When you have to be in contact with your ex alcoholic partner
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 105
When you have to be in contact with your ex alcoholic partner
I thought I would start a thread about this issue, because it's something that I feel nervous about.
The only way I've managed to keep a hold of myself over the past 3 weeks has been to have no contact with him. I have been in touch with him once in order to try to start resolving our financial issues and it was difficult because after writing him an email suggesting some solutions, I found myself hooked in again, checking for a response from him, wondering what he's thinking etc...
I also have to work at our business a couple of times a week. I go in when he's not there (mornings while he's sleeping off his hangover) and that's hard too. Very triggering.
On a more positive note though, I actually woke up not crying this morning, after reading through my journal of the past year last night. At first I thought it would make me sad, but it was so full of my frustrations over being in relationship with him it was a bit of a wake up call!
The only way I've managed to keep a hold of myself over the past 3 weeks has been to have no contact with him. I have been in touch with him once in order to try to start resolving our financial issues and it was difficult because after writing him an email suggesting some solutions, I found myself hooked in again, checking for a response from him, wondering what he's thinking etc...
I also have to work at our business a couple of times a week. I go in when he's not there (mornings while he's sleeping off his hangover) and that's hard too. Very triggering.
On a more positive note though, I actually woke up not crying this morning, after reading through my journal of the past year last night. At first I thought it would make me sad, but it was so full of my frustrations over being in relationship with him it was a bit of a wake up call!
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
I'll be checking back in here to get some strength, because I'll need to deal with mine soon..unless I can get the attorney to do it all for me. The very thought of even seeing him makes me ill.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Yay! Thank you for starting this thread. I will need support as well, as we share the kids and I still have to go to the old house to remove a majority of my stuff.
thank you!
I think reading back over a journal is an amazing tool, it helps blow away the shroud of denial.
thank you!
I think reading back over a journal is an amazing tool, it helps blow away the shroud of denial.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
I totally understand what you're saying. And it's funny, I just read old journals the other night too. I had blocked out so much stuff in the name of working things out. I was shocked to read that it actually was *that* bad!
Anyway, what works for me is not allowing myself to engage in or initiate any talk about anything other than the business at hand. It's easy to get sucked in if H starts apologizing, so I can't even hear that right now. You have to be firm with yourself and with him.
I also have found that H's energy is so overwhelming that I can only take small doses. If I have to see him for more than 30 minutes or so, I am exhausted and depressed afterward.
And, I've found that TIME makes it all a little easier.
Anyway, what works for me is not allowing myself to engage in or initiate any talk about anything other than the business at hand. It's easy to get sucked in if H starts apologizing, so I can't even hear that right now. You have to be firm with yourself and with him.
I also have found that H's energy is so overwhelming that I can only take small doses. If I have to see him for more than 30 minutes or so, I am exhausted and depressed afterward.
And, I've found that TIME makes it all a little easier.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I would like to add a "What Not to Do" that I learned a long time ago is VERY unhealthy for children of separated/separating/divorcing/divorced parents.
Don't use the child as a go-between for ANYTHING between you and the other person. Not even asking the child to deliver an envelope or other item, or even telling the other person anything. Keep the child completely out of it. Because the child is a CHILD and You are the ADULT. So, find another way that does not involve the child.
Don't use the child as a go-between for ANYTHING between you and the other person. Not even asking the child to deliver an envelope or other item, or even telling the other person anything. Keep the child completely out of it. Because the child is a CHILD and You are the ADULT. So, find another way that does not involve the child.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I got this off the internet and if this woman weren't in the UK I'd be buying her drinks.
The No Contact Rule
hand using mobile phoneIf you are not acquainted with the No Contact Rule, now is the time. The ‘No Contact Rule’ is established for the following reason; an inability to cut off a relationship that is over.
While the rule may sound simple, let me tell you, it’s not, which is all the more reason to enforce it when possible. Breaking up with someone can cause a rollercoaster of emotions including anger, frustration and large amounts of pain which is all the more reason to get away as soon as possible from the source that is causing it. Relationships can be dragged out for months and in some cases years when one or both parties stays in continual contact even though its obvious that the relationship is long over.
