Confused? Dazed? Pathetic?

Old 10-09-2009, 01:37 AM
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Confused? Dazed? Pathetic?

Well I feel totally pathetic tonight. I engaged in a psuedo-argument with my AAH. I say psuedo-argument because he was so loaded on H that he could barely carry on a conversation.

All he could say is that "something is missing from this marriage, and that he used to love me and that he tried all he could but that he couldn't do it anymore."

I haven't heard from him in nearly a week. He moved out over a month ago, but went to work for two weeks and during that time called and talked about coming home, how excited he was to come home, blah blah blah.

But then he let it slip that he had unfinished business over at his buddy's house and that this buddy would be picking him up from the airport and that he was going to spend the night there. I detached with love and said ok that sounded like a plan. I then went on to an Al Anon meeting.

So at three in the morning he comes banging on my window and wants to come home. Except he had done h and was still messed up on it, and I told him you said you were going to spend the night over at so n so's. Well he got mad and said fine I'll go back over there. I said okay, because that's what you said you wanted to do.

So he left. I never heard another word from him until tonight. He called the house on sunday and my cell phone but didn't leave a message, I was at church. So today, four days later I am beginning to get worried, and I wonder if he is in jail?? or what?

So I break down and call his cell phone with the excuse of finding out where the delinquent house payment is and he answers and tells me he is 1500 miles away in California! (with the excuse to see his son and granddaughter that he never has, but truth is he always stays with junkies and gets more stuff that he brings back up here) ! He said he cashed in his miles and I guess he must have sold some stuff or borrowed money, because everything he did was totally off the radar, not credit card charges, no withdrawals from the bank.

I asked him why didn't he even have the courtesy to call me and let me know? What if I had been in a wreck or our daughter had or some othersdisaster had happened--and he had no answer just started the same ol rote, how he didn't love me anymore, something was missing, blah blah blah.

And of course that hit my buttons, because I was already feeling weak because I didn't even matter to him for him to call. He just snuck out of town. And here I was so desperate to engage him, that I just kept doing all the stuff I have learned not to do.

Especially confront them when they are drunk or loaded. So of course he knows exactly what to say and he had it all turned around that that because I didn't let him in on Saturday to come home and detox that that meant our marriage was over and he just couldn't do it anymore and he was getting off the phone.

Of course I fell right into old behavior of crying, trying to make him feel guilty, telling him he was going to die, all of the classic old behaviors that I have always done and now I am so mad at myself!!

I am so mad that I just fell instantly right back into the old pattern! Why couldn't I just leave well enough alone? Why did I have to call him? Why did I give my power up to him? I opened myself wide to just let him hurt me and cut me with his words, and I couldn't hang up!

A few times my mind said STOP! Just end this conversation and get off the phone, but no! I stayed on, taking all his abuse! All his "I don't love you anymore" abuse and then he hung up on me!

I am so mad at myself!! I told him there were things around here that needed to be done and he said well that's the way it is in a divorce, things just don't get done that you want. I said, well we arene't divorced until the judge signs the papers and I'm still having to take care of your crap while you waste your time doing drugs! And then I told him I wanted one of our rental properties (we have four) because I am the one who manages them, and collects the rents and gets the repair men and all that stuff and whenever he writes out his divorce settlements he always keeps all the rentals for him self.

Well then he got really angry and snide and said, well I think you getting your house that you live in and the land that it is on is enough, but no, you want it all! And we don't need lawyers, and I'm not going to pay for one!

Ugh! I just feel so stupid for walking right into his traps!! And the sad thing is I don't want a divorce at all! I just want him to get well and stop this! But I can't live with him on H, there is no way.

I can't even take his meanness when he is detoxing off of it. And while I don't want a divorce, I also don't want to spend the next eight years like the last!

I wish with all my might I had not picked up the phone and called him. I wish I had not kept trying to make him engage that finally I picked an argument with him and then left myself wide open to his abuse and didn't get off the phone when it started.

I was so desperate to hear from him. I just wanted him to say I'm sorry, or I love you, or give me an excuse or something. Really, who was sicker??? ME!!!

I mean, I must be sicker because I keep trying to hang on and he has already moved on. (his words) I just feel like a freakin' idiot, and it's 12:30 at night and there is no one to call. God!!!! Why did I say the things I did to him? Why did I fall right back into that manipulative play with him!! Why did I leave myself wide open to his abuse and mean words?

I thought I was getting so well. Now I just feel like I am totally back at square one desperate for his love. I am so desperate!!!! I hate myself!!!

