neecey1224

His caseworker at the mental health association left a message today asking if exAH was still in the hospital. I called him back and advised I have been no contact with exAH since mid-June and knew of no hospitalization. He told me exAH had been in an accident on a scooter the other night, went to the hospital, came home, and had to be taken back to the hospital by ambulance. (Where on earth did he get a scooter??? He has no money! I'm sure he's using! He doesn't even have a driver's license!!!) The caseworker had found my number in the phone book and since the listing is me and exAH together still, he thought the listing was exAH's parents. I gave him exAH's parents' contact numbers.

Tonight exAH calls from ICU. His spleen and liver are bleeding. They are treating with medication first before they resort to surgery. He says to me, "I know you don't want to hear from me, but I just want to say I'm sorry for all the b*** sh** in case something happens to me." I asked a few questions about how he got in the hospital, etc., which he quickly and evasively answered (I got more details from the caseworker than from him), then again quickly repeated the apology. I didn't know what to say. I was just in a state of shock even speaking to him after this long. After a pause, I replied, "OK honey." Then he said, "OK, bye bye." And he hung up.

He seemed cold....distant....I don't know how to put it into words....this all happened less than a half hour ago....maybe it is just too soon for me to process it. I don't know.

I feel like someone has ripped out my heart. I feel like my insides are just all torn apart. I want to sob. I want to bury myself under some rock that I will never be able to get out from under. I don't understand these feelings. I know he is reaping what he sows. I know he is in God's hands. I know he is poison to me. WHY DO I FEEL THIS WAY??? I don't want these feelings! I don't know how to deal with these feelings!

I called the hospital back. I wanted to tell him I was sorry too, just in case anything happened to him. Because I am. Sorry for my parts. That's when I found out he was in ICU and that he could not take calls. I could only speak to the nurses station. It felt awkward to leave a message with the nurse saying I was sorry too. I dunno!!!!!

I feel so unstable right now. I can't stand it!! I have worked so hard to get back on stable ground and here I am like a snowflake in a snowglobe again after a 2 minute conversation. If you can even call it a conversation. It was more like an advisory message. A public service announcement. Not a conversation.

Is he just trying to clear his conscience because he is facing death? Like calling and saying sorry is going to make a difference to God if you have to stand in front of him before you can really SHOW you are sorry??

What's the coldness and distance about? Trying to be Mr. Tough Guy?

I'm confused. I'm disturbed. I'm upset. I'm unsettled. And most of all I feel totally unstable again. What do I do now???

IPT

sorry....i get it. It is a mess dealing with addicts. I think under it all they are just people, and even thogh they drown out their pain and hurt they know when they have done bad, when someone cared and took the brunt of their poor choices. Maybe he was just telling you he was sorry, and at that moment he probably was. The probalem is he might not be sorry enough to actually CHANGE the behavior.

You care about thsi guy, toxic or not. You know he is hurting (physically and emotionally) and that is going to be painful for you. I think you just need to step back and go back the NC. Sometimes I wonder what my ex is up to but I know I am better off not knowing. it is too easy to get pulled into it.

Take some deep breaths, appreciate that he gave an apology, and try to let go and get grounded again. Sorry you have to go thru this. I am SURE it would totally put me in a tailspin too!

URMYEVERYTHING

Hi Neecey,
My goodness.... tough night for sure.
I'm sorry you are going through this. You came to the best place. You and HIM will be in my prayers tonight.

You take some deep breaths and pray. You keep your perspective on your recovery and not forget what has gotten you this far. I can't say to keep no contact. This is something you would best know. If the shoe were on my foot, I would support ANYONE in this situation but steady telling myself to not get reattached and to not let myself go. :praying

peaceteach

Breath, Neecey. You are spiraling with worry, anxiety and guilt, NONE of which will help him to get better. And it certainly isn't helping you. First, give yourself permission to NOT feel a bit guilty about HIS winding up in the hospital. Pretend you are one of us. How would you talk to that girl? You would undoubtedly tell her that you understand that just because you no longer live with an addict who is actively using and choosing that lifestyle over a straight (and safe) one, doesn't mean you don't care when you hear he is hurt. Anyone who was in love would feel the compassion in their heart for that person. But that is it. He is RIGHT where he needs to be. Think. He's SAFE, in a hospital, surrounded by medical professionals and top notch emergency care. Phew! What a relief, right? Now, say a pray to his HP that he gets the care that he deserves and also a chance at recovery. Then ask your HP to help you let this anxiety out through some serious deep breathing, a long walk, a distraction with a phone call about something else, a movie, whatever will get him out of your head for say, 30 minutes-1 hour. You can let yourself freak out all night, or you can tell yourself that you don't need to relapse over this, it WILL pass, and by tomorrow morning you will be feeling more like yourself again.

