needing to be needed
believer
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
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needing to be needed
I had a light bulb moment today. I've been having a lot of those lately.
This one happened when I was feeling sorry for myself about not feeling connected to my husband. So instead of stressing over it, I turned it over to God and asked him to help me deal with it. And the coolest thing happened. This "voice" in my head said, "You don't feel connected b/c your husband doesn't need you."
Ok, no big deal right? Everyone knows that codies are drawn to needy people and when they don't feel needed, they also don't feel wanted.
But for some reason, today this finally clicked. My husband and I got together b/c he was an addict and I felt he "needed" me to get his life in order. Well, without my help he found recovery. Without my help, he got his life in order. And without my help he's making all kinds of strides and moves. He no longer "needs" me to save his life, and b/c of this I don't feel wanted.
For the first time in my life, I can see clearly the kind of person I have been drawn to and that have been drawn to me. People I think I can save or fix. People whose lives are a mess and need someone to straighten it out, give it structure, put them on the right path in life. I know this sounds like more "d'uh", but you guys don't understand. For the first time, I finally understand and see how this has been my life!
OMG, after reading that paragraph, doesn't it sound like some psycho God-complex???? Geez. No wonder I've had such a hard time letting go. For some reason, I seem to think I can do God's job for him.
I'm freaking out here. This is HUGE.
I used to write a lot on RAPS about my stepdaughter, who recently moved back in with us full time. When she lived with us two years ago and husband was still using, they "needed" me around, to keep things under control, to keep them from killing each other. Now, I've stepped aside and let them deal with their own problems with each other. Guess what? They don't need me anymore. And I have felt really lost in that situation too, b/c I don't feel important. My purpose is gone.
And I feel lost in my marriage, b/c I feel I've lost my purpose, my usefulness. My husband doesn't need me. He is conducting his life very well. I know I need to accept that his not needing me is a good thing, that I still have a purpose in life, and that our marriage is still meaningful, in fact much more so now than before b/c we are both capable of handling our own lives without needing the other one to save us.
Hmmm, now if I can only figure out what my purpose in life is....
This one happened when I was feeling sorry for myself about not feeling connected to my husband. So instead of stressing over it, I turned it over to God and asked him to help me deal with it. And the coolest thing happened. This "voice" in my head said, "You don't feel connected b/c your husband doesn't need you."
Ok, no big deal right? Everyone knows that codies are drawn to needy people and when they don't feel needed, they also don't feel wanted.
But for some reason, today this finally clicked. My husband and I got together b/c he was an addict and I felt he "needed" me to get his life in order. Well, without my help he found recovery. Without my help, he got his life in order. And without my help he's making all kinds of strides and moves. He no longer "needs" me to save his life, and b/c of this I don't feel wanted.
For the first time in my life, I can see clearly the kind of person I have been drawn to and that have been drawn to me. People I think I can save or fix. People whose lives are a mess and need someone to straighten it out, give it structure, put them on the right path in life. I know this sounds like more "d'uh", but you guys don't understand. For the first time, I finally understand and see how this has been my life!
OMG, after reading that paragraph, doesn't it sound like some psycho God-complex???? Geez. No wonder I've had such a hard time letting go. For some reason, I seem to think I can do God's job for him.
I'm freaking out here. This is HUGE.
I used to write a lot on RAPS about my stepdaughter, who recently moved back in with us full time. When she lived with us two years ago and husband was still using, they "needed" me around, to keep things under control, to keep them from killing each other. Now, I've stepped aside and let them deal with their own problems with each other. Guess what? They don't need me anymore. And I have felt really lost in that situation too, b/c I don't feel important. My purpose is gone.
And I feel lost in my marriage, b/c I feel I've lost my purpose, my usefulness. My husband doesn't need me. He is conducting his life very well. I know I need to accept that his not needing me is a good thing, that I still have a purpose in life, and that our marriage is still meaningful, in fact much more so now than before b/c we are both capable of handling our own lives without needing the other one to save us.
Hmmm, now if I can only figure out what my purpose in life is....
It is what it is!!!
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Sobriety
Posts: 5,767
JG -
Purpose in life, something I have thought about ALOT. What I have come up with is.
my pupose is to be a loving, caring, kind person who thinks of others but does not need someone else to feel whole. My pupose in life is to love myself as God loves me, unconditionally.
