feeling guilty about myself

Old 10-10-2009, 02:05 PM
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feeling guilty about myself

I know that I'm not supposed to feel guilty, but I don't like my feelings at the moment.
All I really want is to have my old life back with my AXBF. I feel ridiculous that I was so much happier then than now. I miss our life together, despite some of the dysfunction. I feel like I should know better, especially reading the advice on this site. I've been reading the classic reading section and it all rings true, but it doesn't cut past the knowledge that I was basically so much happier before. I don't like my weakness. I feel like I should be so much stronger. I wish I could get all the information to penetrate my heart.
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Old 10-10-2009, 03:20 PM
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I think all of us have struggled with those feelings no matter which one decided it was over and done with. Obviously we had wishes, dreams, hopes, pleasures...and it hurts to lose those. It does. Just keep your mind/thoughts in reality and your heart will follow..but don't continue to just sit there and wait for it to happen...go ahead and do something that you enjoy or that takes your mind off it. Can you go away for the rest of the weekend...maybe visit an inspiring park and wander some trails....or hit the mall and get a manicure and your hair done...a spa and massage...pamper yourself like you would someone else whom you loved when they were hurting. Take yourself out for a good time, a great meal, or snuggle up with a great book and some chocolates....whatever it takes that helps you feel some better now...escercise releases happy endorphins...if you can put all that love energy into yourself you can help ease the hurt and suffering, begin to feel better and shorten the process of the transition and the worrying and wondering and etc that is really, really fruitless....well, actually it does bear fruit but not a pleasant or constructive one. Don't hurt yourself just because someone else has hurt you!!!!!!
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Old 10-10-2009, 04:10 PM
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Hi again Free,

I know it's not much comfort for you but I do know what you are going through. Please take it easy on yourself because it hasn't even been a month yet. I know you want it all to come together so that you start feeling better and feel like you can get something moving in your life, but honey, this is going to take a while.

I don't want to scare you because everyone is different and goes at their own pace, but my Ex-Addicted Person who was kind of my BF left 8 and a half months ago. I felt those feelings that you are feeling now for months before I got thru them. You're grieving, that's all, and that's okay, because we all need to grieve. If we didn't, well, we'd probably be drinking and/or drugging or something equally unhealthy instead.

It's so hard when there are reminders of the other person around us in our daily lives. If there is anything that reminds you of him that you can put away for now, try to do that. You don't have to throw it away, just put it in an out-of-the-way place.

You might want to look around here on this F&F forum and go back a few weeks to some old posts of folks who were going thru then what you're going thru right now. That may be helpful for you to connect what you're learning to what you're feeling.

I promise you this will get better. You just keep breathing thru the pain, K?
Hugs :ghug3
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Old 10-10-2009, 05:51 PM
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Thanks Everyone.
I went to the bookstore, bought a couple of books to start tonight. Trying to stay positive and logical. Ha! I'm very grateful that I found this forum. Feel like it's helping me stay on track.
Anvilhead, I'm really want to find new ways of being a diva too. Healthy ways. Here's to being a more enlightened diva!
Liveweyerd and Learn2live, thanks for your strength and insight.
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Old 10-10-2009, 06:22 PM
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I am so glad that you are feeling more positive, taking steps to empower yourself, looking forward to new things and sharing with us.

You see, I learn from you!
When I have been in similar situations, I have not taken these steps as quickly and actively as you have. You show me that I can do that.
And when I tell you what I have learned here and in life, it reminds me, lest I so easily forget what I need to do with my own life. You have strengthened me in a way that I can apply and use!
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Old 10-10-2009, 06:51 PM
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In grief, it often happens that you are almost numb for a short time, then the feelings hit home to you that.....this is for real, and it is over. Often this happens around the first month, when you feel very low in spirit and wish to be back where you were, whether it was good or bad.

My mum went thru this a month after my dad suddenly died, and my girls are there now after losing their dad a few weeks ago. It is a very hard time, and you need to do all you must to get thru the pain that comes up.

With a death it is easier because of the finality, the knowing that you cannot go back to what you had, and when you get thru the tears there is acceptance.

The loss of a relationship, no matter how bad or difficult, doesn't have that finality and you can find yourself looking at the possibility of reunion and starting afresh. It can be a miserable time, but I urge you to concentrate on doing things to help you get over this hump. Learning all you can about addiction, codependancy, grief and loss whether in books, here on SR and Ananon and doing special things you enjoy, can be a big help.

Know that you are not alone in how you feel, that there are many others here who are also struggling or have fought and won that same battle, and are here sharing their feelings, hopes and ideas.

It will get better, but it takes work, some self love and time to heal before it passes.

God bless
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