It's terrible how their accidents affect those who love or loved them. But seriously, he probably was just a little scared after sobering up and was hoping you'd come hold his hand. I think maybe his parents can take care of that, sweetie. Hang in there! Peace and love.

neecey1224

Thank you all SO MUCH for your responses and support. This crap SUCKS!!

I think I wanted to say I'm sorry to clear my own conscience. All I could think of after he hung up, was what if he does die and I didn't say I was sorry too??

I have to admit that I do feel some guilt about how the no contact came about. It was something so minor, but it was the straw that broke the camel's back for me, and I just could not take it anymore. So I shut him out without a word or an explanation. Well, I correct myself. There was a brief explanation in a text message. I told him that I was tired of being his doormat and that if he couldn't treat me right, he couldn't have me. That was the last thing I said before I shut him out. He called and called, but never left a message. That is, at least, the most recent event that leaves me feeling like I need to clear my own conscience. I feel like it is the right thing to do - to apologize for what I view as an unusually cruel act, that even though he has done what he's done to me, I feel bad - convicted - about my own cruelty.

Its funny that Peace mentioned to be glad he is SAFE in a hospital, surrounded by capable caregivers. I know that is a big concern for a lot on here - that their addict is safe. Unfortunately, it has been the opposite in my situation. When he is trapped somewhere - in a hospital, in jail - that is when I feel safe. For the time he is trapped somewhere, I don't have to look over my shoulder. Just ironic.

I have no desire to visit him. There is nothing I can do. There is nothing I want to do. And I surely don't want to have to deal with discerning and fending off manipulation. Besides, he didn't ask me to visit him. I'm surely not going where I'm not invited. He didn't even want to engage in conversation. I felt like, for the first time, there was no attempt to manipulate. I could be wrong. The whole thing could have been a manipulation. An attempt to hook me back in. To pity him. To feel sorry for him. To make me want to come and step into the caregiver role again. Who knows. I just know I am not willing to resume that role, thank you very much. He's a grown man, and he needs to learn to take care of himself....and if he kills himself in the process - out of pure spitefulness and outright REFUSAL to learn to take care of himself - well, I guess that is his and his HP's business. It certainly is not mine.

Thank you all again so much. I have been crying while I read this, and you all are helping me run the movie out in my head, which I was not able to do when I wrote my post. You all are so invaluable to me, and I appreciate you so much. Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post, and for caring enough to help guide me in my snowglobe moment.

neecey1224

I was just re-reading IPT's post.

First, I think I am bothered about his apology because it was insincere. It was empty. He is apologizing for HIMSELF. And that is just.....wrong!! He doesn't want to die and not have apologized. That is not a true apology. He is not trying to make an amend. He's being completely selfish, as usual. And apparently he doesn't realize, I guess, that his apology is meaningless, and that it won't make a bit of difference if he has to stand before God in the next few days.

About the NC, this crap just finds me. I'm tellin ya, it crazy. I don't go seeking out information on this guy. It is constantly landing on my doorstep. Yes, I chose to call the mental health caseworker back, and I provided contact numbers to exAH's family. I am ok with that because I feel it was the right thing to do. It was not an attempt to get back in the mix. Sure, I could have not answered when I saw the hospital's caller ID, but, again, I felt like it was the right thing to do. I would have a hard time living with myself if I had refused to even speak to someone when I know they've been in an accident and clearly they are calling from the hospital. The important thing, I guess, is that I don't go back to old behaviors. I can be decent and stand my ground. I shouldn't have to sacrifice being who I am - an excellent, decent, caring, compassionate person - for my boundaries. And the boundary ball is totally in my court. That is mine to own and control.

neecey1224

I am sorry I am so long winded today. You all know that is really not like me. Usually play things pretty close to the vest.

Anyway....thinking out loud here....lately I have been praying....the last 3 or 4 days or so....that God will bring exAH to his knees so that exAH will finally surrender to God. I have been trying to examine my motives in this prayer. Maybe it is for me, because I do care about him so deeply and do miss him very much. But, I also want him to be well and healthy and in recovery, no matter if we can have a relationship or not. I don't know if I will ever stop caring or praying for the best for him. While only time will tell if this incident brings surrender, I'm thinking there is no way I can deny that God is listening. I pray....he ends up in ICU....coincidence? I think not. Powerful stuff there.

leznew

good job, I am inspired by you. This is one of my big fears, and you have handeled it with class. I know I would feel the same way and answer with my heart dropping every minute. Glad everyone posted so well. This one is going in the old memory bank LOL. One less scenario to worry about LOL. Thank you.

leznew

Interesting you are talking about praying. I have even anylized how I do that. I should ask my HP for strength and courage and power to do the right things. I have also changed the way I pray for my ex. I pray for my HP to GRANT her the strength to do the same........Think about it!

neecey1224

I like the way you think, leznew. Thank you for the provoking thought. I am going to incorporate that into my prayers.