I don't even know if I care if we get divorced. I mean I have been doing really pretty well this month that he's been gone. I have been going to Al-anon, reading, reaching out in volunteer work once a week. I feel like I am really beginning to live. So why did I feel this need to open myself up to a person to just totally crap on me? What's wrong with me?? Up until tonight I was doing so well.

I just feel utterly hopeless. I knew not to engage him. I knew better. Why Why Why did I do it??? Why once he told me he was in California, did I just not get off the phone? Why did I continue on to where he got the upper hand and makes me feel like crap? I feel like a total loser!!!! Oh My God I just can't stand myself right now. Judas Priest!!!!!!!!

If this was one of my girlfriends I would be totally exasperated with her for calling in the first place. Now I have to put up with all his crap of everything I said on the phone getting thrown back in my face. No unfortunately he can't remember many things while on h, but always seems to remember whatever I said to him!!!!

Talk about one step forward and thirty steps back. What a complete moron I am. I can't stand myself.
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Old 10-09-2009, 01:53 AM
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Ann
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Aww, don't be so hard on yourself. We all want our addicts to get well and want our lives and our dreams to be normal again...but sadly, this just doesn't happen much when addiction is in the picture.

Addiction changes them and they are no longer the person we knew. Addiction changes us, and our minds and our hearts just cannot seem to agree on what is healthy for us.

What helped me more than anything was to find live meetings and surround myself with support by others who had been where I was. Learning to work a 12-step program literally saved my life and made it worth living again. It took time, it took work, but it was the best gift I ever gave myself. Maybe find some meetings in your area and give them a try, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Also, it might be a good time to see your own lawyer to know your rights and find out what you can salvage should this end up in a divorce situation. HE doesn't get to call the shots, the law does, and the law is there to protect you as well as him.

For now, take a deep breath and know that what you did was led by emotion and the loss of balance that we all find when dealing with life changing situations. It's a grief of sorts because life as we knew it is no longer our path and it's normal.

Hugs to you and prayers too that you can find a more peaceful place to park your mind.

Hugs
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Old 10-09-2009, 03:21 AM
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I like the words "life-changing situation" that Ann used. YOU no longer like the way YOUR life is going. YOU don't want to live this way for another 8 years. Even though you don't want the divorce, you have learned that for now it is the only way to stop going through these terrible, heart-wrenching, stomach-destroying experiences. It is the way to creating a peace and serenity in YOUR life, because YOU just can't take any more of those crazy-making conversations.

Fight for yourself. Create that calm place for yourself. Focus on YOUR serenity and what it will take to maintain it. You know that change is inevitable. At least YOU have the power to create the new change for yourself, the new life for yourself. Sure, it's scary to change, but anything is better than spiraling back down with your addict. Just as he needs to learn that life could be better if he just stopped using, you are learning that life will be better with no contact. Time for change.

And don't be upset with yourself. Maybe this is YOUR bottom. Maybe you are exactly right where you need to be to BEGIN the CHANGE.
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Old 10-09-2009, 04:51 AM
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Originally Posted by Puggrinz View Post

I then went on to an Al Anon meeting.

I was at church.

I have been going to Al-anon, reading, reaching out in volunteer work once a week. I feel like I am really beginning to live.
Pugg! A big warm hug to you! I was struck by how many wonderful and positive things you have been doing and so I have pulled them out of what you have written to remind you of your progress and that you are not back at step one.

I too do not want a divorce and yet the life my AH has choosen interferes with my personal boundaries and I left to take care of myself. It continues to be a long road .. I am still wishing he would call me and say he was sorry for all the pain he caused in my life. But the reality is - because of his addiction - he does not remember all the pain he has caused. And I don't need him to remember it - it is his issue, not mine. My pain is my pain. And I need to own it, process it and be kind to myself and care for myself so I can get beyond that pain. I have found on my journey that there were reasons I wanted to talk to him that had more to do with my own lack of self-esteem. I found a guy who would treat me like crap and I went back for more. Because I believed I deserved that. Your answers may be different as you work your recovery, but know that you are not a moron. You are a wonderful beautiful person and you have the right to live your wonderful life.

I agree with the above. Find out your rights on the property and stop taking care of his crap. You don't need to anymore. It is not your job. Your life is your job... don't get stuck on the "whys". Live today and decide what choice you want to make right now about caring yourself. Just for today...yesterday is gone and tomorrow is not yet here.
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Old 10-09-2009, 09:29 AM
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Pugg,

My exah was a heroin addict too.

