pluto9

Hello all-

I am a professional, educated, single mom of two. I own my home, pay my bills and generally "play by the rules" Here is my story.... I attended a picnic with a good friend of mine about 6 weeks ago, these were some friends of hers and I did not know them. Well, I met the son of the family hosting the picnic and we hit it off....I mean....connected in a way I hadn't in a while. We laughed, joked and had a great time. Because most of his family was at this event....I wound up meeting most of them too. It was really a great time and everyone was very friendly, I especially liked his mother. Well he and I went out a couple of times the following week. We had a nice time, he is very polite, funny etc... but something just seemed strange to me. Honestly I thought maybe he had a neurological condition...he seemed jittery. Well the next day he told me he had something important to tell me and he was aafraid it was going ruin everything, he told me he would call me the following day. Turns out he got nervous and had his mother tell me instead. He was injured at work 5 years ago and was placed on a new pain med. He got hooked, attempted suicide and everything (years ago) He has even won a lawsuit over this. well I guess the days between the picnic and the dates he started using again. He decided to check himself into a residental rehab the following day. it is a 28 day program- with a 90 outpatient. I sent him cards, he has called me a couple times (he is only allowed i call a day) I can not visit him because I am not family. His mother (she and I have become close) gives me a regular update on his progress. Well, he "graduates" next week and his mom has invited me to attend the celebration (he can invite anyone to this I guess). I'm really unsure what to do..... This is a 12 step based program and I know they do not encourage relationships for the first year. However he has told me repeatedly he would like to try to continue getting to know me. I'm not sure if going to this event will complicate things..... or would be a nice gesture of someone who can be a supportive friend. I feel like I am now closer to his mom than him....LOL. She assures me that he would like me to be there, but I don't know if I need to hear that from him. Am I foolish to think I can really be a good friend and suppoort to this man and his family? Or is it best if I fade away????
Sorry this is LOOOOOONG!

Chino

Do you have the ability to remain a friend only? Do you have the ability to step back and detach if romance enters the picture? Do you want to be friends with him and why?

I think it's great that you are asking questions.

Ann

Only you can decide what is right for you and I understand your confusion.

He was recently active and is newly into recovery and the real test of recovery is after they leave rehab, when they begin to live life on life's terms. Some addicts stay clean and live wonderful lives, some stay stuck in the revolving door of recovery/relapse., and some never get clean. We never know who will be which, no matter how well we think we know our addict.

My thoughts are to keep this purely on the "friendship" level and give it a lot of time before you begin a relationship. This is healthy and safe for you, and also for him as his program suggests (there is good reason they suggest to wait). Time will give you the answer.

If you cannot do this at a friendship level, then maybe think about detaching because it could be a very rocky road ahead.

As a mom I would tell you "run for the hills girl!". As a recovering codependent who practices the 12 step principals in all her affairs....I wouldn't dream of it.

Take a read around, keep posting here and maybe it will give you a better feel of what may be in store for you should you stick it out.

Hugs to you and prayers for both of you.

pluto9

Thank you for the advice so far.... I guess I am unsure about whether to attend his celebration or not? any thoughts? I'm not really sure what to expect. Is that far outside of friendship realm? I know several of his close male friends and of course his family is going.

Learn2Live

Hi Pluto,

I say run like hell. You can't help this guy or his mother. And already they are both leaning on you pretty heavy for support and they hardly even know you! If you keep yourself in this game, soon they are going to be leaning on you so hard you are going to fall on your a$$. I'm certain you'll agree that your two children need you standing up straight the way you are right now.

You sound like you have your life together; why would you want to screw it up by becoming involved with an addict? And what do you think you will get out of trying to help them? They are grown adults and need to take care of themselves. Don't be flattered by his insistence on you being at his "ceremony." And don't think for one second that just because the addiction is to "just" prescriptions that his problem is not a serious one. It is the same as all the rest of the addictions.

I hear all kinds of things in your story that are very familiar to me; excuses for why the drugs started in the first place, too "afraid" to tell you the truth so he gets his mommy to do it, your hitting it off very easily with this guy, and your feelings of closeness with the mother. My suggestion to you is go to Al-Anon or Codependents Anonymous if it's available in your area, and work on figuring out why you feel so comfortable with and drawn to drug addicts and their mothers.

Take care.

hello-kitty

I think it's kind of weird to have a "celebration" when someone gets out of rehab. Just my opinion. Rehab is hard work. And people don't come out "cured". Much more work is required. And usually when people get out, they are a little embarrassed about what they've been thru. Most people I know would never want a big celebration. Actually most of them are really disturbed by what they've been through and want to slip quietly and quickly into a routine.