Do I always remember this - NO, but practice makes better.
Purpose in life, something I have thought about ALOT. What I have come up with is.
my pupose is to be a loving, caring, kind person who thinks of others but does not need someone else to feel whole. My pupose in life is to love myself as God loves me, unconditionally.
Do I always remember this - NO, but practice makes better.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Canada
Posts: 14
I can relate to what you are saying. Not that I am in the exact situation, but I do feel I need to be needed.
I've been doing a lot of asking myself "but why?" and I find myself always answering with "I don't know".
Why is it that we need to be needed? You said that when you don't feel needed you don't feel wanted.... in a way I feel the same. But I am not sure why.
The only explanation I can come up with for myself is that I feel that as long as I am needed then I don't have to worry about loosing the person. I guess it is a fear of abandoment issue or something. If he needs me, he isn't going to leave. Now why I think he would leave, why I feel I need reasurance all the time... "I don't know".
Just wondering if you had any thoughts on this. If you think your need to be needed is for the same reason as mine.
Sorry if my post was not really helpful. I just am interested in talking about this more.
I've been doing a lot of asking myself "but why?" and I find myself always answering with "I don't know".
Why is it that we need to be needed? You said that when you don't feel needed you don't feel wanted.... in a way I feel the same. But I am not sure why.
The only explanation I can come up with for myself is that I feel that as long as I am needed then I don't have to worry about loosing the person. I guess it is a fear of abandoment issue or something. If he needs me, he isn't going to leave. Now why I think he would leave, why I feel I need reasurance all the time... "I don't know".
Just wondering if you had any thoughts on this. If you think your need to be needed is for the same reason as mine.
Sorry if my post was not really helpful. I just am interested in talking about this more.
It is what it is!!!
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Sobriety
Posts: 5,767
When I am feeling that I need to be needed it is usually because of my own insecurites or lack of self esteem. for me it comes from inside me, it really has nothing to do with the other person. I am looking for someone to validate me, to make me feel good about myself.
This was HUGE for me in early recovery and something that I still work on all the time.
This was HUGE for me in early recovery and something that I still work on all the time.
believer
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Hi Lonelygirl, What you and Paulie said is EXACTLY how I feel. If I'm needed, then they won't leave. If I'm not needed, then why would they stay? In my warped way of thinking, I guess I feel if I'm not needed, then I'm no more special than anyone else, like I'm losing my advantage or something. Ugh.
This whole thing has had my head spinning for the past two days. This has been a huge discovery. Of course, like you Lonelygirl, my next question has been, why do I feel this way, this insane need to feel needed, and that my only value comes from being/feeling needed?
Things that make you go hmmm....
The only explanation I can come up with for myself is that I feel that as long as I am needed then I don't have to worry about loosing the person. I guess it is a fear of abandoment issue or something. If he needs me, he isn't going to leave. Now why I think he would leave, why I feel I need reasurance all the time... "I don't know".
This whole thing has had my head spinning for the past two days. This has been a huge discovery. Of course, like you Lonelygirl, my next question has been, why do I feel this way, this insane need to feel needed, and that my only value comes from being/feeling needed?
Things that make you go hmmm....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: missouri
Posts: 95
This is a good topic. My head is swollen right now. My husband who has not wanted to spend much time with me lately, needs me now. This is the sick part. I equate that to love. He is making a trip 4 hours away, and is directionally challenged. He has gotten lost once already and has called for directions.
To my sick head, (which I am working on also) that is almost like sending me a dozen roses.
To my sick head, (which I am working on also) that is almost like sending me a dozen roses.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
antreeta,
Directionally Challenged? LOL! I have one word. MAP.
Today after years in recovery I don't find those things cute anymore...not that you do. I have been married for 22 yrs and I see those things as the "worse" part of the vows. And I am sure Ward has things he looks at the same way so I sigh and give him directions. And he sighs and changes my oil.
Hugs,
JT
Directionally Challenged? LOL! I have one word. MAP.
Today after years in recovery I don't find those things cute anymore...not that you do. I have been married for 22 yrs and I see those things as the "worse" part of the vows. And I am sure Ward has things he looks at the same way so I sigh and give him directions. And he sighs and changes my oil.
