In relationship with A...need to understand
Detached since 10.13.09
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: NW Illinois
Posts: 20
In relationship with A...need to understand
This is my first time 'involved' with an A - someone I was friends with in college 20 years ago. We were good school friends & liked each other back then, but both w/other people and we never connected, lost touch after graduation - and ironically found him 20 years later, single - and & he right up front told me he had a crush on me back then. Long story short - we met up for the first time within 48 hours, spark was still there & we enjoyed that kiss we never had, and began 'dating'.
First weekend at my place for 2-3 days, I noticed he ran through that bottle in one day. He lost his job due to it closing, shortly after we began dating. He said he was on 'vacation' & having 'cocktails'. I let it slide, he was cleaning my house and cooking, etc. - very functional, which is why it took me a few weeks to notice a problem. Next weekend - same amount, this continued for a few more weeks. We said the 'L' word a couple of weeks in, which he thought too soon but the feelings were there from so long ago. It seemed real. (BTW, we're both 39 & have been married prior and are relatively intelligent people).
About week 4 into the relationship (which is what I can only assume it was if you spend 3-5 days a week with that person & say the 'L' word all the time & text all the time when you're not with each other) I had reached my limit with the bottle, noticing his not so nice moods when saturated. I had a meltdown 31 days in, accused him of being an A - which he agreed he was & just needed more time, give him more time - I was his 'rehab' - have faith in him. He's not in AA, he's drinking 8x the daily recommended levels, from morning til night, says he'll kick it on his own, was hospitalized for two weeks 18 months ago for alcohol poisoning - and claims he's not like that anymore.
Our communications continued as normal, spent the next weekend together as normal, same amount consumed & now the smell is bothering me. I'm not a drinker, maybe a beer every six months or a glass of wine if eating out. That friday night I went to an Al-Anon meeting to gain some understanding - picked up my Daily Reader & learned what I needed to not push away & how to change my attitude, because I do truly love him. A week after the confrontation, his family calls me to ask if I knew he had a problem - which snowballed into many hours of conversation, realizations, pieces put together - and we knew who his enablers were, his 'best friends' , & I drove to the enablers home to enlighten them to the situation, & ask would they please not enable him - as they are his 'refuge' to indulge 'openly without judgement', (as he cannot indulge at home due to the past 18 months, and he won't overdue round family gatherings - only my home & the enablers.) They were in denial, said they would not enable him, they 'accept him for who he is' but would not step back which they need to do if he's going to hit rock bottom. And yes I do know there is nothing we can do as s/o's and it's all on the 'A' but there IS very minimal we CAN do, and that is what I was striving for at best. She said she would not let him know I was there - she lied to my face & he knew right away by text.
We went out for lunch 3 days later, he seemed sober, said he did some soul searching the last 2 days (since she told him) & was sober (?) for those days... he came over next day for the weekend & right away wreaked, bottle in hand, I told him I could smell it, he said 'how, I'm chewing gum' - which affirmed it & we finally had the 'talk' about my visit to the 'enablers'. I was honest with him, said they did not have his best interests in mind & I did not trust her. He said they were good people, he made a comment that sometimes people need to move on - I didn't know who he meant by that and still don't. We both relaxed & continued on with our evening, though I could tell he was thinking and a bit removed all night, still consumed the same, but still respected me & interacted with me as usal. Next morning he was still thinking, still consuming & finally after a few hours got a call to rush home to take his uncle to the ER - nice coincidence even though it is true - and he called me later, told me he loved me... and the very next day - it was texting only all about him, never asked how I was - the next few days only by text (he seemed sober these days) & no more that he 'missed me' or 'xo's' nor that he loved me... which was common everyday practice up to this point & I finally called him after 4 days & asked him if he still loved me - he said yes, did not respond with an I love you & said he didn't know I needed to hear it all the time. There hasn't been a day in these 6 weeks we haven't talked - and it seems he'll only text me if I text him first, he doesn't want to talk on the phone, and when I asked him why he's pulled back this week, his retort was we both lead 'busy lives' and he's been busy & 'enlightenment is A funny thing'. He's not working, all he does is go to the gym twice a day & hang around the house with his uncle and grandmother & help them out. He's letting me believe we're still together even though he doesn't talk to me & he won't remove our fbook 'in relationship with' status. I've gone the whole day today not contacting him & I know he won't contact me.
