Help Me Stand Strong
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
Help Me Stand Strong
I'll try to make this as short as possible....
My ex is quite upset and angry right now because he was just informed that back child support will now be taken out of his unemployment check.
Next issue: he has had his license/plates suspended because the state says he is driving w/o proof of insurance. Don't know if that is true, don't care. But the reason he is having a frickin' hissy and harassing me now is because I have refused to drive him to the child support office so he can yell at them about taking all of his money.
#1 - Mechanic said to me "Car is old - needs lots of work. Don't take it far".
#2 - I have around $70 to last me a week. Need it for gas to get to work.
#3 - I have no intention of getting into a car with someone who blames me for everything. Won't get yelled at in my home or my car by anyone. My boundary - just deal.
I told him I wouldn't drive him. Many times. He just keeps on me. No matter how many times I say no, he doesn't care, he just keeps on me about it. Finally told him to stop harassing me. Didn't like that much.
Last night was my first night at home with the kids in 4 nights straight. They had to listen to me on the phone with the ex. Kids all upset, night completely ruined. Because he can't pay for his portion of the babysitter's fees, he has been watching them while I work overnights. I guarantee this will be held as a club over my head and contacted my babysitter about it. Agreed to take a lesser fee for a short time until all this is resolved.
Having to stand up to him just wrecks me. I hate it - I get nauseous, shaky and anxious. And he will come at me over and over, waiting for me to break.
Almost everyone here on the F&F forum has dealt with this, I know. Help me stand strong, SR. I could really use some love from ya'll on boundaries, detachment and standing up for yourself and how all of that is not only OK, but appropriate. :praying
My ex is quite upset and angry right now because he was just informed that back child support will now be taken out of his unemployment check.
Next issue: he has had his license/plates suspended because the state says he is driving w/o proof of insurance. Don't know if that is true, don't care. But the reason he is having a frickin' hissy and harassing me now is because I have refused to drive him to the child support office so he can yell at them about taking all of his money.
#1 - Mechanic said to me "Car is old - needs lots of work. Don't take it far".
#2 - I have around $70 to last me a week. Need it for gas to get to work.
#3 - I have no intention of getting into a car with someone who blames me for everything. Won't get yelled at in my home or my car by anyone. My boundary - just deal.
I told him I wouldn't drive him. Many times. He just keeps on me. No matter how many times I say no, he doesn't care, he just keeps on me about it. Finally told him to stop harassing me. Didn't like that much.
Last night was my first night at home with the kids in 4 nights straight. They had to listen to me on the phone with the ex. Kids all upset, night completely ruined. Because he can't pay for his portion of the babysitter's fees, he has been watching them while I work overnights. I guarantee this will be held as a club over my head and contacted my babysitter about it. Agreed to take a lesser fee for a short time until all this is resolved.
Having to stand up to him just wrecks me. I hate it - I get nauseous, shaky and anxious. And he will come at me over and over, waiting for me to break.
Almost everyone here on the F&F forum has dealt with this, I know. Help me stand strong, SR. I could really use some love from ya'll on boundaries, detachment and standing up for yourself and how all of that is not only OK, but appropriate. :praying
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Stay strong! Of course you are doing the right thing!
Do you have to talk to him? Can you just hang up when he starts on you? Can you try detaching and not engaging with his arguing? Lots of posts on other threads talk about handy phrases to use to help with this.
He's a grown up and not your responsibility. Don't let him bully you - cos that's what he is trying to do. You can do this. :ghug3
Do you have to talk to him? Can you just hang up when he starts on you? Can you try detaching and not engaging with his arguing? Lots of posts on other threads talk about handy phrases to use to help with this.
He's a grown up and not your responsibility. Don't let him bully you - cos that's what he is trying to do. You can do this. :ghug3
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
You feel drained from engaging with him over and over. He is stealing your precious energy.
You just need a new boundary. Your time at home with your children in precious. Your home is your santuary. Do not engage in conversations with him (or anyone) that rob you of your energy. Take control of your time at home with your family.
You are worth it!
P. S. Remember "NO" is a complete answer.
You just need a new boundary. Your time at home with your children in precious. Your home is your santuary. Do not engage in conversations with him (or anyone) that rob you of your energy. Take control of your time at home with your family.
You are worth it!
P. S. Remember "NO" is a complete answer.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
Pelican has it right, "No." That's all. You don't owe this man anything and you don't have to justify your boundaries to him.
His panic and anxiety over his own financial issues are HIS issues to deal with. He is taking it out on you and that is not appropriate. That is abuse.
Hang in there, DM. You ARE strong.
His panic and anxiety over his own financial issues are HIS issues to deal with. He is taking it out on you and that is not appropriate. That is abuse.
Hang in there, DM. You ARE strong.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
I wouldn't talk to him at all except right now he watches the kids while I work overnights. Believe me, the minute DS graduates from high school (right now he is just a sprout), I hope to never speak to him again.
He is expecting me to stay home today and hang around over the phone in case I am needed to confirm things with the CS office. I was gonna be home today anyway cause I'm broke, so I am gonna dye my hair, give myself a facial, watch a movie I like and clean the kid's room.
