new here with AH...I'm the sane one aren't I?
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 3
new here with AH...I'm the sane one aren't I?
Recently (a month ago) I realized husband has become/is becoming alcoholic after discovering stash of vodka in garage. Am scared, angry, depressed, and feel very much out of my depth dealing with this. We have a 2 yr old child. Have read some on codependency here and elsewhere and realized with a shock that I recognize many of those dynamics from our relationship before alcohol. Ugh. I guess I would just like to share my story and perhaps get some validation/support that what seems crazy to me really is crazy. Have not gone to AlAnon yet, but have talked to local contact and am getting up my nerve, by the way.
AH grew up in very churchy, anti-alcohol house...he is now in his 40s
We have been together 7 yrs
Early on, we would very occasionally have social drink (once/month)
For the last several yrs I have not had any alcohol myself (migraine)
AH got more interested in alcohol maybe 2 yrs ago, started wine with dinner often ("more normal" than the way he grew up)
In Jan 09 AH came to me very upset, confessed that he had been drinking hard liquor after I went to bed (once to point of vomiting) and even drinking some at work since Fall 2008 (to deal with stress). Said he had stopped doing it, but had no intention of stopping wine with dinner. Said he was "experimenting," had felt deprived of normal high school/college alcohol experiences, and again this was "more normal" than abstinence.
For the next several months, it appeared that wine w/dinner was all he was drinking. Then, over the summer, I would sometimes smell hard liquor on his breath, or he would seem too intoxicated for the 1-2 wine glasses I saw him consume. But I second-guessed myself.
Then, I found the stash and realized he was drinking in the garage, then coming up to have a "moderate" drink of wine in front of me. He spent the last month getting drunker more often.
When I confronted him, he also confessed to drinking during workday again for past 3 mos at least. Also lots of the expected denial, minimizing, deflection of blame. Would not admit this is a problem, denied drunk driving (which seems impossible to me). Tried to bargain with me...finally said he would quit all alcohol til Christmas, but then resume "moderate" drinking (at first said wine only, then said he meant wine and hard liquor). Seemed very annoyed that we now have a "trust issue." We are now 2 wks into abstinence plan.
We have seen a marriage counselor with extensive experience in alcohol/drug abuse twice now. AH still insists he is in control of this, is not having withdrawal, uses his internet research to validate his drinking pattern, basically says I am the one having a problem with it.
Things he says seem absolutely absurd...like he isn't drinking in the building at work, just in his car in the parking lot...he isn't a "mean drunk"...he is "more present" to me when drunk than not...he's offended that I use the word "drunk" since he wasn't falling down (just unstable and beginning to slur words)...he is rebelling against his parents (at 47!!!)...this is just his "little secret"...he quit caffeine before so this is no big deal...if I was so concerned why didn't I confront him sooner (so it's my fault?)..he just does it because it's fun...it goes on of course.
This is crazy, right? This is alcoholism, right?
I feel like I am on the tracks with a train coming. He has spent at least half of the last year abusing alcohol, this last time more recklessly than before. I feel that relapse is only a matter of time...if he even makes it to Xmas.
Part of me already feels done with it, ready to get my affairs in order and prepare for divorce when he relapses...we already have lots of other issues. Part of me wants to give him a chance, but I feel like a sucker even saying this (since I fell for this BS the first time). My mom has terminal cancer, and I really don't have the energy for this S***...I don't care if this is a "disease" or not.
I am trying to take care of myself and child. I have decided not to keep this a secret...I have told my close friends and family and staff at work, started individual counseling, am getting up my nerve for AlAnon. Am trying not to let AH define my reality, but that is harder than it sounds...he is very verbally adept, good manipulator, etc. I feel as if I am in survival mode.
Thank you for listening. I welcome your reflections, experience. This really hurts.
AH grew up in very churchy, anti-alcohol house...he is now in his 40s
We have been together 7 yrs
Early on, we would very occasionally have social drink (once/month)
For the last several yrs I have not had any alcohol myself (migraine)
AH got more interested in alcohol maybe 2 yrs ago, started wine with dinner often ("more normal" than the way he grew up)
In Jan 09 AH came to me very upset, confessed that he had been drinking hard liquor after I went to bed (once to point of vomiting) and even drinking some at work since Fall 2008 (to deal with stress). Said he had stopped doing it, but had no intention of stopping wine with dinner. Said he was "experimenting," had felt deprived of normal high school/college alcohol experiences, and again this was "more normal" than abstinence.
For the next several months, it appeared that wine w/dinner was all he was drinking. Then, over the summer, I would sometimes smell hard liquor on his breath, or he would seem too intoxicated for the 1-2 wine glasses I saw him consume. But I second-guessed myself.