There were MANY MANY times when I fell back into old patterns as I struggled to get my life back on track. It takes a long time to undo old patterns of behavior. The important point is that you recognize your behavior as unhealthy. You know a better way. You can brush yourself off and get back on track.

In the beginning, when I struggled with wanting to get thru to my ex, I learned to stop and play the whole tape from beginning to end in my head. I KNEW what the outcome would be if I tried to reason with my ex...if I tried to get some type of validation of my feelings...to reason with him about finances, our son, or anything for that matter...I always ended up angry, frustrated, and disgusted with myself. If I could just stop myself before I went down that path and recognize that the path is a dead end, I could stop myself from going there. It did get easier with practice and time. The struggles you face today won't always be so intense...as long as you stay on the path of YOUR recovery and YOUR truth.

I hope you cut yourself some slack. Give yourself the love and compassion you're hoping to get from him. It really does sound like you're doing so well and just suffered a minor set back last night. Learn from it and go on.

Hugs.
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Old 10-09-2009, 09:31 AM
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There were MANY MANY times when I fell back into old patterns as I struggled to get my life back on track. It takes a long time to undo old patterns of behavior. The important point is that you recognize your behavior as unhealthy. You know a better way. You can brush yourself off and get back on track.
This is true recovery.
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Old 10-09-2009, 10:18 AM
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Originally Posted by Puggrinz View Post

All he could say is that "something is missing from this marriage, and that he used to love me and that he tried all he could but that he couldn't do it anymore."

Could it be him?


So he left. I never heard another word from him until tonight. He called the house on sunday and my cell phone but didn't leave a message, I was at church. So today, four days later I am beginning to get worried, and I wonder if he is in jail?? or what?

And what if he was? Not a darn thing you can do about it, is there?

So I break down and call his cell phone with the excuse of finding out where the delinquent house payment is and he answers and .....

I asked him why didn't he even have the courtesy to call me and let me know? What if I had been in a wreck or our daughter had or some othersdisaster had happened--and he had no answer just started the same ol rote, how he didn't love me anymore, something was missing, blah blah blah.

And what if, God forbid, some disaster had happened, on the home front. What's he going to do about, what's done?

His heroin mistress demands loyalty. There is no room for him to love himself , let alone anyone else.

It is, as they say, not personal. It is addiction
.

And of course that hit my buttons, because I was already feeling weak because I didn't even matter to him for him to call. He just snuck out of town. And here I was so desperate to engage him, that I just kept doing all the stuff I have learned not to do.

Now I have to put up with all his crap of everything I said on the phone getting thrown back in my face.

You can put up with it, or not. It's your choice.

Talk about one step forward and thirty steps back. What a complete moron I am. I can't stand myself.
Don't be so hard on yourself. We are co-dependents in recovery training. You fell off the horse- just a blip, with consequences....feeling all bad and sad about yourself. And for most of us, we have to fall repeatedly before it starts to sink in.....When my boundaries, for me, are in place and when I let go of my own expectations about how others should behave, I will start feeling better about me.
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Old 10-09-2009, 07:15 PM
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Ah well I'm feeling kind of bruised and battered emotionally today after last night. But I have learned a few things:

1) Disaster happens when I jerk the reins from my higher power because I don't think things are going fast enough or how I think they should.

2) My disease and his disease had the argument/conversation last night. I know this because as I was talking I could see myself and I could hear myself and my HP was telling me to get off the phone, telling me to stop engaging the A/A while he was drunk/loaded but my dragon just had more strength last night.

So yes, I fell down. But I am back up today, bruised, battered, but in one piece. I am headed for Al Anon tonight.

I am back to no contact. I agree with the posting above that no contact seems to work for me. I know that until I get strong enough to not engage his disease (and I don't know if that time will ever come, might just always be no contact) it is essential that I have no contact. I have a lot more serenity in my life when I am not talking to or knowing what he is doing.

Thanks everybody. I felt in deep crisis last night, but I feel a LOT better this evening. I will go back to taking it minute by minute until I can do hour by hour then day by day.

I will try my best to not become one more victim of his disease. It has claimed enough lives.
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Old 10-09-2009, 07:25 PM
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YOU no longer like the way YOUR life is going.

Create that calm place for yourself.

Focus on YOUR serenity and what it will take to maintain it.

At least YOU have the power to create the new change for yourself.

Sure, it's scary to change,

Anything is better than spiraling back down with your addict.

Words I want to live by!
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Old 10-10-2009, 12:10 AM
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I just wanted to say thanks to peaceteach for these inspiring words that I posted above. I was trying to do a quote, but somehow it didn't work out. So thanks PeaceTeach!!
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