I know I should be smarter than this - now that I have typed it out and reread it a few times - but how does a grown adult A go from full blown 'in love' and all the sentiments that go with it & talking about getting married in the future, to keeping the 'relationship going' with civil texting converstation? Why would anyone want to keep anything going when its very blatant that its over on his side? I see that he's just a coward... but I don't know how A's think and we were such good friends 20 years ago & he would not treat me this way & he's said over and over he was in love with me for 20 years... I don't know if he's sober right now, I don't know what his enlightenment is other than 'wide eyed vision & understanding', I do know he's started popping vicodin now... and I don't know if I should just let this slide a few more days to see what he does - or if I should just ask him to meet me somewhere & end it, so I can give him his few personal items back? I'm insane needing closure or an explanation why he's done a 180. Again I don't know if he's in any type of recovery - his actions are so strange that is why I come to this forum for help today. Would going into recovery (whether self or AA) cause someone to do a 180 and NOT tell the other person? I'm so confused at this point. I don't know if this is part of the process, or if I just got dumped by a coward who thinks I'm just going to fade away.
Thanks for letting me ramble if anyone could shed some light it would be much appreciated...
First weekend at my place for 2-3 days, I noticed he ran through that bottle in one day. He lost his job due to it closing, shortly after we began dating. He said he was on 'vacation' & having 'cocktails'. I let it slide, he was cleaning my house and cooking, etc. - very functional, which is why it took me a few weeks to notice a problem. Next weekend - same amount, this continued for a few more weeks. We said the 'L' word a couple of weeks in, which he thought too soon but the feelings were there from so long ago. It seemed real. (BTW, we're both 39 & have been married prior and are relatively intelligent people).
About week 4 into the relationship (which is what I can only assume it was if you spend 3-5 days a week with that person & say the 'L' word all the time & text all the time when you're not with each other) I had reached my limit with the bottle, noticing his not so nice moods when saturated. I had a meltdown 31 days in, accused him of being an A - which he agreed he was & just needed more time, give him more time - I was his 'rehab' - have faith in him. He's not in AA, he's drinking 8x the daily recommended levels, from morning til night, says he'll kick it on his own, was hospitalized for two weeks 18 months ago for alcohol poisoning - and claims he's not like that anymore.
Our communications continued as normal, spent the next weekend together as normal, same amount consumed & now the smell is bothering me. I'm not a drinker, maybe a beer every six months or a glass of wine if eating out. That friday night I went to an Al-Anon meeting to gain some understanding - picked up my Daily Reader & learned what I needed to not push away & how to change my attitude, because I do truly love him. A week after the confrontation, his family calls me to ask if I knew he had a problem - which snowballed into many hours of conversation, realizations, pieces put together - and we knew who his enablers were, his 'best friends' , & I drove to the enablers home to enlighten them to the situation, & ask would they please not enable him - as they are his 'refuge' to indulge 'openly without judgement', (as he cannot indulge at home due to the past 18 months, and he won't overdue round family gatherings - only my home & the enablers.) They were in denial, said they would not enable him, they 'accept him for who he is' but would not step back which they need to do if he's going to hit rock bottom. And yes I do know there is nothing we can do as s/o's and it's all on the 'A' but there IS very minimal we CAN do, and that is what I was striving for at best. She said she would not let him know I was there - she lied to my face & he knew right away by text.
