Popping in for support
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Sunshine State
Posts: 410
Popping in for support
Hi SR folks;
I have an addicted brother and I have been coming here to SR for a few years now. I just popped in tonight because I got a hurtful email from him, and I need to do some positive reading on the stickies so I don't react in anger.
This place has helped me so much over the years, as did going to alanon. I just don't want to slip into old patterns of co-de behavour. So here I am getting this stuff off my chest.
My a-brother was offered a fresh start on the West Coast, a dream job from his old college roommate. Well, the same pattern that has happened in various ways for years occurred again. He worked for him for a month or two and then his drinking and whatever else escalated and he simply walked off. The Friend eventually called my Mom and I to tell us, and asked us some questions about A-brother. A-brother had told crazy lies, that he had a child in the Philippines, that he had been running his own business, etc., none of which is true. We heard nothing from my brother for about 5 months, until a girl he was living with called to say he was in the hospital in a coma. He got pneumonia from pancreatitus and the doctor treating him put him in a medically induced coma. When his girlfriend called she also asked all sorts of questions, which I answered truthfully without the old apologizing or emotionalism I used to react with. I simply said, of course anything is possible, and my brother could have a daughter in the Philippines, but it is not likely and I have no knowledge of that. I just answered like that. She asked what his problem was and I said he has had a long standing problems with addictions to alcohol and drugs. I said, at one time he was diagnosed as bi-polar. I didn't go off on one of my nervous-guilty babbles of I wonder why...I'm so sorry he did this to you...Or I suspect he's more than bi-polar maybe sociopathic or has narcissistic personality disorder....Or he said/did what??? And all the other sad things that go through my head when I am confronted with the various aspects of his disease. When he was released from the hospital, he began calling my Mom mostly and us just a bit, wanting to come back to the city where our mom lives. I am so proud that my Mom told him she loves him very much but she could no longer help him financially. Then he called an old HS buddy/family friend asking for money to get back. His HS friend told him he wanted to talk to our mom or me first because something didn't sound right. After the HS friend would not budge, A-brother finally & reluctantly gave the friend our number and when he called with questions, which I answered truthfully. I said it's your decision to give my brother money, we do not anymore because nothing we do has ever helped only made things worse. He wanted to know if A-brother could live with my Mom if/when he came back and we told him that no, he was not able to live with any of us because of the problems he has and the help he needs.
Well, A-brother managed to get bus fare all on his own. I can't tell you what a HUGE step for us this has been. It is the first time we (my mom, husband and I) have kept totally hands off, and our detached but loving distance. I was actually close to considering sending him the money, but thank God that my Mom was strong, when I was weak, and that our old HS friend was wise also. Other times we would have sent the money, made him promise to get into rehab, let him stay a night or two at one of our homes. He had called at various times during his bus ride, because there were a few numbers on my caller ID that were from Northern CA, then TX. As the Good Lord would have it, we were never home to answer his calls. In times past we would have likely been so paralyzed with worry that we stayed close to home looking for news from him. And we would have called the numbers on the caller ID and tried to get a hold of anyone who knew anything about him. All the while avoiding living our own life and obsessing over his addiction that we can't cure or control.
He made his way back to my Mom's town where he went back into the Salvation Army Recovery program. He has told my Mom and his HS buddy variously that I am a devil, hypocrite and the person who ruined his life and relationship. That hurts but I keep reminding myself how sick he is.
I was checking my email tonight, FB friends were wishing me happy birthday, and among them there is a note from him, saying don't ever talk to me again. For a few minutes my emotions run the gamut from being angry, to feeling sorry for him, to being really angry, then guilty that I should have never said anything at all to anybody about him. On one hand I would love to cut ties completely, on the other I'd like to say, I love you no matter what and I'll be here if you change your mind. He is my little brother and I will always love him and hope and pray for miracles in his life. He is a selfish jerk for trying to make his alcoholic drama ruin my birthday. He is sick. So here I am dumping all of this off my chest and on to your messageboard!
Then I read this:
Thanks.
I have an addicted brother and I have been coming here to SR for a few years now. I just popped in tonight because I got a hurtful email from him, and I need to do some positive reading on the stickies so I don't react in anger.
This place has helped me so much over the years, as did going to alanon. I just don't want to slip into old patterns of co-de behavour. So here I am getting this stuff off my chest.
