that kinda makes sense in my life.

Not everyone's opinion matters - I have to learn to have my own core sense of value no matter what the jerks say and think!

I just wanted to share my thoughts for input and because you have all been so helpful and important in my growth!!

Now I just have to live it..... (sigh)...........

Learn2Live

Thank you so much for this. I totally agree with your statement about the importance of values. It took me a long time to develop this. I didn't even know it was missing till I got into recovery!

This too took me a long time to wrap my head around. My problem now is when people think they have the RIGHT to force their violent opinions on me (which seems to be happening a lot lately) even when I ask them not to.

I sincerely hope I do not come across this way to another human being, and also hope that someone would tell me when this happens. Do you find that telling people when you feel they have de-valued you is helpful? Or do you find it better to keep it to yourself?

Thanks so much again for sharing this.

gns

Dear Learn2Live,

Thank you for sharing your experience and thoughts!

About 'telling people when they devalue you' - that is a really good idea! I think you are further along in this than I am- I hadn't even considered that.

hmmmm...

Have you let people know? If so, how? And how did they react?


From Rumi - my yoga teacher quoted this the other day. I really like the first part.


My heart, sit only with those
who know and understand you.
Sit only under a tree
that is full of blossoms.
In the bazaar of herbs and potions
don't wander aimlessly
find the shop with a potion that is sweet.
If you don't have a measure
people will rob you in no time.
You will take counterfeit coins
thinking they are real.
Don't fill your bowl with food from
every boiling pot you see.
Not every joke is humorous, so don't search
for meaning where there isn't one.
Not every eye can see,
not every sea is full of pearls.
My heart, sing the song of longing
like a nightingale.
The sound of your voice casts a spell
on every stone, on every thorn.
First, lay down your head
then one by one
let go of all distractions.
Embrace the light and let it guide you
beyond the winds of desire.
There you will find a spring and
nourished by its sweet waters
like a tree you will bear fruit forever.

queenie88

great thread! i too have been struggling with insecurities about who i am in general. i guess i never really realized it until my experience with xabf...as you said, "I lived and died" by what he thought of me, and gave more weight and value to his opinions and ideas than i did to my own, so when he told me i was selfish, immature and an angry person, i believed him.

it took me a while to realize what was happening, and i still struggle with insecurities and feeling not good enough. i wouldn't say i've regained my center by any means, but i totally agree about having a core sense of self-value, and i'm striving to reach that point.

the question is...how?

intheknow

I think I have gotten much closer to figuring out who I really am in this journey (AH in rehab) by looking at the things that I have been able to handle without him here.

I have found that I am not really impatient - something he accused me of all the time - and that I am not nearly as angry. I have found that I do remember how to laugh, how to smile and how to love.

It's just alot easier to do all of these things - smile, laugh, love - when you aren't so stressed about what they have done and what they are going to do.

Learn2Live

Thanks gns, and especially for that poem From Rumi. Those things are helpful to me.

Well, when a person devalues me, first I try not to react in anger, then I try to get myself to stop crying and panicking, and then I try to calmly and kindly communicate my boundaries with them. But ummmm...... it doesn't seem to be working for me, that's why I was asking you.

In response to me trying to express my feelings and boundaries to them, seems most people either de-value me more verbally, de-value me with their angry behavior, de-value me by telling ugly, untrue things about me to other people behind my back, or de-value me by ignoring me. Even worse, they also just keep doing what I asked them not to do. Not sure what is up with that. Feels like junior high school all over again.

I guess the only way to successfully "fix" that is to try a couple of times and if it doesn't "work" avoid the person completely. It's hard though because there are so many people in life that you just CAN'T avoid.

Sorry this is not helpful.