We went out for lunch 3 days later, he seemed sober, said he did some soul searching the last 2 days (since she told him) & was sober (?) for those days... he came over next day for the weekend & right away wreaked, bottle in hand, I told him I could smell it, he said 'how, I'm chewing gum' - which affirmed it & we finally had the 'talk' about my visit to the 'enablers'. I was honest with him, said they did not have his best interests in mind & I did not trust her. He said they were good people, he made a comment that sometimes people need to move on - I didn't know who he meant by that and still don't. We both relaxed & continued on with our evening, though I could tell he was thinking and a bit removed all night, still consumed the same, but still respected me & interacted with me as usal. Next morning he was still thinking, still consuming & finally after a few hours got a call to rush home to take his uncle to the ER - nice coincidence even though it is true - and he called me later, told me he loved me... and the very next day - it was texting only all about him, never asked how I was - the next few days only by text (he seemed sober these days) & no more that he 'missed me' or 'xo's' nor that he loved me... which was common everyday practice up to this point & I finally called him after 4 days & asked him if he still loved me - he said yes, did not respond with an I love you & said he didn't know I needed to hear it all the time. There hasn't been a day in these 6 weeks we haven't talked - and it seems he'll only text me if I text him first, he doesn't want to talk on the phone, and when I asked him why he's pulled back this week, his retort was we both lead 'busy lives' and he's been busy & 'enlightenment is A funny thing'. He's not working, all he does is go to the gym twice a day & hang around the house with his uncle and grandmother & help them out. He's letting me believe we're still together even though he doesn't talk to me & he won't remove our fbook 'in relationship with' status. I've gone the whole day today not contacting him & I know he won't contact me.
I know I should be smarter than this - now that I have typed it out and reread it a few times - but how does a grown adult A go from full blown 'in love' and all the sentiments that go with it & talking about getting married in the future, to keeping the 'relationship going' with civil texting converstation? Why would anyone want to keep anything going when its very blatant that its over on his side? I see that he's just a coward... but I don't know how A's think and we were such good friends 20 years ago & he would not treat me this way & he's said over and over he was in love with me for 20 years... I don't know if he's sober right now, I don't know what his enlightenment is other than 'wide eyed vision & understanding', I do know he's started popping vicodin now... and I don't know if I should just let this slide a few more days to see what he does - or if I should just ask him to meet me somewhere & end it, so I can give him his few personal items back? I'm insane needing closure or an explanation why he's done a 180. Again I don't know if he's in any type of recovery - his actions are so strange that is why I come to this forum for help today. Would going into recovery (whether self or AA) cause someone to do a 180 and NOT tell the other person? I'm so confused at this point. I don't know if this is part of the process, or if I just got dumped by a coward who thinks I'm just going to fade away.
Thanks for letting me ramble if anyone could shed some light it would be much appreciated...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 273
Welcome coping123
You might get more responses if you start a new thread rather than attaching your post to an old one.
Please take time to read all the stickies at the top of the board as well as other threads.
I think you will see that your experience is not unique. You will find lots of support here.
Also if he is popping vicodin he isn't "sober", maybe he isn't drinking, but he's not sober.
You might get more responses if you start a new thread rather than attaching your post to an old one.
Please take time to read all the stickies at the top of the board as well as other threads.
I think you will see that your experience is not unique. You will find lots of support here.
Also if he is popping vicodin he isn't "sober", maybe he isn't drinking, but he's not sober.
Detached since 10.13.09
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: NW Illinois
Posts: 20
Thank you both. Thanks for moving my post too - newbieville here, sorry.
I combed through posts here for 6 hours last night, and found all of the same patterns & found some understanding to what has been happening. Very grateful for that. Never having dealt with this before, I looked to Al-Anon for answers, like a first timer... got discouraged since I am strong enough & sought out the answers on my own - how to cope w/it & if I even wanted to cope with it. I wish I would have found this site first - everything I need here. And to know I am correct with how I am coping. And that after only 6 weeks I can move on, since I refuse to be a part of this behaviour/lifestyle. Just breaks my heart to know that it wasn't real... no clue if his feelings were, and that hurts the most, since mine were... 20 years in the making.
BTW finally after 2 days he sent me a text. I know he's needy, looking to pull me in. I'm not going to even bother responding... funny how it came after just ten minutes after I changed my fbook status back to single.