My a-brother was offered a fresh start on the West Coast, a dream job from his old college roommate. Well, the same pattern that has happened in various ways for years occurred again. He worked for him for a month or two and then his drinking and whatever else escalated and he simply walked off. The Friend eventually called my Mom and I to tell us, and asked us some questions about A-brother. A-brother had told crazy lies, that he had a child in the Philippines, that he had been running his own business, etc., none of which is true. We heard nothing from my brother for about 5 months, until a girl he was living with called to say he was in the hospital in a coma. He got pneumonia from pancreatitus and the doctor treating him put him in a medically induced coma. When his girlfriend called she also asked all sorts of questions, which I answered truthfully without the old apologizing or emotionalism I used to react with. I simply said, of course anything is possible, and my brother could have a daughter in the Philippines, but it is not likely and I have no knowledge of that. I just answered like that. She asked what his problem was and I said he has had a long standing problems with addictions to alcohol and drugs. I said, at one time he was diagnosed as bi-polar. I didn't go off on one of my nervous-guilty babbles of I wonder why...I'm so sorry he did this to you...Or I suspect he's more than bi-polar maybe sociopathic or has narcissistic personality disorder....Or he said/did what??? And all the other sad things that go through my head when I am confronted with the various aspects of his disease. When he was released from the hospital, he began calling my Mom mostly and us just a bit, wanting to come back to the city where our mom lives. I am so proud that my Mom told him she loves him very much but she could no longer help him financially. Then he called an old HS buddy/family friend asking for money to get back. His HS friend told him he wanted to talk to our mom or me first because something didn't sound right. After the HS friend would not budge, A-brother finally & reluctantly gave the friend our number and when he called with questions, which I answered truthfully. I said it's your decision to give my brother money, we do not anymore because nothing we do has ever helped only made things worse. He wanted to know if A-brother could live with my Mom if/when he came back and we told him that no, he was not able to live with any of us because of the problems he has and the help he needs.
Well, A-brother managed to get bus fare all on his own. I can't tell you what a HUGE step for us this has been. It is the first time we (my mom, husband and I) have kept totally hands off, and our detached but loving distance. I was actually close to considering sending him the money, but thank God that my Mom was strong, when I was weak, and that our old HS friend was wise also. Other times we would have sent the money, made him promise to get into rehab, let him stay a night or two at one of our homes. He had called at various times during his bus ride, because there were a few numbers on my caller ID that were from Northern CA, then TX. As the Good Lord would have it, we were never home to answer his calls. In times past we would have likely been so paralyzed with worry that we stayed close to home looking for news from him. And we would have called the numbers on the caller ID and tried to get a hold of anyone who knew anything about him. All the while avoiding living our own life and obsessing over his addiction that we can't cure or control.
He made his way back to my Mom's town where he went back into the Salvation Army Recovery program. He has told my Mom and his HS buddy variously that I am a devil, hypocrite and the person who ruined his life and relationship. That hurts but I keep reminding myself how sick he is.
I was checking my email tonight, FB friends were wishing me happy birthday, and among them there is a note from him, saying don't ever talk to me again. For a few minutes my emotions run the gamut from being angry, to feeling sorry for him, to being really angry, then guilty that I should have never said anything at all to anybody about him. On one hand I would love to cut ties completely, on the other I'd like to say, I love you no matter what and I'll be here if you change your mind. He is my little brother and I will always love him and hope and pray for miracles in his life. He is a selfish jerk for trying to make his alcoholic drama ruin my birthday. He is sick. So here I am dumping all of this off my chest and on to your messageboard!
Then I read this:
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Sounds like you (and your family) are doing all the right things.
It's always dicey when deciding how much information should be shared when asked. I know that I share nothing today unless it is with safe friends who already know or are in recovery. That said, if someone was about to put themselves in a vulnerable position with my son and they asked me questions that might influence their decision, I would be like you and give honest replies and then let them decide for themselves.
Not saying anything can be a lie and can enable the addict in their "stories". If I choose not to talk about it, I usually reply with something like "that's very personal and not something I can talk about, but you are wise to be concerned", which doesn't cover for them but allows me to maintain my privacy.
Keeping your brother in my prayers and I hope that rehab will bring him to a better path.
Hugs
It's always dicey when deciding how much information should be shared when asked. I know that I share nothing today unless it is with safe friends who already know or are in recovery. That said, if someone was about to put themselves in a vulnerable position with my son and they asked me questions that might influence their decision, I would be like you and give honest replies and then let them decide for themselves.
Not saying anything can be a lie and can enable the addict in their "stories". If I choose not to talk about it, I usually reply with something like "that's very personal and not something I can talk about, but you are wise to be concerned", which doesn't cover for them but allows me to maintain my privacy.
Keeping your brother in my prayers and I hope that rehab will bring him to a better path.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 273
What a story. It sounds like you and your family are on the right track and supporting each other and you are staying true to yourself.
I'm sorry to hear your brother took out his anger on you.
I have decided in my own recovery that I will not lie or make excuses for anybody in my life. When asked a direct question I will respond honestly unless I have been asked to keep a secret for a good/honest reason (medical test results/surprise party/personal information). I don't need to volunteer all the information but will share when asked directly or say you need to go ask so and so that question. I also don't gossip to one friend about another. If some one wants to complain about a mutual friend to me I can respond with various phrases along the lines of "I can see how that would be frustrating to you" etc and try to change the subject.
