TakingCharge999

I suppose I was going to know sooner or later.

Yesterday two coworkers gave me the news and told me xabf was getting his life straight, doing much better, trying to build a life with gf, has started to think about marriage and quote 'no longer arriving drunk to work nowadays'.

One of the coworkers told me that I was the only one feeling bad all this time, that everybody was happy. Kick in the gut. He told me the same last year at this time when I knew he got someone else. I am no longer talking to him (not that I was before, really but this convinced me for good).

I cried my heart out yesterday from 5PM to 3 AM. Left from work early. I started feeling bad, called my boss almost crying, went to a doc, got an UTI -ugh- and need some shots for the next 5 days.

It really helped me to take it one breathe at a time, yesterday I had to walk home, take a bath, drive to a bank, get money, buy water and food, go back home, and all that seemed unsurmountable with my pain but I just thought "one step at a time" "drive from X to Y safely" and it got easier. I felt very very lonely. No phone or internet at the new apartment...

So when I came back home I was there crying not even sure about what anymore, for frustration due to my noisy place and uncertainty, physical pain or thinking xabf is good xabf once again just with someone else.

I tried to feel my pain without judgment but it felt like taking 200000000000000 steps backwards.

Today I woke up sad but fresh. And I thought about those words "he no longer comes drunk!!" I mean, we should all give him an award for Employee of the Year LOL.

Thanks to meds I am able to concentrate at work today and see this more rationally and with more distance. I have heard people say you get "addicted" to meds but I know they are ignorant. I am more at peace knowing no matter how much you try, if you do not generate enough serotonine it is not your fault and it is ok to balance the chemicals in your brain...

It was very painful but I needed to remember all of the bad times. Why am I so eager to believe he "has changed"? The only thing that has changed is that he has not drank for 3 days. And arrived in time at work.

I remember all the times he said "I AM SORRY, IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN" and it happened again and worse...

I remember when he put a show of having his life together, not drinking, Jekyll in short, then acting like a total jerk when he could no longer hide Hyde. Or when I was alone with him and vulnerable, when the party was over.

I remember what I have read here about alcoholism and how it is a spiral, and there are times alcoholics don't drink or act differently but unless it is sustained recovery and abstinence it is just temporary.

I remember the 3 Cs, I can't cure him; I suffered a lot yesterday thinking "he changed for her" but no, perhaps he changed for himself and if so more power to him...

I doubt the change they are talking has anything to do with the change I imagine. I caught myself in my own wishful thinking.

I remember the happy picture they got. Why do I think they got all I want? For all I know she may be happy being insulted when having sex. For all I know she may find normal to spend the whole Sunday caring for someone with a hangover. For all I know she is just like me and believes him when he says he will cut back or he will never insult her again.

I also remember the HW store. What did I want to find when I went to his place? A note saying "Hi Sandra! Don't mind my pictures. Remember the same could have been taken with us just before I abused you again and again, and again. Remember your promise you were going to be happy without me. Nothing has been personal. I know I have caused harm and I need to cling to my enabler and fellow alcoholic" LOL...

Why do I expect discretion and respect from him? I realize nothing is a surprise. Xabs acts independent and unpredictable but in truth he is dependent on alcohol and enablers and the most predictable person. Something was menaced and he is Jekyll nowadays.

Would I forgive him and forget everything and be with him happily again? no
Would I sleep relaxed not knowing if I would wake up with Jekyll or Hyde? no
Would I be ok walking on eggshells not knowing when he would drink more again? no
Have the other coworkers been with him 24x7? no
Do they know about alcoholism? no
Is it worth talking to them not knowing when they will come up with more news? no
Is it worth talking to ppl that make me feel my experience is not valid, that I imagined everything and my hurt and mourning are 'exaggeration'? no

So I feel better. In the "mental committee" as LTD says, there is a struggle but at least I hear a new voice that is defending myself and shouting as loud as others now. That voice was not there before.

Today I realize I can go No Contact again and that I am powerless over everyone. I am kind of working the 3rd step knowing God has a plan and everything is happening for a reason. I am just a pawn and I can only try to fill my role to the best of my ability. I can't control the future.

It is unfair to me to compare me with someone else.
It is unfair to think someone's life robs me of joy or anything else.
It is unfair to me to suffer about things that only happen in my imagination. I don't know reality.

