Why does it get worse when you stop enabling?
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
In my case, my husband and I were locked in a power struggle for years. He would go too far, and I would react. Then he would "keep a lid on it" for a period of time. Eventually, he would go too far again, and I would explode again. Lather, rinse, repeat. The cycle went on like that literally for years.
Then, I let go. I stopped trying to control him and started to focus on myself and my children. (I also kicked him out of the house around the same time.) He was so relieved. He could drink as much as he wanted, whenever he wanted, and I wasn't there to biotch about it. It was like his dream come true.
Fortunately for him, that lasted about six months and then he hit bottom. Unfortunately for our marriage, too much damage had been done. Anyway, that's what happened in my case. Who knows what will happen in yours.
L
Then, I let go. I stopped trying to control him and started to focus on myself and my children. (I also kicked him out of the house around the same time.) He was so relieved. He could drink as much as he wanted, whenever he wanted, and I wasn't there to biotch about it. It was like his dream come true.
Fortunately for him, that lasted about six months and then he hit bottom. Unfortunately for our marriage, too much damage had been done. Anyway, that's what happened in my case. Who knows what will happen in yours.
L
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I have to agree that there is a disturbance in the status quo when you begin to detach and change your focus to what is healthier for yourself. I think that status quo is what the disease lives on and it will try all the many ways that have worked in the past to get you back to your old behavior.
My experience has reminded me of the times that I would grab a dog biscuit to give to my pup but get distracted by something and didn't tell her what the biscuit was for. My pup will try every trick she knows how to do in rapid succession to get the biscuit. Because she did not get a command from me, she just throws everything out there to see what works.
I saw this in my XABF when I started to detach and just worked on my own issues and what was healthiest for me. He started out by being on his best behavior and trying do all the right things. This didn't work obviously and things did not return to the way they were so he got mad and cranky and began to drink more and get nasty. This changed to morose behavior with heavy pouting and sulking around the house.
Ater a time, he went with the pup's response and just started trying all the above in rapid succession. One day he was sorry, the next day he was angry, the next day he would stay away from me. On and on it went and the day we separated.
Even as the help I had enlisted were loading my furniture on the moving truck that last day, he went from being sweet and helpful to throwing an all out tantrum next to the truck because he thought it was about to rain to almost crying when I told him to go so I could finish packing.
Alice
My experience has reminded me of the times that I would grab a dog biscuit to give to my pup but get distracted by something and didn't tell her what the biscuit was for. My pup will try every trick she knows how to do in rapid succession to get the biscuit. Because she did not get a command from me, she just throws everything out there to see what works.
I saw this in my XABF when I started to detach and just worked on my own issues and what was healthiest for me. He started out by being on his best behavior and trying do all the right things. This didn't work obviously and things did not return to the way they were so he got mad and cranky and began to drink more and get nasty. This changed to morose behavior with heavy pouting and sulking around the house.
Ater a time, he went with the pup's response and just started trying all the above in rapid succession. One day he was sorry, the next day he was angry, the next day he would stay away from me. On and on it went and the day we separated.
Even as the help I had enlisted were loading my furniture on the moving truck that last day, he went from being sweet and helpful to throwing an all out tantrum next to the truck because he thought it was about to rain to almost crying when I told him to go so I could finish packing.
Alice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 245
Thanks. Well, I'm not not enabling for him, I'm doing it for me. Because part of my recovery says I can't bear his burdens for him. Plus, I have a problem of getting angry when I do something for him that he should be doing (like driving but he can't) and then when I find out he drinks....I get really upset. So, if I stop doing things for him that he should be doing...then I won't be upset.
I know I have said this 100 times it feels, but I am almost there. I don't even care about the house anymore. Last night I made plans of life without him. I will start a separate thread on this. I have my hopes and dreams and I realize they won't come to fruition with him (as of now). It is really sad and depression to realize.
I know I have said this 100 times it feels, but I am almost there. I don't even care about the house anymore. Last night I made plans of life without him. I will start a separate thread on this. I have my hopes and dreams and I realize they won't come to fruition with him (as of now). It is really sad and depression to realize.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
His drinking may or may not get worse, he could actually do any darn thing he feels will keep his enabler doing what he needs, enabling him.