How to abide by the No Contact Rule
1. No calling. Period. I don’t care if your cat ran away; your house burned down or if your car dumped you on the side of the road. Drama is not a reason to stir up a phone call to the ex. Drunk dialing is big no-no as well. If you feel like calling, call a friend until the feeling passes.
2. No sex. I know giving up a relationship means giving up sex, but it’s a dangerous recipe to continue intimate relations with an ex. Not only can you become dependent on this closeness but it keeps you in the dark ages on the “get over him” timeline. That’s what vibrators are for.
3. No spying. You would be amazed at how many women I have known that take it upon themselves to do a quick drive by of the ex’s house. This can satisfy that craving to know if he is home or out on the town with the boys. Worse case scenario you see a strange car outside and your imagination hits an all time high. Don’t do it. This can cause an emotional phone call (see #1) to your ex. Besides, blabbing to him what you saw will only make you look psycho. Not good.
4. No information sharing through friends. If you the two of you have mutual friends, don’t volunteer information to them in hopes they are going to tell your ex. It is tempting to want your ex to know that you won the million dollar lottery or just met the man of your dreams but it benefits neither one of you in the end. If your friends are blabbing, ask them nicely to keep your personal information to themselves.
5. Get rid of temptation by deleting your ex’s phone number from your mobile/cell phone (this will prevent drunk dialing) and block his email address. This adds more security layers to the No Contact Rule in an age of technology.
The No Contact Rule exists to hasten the healing process. By dragging out the end of a relationship, it only delays you from happiness in the future. It is important to allow yourself time to mourn the end of the relationship but keep the no contact rule in place. It will be hard at first but the longer you go, the easier it gets. Remember, practice makes perfect. If you find that you slipped up on any of the above, don’t beat yourself up. It’s never too late to start fresh. Remember, no contact means NO CONTACT. It’s the first and most important step to moving on. Now, go get started!
This post was contributed by Rose City Girl. She’s a fine food and wine loving mixed media artist that travels a lot and stays away from men that mistreat her!
The No Contact Rule
hand using mobile phoneIf you are not acquainted with the No Contact Rule, now is the time. The ‘No Contact Rule’ is established for the following reason; an inability to cut off a relationship that is over.
While the rule may sound simple, let me tell you, it’s not, which is all the more reason to enforce it when possible. Breaking up with someone can cause a rollercoaster of emotions including anger, frustration and large amounts of pain which is all the more reason to get away as soon as possible from the source that is causing it. Relationships can be dragged out for months and in some cases years when one or both parties stays in continual contact even though its obvious that the relationship is long over.
How to abide by the No Contact Rule
1. No calling. Period. I don’t care if your cat ran away; your house burned down or if your car dumped you on the side of the road. Drama is not a reason to stir up a phone call to the ex. Drunk dialing is big no-no as well. If you feel like calling, call a friend until the feeling passes.
2. No sex. I know giving up a relationship means giving up sex, but it’s a dangerous recipe to continue intimate relations with an ex. Not only can you become dependent on this closeness but it keeps you in the dark ages on the “get over him” timeline. That’s what vibrators are for.
3. No spying. You would be amazed at how many women I have known that take it upon themselves to do a quick drive by of the ex’s house. This can satisfy that craving to know if he is home or out on the town with the boys. Worse case scenario you see a strange car outside and your imagination hits an all time high. Don’t do it. This can cause an emotional phone call (see #1) to your ex. Besides, blabbing to him what you saw will only make you look psycho. Not good.
4. No information sharing through friends. If you the two of you have mutual friends, don’t volunteer information to them in hopes they are going to tell your ex. It is tempting to want your ex to know that you won the million dollar lottery or just met the man of your dreams but it benefits neither one of you in the end. If your friends are blabbing, ask them nicely to keep your personal information to themselves.
5. Get rid of temptation by deleting your ex’s phone number from your mobile/cell phone (this will prevent drunk dialing) and block his email address. This adds more security layers to the No Contact Rule in an age of technology.
