JustGettingBy

I've been reading posts in this forum for a little while now, trying to decide if I belong here. Somehow I feel I do, but I guess it's still a little hard to face it.

My husband is what I would call a functioning alcoholic. We have been married a little over 2 years. He has always drank on a regular basis. He can drink a lot before getting to the point that he would act or appear drunk. He has the one drink he likes and drinks regularly, but will drink other things once in a while.

Everything came to a head about a month ago. He also has horrible sleep apnea and had been self medicating with the alcohol as we went through the ridiculous process of trying to get him a cpap machine. Over the last several months he spent more and more time drinking and on the weekends he spent most of his time sleeping. When he would get up he would eat a little something and always have a drink.

I suffered from a miscarriage in August. After attempting to avoid surgical intervention, my body wasn't cooperating and I scheduled a D&C procedure. All he had to do was take me to the hospital that morning and be the "responsible adult" who would drive me back home again after. Just 15 minutes before we were supposed to leave (VERY early in the morning) he said he didn't know what was wrong with him but he couldn't wake up and could not manage to get me to the hospital and back. My sister in law ended up taking me, staying with me and bringing me home again.

The following day I took him to the emergency room. This stuff with his sleep apnea had so severely affected his health it could no longer be ignored. All the symptoms were there - the more he slept, the more sleep he felt he needed. He never got restful sleep because when he was asleep he stopped breathing. (The cpap machine is a long story for another time.) He had been diagnosed with severe sleep apnea - one of the worst cases the sleep center had ever seen. He was admitted to the hospital and they ran all kinds of tests. Everything was normal - EKG, CT scan, bloodwork, urine sample, you name it. Normal. Well, except for one little thing. His BAC content came back at .298. The doctor was furious. We were just liars wasting her time. I brought him to the ER because he was drunk? A social worker was called in, and the doctor would have nothing more to do with us.

It finally opened his eyes. He has a problem with alcohol. I took him to the regular doctor the next day, who prescribed some meds to help him get through the detox stage. He hadn't slept at all the night before (just the opposite of the way it usually goes) and was shaking, sweating, had chills, hallucinations, the whole nine yards. He admitted to the doctor his alcohol consumption was beyond his control and needed to be addressed. We have a 16 month old daughter and hope to have another. He has a family to provide for, live for, and we all want him to be healthy and a part of our lives. I thought it was a new beginning.

Within a week he had his first beer. We play pool and it was at our weekly league. Which makes things tough because once a week we're in that situation where "everyone" drinks and he has to be one of the guys.

Now he's convinced he can control it himself. After all, people who have two drinks a day are healthier than those who don't drink at all. The medical studies back that up. Of course, he's still drinking more than that, which throws the medical excuse out the window. But there is no telling him that.

So currently he is drinking but he's not drinking nearly as much as he was before. I know for a fact he's not drinking anything I'm not aware of because I control the family finances and have access any ways he has access to money, and neither of us carry cash so it's not like he's taking cash and then buying alcohol. So I'm aware exactly of how much he has access to.

I'm not sure where we go from here. He's not abusive or angry when he drinks. He's dependent, drinks more under stress (and we have a lot of that) so it's his coping mechanism. I can tell he feels he "needs" it, even if it's just a little. That's dependency.

So here I am.

Learn2Live

Hi GettingBy



I know you will find comfort here and people who understand what you are going through. My recommendation for you right now is to educate yourself as much as you can about alcoholism; there are plenty of good books you can read to better understand what is happening in your family. I also suggest attending Al-Anon for your own sanity. It helped me immensely.

One last thing, you may want to Google "Stages of Alcoholism" and read a little about the long-term effects of alcohol abuse.

Take care of yourself!

Daisy30

Hi! Welcome! You have come to a great place for support!

I agree with L2L. I found it very helpful to educate myself about the disease. Check out the "classic reading" stickies at the top of this forum. Two books that were quick, easy reads are "Marriage on the Rocks" and "Getting Them Sober". Al-anon rocks! you should give it a try!

I too came to these forums like you not knowing what to do, yet knowing there was a problem. Just wanting my husband back. I have learned so much here. And a lot has transpired in the 2.5 years that I have been on the boards.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It gets worse. Things I couldn't imagine 3 years ago are now my reality.

As far as his drinking, Alcoholics find all kinds of ways to keep you out of the loop as to how much they are drinking. My AH even drank Mouthwash. I am not suggesting your husband is doing this, but my AH did in an effort to conceal how much he was drinking.