Let's face it, you have been his parachute for when he needs a soft landing and now, suddenly he is flying high and, gulp.... he is afraid his parachute will not open.
He will no doubt go thru the gammut of options he has, from smothering you with promises of change, love etc, to manaces, more drink fuelled anger and frequent mood swings. By the time he has played his tapes thru, you will be off balance and wondering if working on you was worth all this c**p from him.
Stick with it!!! Use every single effort of his to destable you, as a prod to keep you on track in what is the ONLY important issue....YOU and your needs.
Keep your hopes and dreams alive!!!!!!!!!!
God bless
Let's face it, you have been his parachute for when he needs a soft landing and now, suddenly he is flying high and, gulp.... he is afraid his parachute will not open.
He will no doubt go thru the gammut of options he has, from smothering you with promises of change, love etc, to manaces, more drink fuelled anger and frequent mood swings. By the time he has played his tapes thru, you will be off balance and wondering if working on you was worth all this c**p from him.
Stick with it!!! Use every single effort of his to destable you, as a prod to keep you on track in what is the ONLY important issue....YOU and your needs.
Keep your hopes and dreams alive!!!!!!!!!!
God bless
Only stepping forward
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 330
I remember probably 6 months or so ago going to a meeting and crying my eyes out. I'm not sure why I went, it was Al-Anon I was MAD at. There were times I'd be upset with xabf and would go to a meeting for that sense of calm and redirection it offers me. But that night it wasn't him I was mad at so much as it was Al-Anon itself. Someone asked me why I was so upset with Al-Anon. I didn't have to think too hard about it. I was angry because before I started going, before I had learned all that I had, things weren't really that bad. But I went and I learned about boundaries and detaching and not enabling anymore and a light bulb went off in my head that no matter what I did or what I said there was nothing I could do to fix him and knowing all of that made our relationship go DOWNHILL!! And down FAST! I was SOOO angry!!!
But putting it all into perspective it was him I was mad at. My dreams were shattered once I realized there was nothing I could do for him. She emailed me this letter and I don't know why but it helped. I read it and bawled my eyes out. I read it almost every day, cry over it every other day. I still get angry sometimes, but it's not Al-Anon or him that I'm angry with. It's the disease.
To My Wife,
I am an alcoholic, I need your help.
Don't lecture me, blame or scold me. You wouldn't be angry at me for having TB or diabetes. Alcoholism is a disease too.
Don't pour out my liquor; it's a waste because I can always find ways of getting more. Don't let me provoke your anger. If you attack me verbally or physically, you will only confirm my bad opinion about myself.
I hate myself enough already. Don't let your love and anxiety for me lead you into doing what I ought to do for myself. If you assume my responsibilities, you make my failure to assume them permanent.
My sense of guilt will be increased, and you will feel resentful. Don't accept my promises. I'll promise anything to get off the hook. But the nature of my illness prevents me from keeping my promises, even though I mean them at the time. Don't make empty threats.
Once you have made a decision, stick to it. Don't believe everything I tell you; it may be a lie. Denial of reality is a symptom of my illness. Moreover, I'm likely to lose respect for those I can fool easily, and u know it.
Don't let me take advantage of you or exploit you in any way. Love cannot exist for long without the dimension of justice. Don't cover up for me or try in any way to spare me the consequences of my drinking. Don't lie for me, pay my bills, or meet my obligations. It may avert or reduce the very crisis that would prompt me to seek help.
I can continue to deny that I have a drinking problem as long as you provide an automatic escape for the consequences of my drinking. Above all, do learn all you can about alcoholism and your role in relation to me.
Go to open AA meetings when you can. Attend Al-Anon meetings regularly, read the literature and keep in touch with al-anon members. They're the people who can help you see the whole situation clearly.
I love you.