The No Contact Rule exists to hasten the healing process. By dragging out the end of a relationship, it only delays you from happiness in the future. It is important to allow yourself time to mourn the end of the relationship but keep the no contact rule in place. It will be hard at first but the longer you go, the easier it gets. Remember, practice makes perfect. If you find that you slipped up on any of the above, don’t beat yourself up. It’s never too late to start fresh. Remember, no contact means NO CONTACT. It’s the first and most important step to moving on. Now, go get started!
This post was contributed by Rose City Girl. She’s a fine food and wine loving mixed media artist that travels a lot and stays away from men that mistreat her!
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Now of course, this isn't possible for those of us who have to have contact for legitimate reasons such as child sharing, selling a house, etc. So here is another set of rules for "The 180" that will also apply and help take back your life. I"ve edited them as I took them off an infidelity site and some aspects don't apply.
Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
No frequent phone calls.
Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
Don't follow her/him around the house.
Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
Don't ask for reassurances.
Don't buy or give gifts.
Don't schedule dates together.
Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available?
No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment.
Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
Don't be overly enthusiastic.
Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
No frequent phone calls.
Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
Don't follow her/him around the house.
Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
Don't ask for reassurances.
Don't buy or give gifts.
Don't schedule dates together.
Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available?
No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment.
Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
Don't be overly enthusiastic.
Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
I have contact with my AH and we are seperated. We have 3 children that we have to communicate about.
We will be going to court soon and I am holding steadfast in the fact that I will not let him have unsupervised vsits.
It took us a while to work out visitation (for now) and he sees the kids 2 days a week, supervised by me. I would allow my IL's to supervise but he doesn't really want that.
I have kept all the same boundries in place that I had when we were living together and I have added others as needed in order to keep myself safe and keep my sanity
.
It was really really hard to stand my ground at first, but once he saw that I wasn't going to bend it has been easier. He will still try me every now and again, and while it would just be easier to give in, I know it is not what is best for the kids and I.
We will be going to court soon and I am holding steadfast in the fact that I will not let him have unsupervised vsits.
It took us a while to work out visitation (for now) and he sees the kids 2 days a week, supervised by me. I would allow my IL's to supervise but he doesn't really want that.
I have kept all the same boundries in place that I had when we were living together and I have added others as needed in order to keep myself safe and keep my sanity
.It was really really hard to stand my ground at first, but once he saw that I wasn't going to bend it has been easier. He will still try me every now and again, and while it would just be easier to give in, I know it is not what is best for the kids and I.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
My first face to face during our seperation was not how I planned it to be. I had to drop off some of his bills. I decided to drop them off in his car at his place of work. I had the spare key to his car, and his car was in the back of his place of work. He is always inside his office or in front of the building with clients.
I was on the phone with my sis and was huffing and puffing about how sorry he was. I put the car in park next to his vehicle and around the corner he appeared. I dropped my phone and turned into jello with spastic actions! In my perfect plan, I was not supposed to see him. I got out of the car, stumble over the curb, hand him his bills, mumbled something about how he might need them, and start shaking so bad I can barely get back into the car. He asked me if I was okay and I could only shake my head "no". I was crying and shaking and having trouble getting my seatbelt fastened. I just kept shaking my head "no" and drove off. He was still just standing there with the bills in his hand.
I call my sis back and am just cussing myself out for being such "milk toast". I wanted to be a strong, confident, determined lady handling a business transaction (in secret). I think my HP had better plans. My display of raw emotion and vulnerability had an effect on my ex. He saw that I was really hurting. He saw that I was having a tough time. He worried about me (briefly). In the end, he did not fight with me during the divorce. He accepted my decision and signed the forms.
It did get easier to see him after that episode. I was more confident and composed when I saw him again.
I was on the phone with my sis and was huffing and puffing about how sorry he was. I put the car in park next to his vehicle and around the corner he appeared. I dropped my phone and turned into jello with spastic actions! In my perfect plan, I was not supposed to see him. I got out of the car, stumble over the curb, hand him his bills, mumbled something about how he might need them, and start shaking so bad I can barely get back into the car. He asked me if I was okay and I could only shake my head "no". I was crying and shaking and having trouble getting my seatbelt fastened. I just kept shaking my head "no" and drove off. He was still just standing there with the bills in his hand.
