Should I say something?
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 215
Should I say something?
We have attended 3 marriage counseling sessions, and they have been productive. I recommend it to everyone as a step before making any major lifetime decisions. In the session I can share with out fear of my husband blowing up at me. He has been more willing to share what's on his heart and mind and to ALSO own up, take responsibility for the things he should be. Which he does not do at home.
We have been attending weekly, but now we wait two weeks for the next one.
My question/problem is this (and I need your advice)
When my husband got home from work last night there was pretty much coldness and silence...for a least 2 hours. It eased up a bit but then it was time to say goodnight and go to bed. Today - like many days after this kind of behavior - I am feeling unsatble psychologically. "What did I do wrong?" I feel pretty certain that the silence was due to something I did or that happened that I am responsible for. It creates a whole lot of emotional instabillity for me. I do this all the time. But I was thinking that rather than just hoping it doesnt happen again tonight To be a bit more assertive (not confrontational) and say something like:
You know last night when you got home from work...you seemed very distant and silent and I was wondering was it because of something I did that upset you? I also want to tell him that regardless of if it is me who was the cause or something else like a stressful day at work - that I am so sensitive that this kind of behavior from him sends me to a very scary place...every time... There has been some conditioning over time I beleive...he acts cold toward me, or pouty, or disapproving, orangry and I internalize it and it makes me crazy. Admittedly I "own" this (and perhaps need to go back to individual counseling), but I feel like it is in both of our best interests to be open and honest...That I may not be able to live in a home where this happens continuously. For my own well-being.
What does this sound like to you? I really think I want him to know that I would prefer to not live in a home where that pervasive cloud darkens everything. I am feeling very insecure about telling him this - but fear that if I dont what may happen someday is that i will just throw up my hands and exclaim That's it! and walk out the door.
The reason I want to say something today, is because it is fresh and I don't want to wait for two weeks til our next session. It's like I feel I have to look out for myself in some way...
Thanks for listening and I welcome your honest opinions about what/if I should do it.
We have been attending weekly, but now we wait two weeks for the next one.
My question/problem is this (and I need your advice)
When my husband got home from work last night there was pretty much coldness and silence...for a least 2 hours. It eased up a bit but then it was time to say goodnight and go to bed. Today - like many days after this kind of behavior - I am feeling unsatble psychologically. "What did I do wrong?" I feel pretty certain that the silence was due to something I did or that happened that I am responsible for. It creates a whole lot of emotional instabillity for me. I do this all the time. But I was thinking that rather than just hoping it doesnt happen again tonight To be a bit more assertive (not confrontational) and say something like:
You know last night when you got home from work...you seemed very distant and silent and I was wondering was it because of something I did that upset you? I also want to tell him that regardless of if it is me who was the cause or something else like a stressful day at work - that I am so sensitive that this kind of behavior from him sends me to a very scary place...every time... There has been some conditioning over time I beleive...he acts cold toward me, or pouty, or disapproving, orangry and I internalize it and it makes me crazy. Admittedly I "own" this (and perhaps need to go back to individual counseling), but I feel like it is in both of our best interests to be open and honest...That I may not be able to live in a home where this happens continuously. For my own well-being.
What does this sound like to you? I really think I want him to know that I would prefer to not live in a home where that pervasive cloud darkens everything. I am feeling very insecure about telling him this - but fear that if I dont what may happen someday is that i will just throw up my hands and exclaim That's it! and walk out the door.
The reason I want to say something today, is because it is fresh and I don't want to wait for two weeks til our next session. It's like I feel I have to look out for myself in some way...
Thanks for listening and I welcome your honest opinions about what/if I should do it.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I can only say what works for me, jehnifer.
I summon up all, my scrawny courage and ask, "Am I imagining that you are being cold and angry about something I've done or said? I know sometimes I mis-read you, and so I just thought I'd give you a chance to tell me if I'm doing it this time."
In my house, I have a 50-50 chance of getting it right. I'm hypersensitive to being "shut out" or "punished", and so I've learned that my first step is to ask whether I'm just telling myself a story that is not true.
I swear to you: half the time, the so-called "anger" exists only in my head. He has had a bad day at work, is feeling bad about something that's inside him, and I am taking it personally because of my baggage.