Your Alcoholic
But putting it all into perspective it was him I was mad at. My dreams were shattered once I realized there was nothing I could do for him. She emailed me this letter and I don't know why but it helped. I read it and bawled my eyes out. I read it almost every day, cry over it every other day. I still get angry sometimes, but it's not Al-Anon or him that I'm angry with. It's the disease.
To My Wife,
I am an alcoholic, I need your help.
Don't lecture me, blame or scold me. You wouldn't be angry at me for having TB or diabetes. Alcoholism is a disease too.
Don't pour out my liquor; it's a waste because I can always find ways of getting more. Don't let me provoke your anger. If you attack me verbally or physically, you will only confirm my bad opinion about myself.
I hate myself enough already. Don't let your love and anxiety for me lead you into doing what I ought to do for myself. If you assume my responsibilities, you make my failure to assume them permanent.
My sense of guilt will be increased, and you will feel resentful. Don't accept my promises. I'll promise anything to get off the hook. But the nature of my illness prevents me from keeping my promises, even though I mean them at the time. Don't make empty threats.
Once you have made a decision, stick to it. Don't believe everything I tell you; it may be a lie. Denial of reality is a symptom of my illness. Moreover, I'm likely to lose respect for those I can fool easily, and u know it.
Don't let me take advantage of you or exploit you in any way. Love cannot exist for long without the dimension of justice. Don't cover up for me or try in any way to spare me the consequences of my drinking. Don't lie for me, pay my bills, or meet my obligations. It may avert or reduce the very crisis that would prompt me to seek help.
I can continue to deny that I have a drinking problem as long as you provide an automatic escape for the consequences of my drinking. Above all, do learn all you can about alcoholism and your role in relation to me.
Go to open AA meetings when you can. Attend Al-Anon meetings regularly, read the literature and keep in touch with al-anon members. They're the people who can help you see the whole situation clearly.
I love you.
Your Alcoholic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 245
Originally Posted by kv816 
I was mad at so much as it was Al-Anon itself. Someone asked me why I was so upset with Al-Anon. I didn't have to think too hard about it. I was angry because before I started going, before I had learned all that I had, things weren't really that bad. But I went and I learned about boundaries and detaching and not enabling anymore and a light bulb went off in my head that no matter what I did or what I said there was nothing I could do to fix him and knowing all of that made our relationship go DOWNHILL!! And down FAST! I was SOOO angry!!!
To My Wife,
I am an alcoholic, I need your help.
Don't lecture me, blame or scold me. You wouldn't be angry at me for having TB or diabetes. Alcoholism is a disease too.
Don't pour out my liquor; it's a waste because I can always find ways of getting more. Don't let me provoke your anger. If you attack me verbally or physically, you will only confirm my bad opinion about myself.
I hate myself enough already. Don't let your love and anxiety for me lead you into doing what I ought to do for myself. If you assume my responsibilities, you make my failure to assume them permanent.
My sense of guilt will be increased, and you will feel resentful. Don't accept my promises. I'll promise anything to get off the hook. But the nature of my illness prevents me from keeping my promises, even though I mean them at the time. Don't make empty threats.
Once you have made a decision, stick to it. Don't believe everything I tell you; it may be a lie. Denial of reality is a symptom of my illness. Moreover, I'm likely to lose respect for those I can fool easily, and u know it.
Don't let me take advantage of you or exploit you in any way. Love cannot exist for long without the dimension of justice. Don't cover up for me or try in any way to spare me the consequences of my drinking. Don't lie for me, pay my bills, or meet my obligations. It may avert or reduce the very crisis that would prompt me to seek help.
I can continue to deny that I have a drinking problem as long as you provide an automatic escape for the consequences of my drinking. Above all, do learn all you can about alcoholism and your role in relation to me.
Go to open AA meetings when you can. Attend Al-Anon meetings regularly, read the literature and keep in touch with al-anon members. They're the people who can help you see the whole situation clearly.
I love you.
Your Alcoholic
To My Wife,
I am an alcoholic, I need your help.
Don't lecture me, blame or scold me. You wouldn't be angry at me for having TB or diabetes. Alcoholism is a disease too.