I call my sis back and am just cussing myself out for being such "milk toast". I wanted to be a strong, confident, determined lady handling a business transaction (in secret). I think my HP had better plans. My display of raw emotion and vulnerability had an effect on my ex. He saw that I was really hurting. He saw that I was having a tough time. He worried about me (briefly). In the end, he did not fight with me during the divorce. He accepted my decision and signed the forms.
It did get easier to see him after that episode. I was more confident and composed when I saw him again.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
This is tough especially when you have children.
I try and keep it civil and light when he is here. Exah has supervised visits in my home with our toddler. I am not cold but I am not overly friendly either. Just don't want to make it so uncomfortable that he wants to move visits elsewhere because its too tense.
I NEVER EVER text or call exah first unless an emergency about baby. If he does call or text asking how she is I just reply with my standard response of "Shes good". I answer his questions but not too much more. I have been guilty in the past of engaging too much on other things and all it does is hinder my own mental progress. They are smart...they know when we get a backbone and it makes them chase all the more. That is when I usually cave.
People say to treat them like you would the clerk at the store. Smile and be polite but not super friendly.
Now...I need to make sure I do what I say!!
I try and keep it civil and light when he is here. Exah has supervised visits in my home with our toddler. I am not cold but I am not overly friendly either. Just don't want to make it so uncomfortable that he wants to move visits elsewhere because its too tense.
I NEVER EVER text or call exah first unless an emergency about baby. If he does call or text asking how she is I just reply with my standard response of "Shes good". I answer his questions but not too much more. I have been guilty in the past of engaging too much on other things and all it does is hinder my own mental progress. They are smart...they know when we get a backbone and it makes them chase all the more. That is when I usually cave.
People say to treat them like you would the clerk at the store. Smile and be polite but not super friendly.
Now...I need to make sure I do what I say!!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi Free.
I suck at hiding emotions so the first contacts I was a mess before, meanwhile and afterwards. I wouldn't even have the energy to put makeup or whatever.
No biggie... he would twist anything to suit him so.. whatever.
Nowadays I am to the point. Usually I said hi and thanks, for work reasons but lately I just say what I need and leave...
Sometimes I think he was a twin and the good one died long time ago, this one is an evil stranger who sometimes helps me in my work projects because he has no other choice.
Good luck....
I suck at hiding emotions so the first contacts I was a mess before, meanwhile and afterwards. I wouldn't even have the energy to put makeup or whatever.
No biggie... he would twist anything to suit him so.. whatever.
Nowadays I am to the point. Usually I said hi and thanks, for work reasons but lately I just say what I need and leave...
Sometimes I think he was a twin and the good one died long time ago, this one is an evil stranger who sometimes helps me in my work projects because he has no other choice.
Good luck....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Illinois
Posts: 147
Transform, is there a list for men who need to do the "No Contact"? I don't think the vibrator will work for me. =)
I need to abide by this. I made the mistake when she got out of inpatient and we had sex. I missed her badly. I was scared after she tried to kill herself. I needed the physical contact. Oddly enough, I didn't feel the spark. It was just sex, not love. I don't feel those cravings any more.
After this weekend I am more resolved that we are through and there is no hope. We are cutting down our contact and starting to live life apart. Right now we see each other too much and it just puts forth the wrong signals. She thinks there is hope for us. I know in my heart I can never trust her enough to be her husband. It is time to part ways and that begins by cutting out contact!
Wishing you all strength to get through your no contact phase. Be strong, we are all deserving of happy lives!
I need to abide by this. I made the mistake when she got out of inpatient and we had sex. I missed her badly. I was scared after she tried to kill herself. I needed the physical contact. Oddly enough, I didn't feel the spark. It was just sex, not love. I don't feel those cravings any more.
After this weekend I am more resolved that we are through and there is no hope. We are cutting down our contact and starting to live life apart. Right now we see each other too much and it just puts forth the wrong signals. She thinks there is hope for us. I know in my heart I can never trust her enough to be her husband. It is time to part ways and that begins by cutting out contact!