I combed through posts here for 6 hours last night, and found all of the same patterns & found some understanding to what has been happening. Very grateful for that. Never having dealt with this before, I looked to Al-Anon for answers, like a first timer... got discouraged since I am strong enough & sought out the answers on my own - how to cope w/it & if I even wanted to cope with it. I wish I would have found this site first - everything I need here. And to know I am correct with how I am coping. And that after only 6 weeks I can move on, since I refuse to be a part of this behaviour/lifestyle. Just breaks my heart to know that it wasn't real... no clue if his feelings were, and that hurts the most, since mine were... 20 years in the making.
BTW finally after 2 days he sent me a text. I know he's needy, looking to pull me in. I'm not going to even bother responding... funny how it came after just ten minutes after I changed my fbook status back to single.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 273
Originally Posted by coping123 
breaks my heart to know that it wasn't real... no clue if his feelings were, and that hurts the most, since mine were... 20 years in the making.
The only thing I would suggest, is taking some time to analyze what was it about YOU that was so ready to be in love with some one who you hadn't had real contact with in 20 years.
I mean this with absolutely no criticism what so ever, as it is an issue I have dealt with personally.
Why was I in a rush to fall in love?
Was it really love?
Did I actually know the person?
How will I approach getting to know somebody (again or for the first time) when I am ready?
etc ....
Good luck and I'm sorry your heart is hurting. It is difficult when you let yourself care for somebody and then realize that the person you thought you cared about was really no more than an illusion.
Detached since 10.13.09
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: NW Illinois
Posts: 20
thanks everyone for the positive feedback!
Yes I know, falling in love quickly with someone you knew pretty well for 2 years, 20 years ago seems way out in left field... I had feelings for him back then, but never acted on them - although I remember being angered by something he did the end of senior year that let me wash those feelings away...
A day before I 'found' him 6+ weeks ago, I was in a bad state of self looking for a new path to focus on... I called out to the 'powers that be' to bring me my 'mate' because I'm done w/dating at this age... and the very next day I found him on fbook - I took it as a sign - since I believe there are no coincidences - that the universe brought me what I needed. Feelings that were there from 20 years ago flooded back immediately, and they were real. Those wonderful qualities were still there - those same qualitites I was essentially in love with 20 years ago.
So I want to say that I don't believe it was a rush to fall in love, it came naturally for me & yes I believe it was real - altho after the first time I confronted him 4 weeks in he started saying the L word through gritted teeth; I want to believe I did know him - the good parts of him, not what the alcohol had done to him - because he hid that so well, such an awesome functioning drunk he has everyone in his family fooled & everyone he meets.
How will I approach someone in the future? Haha... a running joke w/me - I've been done with dating for years, have no plans to even bother in the future. I was stung last year around the same time, by a High School friend I wound up dating for about the same amount of time... his libation of choice was scotch, and that ended up in my obtaining an order of protection - almost had to do that twice. Wasn't going to let this one even get that far.
Has this tainted my view of people? Yes. Will I be leary of trusting anyone in the future? Probably. Burn me once, shame on you... burn me twice - shame on me.
Yes I know, falling in love quickly with someone you knew pretty well for 2 years, 20 years ago seems way out in left field... I had feelings for him back then, but never acted on them - although I remember being angered by something he did the end of senior year that let me wash those feelings away...
A day before I 'found' him 6+ weeks ago, I was in a bad state of self looking for a new path to focus on... I called out to the 'powers that be' to bring me my 'mate' because I'm done w/dating at this age... and the very next day I found him on fbook - I took it as a sign - since I believe there are no coincidences - that the universe brought me what I needed. Feelings that were there from 20 years ago flooded back immediately, and they were real. Those wonderful qualities were still there - those same qualitites I was essentially in love with 20 years ago.
So I want to say that I don't believe it was a rush to fall in love, it came naturally for me & yes I believe it was real - altho after the first time I confronted him 4 weeks in he started saying the L word through gritted teeth; I want to believe I did know him - the good parts of him, not what the alcohol had done to him - because he hid that so well, such an awesome functioning drunk he has everyone in his family fooled & everyone he meets.
How will I approach someone in the future? Haha... a running joke w/me - I've been done with dating for years, have no plans to even bother in the future. I was stung last year around the same time, by a High School friend I wound up dating for about the same amount of time... his libation of choice was scotch, and that ended up in my obtaining an order of protection - almost had to do that twice. Wasn't going to let this one even get that far.