Don't pour out my liquor; it's a waste because I can always find ways of getting more. Don't let me provoke your anger. If you attack me verbally or physically, you will only confirm my bad opinion about myself.
I hate myself enough already. Don't let your love and anxiety for me lead you into doing what I ought to do for myself. If you assume my responsibilities, you make my failure to assume them permanent.
My sense of guilt will be increased, and you will feel resentful. Don't accept my promises. I'll promise anything to get off the hook. But the nature of my illness prevents me from keeping my promises, even though I mean them at the time. Don't make empty threats.
Once you have made a decision, stick to it. Don't believe everything I tell you; it may be a lie. Denial of reality is a symptom of my illness. Moreover, I'm likely to lose respect for those I can fool easily, and u know it.
Don't let me take advantage of you or exploit you in any way. Love cannot exist for long without the dimension of justice. Don't cover up for me or try in any way to spare me the consequences of my drinking. Don't lie for me, pay my bills, or meet my obligations. It may avert or reduce the very crisis that would prompt me to seek help.
I can continue to deny that I have a drinking problem as long as you provide an automatic escape for the consequences of my drinking. Above all, do learn all you can about alcoholism and your role in relation to me.
Go to open AA meetings when you can. Attend Al-Anon meetings regularly, read the literature and keep in touch with al-anon members. They're the people who can help you see the whole situation clearly.
I love you.
Your Alcoholic
My point was, at the beginning, I felt if I could just get a sponsor, she would tell me what to say. How to make this madness stop. She would tell me to do whatever it was because she knows what "works." So even though I knew I couldn't fix it, someone I was in a hurry to get a sponsor so she could teach me the tough love I need to give.
Now, and it has only been many 2 or 3 months that I have been going to Al Anon, I still want a sponsor, but I guess I'm not so frantic about it.
Thank you for the letter. Dealing with alcoholism is just horrible.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
If you ever find that Wonder Woman Sponsor, let us all get to know her as well please.
She could tell us all what to say and do to make the madness stop.
She could teach us all what "works" and how to do it.
she could help us all with the problem of tough love.
Don't we wish this Fairy GodMother was here to wave her magic wand and make it all so much easier for us.
Oh Well, here comes reality. No such animal, so back to working on healing myself.
Was a lovely idea, for a short while anyway.
Couldn't resist having a bit of fun here. Forgive my sense of humour.
God bless
She could tell us all what to say and do to make the madness stop.
She could teach us all what "works" and how to do it.
she could help us all with the problem of tough love.
Don't we wish this Fairy GodMother was here to wave her magic wand and make it all so much easier for us.
Oh Well, here comes reality. No such animal, so back to working on healing myself.
Was a lovely idea, for a short while anyway.
Couldn't resist having a bit of fun here. Forgive my sense of humour.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: London
Posts: 51
Tough Love
Good morning everyone. My name is Kerry, my fiance Oliver is an alcoholic. Oliver and I went to school together, I am 29 and he is 32. In May 2011 Oliver admitted himself into alcohol rehab. This was after a gruelling 17 month spriral into the depths of dispair. Sadly in November, Oliver relapsed. First by using cocaine, then progressing onto alcohol. I feel like I have been transported right back to hell on earth in an instance. Only this time round we know our only option is detachment. We have acted quickly, we have stopped enabling Oliver and are untied in doing so. This has made him angry, he probably feels like he is suddenly falling without a parachute.
Oliver is my life and I will do whatever is necessary no matter how hard. I have no doubt that ''tough love'' is our only option, the only one that may have any success and for the well being of us and our alcoholic we will let him fall. Of course we will be right there waiting, when he finally reaches out for help.....
Alcoholism is a brutal and complex disease... but that doesn't mean it has to win. Never abandon hope.
Oliver is my life and I will do whatever is necessary no matter how hard. I have no doubt that ''tough love'' is our only option, the only one that may have any success and for the well being of us and our alcoholic we will let him fall. Of course we will be right there waiting, when he finally reaches out for help.....