Wishing you all strength to get through your no contact phase. Be strong, we are all deserving of happy lives!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
Free108, I don't know your story very well so I don't know if you have children. If you do not and most of your issues with your significant other are business related, would it be possible to get an accountant (with balls of steel, LOL) to act as a go between for you on this issue?
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Zac you're busted too now! Good, I'm not the only one.
Yes, it is odd isn't it? Horrible really. Let the eons of being alone begin!
I"m going to have to figure out why I still answer when he calls. He just got back into town, came by to see oldest son and give me some money. I stayed busy while he was here, but he wanted to talk about the upcoming holidays and who will have the kids when. That'll suck...neither of us want to give up holiday time with those guys.
My sister who lives here in town just left her partner, so I might be able to hang out with her on Thanksgiving when AH takes the kids over to his brothers house. First year alone, without them.
Ah the holidays with (or without) your alcoholic. If nothing, it'll be interesting..
Oddly enough, I didn't feel the spark. It was just sex, not love. I don't feel those cravings any more.
I"m going to have to figure out why I still answer when he calls. He just got back into town, came by to see oldest son and give me some money. I stayed busy while he was here, but he wanted to talk about the upcoming holidays and who will have the kids when. That'll suck...neither of us want to give up holiday time with those guys.
My sister who lives here in town just left her partner, so I might be able to hang out with her on Thanksgiving when AH takes the kids over to his brothers house. First year alone, without them.
Ah the holidays with (or without) your alcoholic. If nothing, it'll be interesting..
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: SE Wisconsin
Posts: 14
THANK YOU SOOO MUCH for opening this up...I, too, am struggling with No Contact (xabf) other than infrequent text messages for brief communications about children. My lawyer thinks I'm nuts for not yet being able to civilly talk to him, but doesn't understand I have PTSD-like symptoms 2+ years after being beaten. I seriously get physically ill at the thought of speaking or listening to him. I'm in recovery (these boards help A LOT), and maybe one day I'll be on speaking terms w/xabf...but not now. Not yet.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
The rules I set in place with my H grew after initial discussions and spending some time here. We share parenting time with our two children, and two days a week he picks them up at school and brings them here (time & distance are issues, this is a help for both of us). My rules are:
1) No fighting. If the tone gets belligerent the conversation is over.
2) If you need to get something from the house at any time other than when you are "scheduled" to be here you need to call me first
3) No talk of suicidal thoughts (this is an issue). I will call 911 if you do this.
4) If you are having problems or anxiety I am not your support person. You need to call one of your friends, your therapist, or a crisis line. I am dealing with my own problems and I expect you to deal with yours.
5) If you have a question about me I expect you to ask me, not my friends. (I found just recently that the crazy questions get dialed back a bit if he has to confront me directly)
For my own part, I have instructed my friends not to tell me what he says to them and I have "unfriended" him on facebook. If I talk to his mother (whom I adore) and she brings up her conversations with him, I gently change the subject.
He very well may still be having horrible, distorted, crazy thoughts. But he's afraid to show them in front of me and cutting off all avenues of them reaching me has been very freeing for me in terms of allowing me the space to focus on my own issues and needs.
1) No fighting. If the tone gets belligerent the conversation is over.
2) If you need to get something from the house at any time other than when you are "scheduled" to be here you need to call me first
3) No talk of suicidal thoughts (this is an issue). I will call 911 if you do this.
4) If you are having problems or anxiety I am not your support person. You need to call one of your friends, your therapist, or a crisis line. I am dealing with my own problems and I expect you to deal with yours.
5) If you have a question about me I expect you to ask me, not my friends. (I found just recently that the crazy questions get dialed back a bit if he has to confront me directly)
For my own part, I have instructed my friends not to tell me what he says to them and I have "unfriended" him on facebook. If I talk to his mother (whom I adore) and she brings up her conversations with him, I gently change the subject.