For all the times he could have avoided a drink, he chose to drink.
He made me cry and made empty promises he ALWAYS broke.
He lied and he lied by omission. He never accepted he had lied.
He criticized me and told everyone I had issues and that is why he broke up with me. Truth is I arrived home telling him I would leave. And he had a beer in his hand at the moment.

He could have said or written stuff to make me feel better. He did not.
He knows I am around and has not given a second thought on how I may feel about knowing his love adventures. He did not give a damn just after the breakup and he does not give a damn today October 7th 2009.


What stinks for me is how close he is. All the times I have been away I have healed faster. This constant wound reopening has been the worst experience I've had.

It hurts my ego to know how easy it has been for him, you know? One thing is to break up and then after some time hear they are with someone else and marrying... that has happened before... and it doesn't hurt that bad.

With this one I know he mourned one week, then I ran into him at odd places in the morning and I knew he had not slept at home. He arrived with the same clothes next day smiling. It took one week to mourn. Then it seems he has been skating all this time having a great year. That really gets me, you know? why does everything seem so smooth for him?

Then I remember he has his friend alcohol to make him forget the bad times and I don't. THAT is why bad times don't exist for him, if there is anything he quickly drowns them. At least I see my feelings and face them as they are. Even if it sucks at least I live in reality.

It seems he is happy and very much in love and I wonder why I let that joy go away. I do not think I would feel that way again, excited over someone, etc. With bf it seems I got a friend and someone to share life with, hug me when I am sad but not the excitement. I feel numb. Don't get me wrong - I have been honest with bf and he has also shared stuff about his past. We agree we need to move forward and stop looking back, to anything, romance, past friendships or moments, etc.


It is painful at this moment to think someone can erase me just like that. Do they sell those erasers at wal mart?

And that perhaps its true - and he could have cut down on drinking anytime. And he chose not to even when it hurt me. And he chose drink over what we had. Over me.

I need to let go of him. I am asking for my codie no more book. It will be my companion during the afternoons when I'm with the cat among boxes, with a headache and ALL the memories start coming in again.

Never controlled him or alcohol. It kills me not to know if anything was real at all. I go from sad to angry to numb to worried to dettached.

It hurts a lot but my life depends on not going to Codie Hell anymore. I am struggling not to remember the good times. Yesterday they got the best of me.

I need to remember his worst moments and picture them when I see him around with everyone thinking he is becoming adult and responsible.

I don't know about his present but I know how he was with ME. God took him away for a reason. My gut, my gut told me to RUN. I need to remember that feeling. I hope after this wave washes away I feel stronger and more sure about my decisions.

Focusing on ME is the key. I don't want a player. I don't want a jerk. I don't want someone who can put other through hell and shrug it off and even laugh about it. I don't want someone in denial. I don't want eggshells. I don't want a Hyde acting like Jekyll for some convenient reason. I don't want a lier. I made the best decision for myself. In the long run this hurt is nothing compared to what could be. He can be Happiest Man Alive without me? great. Because that means I too, can be happy without him too. How I live my life is not up to him. It's not up to him. It's not up to him...

And the future is not up to me.

I moved everything to attend a live Al anon and the group is no longer there.
But TODAY I can drive around another Al anon group and take note of the meeting schedules. I desperately need someone who understands here... I thought I had moved forward but now I see I am not there yet.. at all..

The day before yesterday bf took me to dinner and he told me he wanted to see me happy, that I was going to improve my life and one day we would be worrying about smoothie recipes...

I got some emails back from family and I felt their love and care, I have isolated so much this year and I am trying to reach out to people that get me or care about ME.

Thanks for listening and if you read my novel thank you very much!! Its priceless to be able to be honest with people that understand ((hugs))

wanting

I wish I had some sage advice for you, but I don't. I couldn't read and not respond. I would feel totally devastated in this situation, but it's clear from reading your post that you are much further along in recovery than I am.

The most likely scenario is that he hasn't changed and if they get married, they will be miserable.

And if he has changed, it's not because of some girl. If anything, you leaving him could have sparked something in the way of change.