Alcoholism is a brutal and complex disease... but that doesn't mean it has to win. Never abandon hope.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
Oliver is my life and I will do whatever is necessary no matter how hard.
glad you are here. here we talk about the 3 C's....you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it.
i sense that you feel that detaching will make him come to his senses. it might, it might not.
i am afraid you are underestimating how insiduous this disease is. the addict will get help when they decide to and there is absolutely nothing you can do about that.
i hope you stick around and learn and read and please consider going to alanon.
alcohol doesn't have to win but it normally does. please accept that.
naive
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: London
Posts: 51
Hi Naive,
I think maybe my post had the wrong choice of words. I fully understand what you are saying and what's more I agree. We have stopped enabling Oliver, we are all living our lives and looking after ourselves. Anything we do, we do for our well being not his. Of course that said we all want to do what is best for Oliver too. It is sometimes easier to enable him than to not! If or when Oliver wants help we will be there to support him but until that point all Olivers choices are his own.
I think maybe my post had the wrong choice of words. I fully understand what you are saying and what's more I agree. We have stopped enabling Oliver, we are all living our lives and looking after ourselves. Anything we do, we do for our well being not his. Of course that said we all want to do what is best for Oliver too. It is sometimes easier to enable him than to not! If or when Oliver wants help we will be there to support him but until that point all Olivers choices are his own.
Linkin Park Enthusiast
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
I think that the process of detachment is especially hard because you think that you are going to force the addict to change when you stop enabling them. The truth is, you are detaching because you can't worry about their actions anymore. You can't suffer the consequences of their actions. You have to worry about yourself.
I think that is why they get so angry and go out and drink more or fall even deeper down their spiral. Somewhere down inside, they know that they are self destructing, and without your help, it will be even harder for them to continue to hide their problem. At least this is the way it is for me. The manipulations, the I love you's, all that bs, it's just bs. Once they see that you are too strong for all that, they will see how serious you are. And yeah, sometimes you need to walk away. Sometimes relationships are irreparably damaged. Sometimes they aren't. But the detachment will never work if you do it with the purpose of changing them. You do it for the purpose of changing YOU. THEY ARE NOT YOUR PROBLEM ANYMORE.
(I put that in all caps, cuz I wanted to remind myself. I am very good at the psychobabble, but I often forget to tell myself what I tell others, and I often need it.)
I think that is why they get so angry and go out and drink more or fall even deeper down their spiral. Somewhere down inside, they know that they are self destructing, and without your help, it will be even harder for them to continue to hide their problem. At least this is the way it is for me. The manipulations, the I love you's, all that bs, it's just bs. Once they see that you are too strong for all that, they will see how serious you are. And yeah, sometimes you need to walk away. Sometimes relationships are irreparably damaged. Sometimes they aren't. But the detachment will never work if you do it with the purpose of changing them. You do it for the purpose of changing YOU. THEY ARE NOT YOUR PROBLEM ANYMORE.
(I put that in all caps, cuz I wanted to remind myself. I am very good at the psychobabble, but I often forget to tell myself what I tell others, and I often need it.)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: London
Posts: 51
Hi Inpeices,
Thank you for your post, talking or emailing in this case always helps me process my thoughts.
Recovery, mine as well starts with truth. So here it is. I am not doing it for only myself, nor am I doing only for him. I am doing it for us both. Right or wrong, I don't know. Today has been tough, we deducted £100 from Olivers wages. Money he took from the business last week for drugs and alcohol.
Oliver is cross, apparently we are un-fair to do so, we are wrong bla bla.. I am sure you have all heard it many times before. I wonder if he realises that all I hear when he behaves such ways is ''I am not ready for recovery yet''.
Oliver can do as he pleases but it will be him who suffers the consequences. Not us, the business. This evening I am going to the gym. I will do a 10K run, I will do some weight training and then a steam and sauna. Exercise is my passion, it makes me happy and is all that is on my agenda tonight.
I used to only go anywhere if Olly was safe, occupied, baby sat even but these days I go where I want, when I want. It's my life too.
I can't pretend I'm not scared though. Olivers drinking in the past got so bad he needed rehab. Now he is drinking again, the fears creep in that maybe it was all in vain, that maybe he will never get better.