Ah yes, my AH told me this all the time. Even before I realized he was an Alcoholic....hmmm

My AH also went throughthe stages of I will quit drinking, but can have a drink with the "boys" when we play cards.

Unfortunately some A's will try to control their drinking, they soon find out they can't. Once they cross that invisible line there is no going back. Either you are actively drinking or you are sober. I think the saying goes, "One drink is too many and not enough all at the same time"

(((((hugs))))) keep posting!

Learn2Live

Thanks for the share, Daisy, on the mouthwash thing. I had forgotten about that! They also will drink cough syrup for the alcohol.

Thumper

Hi, And Welcome! I've only been on this site for a short while but find it enormously helpful. L2L has given great advice so I'll just say go with that. I'll only add one thing. I read that you were planning on another child. Speaking from the experience I would suggest you wait with those plans until you and your husband work through this issue. You'll never regret that.

I do think you are in the right place and you are smart for coming here now. :ghug3

Thumper

I have total and sole control over the majority of our finances.

My husband would borrow money from people I knew, because he knew I'd have a hard time not paying them back.

He'd hang out with friends and family that would pay his way with regards to the alcohol.

He'd do favors in exchange for beer. Nothing sinister - I'll help you paint your house in exchange for a case of beer a day.

He is a good golfer. He sold his truck for a golf membership. This meant that his actual golfing was free and other people would buy his beer if he played on their team. Him being without a vehicle had many serious negative ramifications for him and his family - but that didn't matter. He trusted that I would take care of it. Because that is what I did. I took care of my family.

He as in control of his paycheck (when he worked). Plenty of beer money there. Because he didn't worry about mortgage and food. I did. I do. I take care of it.

IME alcoholics love their family. Their family just is not the priority. The beer comes first, then the family - maybe - if they aren't to stressed out and tired from to much beer, not enough beer, anxiety and other health problems because of the beer.....

Learn2Live

That is an awesome list, Thumper. I can see clearly the similarities between your H and my Ex. EVERYTHING he does, and every relationship he has, are to support ONLY the continuation of his addictive behaviors (alcohol, partying, crack cocaine, gambling, womanizing, sex, pornography...). And NONE of the people in his circle, including his family, can see what he is doing. I'm the only one. Oh, but of course, I removed myself from that circle.

coping123

I could have posted your exact reply Learn2Live - I too just realized my ABF was drinking the mouthwash... and I realized the same thing, that the only people he wanted in his life were those that catered to his lifestyle (womanizing/sex/binging/gambling/socializing-parties). And I have recently as today walked completely away from it.

Learn2Live

Good for you coping for walking away from that mess! Not to be mean but that is just so ridiculous that a human being would drink mouthwash; it makes me laugh at the ridiculousness of it!

puckettcg

I also control the finances in my house, but controlling the drinking is much harder than one might believe.

I dumped out all the medication in the house, shredded his credit card and took over his account on-line (I told him and I paid it anyway so its technically "authorized" in case any credit card companies are lurking), and transferred all the money out of our joint account into an account only I had access to.

He still managed to drink. After finding out he was using quarters to buy alcohol I searched the entire house for change and turned it in for cash (netted me $120). I took his truck keys away - he actually found the keys where I hid them and replaced the key with another key so I wouldn't know he still had his keys. He found some old checks in the house, and started using them - had to quickly transfer money to avoid bounced check fees. I learned about this drink called a Joose that for $2.99 you get a 48 oz "beer" that looks and smells like juice or gatorade but is 10% alcohol. I'm guessing most people have at least $3 in change laying around the house.

Honestly, it was starting to feel like one big game, and I finally decided I was wasting a lot of energy trying to figure out what he'd do next and how to stop him. He has his card back now, but not the bank account and I monitor his usage on his card. But, that's because I need to dig us out of the hole he created. If he wants to drink, he's going to drink. Took me a long time to figure that out though.

Daisy30

It makes me sad to see how far this disease can take someone. A caring, educated man is reduced to hiding mouthwash around the house and in his car.

JustGettingBy~ You said you didn't know where to go from here.
I would suggest taking some time and thinking about what you truely want. If his behavior doesn't change. Are you okay with that for the next 5 years? what about the next 15?

Keep posting

Daisy30

So true! THE 3 c'S

Thumper

Yes. It is only the beginning. I left out....

Taking checks from my account (that he was not on).

Using credit cards and debit cards that were not in his name.

Going to the bank to withdraw money from an account his name was not on.

Take all the cash from my purse.

Many many overdraws on my account and his. $1000 of dollars in charges over the years.