Either way, you made the best decision you could for yourself. His behavior of flaunting his relationship in your face shows how little he cares for others. You deserve so much better and you will find it. Just stay on your path.

dothi

Hi TC999 You're on the ball with this post, but I couldn't help going through and giving some point-by-point assurrances. If you don't mind

Quote:

Originally Posted by TakingCharge999

One of the coworkers told me that I was the only one feeling bad all this time, that everybody was happy.

Just want to remind you. This is a coworker - NOT a friend. They don't know the whole picture - only what they are seeing on the surface. What they have to say is not a reflection of your reality.

Quote:

Originally Posted by TakingCharge999

I thought about those words "he no longer comes drunk!!" I mean, we should all give him an award for Employee of the Year LOL.

Just because we practice recovery by drawing limits on what we will tolerate does not mean that the people around us have. For some of them, this is a wonderful surprise. For you, it is a standard. And keep in mind these people have a lot less invested in him as a coworker than they would as a relationship partner. They don't know firsthand.

Quote:

Originally Posted by TakingCharge999

Why am I so eager to believe he "has changed"? The only thing that has changed is that he has not drank for 3 days. And arrived in time at work.

Because this is your worst fear. You held on so long and hoping that he would finally wake up and see the light. What's the worst thing that could happen now that you've finally let go? It would be for that long-held dream to actually come true.

This is just a slap in the face for you because it flaunts what you wanted so badly while you were still in the relationship.

Quote:

Originally Posted by TakingCharge999

I doubt the change they are talking has anything to do with the change I imagine.

Alcoholics can say many things that sound so great on the outside. Look! He's not drinking! He's taking charge of his life! He's found someone and getting married! What a guy in charge! ..... NOT

You already know this but nothing he is doing now is dealing with his addiction. He is still using bandages to hold together a broken arm, except this time the bandage = marriage.

Quote:

Originally Posted by TakingCharge999

I remember the happy picture they got. Why do I think they got all I want? For all I know she may be happy being insulted when having sex. For all I know she may find normal to spend the whole Sunday caring for someone with a hangover. For all I know she is just like me and believes him when he says he will cut back or he will never insult her again.

Remember how manipulators work (and addicts are often the craftiest manipulators). They show their bset sides first. That's how they seduce you. Have you ever heard how important it is to make a good impression when you meet people? Well addicts give 150% so that you are stuck with the impression of what an amazing and wonderful person they are. Over time level wears down to 100% (oh he's having a bad day) to 50% (he wasn't like this before) to 0% (pure selfishness, you wondering what you can do to "fix the problem"). Any why wouldn't you think there's a problem? After all, things started out so good? It's only natural you'd want them to be that good again EXCEPT that in reality he was never that good.

Quote:

Originally Posted by TakingCharge999

"Hi Sandra! Don't mind my pictures. Remember the same could have been taken with us just before I abused you again and again, and again. Remember your promise you were going to be happy without me."

Again what an a**hole. He is playing on your worst fears. He's pointing out the things over which you've struggled not to doubt yourself. He is undermining you by creating doubt.



You have a really good handle on this, TC999. Alcoholic or not, it is rough on anyone to see their ex everyday, let alone at work or in another relationship. Even if it were a relationship free of addiction it would still be hard. So please cut yourself a break, pat yourself on the back, and know that you are persevering forward.

TakingCharge999

Thank you wanting for your kind words...

anvilhead you are right, that is what I felt yesterday. But the past few months I have done much better, no contact helped a lot...

This news triggered my Codie Self and you are right in that its a question of fairness to both of us for me to let go of the past. Thank you for that. Its a question of fairness... nothing else.

I talked a while ago about unfinished business with my therapist and she said we will always have unfinished business and we will never be alright and ready for anything in life lol.. that we learn along the way.. and its ok to keep releasing past stuff. She said I had a very stable project going on and that was a chance to learn new ways to interact and feel safe.

I will listen to my real self and see what gives me more peace at this time. I do not think I am playing with bf in all honesty. For me playing would be parading him and convincing everyone about how great he is blah blah and trying for him to erase and replace.

I have been honest with him, he knows I've been hurt by someone and he has been honest about some thoughts/feelings he has towards his own past romances.... we agree our hearts are like a hostel and no one new is going to replace anyone else that was in our lives. And that we both need to strive to live for today and create a good future for both of us...

