kv816

No contact at all, nothing, since Saturday. I was upset Sunday, but it was mainly over an argument we had. He just never listened to me, about anything. In the middle of this argument he started ranting and raving about something so totally off the wall outrageous that I hung up on him. I didn't even do my usual "this conversation is over, I'm hanging up now". I just hung up. And at that moment I knew for sure I was done.

So Sunday I was upset, angry. Monday the thought of talking to him didn't even really cross my mind much. He used to call me every hour, on the hour, but I noticed I wasn't even watching my phone like I used to. I didn't care that he wasn't calling me and I didn't even think about calling him. I just didn't want to hear it anymore. I never called him, and he never called me.

Monday was the same. Tuesday, still no call. And I was amazed how much better I was feeling. But I was still upset. I don't understand how I'm such a bad person when HE'S the one with way more problems than me.

I broke my phone Saturday when I hung up on him. I tossed it towards my kitchen table but bounced off a toy, it hit the wall, shattered to the floor. I had to go buy a new phone. And I hate it. lol So I haven't gone through the trouble of downloading all my ringtones, I'm just going to exchange it. So Wednesday night I was laying on the couch, not feeling good. Kind of half asleep. Phone rings, I answer it. It's him.

He was all sweet, romantic even. I miss you, I love you, this fight is stupid. 5 minute conversation we hung up, peacefully.

I had a dream for the first time last night about him. He said goodbye. Said he couldn't do this anymore and it was time to go our separate ways. In my dream I was FINE! It was a relief! I have never woke up so refreshed in my entire life!

Anyway. My alarm went off this morning to this song. It's Kelly Clarkson "Already Gone". The day is looking really, REALLY bright.

YouTube - Kelly Clarkson - Already Gone

transformyself

Sounds like you're ready to say goodbye.

kotabear

Your sub-consious, is trying to tell you something, sounds like

Jadmack25

Maybe your subconsious is telling you that you have had enough of his behavior and it is time to make the big change, to take charge of your life.

God bless

trapeze

Beautiful.

kv816

Thanks guys. I think you're right, definitely time to get out of this

Lavash, I don't think sad is really what I'm feeling. I guess I am said but it's more in a disappointed way. The "wow, that's too bad" feeling. I have been ready to go for awhile now but I always go back or hang on out of hope. I wanted so bad to believe that it would get better. But I'm going further and further down hill waiting and I can't anymore. I guess I never really washed my hands of his mess, despite how tired I got of everything happening over and over and over again. But today I wash my hands of and walk away from his mess. I have nothing left to give, nothing left to offer.

So yes, I am sad. But it's in a disappointed kind of way.

coping123

I think 'disappointed' is the feeling that we truly experience when we let go or are about to let go of our A... disappointed in that maybe a little part of us 'expected' to see a change in them, because we fell in love with their good qualities... and we 'hoped' because we did love them & support them, they would get around to seeing the change they needed to make in themselves... which, in all honesty - it takes a really hard 'blow to their support system' for them to reach the rock bottom to promotes that change... and sometimes it takes a lot more than that.

I went from angry, to sad & depresseed all in one day when I let go of my A... and settled at disappoinment, because that that is truly what it is all about.

TakingCharge999

kv its funny yesterday I had a similar dream. I don't remember the exact words but I recall xbf's good persona was back and we talked like we used to. Well he did. Saying that he would never give back what I can give and that he was really trying to make different choices... and I was in a more centered place and just listened... I woke up feeling a little bit better.

Dissapointed is right and also a huge question mark "who are you? was anything real to you?"

kv hope you feel better day by day...

Learn2Live

kv816

Sorry to disagree with you during your time of pain but about this?:
I don't believe this for a second. I think you were DONE WITH HIM LONG AGO and going back had nothing to do with "hope." What hope? That wasn't hope, that was uncertainty about what YOU want and where YOU want to go in life.

Back to the old familiar, regardless if he is a total weanie-head. Wrap your head around this awhile and I bet you come out of this agreeing. Next step: "Hopes and dreams and standards for MY LIFE, not just accepting whatever comes my way."

TakingCharge999

hope for what exactly??

good one!! thanks.

kv816

I was done a long time ago with our relationship, yes. But that's what I hung on hoping for....that HE'D see the changes he desperately needs to make in himself. Maybe it's selfish, but I wanted to be around when he moved forward with his life. Kind of a "my work is done here" kind of thing. I don't remember what movie I heard it in, I want to say Michael with John Travolta but I'm not for sure. But the girl kept asking the angel why he was here, what he was supposed to do. He was there for a purpose, to help this person do something, but he couldn't tell her what it was she was about to go through that she'd need him there by her side during. She didn't want him there with her and a lot of fights and arguments and disagreements were had when they were together. But he couldn't leave until she went through whatever she was supposed to go through.

I don't know....it makes sense in my head.

It's been 6 days anyway, no contact. His A sister called me last night on a computer question. She babbled for 45 minutes about anything and everything (only reference she made to xabf was that she met the guy who owns the property I rent and commented to him that she thinks his brothers fiancee lives in one of his houses). I hung up with her, almost laughing. He and his sister are very, VERY close....they share EVERYTHING with each other (so much so that at one point in our relationship I seriously thought there had been a physical relationship between the two of them too. And it wasn't just my paranoia, I mentioned something that they both said to me without my thoughts about it and a handful of my closest friends joked "are they sleeping together". So it wasn't just me). Anyway. So as close as they are it seemed odd to me that three days ago she still refers to me as his brothers fiancee.....I know darn well she knows everything that happens between us. I laughed at that though. The same denial as her A brother.

Learn2Live

That's pretty creepy that you had such a strong feeling that your BF was sleeping with his sister. I'm sorry you had to experience something like that in your life.

kv816

I don't know if creepy is the right word (definitely not what I thought at the time). But I felt so wrong for thinking that so when I mentioned what I did to my friends I was kind of hoping someone would pop me upside the head and tell me I'm thinking crazy. I was disgusted when everyone asked if they were "together". I was a little offended by a gift she gave him for Christmas last year too. I had three girl friends of mine and two guy friends say that if their opposite-sex sibling gave them that they'd be upset. One guy friend said his wife would probably leave him. So it was comforting to know it wasn't just in my head. But it was disgusting at the same time.

It's funny. For the time he and I were together, I think I felt every emotion possible. But it wasn't until I left that I could look back on a situation and identify what I was feeling at the time.

Learn2Live

Sorry, I don't always use "good" words. Would you mind sharing what you felt or thought? I think it's great that you were so aware of your instincts about the whole matter. I also am glad that I have a handful of friends that I trust who can give me feedback like yours did. Folks on SR have been pretty helpful with that sort of thing too.

kv816

I'm sorry sweetie. I didn't mean that to sound like I was harping on your choice to use creepy. I just meant "creepy" wasn't disgusting enough to describe what I thought at the time.

At the time I thought it was me. That I was crazy for thinking the way I was thinking (he was involved with his sister). And that's why I went to the people I trust the most. They've always been up front and honest with me. You have your friends who will take your side regardless and then those who'll say "look man, you know I love you and I want to tell you what you want to hear but I'm gonna have to be honest with this". Those are my closest friends--the ones who will break their own heart knowing their honesty is going to break mine.

I don't know. It's done with now. I cried about it all then but I laugh at it now. Gives me cold chills to remember back on a lot of things. ewwww