So I'd jump through all the hoops. Talk to the banks, hide the cards, shred the checks.

Then I had to stop giving the kids allowance money - because of course he'd 'borrow' that from their wallets too.

To try and control an alcoholic through the family finances is crazy making business, I know this from experience. It is very unhealthy. If I were to have looked at what I did from a fresh perspective (not one of living with him for years and years) I would think someone was completely loony tunes to accept such a situation - especially since it doesn't even work!

I'm so close to being free of that. That constant financial burden and stress of waiting for the bottom to fall out yet again. I can almost taste it I'm so ready for that part.

Learn2Live

I agree Daisy. It especially makes me sad to look at my Dad and know what he is doing and how much fun his life could be with five grandchildren. And to know how sweet and kind he is and see how he hurts himself day upon day upon day. But alas, my dreams are not to be...

Learn2Live

All these financial issues everybody has posted about being married to these addicted people:
Why I will never mix finances with ANYONE.

I have a question: I have a hard enough time keeping MY life and MY finances together. How does a married woman, with children, and all the same responsibilities for house, home, and work that I have , manage to keep her sanity all while doing all this CRAZY stuff trying to hold everything together that the addicted person is continually tearing apart? I would just LOSE IT!

Cowgirl1265

It is a mistake I will not make again, trust me!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Learn2Live

I have a question: I have a hard enough time keeping MY life and MY finances together. How does a married woman, with children, and all the same responsibilities for house, home, and work that I have , manage to keep her sanity all while doing all this CRAZY stuff trying to hold everything together that the addicted person is continually tearing apart? I would just LOSE IT!

We do. Lose it. A lot, sometimes.

JustGettingBy

Thanks to all for your replies. These are some of the things that make me wonder if I do belong here. I just don't feel I have it as bad as some of the stuff I've read here. Is that true? Is it my own form of denial? I honestly don't know.

I know he drinks more than he should, but I know he treats us well and because I'm with him nearly every moment he's not at work (he even comes home from work for lunch) I also know how much he drinks. He doesn't go out to the bars. We only go out once a week to play our pool league and I get the tab, so I know exactly what he's drinking and how much he's spending. He's not borrowing money from friends for booze (too proud about money, maybe it's just that he hasn't had to stoop to that yet). I would say about 99% of his drinking is done at home and at our pool league.

Money is very tight so I know exactly what's being spent. He would always ask if it was okay to stop at the liquor store on the way home from work when he was needing more. I do all the errands and for a long time I was even buying his booze. We don't go out much and when we do it's together. I think the last time he had a night out without me was his bachelor party. I know he got trashed that night, but really (unfortunately) isn't that kind of the point?

My main concern is that he seems to *need* the alcohol as much as he wants it. I get the craving. I have a caffeine addiction - not as serious or life threatening, but an addiction all the same. Before doing the math I agreed not to bother him about it as long as he stuck to one trip to the liquor store per paycheck. That's two 1.75 bottles every two weeks. Well, one drink of hard liquor is supposed to be 1.5 ounces (the size of a standard shot glass). That means a 1.75 bottle contains 39 drinks. So I've told him it's okay to have 39 drinks a week. Of course I didn't realize this at the time. And one bottle doesn't make 39 drinks for him - I'd bet each one he makes it about three times as strong as it should be. But if he sticks to this, it's less than he had been drinking. He's taken to drinking beer during our pool league - 4 this week and last week - he's drinking cheap beer which seems to make him feel that's okay, because it's cheap. While I appreciate the consideration of the cost factor, it's not really the important factor here. That means he's drinking 44 drinks a week. Two per day for the average adult male (or 14 per week) is the maximum according to the studies I've seen. So he's still way over the line on that way.

My mother just split from her husband of nearly 10 years, who turned out to be an alcoholic. After a fight they had she mentioned he drank too much so he promised to stop. That lasted a couple of days, at which point he was so horrible to be around she actually told him to go back to his beer, because he was impossible to live with when he went without. She told me that's not really an answer in my case, as she's aware that I really do want to spend the rest of my life with this man.

I really do. He is good to us, spoils me whenever possible, our daughter is the light of his life. He's smart and holds down a good job where they know how valuable he is. People in our social circle are very aware that he drinks a decent amount - but the majority of them drink heavily as well. Pool players, I'll tell you, the alcohol goes hand in hand with the game. That's not to say we're all alcoholics - I barely ever drink myself. But how many sporting events (we play on the national level) actually furnish alcohol to their player WHILE they're playing? It's a lifestyle, and as much as I love it, there are times I wonder if we would have to give it up if he were to truly stop drinking.