He does not feel menaced, he knows I am not going back. Just as I don't worry about him going back to his ex... He just thinks I've got too much on my plate.

Perhaps right now its because it feels more like a friendship than a romance.... and that is what convinces me this is a good person I should not let go, that provides stability and accepts me 100%.

When I think "perhaps this doesn't feel like it has done before because its actually HEALTHY and I can be/feel whatever, even mourning and its no big deal"

I told you I am not the one with most clarity in the room.. LOL.

I am done hurting and being hurt. I will do anything, anything for PEACE...
((thanks for your support all along))

GiveLove

But really -- what DOESN'T Jimmy Cliff make better?

TC, you will be okay. I promise you will.

transformyself

Girl my AH got a GF, brought her into my house while I was gone with the kids to see my sister, and when I busted him, he moved 8 blocks away livin it up with her, parading around town. That was April 08. You know what I did?

I was totally traumatized. I couldn't eat, sleep, work, drive or parent for a long while, but I didn't let him see that. I went to yoga, lost 30 pounds, I mowed the lawn, fixed the table, I ate better, I cried until my face looked like a tomato and I took back my life.

You can lay down and die. Lots have. Or you can detach from him. You have to make up your mind to do it. Evict him from your thoughts. Every time he comes up in your mind, move your thoughts to what you're going to do RIGHT NOW to make your life better.

When I busted him, I spent the day on the floor face down. Then the next morning I got up and said, "oh no you don't." And I booked a flight back to Key West for a month. When he came home from work I said, "I'm going back to my sisters . I"m leaving you with both kids for a month and when I get back you will move out." When I got to my sisters I will never forget looking at her and saying, "what kind of woman do I want to be? I have to make that happen."

YOU can make that happen. If I can do it, you can. Just don't take the J*** O** back like I did. Big, big mistake.

End of lecture.

TakingCharge999

Thanks dothi... thanks.
I need to work steps 1,2 and 3.
Although I think I will always be in Step 1.

I hope I can become the healthier person I want to be one day and get over all these gut reactions and feel grateful some prayers have been answered, if its real.. how many times did I ask God to take care of him and make him see he had a problem? Someday for the good times I hope I can be ok knowing he is finding some joy. In short, dettach with love. I would LOVE to be that person and have such a compassionate heart.

Also I think it's great for me passing by his place and work as if nothing happens even if he has Big Apple signs showing his new life off.

The motto being Jadmack's "you can fool everyone even yourself, but not ME. I know. I was there, I saw it, I felt it, I lived it and its true regardless of denial around". This part is tricky but I am getting better. Sheeesh, how easy for other's denial to make you doubt yourself for the Nth time.

I ask God to take my bandages off and let me see reality. And wake me up, let me be grateful I still got a chance to be a bride someday, to someone who is not capable of hurting others this way. To a man with a huge heart willing to learn and strive to be a better person, who will be a real father to my kids.

TakingCharge999

transform I think its a little too late, ex and enabler already saw me crying, looking like a zombie, etc etc LOL you name my worst moments this year, they were right there every place. And he always got glasses and iPod so he always looked cool and fine

But that was then.........

I will call People magazine so they can write "Comeback of the year" an article on ME lol... I may create a mock article in Macromedia Fireworks with pictures, etc.. I think it would be fun.

I am losing some weight and dressing more fashionable, I thought that was dumb but I am realizing it helps me feel better. Starting to focus on ourselves is very difficult ahh but when we finally make it we realize we are capable of becoming the woman we want to be.

I am feeling much better now...

I know better, I know better than this. Thanks to SR!!

((HUGS))

transformyself

Good!

and yes, please send me a message with that article, it will be both good therapy and hilarious!

wanting

About the "Comeback of the Year" article...

I'm on another forum that is based around Law of Attraction stuff, and we have a section on the forum where we post stuff we want as if it's already happened.

So the one I posted a few months ago went like this:

Remember my sad divorce? Best thing that EVER happened to me!