Most addicts either relapse immediately or jump right into the 12-step program - the day they get out. It's usually recommended they go to 90 meetings in 90 days, follow a strict schedule, and not jump into relationships for at least a year. No big changes. Nothing exciting. Just focus on recovery.

I just find it odd that's all.

If it was me, I wouldn't touch it with a 10-foot pole.

Learn2Live

Thanks Kitty; I was wondering about that whole celebration thing - never heard of that before. But I have never known anyone personally who actually completed the whole 28 days-so I wasn't sure.

hello-kitty

Sorry, maybe I misread. It IS normal, in my experience, for the rehab center to have a graduation. I thought maybe his mom was throwing him a party when he got out. That would be odd.

I still wouldn't touch it with a 10 foot pole. You are going to do what you are going to do but read around this forum and the recovering addicts forum so you can familiarize yourself with what it's like for an addict in early recovery and whether you want to invite that kind of chaos into your life and the life of your children.

outtolunch

I am cynical enough to suspect that his relapse occured well before the picnic and dating. Mr. Life of the Party may very well had a good buzz on.

Good for him to go back into rehab. If you are genuinely concerned for his well being, consider giving him the dignity to get his life back together without the added complication of a romance. Heck, tell him to call in a year and meet for coffee or something.

tjp613

My advice is just to read everything you can on this SoberRecovery message board... and then make your decision with a pretty clear vision of what you can expect if you continue this relationship.

And I like Cynical's questions:

Does he work full time or go to school?
Does he have a drivers license, his own car?
Does he own or rent his own home?
Does he pay his own bills?
And, just out of curiosity, do you know what the new pain med was?

pluto9

Okay-
Thanks for all the advice, that's why I am here to get information and weed out myths and misconceptions..... I know my first post was a bit rambling....I was nervous and in a rush when I typed it...sorry. I agree with what many of you have said about being cautious and not allowing his family to "lean" on me. That is a big fear of mine as well. I suppose I shouldn't have called it a celebration it is the graduation.... I think his mother is having a dinner or something afterward....I would not go to that, just the event at the center, but honestly he has not really invited me himself....so I don't know how he feels about it. I don't want people to think I'm totally hooked on this guy or anything..... I just really liked him and his family...and they are friends with a close friend of mine (my friend is unaware of the drug abuse though) so it just seemed wonderful to meet a guy without really looking....if you know what I mean? I have never dated anyone with an addiction and certainly would not seek one out, that is why I am trying to educate myself about the process and the real stories behind it. I have been doing a lot of research and have read a few books (any recommendations would be great) I have not attended any alanon meetings because honestly this isn't really in my life right now.

pluto9

OH.... BTW, to answer a few questions ....the center is based on the 12- step.....yes he will be doing 90 in 90 days.....Yes, he has a car and license.....Yes, he pays his bills (I believe)....Yes, he pays rent to his family (he lives in a place they own).....No, he is not working due to the injury at work, he has a settlement and plans to start school in Jan (obviously I don't know if this will happen)......and finally the med was Lyrica, prescribed for a spine injury. ......and NO!!! I'm not foolish enough to involve my children in this situation.......nor would I for a long time.....

outtolunch- I like your straight-up decent approach, I may take such an approach, I would never want to "cast" off someone simply because they might complicate my life. But, I am beginning to realize the long road ahead that this man faces.....I hope he has the support he really needs......I feel like I could be a part of that support (I'm not talking romance here......but friendship) Is that even possible? Where do addicts who really "make" it....who stay clean and move forward find the support they truly need? Just curious.....

outtolunch

According to the DEA, Lyrica is a schedule 5 non-narcotic with no actual abuse potential. During trials at 4.5X normal dosage, 4% of Lyrica and 1% of placebo -treated patients reported euphoria, about the same as those using asprin.

Your guy may be one of a few who experienced depression and suicidal thoughts while using Lyrica, back when. Again, some people experience these symptoms without any medication.

I would be very surprised that he's in a rehab because of an addiction to Lyrica. Most people who end up in rehab have not been honest with themselves, let alone others, as it relates to their drug abuse.

Since you appreciated the straight up approach...... anyone reading your posts can sense the normal giddiness that occurs in a new relationship when two people really hit it off. How do you back burner this in favor of "friendship"?

Seems to me, many of the addicts who really make it, get support from other same sex ( assuming they are straight) recoverying addicts, who have walked miles, in their shoes. Seems to me that those who embark on new romances are at a higher risk of relapse because they are not 150% focused on recovery.