Has this tainted my view of people? Yes. Will I be leary of trusting anyone in the future? Probably. Burn me once, shame on you... burn me twice - shame on me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Hello coping and welcome to SR! I'm glad you are here. There is lots of support here.
Why would anyone want to keep anything going when its very blatant that its over on his side? I see that he's just a coward... but I don't know how A's think and we were such good friends 20 years ago & he would not treat me this way & he's said over and over he was in love with me for 20 years...
Unfortunately, with addicts they cannot love themselves enough so in return can't love someone back. Don't take what he is doing personal. Read around on how addicts/alcoholics are and realize that he is in active addiction. Nothing he does will make sense to you. It doesn't make sense to him. I know it hurts to have been sold the love game, but as the other posters mentioned above, take a look at how fast it went for you to fall for this guy.
I don't know if he's sober right now, I don't know what his enlightenment is other than 'wide eyed vision & understanding', I do know he's started popping vicodin now...
Then he's not sober.
and I don't know if I should just let this slide a few more days to see what he does - or if I should just ask him to meet me somewhere & end it, so I can give him his few personal items back?
Sounds like a good idea.
I'm insane needing closure or an explanation why he's done a 180.
You're not insane. If you go to this meeting seeking closure then make sure you walk away in closing it. If you think you will go and get sucked back into his drama, then stay away.
Again I don't know if he's in any type of recovery - his actions are so strange that is why I come to this forum for help today.
If his behaviors are still strange then I guarantee you 100% he is not in recovery. Recovery takes time, years. It's a process that doesn't happen in 2 days. Plus, he's using Vicodin which is the other red flag that he's not in recovery.
Would going into recovery (whether self or AA) cause someone to do a 180 and NOT tell the other person?
Sometimes it does because someone going into recovery has to deal with so many emotions, etc. that they need that time alone to focus. However, someone who is actively using and having someone telling them that they don't approve, will also have them wanting to isolate, pull away, etc. This is not your fault AT ALL.
I'm so confused at this point. I don't know if this is part of the process, or if I just got dumped by a coward who thinks I'm just going to fade away.
Not to sound harsh... but it honestly sounds like you got dumped by an active addict. TAKE THIS BLESSING GIRL AND MOVE ON. Maybe it's best if you just fade away. He actually did you a huge favor. Judge his actions in the next few weeks. If he stays gone and doesn't call and say I'm in rehab... then you will have your confirmation that he chooses to use and you will be relieved of his huge headache.
Thanks for letting me ramble if anyone could shed some light it would be much appreciated... You can ramble all you want. That's what we are here for. Hope this helps.
Make sure to take care of yourself during this time. It's important.
Originally Posted by coping123
Why would anyone want to keep anything going when its very blatant that its over on his side? I see that he's just a coward... but I don't know how A's think and we were such good friends 20 years ago & he would not treat me this way & he's said over and over he was in love with me for 20 years...
Unfortunately, with addicts they cannot love themselves enough so in return can't love someone back. Don't take what he is doing personal. Read around on how addicts/alcoholics are and realize that he is in active addiction. Nothing he does will make sense to you. It doesn't make sense to him. I know it hurts to have been sold the love game, but as the other posters mentioned above, take a look at how fast it went for you to fall for this guy.
I don't know if he's sober right now, I don't know what his enlightenment is other than 'wide eyed vision & understanding', I do know he's started popping vicodin now...
Then he's not sober.
and I don't know if I should just let this slide a few more days to see what he does - or if I should just ask him to meet me somewhere & end it, so I can give him his few personal items back?
Sounds like a good idea.
I'm insane needing closure or an explanation why he's done a 180.
You're not insane. If you go to this meeting seeking closure then make sure you walk away in closing it. If you think you will go and get sucked back into his drama, then stay away.
Again I don't know if he's in any type of recovery - his actions are so strange that is why I come to this forum for help today.
If his behaviors are still strange then I guarantee you 100% he is not in recovery. Recovery takes time, years. It's a process that doesn't happen in 2 days. Plus, he's using Vicodin which is the other red flag that he's not in recovery.