Wow, I can hardly remember that sad girl I was a few months ago. Now I can see that my ex-husband leaving me was the best thing that ever happened to me! With all that negative energy gone from the house, I was able to finally feel free to live the life I always wanted! My business exploded just after he moved out. It's amazing! He left, and all of a sudden, the creativity and motivation inside of me just started bubbling! I'm going out with friends, dating, doing things that I always wanted to do. I've been traveling, eating at restaurants that I always wanted to eat at. And I've gotten so healthy and have lost 40 pounds!!! Amazing how losing the negativity in my life made me shed the weight. And, now that I have complete control over my finances, I've been able to save up enough money for the down payment on a house! Oh, and I'm taking the kids on a week-long Disney cruise, which my oldest has always wanted to do!

It seems silly, but it was really fun to write it and give myself a clear picture of where I want to be in a year (or less!) and I refer back to it from time to time when I am slacking on creating the life that I want.

tryintosmile

I have no advice, but would like to tell you a little story that may help quell some of those feelings you have about him being 'this great guy' to someone else, that he couldn't be to you. Doing things for her that he wouldn't for you.

In a past relationship, I lived with a man for 6 years. He wasn't an alcoholic, but he was emotionally and verbally abusive. I was so smitten by this man, I would have given him the world, but he did hurtful things. Just one of many examples is that he went on a 35 and under excursion to Europe for singles, without me, when he was 33 and I was 36. Emotional abuse like that, while I was living with him. Anyway - I couldn't handle the way he treated me and moved out. We were still seeing one another though (stupid me - but I couldn't let go).

One day when I was over when literally out of the blue, he told me that he'd met the woman he was going to marry. He'd known her less than a month, and she lived in a city 300 miles away. He moved down there while our house was still for sale. I was crushed. I heard through the grapevine that he'd married and had a child. He started contacting me again shortly after that. He even came up here for work and wanted to get together. Then I didn't hear from him for a long time. I was still crushed, and couldn't get over what you're feeling now. How could this man, who wouldn't commit, just do a full 180? It was ME of course - I wasn't good enough, I'd thought.

Well he didn't do that 180. He just made it LOOK as though he did. After his second child, he started having an affair and drinking heavily. Called ME in desperation! I STILL wanted contact, because I hadn't come to terms with what happened and became his 'friend', so I got to find out what was happening. Turns out I needed that, in order to be able to fully heal and let go, but what a waste - took me years to get over what had happened. SHOULDN'T HAVE!

His marriage crumbled. His wife got it annulled AFTER 7 YEARS (imagine what he put HER through)! His affair relationship eventually crumbled. And now he's living with a new woman and has bought a house with her. I think of him as a big loser now and wonder more about how his latest 'victim' is doing. But really - I don't think about him anymore at all. He took up way too much space in my head for far too long.

My point for telling you this story is that you can either wait out the years, wondering why why why? and was it me? and why couldn't I make the difference, etc. - like I did - but I can tell you from hard experience that it isn't worth your time and that you will see, in time, that you've made the best decision! If I had it to do over again, I would never have put myself through such anguish.

Sorry it's long, but hope it helps

TakingCharge999

thanks anvil no worries, you are right, I won't call her new or even enabler, better yet I won't refer to her anymore

can i throw some dirt? she drinks more than him. if that's possible. its funny because perhaps he is getting better and she is not. then he will be wondering why SHE prefers drinking than him if I were a story writer I would have that end...

She would flirt with someone else infront of xabf, then come home saying he was handsome. Then tell xabf he is "overly sensitive" for feeling offended. comment horrible things while drunk, waking up with a smile saying she does not remember, please pass the milk and can he lend her some money? Then found someone "not boring, spontaneous" and fill FB with their pictures dedicating the new guy the same songs and going to the same bars and beaches. And saying her ex was really bad in bed.

That would be justice in my book.

Yeahh!! why can't one be there when that happens? LOL.

Sometimes I just want to wake up in Cuernavaca when I am retired and I have forgot all this. Sorry this post was not recovery like!!

LaTeeDa

Really? Anything?

Including LETTING GO?

That's what it takes TC. You have to let go. Of him, of her, of the idea that he did those things TO YOU. He didn't. He just did them. Wouldn't have mattered if it was you or someone else. It's what they do. It had nothing to do with you then, and it has nothing to do with you now. He is an independent adult with the right to make his own decisions and carry out his life the way he sees fit. Doesn't matter if you agree or disagree. Doesn't matter one bit. Your paths crossed. Now they have diverged. He has his path to follow, and you have yours. Why do you keep looking over at his?