Drugs/alcohol have never been my thing . My daughter has an on again/off again love affair with her drug of choice, heroin, an opiate, like most pain medications.

pluto9

I appreciate your candidness outtolunch....and your knowlege as well.....this is why I am here....to make informed and educated decisions.....I do not like being niave to any matter that enters my life.....regardless of the outcome, my eyes are being opened a little wider with every contact i make and every bit of information that I gain! Thanks!

URMYEVERYTHING

Hi Pluto... Welcome to SR. My story is similar to yours, however, I met my RBF while he was clean and sober and having 5 years under his belt. He was a professional working in the field, employed, had his own car, his own apartment, paying bills and a responsible father. That all changed within a matter of 2 months after he relapsed. He lost everything (of course, through his own stupid decisions). I won't get into my whole history but you are welcome to read my old posts and catch up.

Btw, I am a professional as well that works in the field and works as a therapist which complicates it even more because I should know better.

To move on to the piece of post that I pulled out above.... I have a few questions for you..... Why do you feel the NEED to support him as a friend as you just met this guy? I can see if you two were friends for some years... but he's kind of new to your life? Second, he has ALL the support he needs in rehab. He is surrounded by therapist, social workers, recovering addicts (who are the best support for him), and he still has his family (from your post it sounds like his mother is supportive). So, there is no NEED for you to worry about him getting support. Third, there is no such thing as addicts "making it." They work it... they do it.. and I'm referring to their recovery. Their recovery supports come from going to meetings, going to therapy, having a sponsor and constantly working on their recovery and themselves (addict behaviors, etc.). Their priority in their life is their recovery. Unfortunately, you will fall second to that if he is serious about his recovery and maintaining it.

I'm not saying these things to be pessimistic.. I'm saying these things because I'm living it with my RBF while he is in rehab. When my RBF tries to talk to me about his woes I stop him. I can only offer support to a certain extent. I don't want to hear about his drama associated with his addiction such as his welfare not coming through in a timely manner, or his court dates, his financial dramas from when he relapsed and yada yada. That's what the counselor's are there for. It's just too draining for me.

I do offer support in visiting with him and talking about random things (t.v. shows, our children, our families, our day to day things that we are both learning from this experience and such).

We have past the stage of telling each other how we felt after his relapse and we have family sessions for that, which is helping. However, the dynamic between us has changed. Is it horrible and unbearable??.... no... but it's a challenge for sure.

I knew when I first dated him he was an addict, in recovery. I didn't imagine I would be going through a relapse with him. If I had a future ball to show me what life with him would be like, I would have ran the other way sooooo fast! No hesitation and I wouldn't care how nice and well put together he appeared to be.

But, I don't have that future ball. Damn.

Hope this helps. Keep reading here. You'll see a mix of people with all kinds of situations. I can say that none of us here are exempt from feeling the effects of addiction (whether they are addicts in recovery or active).

pluto9

Thank you Urmy!
I am continually amazed by the sound advice I receive here. To answer your question (and other have asked it as well)....I honestly do not know why I feel the need to support this man that I don't know well at all. Maybe it's the timing of everything....meeting him...liking him...meeting his family...maybe I've gotten a bit caught up in it.....maybe I'm a bit curious about the process....the rehab...the recovery. I feel like his mother has reached out to me a little as well. Don't get me wrong....I don't feel obligated to offer help. I guess, I just feel like it's the right thing to do, I sort of just stumbled upon this and maybe I can offer non-biased support....who knows. He honestly hasn't asked me for anything at all. And I suppose his mother tells me about it all, simply....because I'm still listening......hmmmmm

BohemiMamaof3

I don't know why I feel the need to say all of this but I am: Don't misplace your good and noble intentions as a compassionate human being. Addiction is a tricky and insidious disease. You have been given some thoughtful advice. The people that are best equipped to support this man and his mom are readily available to them through the counseling and rehab. I know this is going to sound extremely jaded and cynical, but needy, addictive people prey upon well-intentioned compassionate people. I know because I am a "good Christian gal" and I am supposed to go the extra mile for people, to put others before myself, be a good friend, and all the other basic tenets of the faith. Except that doesn't work when it comes to addicts. Addicts need tough love and boundaries. And it's confusing for compassionate people, Christians or otherwise. Really needy people, like those who are literally starving or suffering from calamities they did not bring on themselves need the kind of compassion and unselfish giving we tend to feel we owe to addicts. Hope this makes sense.

Learn2Live

I am glad you felt the need to share that Bohemi. Your post puts A LOT into perspective for me. Thank you.