Hugs,
JT
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
I shared a little bit with my husband about this topic. He was very supportive and said some things that made a lot of sense. Such as, when you're with someone b/c you need them, you can't enjoy being with them. For instance, kids and parents often go through rough patches during teenage years b/c the kids still need their parents, which is hard when they want to be on their own. These relationships often become a lot better once the kid leaves the house, b/c then they no longer need their parents and they can just enjoy each other's company.
I'm thinking this should be applied to all relationships. It's actually a huge sense of relief to know that my husband is with me b/c he wants to be, not b/c he needs to be, and vice versa. It's a freeing feeling, but scary too b/c I still feel that w/out the need, I've lost the connection. But it's not true, and I'm going to work on accepting that.
I'm thinking this should be applied to all relationships. It's actually a huge sense of relief to know that my husband is with me b/c he wants to be, not b/c he needs to be, and vice versa. It's a freeing feeling, but scary too b/c I still feel that w/out the need, I've lost the connection. But it's not true, and I'm going to work on accepting that.
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 3
I always thought I wanted to feel needed (I truly feel what you have all said) - Now I think I just want to feel 'wanted'.
Thank you. For sharing all you feel. It opens my mind, and puts my thinking on a new path...
Thank you. For sharing all you feel. It opens my mind, and puts my thinking on a new path...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: anytown usa
Posts: 24
I was always in relationships that had alot of drama, chaos and never quite sure when the next dreaded episode would take place. Now I'm married to a man who I can count on to be there and things will pretty much be the same day after day. This is really hard to get used to. I felt as though it was only a matter of time before he would find out things about me and my dysfunctional family and that would be the end of us. Another good reason for me to work at fixing my stuff. I just don't know where to begin with any of it. I've been reading and have one page in a journal started. I guess I'm having trouble with this long term project.
believer
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Hi Daffy,
Don't think of it as a long-term project, or you'll never want to do it. Just focus on reading or writing a page or two every day or every other day or once a week. Before you know it, you'll have read and written a lot of pages!
At least you can recognize that your husband is dependable, despite any fears you may have. I wouldn't be able to recognize dependable if it slapped me in the face!
Hugs,
JG
Don't think of it as a long-term project, or you'll never want to do it. Just focus on reading or writing a page or two every day or every other day or once a week. Before you know it, you'll have read and written a lot of pages!
At least you can recognize that your husband is dependable, despite any fears you may have. I wouldn't be able to recognize dependable if it slapped me in the face!
Hugs,
JG
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: houston, texas
Posts: 72
It's funny, because I actually questioned myself tonight "Christine, are you a Codie, too?!?" (I've been on the other end as an A -DOC is heroine, 8 months sober).
You're post really hit it home! Your description of who you hang out with is exactly the same for me- people who are wrecks and have no ambition, etc.. I've always been the "mommie" of the group (ex: designated driver, go out of my way to help them out.)
Wow! Not only have I been "blessed" with being an addict, but a codependent, too!! Hah!
You're post really hit it home! Your description of who you hang out with is exactly the same for me- people who are wrecks and have no ambition, etc.. I've always been the "mommie" of the group (ex: designated driver, go out of my way to help them out.)
Wow! Not only have I been "blessed" with being an addict, but a codependent, too!! Hah!
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: tucson arizona
Posts: 1
This is a really good topic for me. When I'm not feeling needed I feel like I have an actual physical hole in my chest region! I think I like to feel needed because then I don't have to look at my own stuff like my fears, my dreams. My greatest fear is that I'm going to be nobody when I grow up (ha!) so I try to hide out in trying to manage and fix others around me (which doesn't work). And the more chaos and drama the better, because how can I be responsible for not developing myself when all that BIG stuff is going on? I'm facing the end of a marriage and my son will be 18 in December and will graduate in May so I go back and forth between a kind of elation and panic that I have to face myself.
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Join Date: Feb 2002
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Posts: 2,898
I have been thinking about this thread alot since it started and my only comment is that I don't want to be needed. I want to be wanted. I want people to spend time with me because they want to, not because they want me to do something for them.
I want a husband who is as self suffcient as a man can be and I pretty much have one. He might choose to lay back and let me do it all, but I want to know if I choose the same thing he will be doing the doing.
I want to be able to take a break and know that I will not starve. I want to be able to depend on my partner as much as he depends on me.
I "do" because he works harder (physically) and he loves being taken care of. It makes him feel loved.
Needed? Personally I feel like everyone is able and shouldn't need me.
Sick?