Would going into recovery (whether self or AA) cause someone to do a 180 and NOT tell the other person?
Sometimes it does because someone going into recovery has to deal with so many emotions, etc. that they need that time alone to focus. However, someone who is actively using and having someone telling them that they don't approve, will also have them wanting to isolate, pull away, etc. This is not your fault AT ALL.
I'm so confused at this point. I don't know if this is part of the process, or if I just got dumped by a coward who thinks I'm just going to fade away.
Not to sound harsh... but it honestly sounds like you got dumped by an active addict. TAKE THIS BLESSING GIRL AND MOVE ON. Maybe it's best if you just fade away. He actually did you a huge favor. Judge his actions in the next few weeks. If he stays gone and doesn't call and say I'm in rehab... then you will have your confirmation that he chooses to use and you will be relieved of his huge headache.
Thanks for letting me ramble if anyone could shed some light it would be much appreciated...
Make sure to take care of yourself during this time. It's important.
Detached since 10.13.09
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: NW Illinois
Posts: 20
Thank you URMYEVERYTHING - it does help immensely.
I realized last night why he pulled away - since he was no longer on a pedestal and the proverbial elephant was taking up the whole 'relationship', he knew I was no longer going to feed his addictive personality. Just sucks how he handled it, I've honestly have never been disrespected so much in my life. I just hope if he ever sobers up he'll realize how badly he treated me... not holding my breath though.
I had a huge weight lift this afternoon when he changed his fbook status back to single - about 5 hours after I did. I'm sure it was a relief for him too, so now he can crawl back into his bottle without judgement... I knew he never really wanted to stop - he even commented to his enablers that he'll never abstain from drinking.
I don't believe I'll ever obtain the closure unfortunately. I hope for it, desperately need it because I'm just that type of person, but since he pulled back to the point of not wanting to talk to me about anything, there's no way he'll even answer a phone call or return an email or text message about meeting up.
Having never had to deal w/an A before, it continuously surprises me how they all act the same way, every situation. It truly is a disease, effecting the mind, body and spirit. All I can do is wish him well, and hope he finds recovery, and be thankful I had some good moments w/him - even it most of it was an illusion.
Funny thing just an hour ago, his cousin invited 'us' to a BBQ on sunday... I had to let her know what happened, and they want me to come anyway. And I'm going, to talk a little 'business' w/her husband & possible free-lance work for me (yeah!). He already declined the invitation, so no closure to be had this weekend. I guess I'll just keep his things in the bag in the front closet and maybe someday he'll realize he's missing them.
I realized last night why he pulled away - since he was no longer on a pedestal and the proverbial elephant was taking up the whole 'relationship', he knew I was no longer going to feed his addictive personality. Just sucks how he handled it, I've honestly have never been disrespected so much in my life. I just hope if he ever sobers up he'll realize how badly he treated me... not holding my breath though.
I had a huge weight lift this afternoon when he changed his fbook status back to single - about 5 hours after I did. I'm sure it was a relief for him too, so now he can crawl back into his bottle without judgement... I knew he never really wanted to stop - he even commented to his enablers that he'll never abstain from drinking.
I don't believe I'll ever obtain the closure unfortunately. I hope for it, desperately need it because I'm just that type of person, but since he pulled back to the point of not wanting to talk to me about anything, there's no way he'll even answer a phone call or return an email or text message about meeting up.
Having never had to deal w/an A before, it continuously surprises me how they all act the same way, every situation. It truly is a disease, effecting the mind, body and spirit. All I can do is wish him well, and hope he finds recovery, and be thankful I had some good moments w/him - even it most of it was an illusion.
Funny thing just an hour ago, his cousin invited 'us' to a BBQ on sunday... I had to let her know what happened, and they want me to come anyway. And I'm going, to talk a little 'business' w/her husband & possible free-lance work for me (yeah!). He already declined the invitation, so no closure to be had this weekend. I guess I'll just keep his things in the bag in the front closet and maybe someday he'll realize he's missing them.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Sounds like you are getting there... It's hard... this I know... it's a betrayal and they aren't taken so easily. They take our breath away. Just remember to continue to work on you... the distraction goes away and you become stronger everyday.