I wish I could adequately describe the relief and peace I felt when I finally LET GO. I wish I could share with you how good it feels. But, until you are done hurting yourself, nothing I or anyone else says will make it so.

L

TakingCharge999

Thanks LTD
I am reading "the language of letting go"
I can't let go if I don't know what it means.

IT seems letting go comes naturally when you trust God. So I am trying to trust God. And let the feelings pass...

I have lived my own life these last months, of course thinking about stuff but not letting it interfere with my own activities.. Hopefully this was a relapse only. Ahh considering the news I think I am doing well........

Its funny when you finally accept you are sad and feel it, it wasn't that bad after all, Ithought I would be crying for days again and no, today I feel better as a great weight has been lifted.

Or perhaps I just went insane.

PS I know I got a lot of work RE humility and not taking things personal or making them about ME.

lovtolaff

Takingcharge - I honestly don't know how you get through some of this stuff while working so close to him - that in and of itself is a HUGE accomplishment and you should know that you are a very very strong woman.

My only advice to you is keep on keeping on - if you have to think him - allow yourself a short specified amount of time and then cut it off!!

You are just like me - I too still think of my x and wonder how is life seems so grand with new g/f. However, when x and I were together, our life probably seemed grand to those on the outside too...but that was far from the truth.
But all of that doesn't matter - what matters is you and how far you have come from point A (alcoholic-ville lol) to point B (By God I will get thru this -ville).

Cry when you need to but stay strong and enjoy your life.

Big hugs to you.

TakingCharge999

When I think about how this breakup is different from many others I've had that I could let go, the most difficult thing is having a front row seat to his life. I have heard of other ex's getting married. With this one I was there when he started flirting with the girl. I ran into them almost daily. He brought her at the office often. To events. FB. His mourning was non existant. Its one thing to break up and know the other is perhaps reflecting like you do. Its another thing to break up and know who your ex is screwing a few days afterwards, in what bed and have him publish it to everyone including me, often. This constant exposure is what has made this all the most difficult. But it seems the first year is over so I am hopeful it will get easier, this dettachment thing you all talk about LOL.

TakingCharge999

Just passed by him laughing his a$$ off.

I am willing to trade the cat for some disengagement, anyone??

Got to wear the big girl pants and now I am deciding to stay in this great company and my staying has to do with my career, period.

MissFixit

Hugs

Cowgirl1265

TC, your struggle to let go is a difficult and long one. You have come so far. It seems that even though you know you need to let go, that you aren't doing so. It seems that even though you know you can't have expectations for this man's behavior, you continue to. His behavior would not bother you so much if that weren't the case. I am sorry this is so painful for you, you are a funny, warm, intelligent, sassy, beautiful woman and you deserve to have healthy relationships with people who love you as an equal, not men who treat you as if you are an option. Whether he has "truly" moved on or not is not relevant to your recovery.

Your life with him is over. He has moved on. Now, how can you do the same?

Is there a way that you can let your coworkers know you don't want updates on his life/relationship? Good OR bad? That may help you disengage.

You know that you are not going to feel better until you do.

Live

It has been YEARS since I was with a certain xabf and I have since been married and divorced to another man and am with a new fiancee now....but I will NEVER forget that feeling of being THE ONE one day and finding out I had been replaced the very next day. Totally gut-wrenching. Incomprehensible.

Now, I know that it is an illusion he needs to have and keep up. None of his relationships have worked out well. None of his many engagements since have actually resulted in marriage. And every one of those women got hurt, some very badly. And, no, he hasn't forgotten about me either. This is just his pattern and it plays only one song....called REPEAT

I DID need to see and know the reality of the matter in order to get past it.

Kudos to Dothi for her insight!

Take good care of yourself, feel your feelings, remain open....life moves on and with it, we learn more, see more, grow stronger.....trust your path, it is yours...you have proved your strength...you are awesome.....setbacks hurt, but usually in time I can find a lesson in them. Be true to yourself as you have been doing....you have come this far and you will not fall apart now. Do whatever you need to for yourself, we deserve our own compassion that we offer others so readily. You are still writing your story, there is much ahead, can you trust in that?
HUGS! (hope, unity, gratitude, serenity)
live