URMYEVERYTHING

I always pray and ask for guidance as well. Sometimes, what we think is right for us may not be and we just have to learn to let go and let GOD and ask him to guide us.

outtolunch

"like a snowflake in a snowglobe"

That's an incredible analogy.

Sounds to me like he's scared, as he probably should be.

He says he's sorry, so that makes it allright, with him, I guess.

Once the snowglobe sits with it, for a spell, the snow settles, once again.

IPT

Hey neecey - I hope you realize I was not trying to say anything to upset you. You have every right to feel that way, and you may be entirely correct. Overall I think under the circumstances you are doing well. I hope this is soon a thing of the past for you and just a distant memory.

neecey1224

Thank you all again for your responses to my post.

Outtolunch....yes, you are right. The snowflakes in the snowglobe have settled with a little "still" time.

URMYEVERYTHING - Amen sister! I am a very faithful woman, and I am praying constantly for that very thing. And I've learned, in my own life, that if I sit still and quiet long enough, then God shows me the way.

IPT - Oh no! I did not take your post that way at all! I think my defensiveness is directed toward the A. I apologize profusely if you felt it was directed at you. And I also think there was a lot of thinking out loud in my post - working through analyzing my motives/actions for my own self. I always enjoy your posts, IPT. You have a lot of inspiring and thought provoking things to say. I always find your posts interesting, inspiring, and genuinely caring. Thank you for being you!

Update: I went ahead and left the "I'm sorry" message with the nurse. It was awkward for her too. But it was something I felt I needed to do.

He called back and we had an actual conversation. He offered a more in-depth apology that I felt was sincere, and that he had put much thought into things that have transpired. He also offered that he wants me to be happy and that he is determined not to be the source of my unhappiness anymore. He went on to say that if having NC makes me happy, then he accepts that. My point in explaining this, is that I think that's where the coldness and distance came from. Its just nice to know the "why," ya know?

He says he wants to walk a new path in life, but when asked about counseling, recovery programs, etc., that was kind of poo-poo'd. So my plan is to just watch him walk his path from a distance, to allow contact occasionally to see how he's doing, and to continue on my own path. His actions will tell me all I'll ever need to know. And God's plan and God's timing are perfect, so in time all will be as God wishes it to be - at least for me.

Thank you all again!

neecey1224

You are absolutely right, anvil, and I deeply appreciate your reminders. He got where he's at without me, and he needs to get where he's going without me. The journey he must travel to get where he SAYS he wants to be is not compatible with MY current path. Maybe, at some point, the two paths may come to a point where they are compatible, but now is not that time. And I have to remind myself that my presence in his life is not going to affect the outcome one way or the other. I do not have that much power or influence. It is really amazing how quickly that concern and compassion can overtake us. We must be so vigilant to stay on our own paths of recovery and health. I don't know how I'd keep myself on track without the distance and a peaceful environment. And without you all here to remind me of the fundamentals. Thank you so much.

URMYEVERYTHING

I think this is where we have to learn that fine balance. It is okay to feel compassion and concern for someone. We are all human. We will feel this way towards another, unless we are just some cold hearted animals, which we are not. Thank goodness for that.

Anywho, I beileve in reaching out to others as i have learned within myself that I have nothing to gain by it but just being a caring human being, despite the circumstances.

However, you are right, when it CONSUMES us, we have to let it go as it turns into obsession and not compassion.

Great job on standing your ground Neecy and knowing and judging what you can and cannot handle.

neecey1224

I have so much admiration and respect for the seasoned members on this board. Who have learned the ropes through much trial and error and have succeeded in maintaining the balance and keeping their own recovery intact.

As I look back on the conversation I had with exAH last night, I can see how rapidly I was sliding down that slippery slope. Some kind of subconscious autopilot kicks in and you don't even realize you are going down the slope at the time. At least I didn't. Maybe as I become more mature in my recovery I will learn to see it.

I do want to learn to be able to be compassionate and be able to reach out to others without obliviously falling back into what appear to be (for me) automatic unhealthy behaviors and thoughts. Still so much work for me to do....