If he IS angry, it gives him a chance to say so, and to air his differences. And gives us a chance to talk about what's happening, and whether there is common ground we can find.
Are you 100% sure you're right that his moods are always about you?
Is there a way you can give him a chance to say what he's feeling, without taking it on yourself to fix?
Can you take good notes, so you can bring these situations to your marriage counseling, and work on agreeing on a concrete plan to get through moments just like these?
These are my questions for myself, and so I share them with you.
I summon up all, my scrawny courage and ask, "Am I imagining that you are being cold and angry about something I've done or said? I know sometimes I mis-read you, and so I just thought I'd give you a chance to tell me if I'm doing it this time."
In my house, I have a 50-50 chance of getting it right. I'm hypersensitive to being "shut out" or "punished", and so I've learned that my first step is to ask whether I'm just telling myself a story that is not true.
I swear to you: half the time, the so-called "anger" exists only in my head. He has had a bad day at work, is feeling bad about something that's inside him, and I am taking it personally because of my baggage.
If he IS angry, it gives him a chance to say so, and to air his differences. And gives us a chance to talk about what's happening, and whether there is common ground we can find.
Are you 100% sure you're right that his moods are always about you?
Is there a way you can give him a chance to say what he's feeling, without taking it on yourself to fix?
Can you take good notes, so you can bring these situations to your marriage counseling, and work on agreeing on a concrete plan to get through moments just like these?
These are my questions for myself, and so I share them with you.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
Honestly, the most effective approaches I've ever tried regarding getting heterosexual men to communicate with me are these:
1. Don't second guess.
2. Let them sulk. If there is a problem, eventually they will come to you about it.
My boyfriend-- whom I strongly suspect has Asperger syndrome-- just told me that he wants our relationship to be closer and more involved. I was astounded. This is a from a man who needs more personal space than a herd of buffalo.
If the coldness and silence followed by you asking him what's wrong is a frequent pattern, you could try letting him initiate communication. But if this is something new, I would ask directly. Once. If he growls, "Nothing's wrong," take that answer at face value, even if you know it's not true.
Good luck-- and I wish I had been as wise as you about not making major decisions without giving counseling a chance.
1. Don't second guess.
2. Let them sulk. If there is a problem, eventually they will come to you about it.
My boyfriend-- whom I strongly suspect has Asperger syndrome-- just told me that he wants our relationship to be closer and more involved. I was astounded. This is a from a man who needs more personal space than a herd of buffalo.
If the coldness and silence followed by you asking him what's wrong is a frequent pattern, you could try letting him initiate communication. But if this is something new, I would ask directly. Once. If he growls, "Nothing's wrong," take that answer at face value, even if you know it's not true.
Good luck-- and I wish I had been as wise as you about not making major decisions without giving counseling a chance.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 215
I hear what you guys are saying...let it be...what i need to focus on caring for is how it affects me and what to do about that.
if staying away from the moody iceberg feels better to me than sitting on the couch with him watching tv in silence then that is what I am going to do. touche. ive got better things to do with my life and my precious moments in this world than to stick close to an unhappy/unfulfilled grumpy archie bunker and be negatively affected. i DO NOT believe for a second that in every home wives or other adults have this same thing going on...to just about every other day face the sulks...its not normal and its not healthy for anyone.. please tell me this is not the norm. i get angry only in order to tell myself its OK to feel like I dont want it.
if staying away from the moody iceberg feels better to me than sitting on the couch with him watching tv in silence then that is what I am going to do. touche. ive got better things to do with my life and my precious moments in this world than to stick close to an unhappy/unfulfilled grumpy archie bunker and be negatively affected. i DO NOT believe for a second that in every home wives or other adults have this same thing going on...to just about every other day face the sulks...its not normal and its not healthy for anyone.. please tell me this is not the norm. i get angry only in order to tell myself its OK to feel like I dont want it.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
No, I do not think everybody faces the sulks every day.
But I explained how I verify that it is indeed the sulks before I jump to that conclusion.
It also helps, in the unlikely event I'm wrong (
) because it shows him that I care whether he's had something unhappy in his day.