He is expecting me to stay home today and hang around over the phone in case I am needed to confirm things with the CS office. I was gonna be home today anyway cause I'm broke, so I am gonna dye my hair, give myself a facial, watch a movie I like and clean the kid's room.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Isn't it always surprising how someone's else's incompetance, irresponsible behavior and mistakes in life, gets hurled at us to sort out for them, and is considered our fault.
"Sorry! Not accepting unpleasant packages, they are yours, so you can have them back. (As I hurl those bundles hard, back where they belong.)
Go ahead and enjoy pampering yourself. I just hope the CS don't call you while you are half way thru the hair dye process, or you could get an interesting result.
God bless
"Sorry! Not accepting unpleasant packages, they are yours, so you can have them back. (As I hurl those bundles hard, back where they belong.)
Go ahead and enjoy pampering yourself. I just hope the CS don't call you while you are half way thru the hair dye process, or you could get an interesting result.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I am terrible at confrontation, dirtmagnet. I know that lots of us here are bad at it. The physical symptoms are just as you describe.
I literally had to look at "necessary confrontation" like this as a skill I needed to learn. So over the years, I had to treat it like learning how to do any other thing in life I was bad at. I had to brace myself to go into it, step outside my body while I was doing it, and treat myself VERY well when I came through it. There's a great post on the ACOA forum about confronting one's A mother -- the poster describes a way she's learned to step outside of herself and really see what's going on, and it helps her through confrontation.
And just think how things would be if you DIDN'T fear confronting him.
Right now, you'd just be shrugging and saying "Sorry...you did this, and now you have to deal with it." And you'd be off to dye your hair. Right?
Small steps. Today you may be shaky, but if you look at it as a necessary practice, and (for example) try to shorten the amount of time you spend shaky and nauseous afterwards by quickly moving your brain into another place (into music, into a movie, into some kind of good self-help reading), you start teaching yourself on a cellular level that confrontation isn't fatal. It IS something that can be learned, tiny step by tiny step.
For now, just know that everything people say here is true. He's capable of getting to the office himself, he just doesn't want to be inconvenienced by having to explore other options. Don't be afraid to do more of your "harassment" statements - he needs to start learning the language of what it is he's doing.
I would still keep my eye on the prize, which is looking for a way to get him out of the 'babysitter' role and out of your daily life. Will this child support allow you to do that?
I literally had to look at "necessary confrontation" like this as a skill I needed to learn. So over the years, I had to treat it like learning how to do any other thing in life I was bad at. I had to brace myself to go into it, step outside my body while I was doing it, and treat myself VERY well when I came through it. There's a great post on the ACOA forum about confronting one's A mother -- the poster describes a way she's learned to step outside of herself and really see what's going on, and it helps her through confrontation.
And just think how things would be if you DIDN'T fear confronting him.
Right now, you'd just be shrugging and saying "Sorry...you did this, and now you have to deal with it." And you'd be off to dye your hair. Right?
Small steps. Today you may be shaky, but if you look at it as a necessary practice, and (for example) try to shorten the amount of time you spend shaky and nauseous afterwards by quickly moving your brain into another place (into music, into a movie, into some kind of good self-help reading), you start teaching yourself on a cellular level that confrontation isn't fatal. It IS something that can be learned, tiny step by tiny step.
For now, just know that everything people say here is true. He's capable of getting to the office himself, he just doesn't want to be inconvenienced by having to explore other options. Don't be afraid to do more of your "harassment" statements - he needs to start learning the language of what it is he's doing.
I would still keep my eye on the prize, which is looking for a way to get him out of the 'babysitter' role and out of your daily life. Will this child support allow you to do that?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 273
I once received an email from my stbexh which said:
"no is not an acceptable answer"
Seriously.
It was in response to a scheduling conflict. No was the only answer.
One day I will dig up the email chain and post it here for all to see.
Oh, and he isn't an "A" just acts like one. (Yes, my therapist and I have sent much time discussing that little tid-bit)
I too suffered the physical discomfort and anxiety every time I saw en email from him or his number pop up on my phone.
Recently, I stopped taking his calls any time it wasn't convenient for me.
This means when I am with the kids, before bed when I am tired and wanted to get a good nights sleep, while I am having my morning coffee, etc ...
I do however say if you'd like to discuss x,y, or z I am free at these various times.
It really helps.
I still have to suffer through some uncomfortable conversations but I am able to have them when it suits me most and when I think I will be able to talk and then put it behind me and move on with my day.
"no is not an acceptable answer"
Seriously.
It was in response to a scheduling conflict. No was the only answer.
One day I will dig up the email chain and post it here for all to see.
Oh, and he isn't an "A" just acts like one. (Yes, my therapist and I have sent much time discussing that little tid-bit)
I too suffered the physical discomfort and anxiety every time I saw en email from him or his number pop up on my phone.
Recently, I stopped taking his calls any time it wasn't convenient for me.
This means when I am with the kids, before bed when I am tired and wanted to get a good nights sleep, while I am having my morning coffee, etc ...
I do however say if you'd like to discuss x,y, or z I am free at these various times.
It really helps.
I still have to suffer through some uncomfortable conversations but I am able to have them when it suits me most and when I think I will be able to talk and then put it behind me and move on with my day.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I guarantee this will be held as a club over my head and contacted my babysitter about it. Agreed to take a lesser fee for a short time until all this is resolved.
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