He very well may still be having horrible, distorted, crazy thoughts. But he's afraid to show them in front of me and cutting off all avenues of them reaching me has been very freeing for me in terms of allowing me the space to focus on my own issues and needs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 105
Luckily, I don't have a kid with xabf. I just have to find a way of extracting myself from the business that we started together. This means getting some kind of financial settlement from him. I know that I would get further faster with the issue if I was more in his life, calling him up and going over there to talk, but I've been really needing to NOT see him. I want to feel so much stronger once I actually have to be in the same room as him, and not look like a wreck. Stupid pride!
So I've sent him a couple of emails and he is promising me a serious response soon. Hmm. I think that if he doesn't send me something concrete soon, I'll just have to hire a lawyer. He's the king of procrastination, it seems to keep him in control.
It's weird because he really wants me out his life, but he isn't dealing with this issue very speedily. He also still hasn't picked up his d**m fish and cats yet. Probably just lazy and disorganized as usual. I'll deal with that issue once I have my money. First things first. lol.
I wish I could just go the lawyer route right away, but I think that I might get a fairer arrangement if I try doing this personally first.
So I've sent him a couple of emails and he is promising me a serious response soon. Hmm. I think that if he doesn't send me something concrete soon, I'll just have to hire a lawyer. He's the king of procrastination, it seems to keep him in control.
It's weird because he really wants me out his life, but he isn't dealing with this issue very speedily. He also still hasn't picked up his d**m fish and cats yet. Probably just lazy and disorganized as usual. I'll deal with that issue once I have my money. First things first. lol.
I wish I could just go the lawyer route right away, but I think that I might get a fairer arrangement if I try doing this personally first.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: East Coast
Posts: 90
Having a bad codie day after being strong & sticking to my boundaries for many, many weeks. Needed to read this tonight. Between this & my Al Anon mtg tonight an feeling stronger.
My AH has cancer and this last round of chemo hit him hard (he's been doing well prior). He's dry right now & acting like super husband/father. So I let the wall down just a little because he's sick & in pain and I was feeling bad. When he called me at work today I talked to him instead of immediately getting off the phone. Then I had the briefest moment of insanity where I imagined us together- in bed. Ugh. That's really the last thing I want. Really.
I've told him I want a divorce but he does not believe me. He's on good behavior thinking that I will come around if he keeps it up for long enough. I know he means well and he loves me, but after 10 yrs I've finally had enough. I mean this. I am working on being strong enough to do this.
Today was just a brief look at my disease & addiction to him. Thought I was stronger. Am not. Much hard work to be done.
Many thanks to everyone tonight who posted.
My AH has cancer and this last round of chemo hit him hard (he's been doing well prior). He's dry right now & acting like super husband/father. So I let the wall down just a little because he's sick & in pain and I was feeling bad. When he called me at work today I talked to him instead of immediately getting off the phone. Then I had the briefest moment of insanity where I imagined us together- in bed. Ugh. That's really the last thing I want. Really.
I've told him I want a divorce but he does not believe me. He's on good behavior thinking that I will come around if he keeps it up for long enough. I know he means well and he loves me, but after 10 yrs I've finally had enough. I mean this. I am working on being strong enough to do this.
Today was just a brief look at my disease & addiction to him. Thought I was stronger. Am not. Much hard work to be done.
Many thanks to everyone tonight who posted.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Illinois
Posts: 147
SheCanRun I have the same addiction. I told the AW my addiction is her. I want to love and be loved by her so much that I will believe anything she says. When those lies come back I get hurt.
Right now I need time to cure my addiction to her and needing to feel she has to be a part of my life to be happy. I can and will be happy without her. Just going through my steps to cure this insane addiction.
It's hard to see her healthy though. I see the woman I married and not the drunk I was married to the last 5-6 years. I keep telling myself, as much as she is now the woman I married, she is still the woman she was the last years. I can live with one and not the other and since she is and will always be both I have to do what is healthy for me.
Right now I need time to cure my addiction to her and needing to feel she has to be a part of my life to be happy. I can and will be happy without her. Just going through my steps to cure this insane addiction.
It's hard to see her healthy though. I see the woman I married and not the drunk I was married to the last 5-6 years. I keep telling myself, as much as she is now the woman I married, she is still the woman she was the last years. I can live with one and not the other and since she is and will always be both I have to do what is healthy for me.
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