I guess I'm just rambling now so I'll stop.

hello-kitty

If his drinking is affecting your sanity, it's a problem. It really doesn't matter how much, where, who with, when, whether it's 44 drinks or 144 drinks.

Millions of people are affected by the excessive drinking of someone close. You may want to check out the following questionnaire, and if appropriate, take advantage of the resources available to you.

isurvived

you do belong here. Fact is it is good you are here EARLY.

You are at the top of a very slippery slide, while most of us have slid to the bottom. Trust in the witnesses you've read here, it does get worse. The disease is progressive. The heartbreak, worry and hardships you will endure over the years coming will age you, and have a profound effect on your children.

Sad but true.

Educate yourself. Keep your eyes wide open, go to alanon. Listen. Do it all for YOU and your child. Let him do what he's bound to do - whatever that is. You can't predict the future, but you can sure make decisions based on facts for you and your child's well-being.

Learn2Live

Hi again, GettingBy, Thought about your post awhile...

Lots of people like to think that someone they love is a "functioning alcoholic." But really, when it comes to alcoholism, there is no such thing. Of course they ALL function, it's just a matter of how well now and how well later. Alcoholism is a progressive, incurable disease. He may be "functioning" well according to your standards now but his functioning will invariably decrease as time goes on and he continues to drink. Everything you write about about your husband and his drinking speaks to the progression of his disease.

He has his one particular drink that he loves, and that drink really does it for him every time. He will drink something ELSE if he has to, but he will do ANYTHING to get alcohol in his system, favorite drink or not.

The fact that he can drink a lot before he actually appears drunk, tells us that his disease IS progressing. His body has built up a tolerance to the drug. With continued abuse, he will begin to feel withdrawal effects more intensely. For example, he drinks till drunk, goes to sleep, and when he wakes up drinks again to calm his nerves. Then he goes back to sleep.

Right now it sounds like this is happening to him just on the weekends. If he does not stop, it will occur around the clock. My father has been drinking non-stop since 1989 in three cycles per day: Get up, get drunk, pass out. Get up, get drunk, pass out. Get up, get drunk, pass out. EVERY day, seven days a week, 365 days a year, since 1989. Anyone care to do the math? I'm not good with numbers. GettingBy, sweetheart, THIS is where your husband is headed.

As for sleep apnea, alcohol consumption CAUSES sleep apnea. I doubt very seriously that the sleep apnea is WHY he DRINKS but rather the other way around. This may be what the doctor was so mad about.

His lack of ability to care for you when you miscarried is also an indication that he has a problem. I doubt he was just being irresponsible. He probably was too hung over to take care of his responsibilities. Not only that, if he had to drive you to the hospital, wait for the procedure to be done, and then drive you home, he would have to WAIT for his next drink, which he is probably incapable of doing. That is a symptom of his disease; it has nothing to do with his character or how much he loves and cares about you.

When you are drunk, you do not actually fall to SLEEP. You pass out. Some people think that because alcohol has a sedative effect that it is good for sleeping. It is NOT. It is the opposite. People who drink heavily, especially at night, have WORSE sleep, wake up more often, and never really wake up refreshed. I'm not a mindreader but I'm willing to bet that this man is using his "sleep apnea" diagnosis as an excuse to continue drinking. He never got restful sleep because of the drinking AND the sleep apnea symptoms the drinking causes. He's got the cart before the horse and so do you.

This man may BELIEVE he has a problem with alcohol but he is now doing what most alcoholics do: He believes in the fairy tale that he can CONTROL his drinking. Here is the first lesson for him: He cannot control his drinking and neither can you. You did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. The only way to beat this disease is to COMPLETELY ABSTAIN from ALL alcohol consumption. He is using all sorts of excuses, denial, blame, and rationalizing to avoid the problem. All this AND the alcohol consumption and the "irresponsibility" are going to get progressively worse.

Quote:

I'm not sure where we go from here.

A good place to start for him: Alcoholics Anonymous. You cannot just detox yourself and expect that this disease is just going to magically go away. He has to WANT to get sober and has to be WILLING to do the work to get sober.
A good place to start for you: Al-Anon.

Really, there are no valid excuses. These meetings are free, they are local, and they are for people who want to quit drinking and people who are affected by another person's drinking. I highly suggest you go to one tomorrow.

P.S. I agree completely with Anvil. I would not accompany him, pay for, or otherwise support him in anything associated with the continuance of his disease.