What will be, will be. I can only control my own life, not his.
Thank you for your post, talking or emailing in this case always helps me process my thoughts.
Recovery, mine as well starts with truth. So here it is. I am not doing it for only myself, nor am I doing only for him. I am doing it for us both. Right or wrong, I don't know. Today has been tough, we deducted £100 from Olivers wages. Money he took from the business last week for drugs and alcohol.
Oliver is cross, apparently we are un-fair to do so, we are wrong bla bla.. I am sure you have all heard it many times before. I wonder if he realises that all I hear when he behaves such ways is ''I am not ready for recovery yet''.
Oliver can do as he pleases but it will be him who suffers the consequences. Not us, the business. This evening I am going to the gym. I will do a 10K run, I will do some weight training and then a steam and sauna. Exercise is my passion, it makes me happy and is all that is on my agenda tonight.
I used to only go anywhere if Olly was safe, occupied, baby sat even but these days I go where I want, when I want. It's my life too.
I can't pretend I'm not scared though. Olivers drinking in the past got so bad he needed rehab. Now he is drinking again, the fears creep in that maybe it was all in vain, that maybe he will never get better.
What will be, will be. I can only control my own life, not his.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
I'm one of the few where it has actually worked, but I understand what you're saying. For awhile I was thinking, 'what's the point, he'll just keep drinking" especially after reading some of the stories on here. I had to get to my own personal point of accepting that I could and would do what I needed for myself. In my case it was more about learning what an alcoholic "looks like", because I had a certain (naive) idea of what one was.
I also think there are other factors that play a part in whether an alcoholic truly finds recovery: how long they've been drinking (because it's progressive), the way they were raised as a child (if an alcoholic grew up sober in a bad home environment, and later became an alcoholic, they have nothing "good" from their sober life to really want to get sober), how their personality is. JMHO.
I also think there are other factors that play a part in whether an alcoholic truly finds recovery: how long they've been drinking (because it's progressive), the way they were raised as a child (if an alcoholic grew up sober in a bad home environment, and later became an alcoholic, they have nothing "good" from their sober life to really want to get sober), how their personality is. JMHO.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: London
Posts: 51
I think every alcoholic makes a unique journey. I try not to be disheartened by those that don't make it nor to grasp desperately onto those that do. I try to stay realistic but as positive as possible but who wouldn;t be scared?
Olly's up bringing couldn't have been any better. His problems stem from something later on in life. The suicide of his 21 year old brother. At 18 years he old found him. he was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress. He received intense treatment for PTS and he only ever praises the doctors that treated him as there are no more flash backs, night terrors etc and by all accounts his issue is now solely alcohol, not PTS. OHe was a cocaine addict for about 4 years, he stopped that by replacing it with alcohol. He drank for about 3.5 years before going to rehab for 28 days and staying sober for 5 months. He relapsed on the 20th December and again on the 20th January and has been drunk now for the last three weekends. Ranging from 1-3 days.
I live my life, friends and family ask how I hold it together, how I can be so chirpy and the answer is what choice do i have?
But I am scared. I accept I can't fix him but I find it hard to accept that he may never fix himself.
Olly's up bringing couldn't have been any better. His problems stem from something later on in life. The suicide of his 21 year old brother. At 18 years he old found him. he was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress. He received intense treatment for PTS and he only ever praises the doctors that treated him as there are no more flash backs, night terrors etc and by all accounts his issue is now solely alcohol, not PTS. OHe was a cocaine addict for about 4 years, he stopped that by replacing it with alcohol. He drank for about 3.5 years before going to rehab for 28 days and staying sober for 5 months. He relapsed on the 20th December and again on the 20th January and has been drunk now for the last three weekends. Ranging from 1-3 days.
I live my life, friends and family ask how I hold it together, how I can be so chirpy and the answer is what choice do i have?
But I am scared. I accept I can't fix him but I find it hard to accept that he may never fix himself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
I don't know who told you that...
...but I think it's ********.
When I quit enabling the drinking did not get worse, and even if it did how much worse could it get? It was already destroying her life, my life, and our daughter's life.