JT
I want a husband who is as self suffcient as a man can be and I pretty much have one. He might choose to lay back and let me do it all, but I want to know if I choose the same thing he will be doing the doing.
I want to be able to take a break and know that I will not starve. I want to be able to depend on my partner as much as he depends on me.
I "do" because he works harder (physically) and he loves being taken care of. It makes him feel loved.
Needed? Personally I feel like everyone is able and shouldn't need me.
Sick?
JT
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Nope, not sick.
For me, the need/want thing is all convoluted. I agree with you, that I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I would never beg my husband to stay with me if I thought there was someone else. I'm insecure enough as it is - I pretty much need to know you want to be with me.
But this is where it gets all messy. I used to think that wanting to be with me meant you needed me for something. Sure, eveyone is able, but my thinking was that my husband wanted to be with me b/c he needed me to give some structure to his life, to help him get clean, etc, b/c that's where I thought my value was.
I'm not sure if I'm making sense here...
But since I've never considered myself fun or exciting or stuff like that, I couldn't imagine that anyone would just want to be with me for love and companionship. I never even considered I had value in just being me or that anyone else would want me just for me.
For me, the need/want thing is all convoluted. I agree with you, that I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I would never beg my husband to stay with me if I thought there was someone else. I'm insecure enough as it is - I pretty much need to know you want to be with me.
But this is where it gets all messy. I used to think that wanting to be with me meant you needed me for something. Sure, eveyone is able, but my thinking was that my husband wanted to be with me b/c he needed me to give some structure to his life, to help him get clean, etc, b/c that's where I thought my value was.
I'm not sure if I'm making sense here...
But since I've never considered myself fun or exciting or stuff like that, I couldn't imagine that anyone would just want to be with me for love and companionship. I never even considered I had value in just being me or that anyone else would want me just for me.
It is what it is!!!
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Sobriety
Posts: 5,767
Nope not sick JT - makes sense.
JG - do you consider yourself differently now. Today do you know that your husbands wants to be with you for love and companionship? That value and self worth thing takes so much work, believe me I know.
At first I thought my SO and I were together cause we were both in reocvery and we should be - LOL. Then I thought he wanted me cause he needed me I would even refer to myself as the 'nanny' - not good. Today for the first time in my life I know that he is with me cause he WANTS to me. We enjoy being together. He takes great care of me and I take great care of him and his kids.
This hit me a few months ago when we were having dinner, just him and I and we were talking and laughing, not just watching the news. It was awesome.
I understand the differenece between wanting to be needed and wanting to be wanted. Does it get clouded in my mind sometimes, yep - cause I can be a little screwy when I let myself.
But...practice makes better.
JG - do you consider yourself differently now. Today do you know that your husbands wants to be with you for love and companionship? That value and self worth thing takes so much work, believe me I know.
At first I thought my SO and I were together cause we were both in reocvery and we should be - LOL. Then I thought he wanted me cause he needed me I would even refer to myself as the 'nanny' - not good. Today for the first time in my life I know that he is with me cause he WANTS to me. We enjoy being together. He takes great care of me and I take great care of him and his kids.
This hit me a few months ago when we were having dinner, just him and I and we were talking and laughing, not just watching the news. It was awesome.
I understand the differenece between wanting to be needed and wanting to be wanted. Does it get clouded in my mind sometimes, yep - cause I can be a little screwy when I let myself.
But...practice makes better.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 36
This is a wonderful topic. Something I had been struggling with until my HP showed me that I can be alone. The more I tried to fix my husband, the further we got apart. I was always trying to fix him so that he would be a better husband to me. Hello??!?!? What was I thinking. In retrospect, I can really see how insane I was. anyway, my husband told me he needed some space. Our three children and me were driving him crazy. I had just starting going to Al-Anon and it was the first scary thing that I had to do - let him go because I can't control him. I thought I was going to die. What would I do all by myself? I had to take a good hard look at myself and my motives in the relationship. I finally realized that I didn't need him in my life. I was actually a lot happier without all the drama we created on a daily basis. I really feel that my HP forced me to do something I never would have done on my own and our relationship is so much better off now. The funny thing is that my husband thought he was the one who needed the separation, when it was actually me!
believer
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
JG - do you consider yourself differently now. Today do you know that your husbands wants to be with you for love and companionship? That value and self worth thing takes so much work, believe me I know.
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