I have learned (really through my own actions) that when "you" do or say something it is not up to others to cover for "you" under any circumstances.
This has been very useful for my own moral compass as well. If I can't tell others my actions it makes me sit up and think "why" and examine if I need to adjust what I am doing.
I need to "own" my actions.
I will not cover for the actions of others (addicts or not) because they chose to follow a course (lying) that is now coming to bite them in the a$$!
It sounds like you stayed true to yourself and remained calm which is all anybody can do.
I'm sorry to hear your brother took out his anger on you.
I have decided in my own recovery that I will not lie or make excuses for anybody in my life. When asked a direct question I will respond honestly unless I have been asked to keep a secret for a good/honest reason (medical test results/surprise party/personal information). I don't need to volunteer all the information but will share when asked directly or say you need to go ask so and so that question. I also don't gossip to one friend about another. If some one wants to complain about a mutual friend to me I can respond with various phrases along the lines of "I can see how that would be frustrating to you" etc and try to change the subject.
I have learned (really through my own actions) that when "you" do or say something it is not up to others to cover for "you" under any circumstances.
This has been very useful for my own moral compass as well. If I can't tell others my actions it makes me sit up and think "why" and examine if I need to adjust what I am doing.
I need to "own" my actions.
I will not cover for the actions of others (addicts or not) because they chose to follow a course (lying) that is now coming to bite them in the a$$!
It sounds like you stayed true to yourself and remained calm which is all anybody can do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Sunshine State
Posts: 410
Originally Posted by outtolunch 
You and your family are an inspiration to me.
I was so surprised when she told me, every time your brother has been in re-hab it's because we encouraged it somehow, some way. This time let him do everything on his own.
Ignore the tantrum.
*changed for privacy
Last edited by BohemiMamaof3; 10-09-2009 at 03:12 PM. Reason: clarification
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Bohemi/EB, 
Reading your post brought back so many memories for me of so many addicts, alcoholics, brothers, friends, boyfriends, etc. I drove myself insane trying to help my one particular brother, like yours he is my "baby" brother.
I just got to the point though a few years ago where I realized that NOTHING I could do or say, or had done or said for 20+ years had EVER helped him and only ever brought me pain, chaos, discomfort, betrayal, etc.
So, at that last panicking moment, I hung up the phone and decided "No more." I went about 2 years I think without ever talking to him. Yes, it was hard and it hurt, but I knew I had to do it to save my sanity. He got clean on his own, with no help from any of us. In fact, none of us knew what he was doing because we ALL broke contact at about the same time. He had become that bad. (And there are 6 siblings total!)
I am so thankful to my Higher Power today and every day that my brother, my best friend from the moment he was born, my soul mate in life, got himself clean and sober.
Yeah, he's a little weird now and yeah, he still irritates me the way he has since he was about 7 years old (once he grew out of the "cute" stage) but at least I can maintain a somewhat normal conversation with him without panicking.
I so hope you get your little brother back someday. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. :ghug3
Reading your post brought back so many memories for me of so many addicts, alcoholics, brothers, friends, boyfriends, etc. I drove myself insane trying to help my one particular brother, like yours he is my "baby" brother.
I just got to the point though a few years ago where I realized that NOTHING I could do or say, or had done or said for 20+ years had EVER helped him and only ever brought me pain, chaos, discomfort, betrayal, etc.
So, at that last panicking moment, I hung up the phone and decided "No more." I went about 2 years I think without ever talking to him. Yes, it was hard and it hurt, but I knew I had to do it to save my sanity. He got clean on his own, with no help from any of us. In fact, none of us knew what he was doing because we ALL broke contact at about the same time. He had become that bad. (And there are 6 siblings total!) I am so thankful to my Higher Power today and every day that my brother, my best friend from the moment he was born, my soul mate in life, got himself clean and sober.
Yeah, he's a little weird now and yeah, he still irritates me the way he has since he was about 7 years old (once he grew out of the "cute" stage) but at least I can maintain a somewhat normal conversation with him without panicking.
I so hope you get your little brother back someday. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. :ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Sunshine State
Posts: 410
That gives me hope~thanks for sharing your story, Learn2. I guess this learning to detach thing has been more gradual for us that I realized. Years ago, when we quit giving money, or trusting him to live with us it seemed like such a huge step. And it was. But even the making of calls to local re-habs for him (instead of him doing it for himself) was us interfering. Even keeping him with us for an overnight and "encouraging" him to go to rehab, is us putting pressure on him. But I suppose we all had to go through all of that to get to where we are now. Stronger.
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