When I quit enabling slowly but surely she started to get better and has now been sober for over a year. Our life is getting better too.
Bottom line, when you quit enabling he may get worse, he may stay the same, or he may get better. You can't control that-- it is what it is and will be what it will be. However, you will get better.
And you getting better is why we're here. We are here for you, not him. He has to do it on his own or if there's even a chance of it happening it won't. By stopping enabling you are giving him a chance to succeed. By enabling him you are helping pull him under.
Take care,
Cyranoak
When I quit enabling the drinking did not get worse, and even if it did how much worse could it get? It was already destroying her life, my life, and our daughter's life.
When I quit enabling slowly but surely she started to get better and has now been sober for over a year. Our life is getting better too.
Bottom line, when you quit enabling he may get worse, he may stay the same, or he may get better. You can't control that-- it is what it is and will be what it will be. However, you will get better.
And you getting better is why we're here. We are here for you, not him. He has to do it on his own or if there's even a chance of it happening it won't. By stopping enabling you are giving him a chance to succeed. By enabling him you are helping pull him under.
Take care,
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by whyamistaying
I have heard a few times that once I stopped doing x and y it is to be expected that his drinking will get worse? Why is that?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
It is my experience and that of many others here that yes, when we stop enabling things get worse... Maybe drinking doesn't always increase but in my experience, ending the enabling ='d far more anger than ever before from AH.
To be honest, the behavior I read of over and over here and which my own experience supports is not unlike that of the domestic violence cycle where the proven most dangerous time in a r/s is when the abused partner decides to leave. The ability for the abuser to control that person is gone and they freak out. My AH is both an alcoholic and an abuser and so when I stopped engaging, enabling and doing the dance with him that he wanted he got waaaaaaaay angrier and scarier than ever before and it is continuing. Perhaps there is reason to think that some of this is a gender issue? Maybe more men than women get more aggressive when their partners stop enabling?
All I know is that while I have no idea if AH's drinking increased, I DO know that his rage, his attempts to control and manipulate and his ability to do harm to me and my children ALL increased exponentially once I stopped playing his game. It's a way to try and scare me into going back to doing what he wants (which is to enable him and provide him an excuse to drink).
I'll be honest; it sucks a lot right now. I am scared, I am seeing my kids hurt by their father, I am missing days of work and spending money I don't have to deal with the legal issues that AH is creating bc of his behavior and bc the courts give people way too many chances IMO.
BUT, despite all of that I am still glad that he is gone, that I am not enabling him and that I will someday have a peaceful life free from him.
So, yes, it is common and you may face a LOT of resistance, push back, anger, blame etc... when and if you stop enabling.
It's not unusual and come here often for support... You'll get it...
To be honest, the behavior I read of over and over here and which my own experience supports is not unlike that of the domestic violence cycle where the proven most dangerous time in a r/s is when the abused partner decides to leave. The ability for the abuser to control that person is gone and they freak out. My AH is both an alcoholic and an abuser and so when I stopped engaging, enabling and doing the dance with him that he wanted he got waaaaaaaay angrier and scarier than ever before and it is continuing. Perhaps there is reason to think that some of this is a gender issue? Maybe more men than women get more aggressive when their partners stop enabling?
All I know is that while I have no idea if AH's drinking increased, I DO know that his rage, his attempts to control and manipulate and his ability to do harm to me and my children ALL increased exponentially once I stopped playing his game. It's a way to try and scare me into going back to doing what he wants (which is to enable him and provide him an excuse to drink).
I'll be honest; it sucks a lot right now. I am scared, I am seeing my kids hurt by their father, I am missing days of work and spending money I don't have to deal with the legal issues that AH is creating bc of his behavior and bc the courts give people way too many chances IMO.
BUT, despite all of that I am still glad that he is gone, that I am not enabling him and that I will someday have a peaceful life free from him.
So, yes, it is common and you may face a LOT of resistance, push back, anger, blame etc... when and if you stop enabling.
It's not unusual and come here often for support... You'll get it...
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