I have learned to look at situations differently now that I have dealt with an addict. My RBF has disrespected me as well (he stole from me, brought drugs into my home, etc., etc.). Of course, I didn't catch on right away but it didn't take me long before I realized I had to detach. He was going to cling on to me for dear life if I let him. Just prepare yourself for him coming back (still using and feeling sorry for himself and/or clean). They somehow always make their way back for a little guest appearance. Prepare and educate yourself on setting boundaries. Once you find out what led you to this type of person, you will see it began with what you allowed in. Once you figure that out, then you will know what boundaries you will need to set to not let this happen again or get sucked back in.
I have learned to look at situations differently now that I have dealt with an addict. My RBF has disrespected me as well (he stole from me, brought drugs into my home, etc., etc.). Of course, I didn't catch on right away but it didn't take me long before I realized I had to detach. He was going to cling on to me for dear life if I let him. Just prepare yourself for him coming back (still using and feeling sorry for himself and/or clean). They somehow always make their way back for a little guest appearance. Prepare and educate yourself on setting boundaries. Once you find out what led you to this type of person, you will see it began with what you allowed in. Once you figure that out, then you will know what boundaries you will need to set to not let this happen again or get sucked back in.
Detached since 10.13.09
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: NW Illinois
Posts: 20
I've read in a lot of posts that the A's do come back, eventually... I could probably deal with that scenario, if it ever happened - I've built up a lot of defenses in the last few days and have indeed set some mental boundaries - part of me is hoping he does come back, since this all just 'faded away' - him conveniently bolting from my house w/BS excuses, and slowly every day pulling back to no contact at all - only to text me a last time to make sure that I was feeling 'miserable' that day.
Which then it hit me that most of what we talked about (in text of course) was him feeling sorry for himself & looking for me to 'pick him up' a notch... or he would complain about the family members he lives with or complain about anything at all. I realized he never really asked about me, was never concerned with 'how I was doing' - never used the right words. Which leads me to believe he didn't care about me at all... and now I can see the true selfishness of this disease and I ask myself - 'would I really want him to come back?' - even if for a guest appearance?
Since I am one of those people who need to get everything off my chest to know it's been said, and having realized that I will probably never obtain the closure I want from this situation - I went ahead and sent him a short message on fbook, summed it up in a few sentences that I'll share:
"Just for the record...
...you let go of my hand first.
You used both hands to push me away.
I tried to talk to you.
Regardless of what you think of me, I am in your corner.
My feelings for you are - and will always remain - real."
He had always told me he would never let go of my hand, and the way he pushed me away he truly had. Is it wrong to still let him know that I do care for him, regardless of what this disease has done to him? This one final time? Because I truly know deep down that he will never come back, even for that guest appearance...
I do feel better having sent him the message, and I was able to sleep well last night as a result.
Which then it hit me that most of what we talked about (in text of course) was him feeling sorry for himself & looking for me to 'pick him up' a notch... or he would complain about the family members he lives with or complain about anything at all. I realized he never really asked about me, was never concerned with 'how I was doing' - never used the right words. Which leads me to believe he didn't care about me at all... and now I can see the true selfishness of this disease and I ask myself - 'would I really want him to come back?' - even if for a guest appearance?
Since I am one of those people who need to get everything off my chest to know it's been said, and having realized that I will probably never obtain the closure I want from this situation - I went ahead and sent him a short message on fbook, summed it up in a few sentences that I'll share:
"Just for the record...
...you let go of my hand first.
You used both hands to push me away.
I tried to talk to you.
Regardless of what you think of me, I am in your corner.
My feelings for you are - and will always remain - real."
He had always told me he would never let go of my hand, and the way he pushed me away he truly had. Is it wrong to still let him know that I do care for him, regardless of what this disease has done to him? This one final time? Because I truly know deep down that he will never come back, even for that guest appearance...
I do feel better having sent him the message, and I was able to sleep well last night as a result.
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