transformyself

Hiya Everybody

Had a realization this morning while getting the kids ready for school. Not a new one, but a deeper level of understanding my family of origin and how to recover from the damage. The madness.

Older child talks from the moment his eyes open until they close. Seriously. He can wake up 20 minutes before we have to leave, eat, get dressed, have all of his stuff together and walk out the door on time. All while talking and laughing. He learns by doing and engages at all times. He truly is a delight. A happy child.

Younger child is the polar opposite. He lays in bed for 20 minutes complaining before angrily coming to the table. Then he needs 20 more minutes to eat and glare at me and start to wake up. I have to nudge him pretty much constantly. He stands back, observes and when he's ready, gets the job done. It took him a year to even attempt to try to learn to ride a bike but when he did, he said, "today I"m going to ride my bike," got it out of the garage and then took off on it. That exemplifies how he learns and takes in the world around him. He is also truly a delight and has joy and happiness as well as Older Child, but it manifests differently.

So, this morning Older Child is talk talk talking his face off as usual while I"m trying to pack lunches and make breakfast. It's annoying me. There is a mishap with the pasta I"m cooking for their lunches. I take a handful of parmasan cheese, add it to the past and then the smell hits me. The cheese is bad. I have to throw it all away and start over.

My inclination is to blame Talking Child.

I recognize it, ask him kindly to stop talking so I can focus and we get out the door.

Now. My father is a screaming alcoholic, blamed me and my sisters for everything. In this same exact situation, he would have raged at us and said, "look what you made me do." Really. He would rage at us if we didn't know how to do something properly. I eventually severed all contact with him because of this behavior that continued into my adult life. Like, two years ago I told him, "you have to either stop treating me this way or I'm oughtta here." He sent me an 8 page letter detailing how wrong I am, and how it shouldn't suprise me that I"m "just like all other women." Wow. Goodbye.

So, yeah, I have issues. And i have issues with my parenting.

I've been aware for years that my first reaction in parenting is the same as my parents. Hated it. But breaking the cycle is a challenge. It doesnt' ever seem to go away completly.

Ending contact with my Dad helped me tremendously. I began seeing the ways that I am like him and working to stop those behavoirs. But I couldn't do it while having contact with him, because his rages would trigger me into a state of hysteria, sometimes for weeks.

Likewise, leaving my AH has given me great freedom to focus on what's truly important: my children. I spent so much time trying to fix my failed marriage instead of just fixing myself! Grr...

So now I'm more gentle with myself and my kids. I"m not fixated on AH and his shenanigans or demands. I have awareness, which I know to be the first step in change. Still, I wonder, when will my first reaction always be love? I do respond that a way most of the time, am not a raging jerk like my dad. And I do have PMS right now. Oh yeah...

Freedom1990

I think you will get to a point where your first reaction is love.

I clearly remember somewhere in my first year of recovery after rehab when I was scolding my then only daughter. She would have been around 8 years old. I was being harsh and critical, just like my mother. It hit me right after I said something to her that I sounded just like my mother!

I started crying. It was painful and yet freeing at the same time. That which I despised most in my mother was something I wasn't willing to look at in myself.

I think your children are very lucky to have a mother like you! :ghug2

LaTeeDa

I am in awe of the self-awareness in this post. Simply beautiful.

I think expecting yourself to "always" have the reaction you want is a bit unrealistic. As an ACOA, I have the trait of perfectionism. There was a time when I believed it was beneficial to me, and sometimes I still believe it is in some circumstances. Dealing with other people, and especially children, is not one of those circumstances.

Give yourself some credit for recognizing the reaction, but don't expect yourself to be perfect. In fact, I believe I did my children a disservice in their younger years by trying to always be perfect (even though I failed a lot). I gave them the idea that perfection is what we all are striving for. It's not.

These days, I let my children see the real me, mistakes and all. I admit to them when I have reacted poorly and I apologize sincerely.

Turns out my kids like having a "real" mom much more than having a "perfect" mom. You don't have to be perfect. Being honest, sincere, and aware is enough. Good job!

L

brundle

I agree with the others. I would love for my parents to be 'real' and not always trying to shame me into doing what they want me to do. Breaking the cycle is the most important thing; and no one is perfect.

Your not alone. I often bite my tongue around my kids. Lots of times I know my first reaction is out of my own need or brokeness; so I pause and go for door number 2.

Hugs

cmc

As was mentioned before about awareness, the willingness and the ability to be honest about myself, my attitudes and actions is a huge step towards living in accountability to what I know is right and true.

One of the first 'promises' that I made to myself about how I would parent my kids is described to a 'T" here by LaTeeDa. I grew up with perfectionists, too; and I knew that I could never live like that in my own home with my own family.

It seemed especially ridiculous to me that everyone should pretend that obvious problems don't exist...and in the long it just saves a whole lot of time and effort by being genuine and facing problems head on.

In the long run, I feel that my kids respected me more, and also learned to be honest and open people themselves.

ICant

A year ago, my first reaction when the kids (toddlers) spilt something whilst we were making or having dinner together would be "Look what you've done. You've made a mess. I've got to clean that up now and IT'S YOUR FAULT." Now my first reaction is to say calmly "I'll grab a paper towel. Can you help?" Yeah, I abused the kids too just in a different way to my AH and in my sick marriage I thought I was the 'good one'. Don't worry, now you have realised, you will change.

Thumper

Thank you for your post. I want to be that kind and gentle mother too. I have so much stress right now. It is so much 'work' in that I constantly need to think about what reaction I should really have - and now is when my kids need it most. I try so hard to not let misplaced stress leak out into my reactions. It is also when they are the most challenging because their world is falling apart and so their behavior is kind of all over the place too.

I had to laugh at your descriptions because my children all have such opposite personalities too. It is amazing how different siblings are.