But if you are absolutely, positively, 1000% sure that his moods are all about you, and that he's sulking just to hurt you, then yeah, I'd say you have two choices: Learn to avoid-and-detach, or decide you don't want to live with it.
I have lived in past lives with "Mr. Sunshine" there, and I wouldn't do that again for anything. It either needs to change, or I need to go.
I'd certainly document this behavior and bring it up in counseling. You two may be able to find a way to melt through this iceberg through an agreed-upon set of actions and words - and it'd be good to know if there's a way around this.
But I explained how I verify that it is indeed the sulks before I jump to that conclusion.
It also helps, in the unlikely event I'm wrong (
) because it shows him that I care whether he's had something unhappy in his day.But if you are absolutely, positively, 1000% sure that his moods are all about you, and that he's sulking just to hurt you, then yeah, I'd say you have two choices: Learn to avoid-and-detach, or decide you don't want to live with it.
I have lived in past lives with "Mr. Sunshine" there, and I wouldn't do that again for anything. It either needs to change, or I need to go.
I'd certainly document this behavior and bring it up in counseling. You two may be able to find a way to melt through this iceberg through an agreed-upon set of actions and words - and it'd be good to know if there's a way around this.
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
Posts: 2,529
My take is that silence is not always golden; it may ( or may not) be a form of emotional manipulation, that you can take positive action to counter. Don't let guilt or fear affect you. Talk it out??!! Bring it up in counseling if you are not comfortable discussing it with your sig other alone.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
It's Just Not You
I've learned that at least 95% of the time, when someone else is sulking or in a bad mood or unresponsive, it's got NOTHING to do with me. Isn't your husband not drinking? Therein might lie the "problem."
I also have learned that when it comes to talking with men, and especially alcoholic men, LESS IS MORE. If you want to talk about how you feel, grab a girlfriend and head out for coffee, or call your girlfriend out of earshot and talk and complain to her.
And when other people are being poopy with me, what I do is extend myself out to them in the most casual manner I can, "Hey, is everything OK?" or "Is there something I can get ya'? Make you a sandwich?" These little casual gestures go a very long way in my relationships.
I agree with other posters that you may benefit by working on taking ownership of your own feelings, without including him. He cannot control your feelings; he does not make you scared. You make you scared. And to assign responsibility for managing your feelings to SOMEONE ELSE, husband or not, is selfish. (I don't say that in a mean way). He's got his OWN issues that he obviously has a very difficult time managing on his own.
Take care of yourself!
I also have learned that when it comes to talking with men, and especially alcoholic men, LESS IS MORE. If you want to talk about how you feel, grab a girlfriend and head out for coffee, or call your girlfriend out of earshot and talk and complain to her.
And when other people are being poopy with me, what I do is extend myself out to them in the most casual manner I can, "Hey, is everything OK?" or "Is there something I can get ya'? Make you a sandwich?" These little casual gestures go a very long way in my relationships.
I agree with other posters that you may benefit by working on taking ownership of your own feelings, without including him. He cannot control your feelings; he does not make you scared. You make you scared. And to assign responsibility for managing your feelings to SOMEONE ELSE, husband or not, is selfish. (I don't say that in a mean way). He's got his OWN issues that he obviously has a very difficult time managing on his own.
Take care of yourself!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
It seems to me from past posts of yours that this is a technique he likes to use on you, no? He knows it rattles you, and it appears to me it's his way of punishing you (for lack of a better term).
Let the big baby sulk, and go do your own thing!
:ghug2
Let the big baby sulk, and go do your own thing!
:ghug2
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
The angry silent treatment is what my H did when we were still living together. He could radiate so much negative energy it made it hard to be in the house with him. As a codependent I sometimes feel like an emotional sponge - I just suck up whatever negativity he was sending out. It was an awful feeling.
Learning to let go of whatever HE is doing is hard, but it is healthy. You have it exactly right, you don't have to sit with Grumpy on the couch! You can go do something YOU like and enjoy, something that fulfills your needs! You are definitely on the right track Jehn! Keep it up!
Learning to let go of whatever HE is doing is hard, but it is healthy. You have it exactly right, you don't have to sit with Grumpy on the couch! You can go do something YOU like and enjoy, something that fulfills your needs! You are definitely on the right track Jehn! Keep it up!
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