Then, I found the stash and realized he was drinking in the garage, then coming up to have a "moderate" drink of wine in front of me. He spent the last month getting drunker more often.
When I confronted him, he also confessed to drinking during workday again for past 3 mos at least. Also lots of the expected denial, minimizing, deflection of blame. Would not admit this is a problem, denied drunk driving (which seems impossible to me). Tried to bargain with me...finally said he would quit all alcohol til Christmas, but then resume "moderate" drinking (at first said wine only, then said he meant wine and hard liquor). Seemed very annoyed that we now have a "trust issue." We are now 2 wks into abstinence plan.
We have seen a marriage counselor with extensive experience in alcohol/drug abuse twice now. AH still insists he is in control of this, is not having withdrawal, uses his internet research to validate his drinking pattern, basically says I am the one having a problem with it.
Things he says seem absolutely absurd...like he isn't drinking in the building at work, just in his car in the parking lot...he isn't a "mean drunk"...he is "more present" to me when drunk than not...he's offended that I use the word "drunk" since he wasn't falling down (just unstable and beginning to slur words)...he is rebelling against his parents (at 47!!!)...this is just his "little secret"...he quit caffeine before so this is no big deal...if I was so concerned why didn't I confront him sooner (so it's my fault?)..he just does it because it's fun...it goes on of course.
This is crazy, right? This is alcoholism, right?
I feel like I am on the tracks with a train coming. He has spent at least half of the last year abusing alcohol, this last time more recklessly than before. I feel that relapse is only a matter of time...if he even makes it to Xmas.
Part of me already feels done with it, ready to get my affairs in order and prepare for divorce when he relapses...we already have lots of other issues. Part of me wants to give him a chance, but I feel like a sucker even saying this (since I fell for this BS the first time). My mom has terminal cancer, and I really don't have the energy for this S***...I don't care if this is a "disease" or not.
I am trying to take care of myself and child. I have decided not to keep this a secret...I have told my close friends and family and staff at work, started individual counseling, am getting up my nerve for AlAnon. Am trying not to let AH define my reality, but that is harder than it sounds...he is very verbally adept, good manipulator, etc. I feel as if I am in survival mode.
Thank you for listening. I welcome your reflections, experience. This really hurts.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the Sober Recovery Family!
Thank you for sharing your personal story with us. You asked if you are the sane one? Yes it sounds like you are making healthy, sane, logical decisions. Good on you!
You have started taking positive steps for yourself and your child. I encourage you to continue and try Alanon if you can arrange it into your schedule. You will make friends at the meetings who understand what you are going through.
I am sorry about your mother's terminal cancer. I will keep you and your family in thought and prayer.
Please make yourself home here by posting and reading as needed. We're glad you found us!
Thank you for sharing your personal story with us. You asked if you are the sane one? Yes it sounds like you are making healthy, sane, logical decisions. Good on you!
You have started taking positive steps for yourself and your child. I encourage you to continue and try Alanon if you can arrange it into your schedule. You will make friends at the meetings who understand what you are going through.
I am sorry about your mother's terminal cancer. I will keep you and your family in thought and prayer.
Please make yourself home here by posting and reading as needed. We're glad you found us!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Somewhere, our planet
Posts: 174
I am so sorry for your pain. It is so difficult to go through this, but you will find a lot of people here who can relate to your pain.
What has helped me in setting boundaries with my alcoholic sister is to ask myself, "do I deserve to be treated this way?"-- NO. "Did I cause this?"--NO. "Can I cure and / or control her behavior?"--NO. "Is her behavior insane?"--YES. "Is her behavior causing me undue stress, heartache, and pain?"--YES. "Can I choose to separate myself from her abusive and manipulative behavior?"--YES (though believe me, it is DIFFICULT).
Yes, you ARE sane. And yes, his behavior suggests that he IS an alcoholic--the denial, the secrecy, the blame, the guilt trips, the manipulation, the pity-seeking, the "don't call me a drunk--I can stop whenever I want to." So where do you go from here?
I think it's a great idea that you are thinking of going to Al Anon. I am seeing a therapist--just me--and it has been tremendously helpful in figuring out a lot of my own issues. I'm also learning to put myself first. Putting yourself first is difficult because the alcoholic insists that we are the cause of his/her problems and only WE can save him/her! It is insanity!
So....know that whatever you choose to do, you are not alone. And please come back and post here. We all know how you feel. No one will judge you here.
HUGS.
What has helped me in setting boundaries with my alcoholic sister is to ask myself, "do I deserve to be treated this way?"-- NO. "Did I cause this?"--NO. "Can I cure and / or control her behavior?"--NO. "Is her behavior insane?"--YES. "Is her behavior causing me undue stress, heartache, and pain?"--YES. "Can I choose to separate myself from her abusive and manipulative behavior?"--YES (though believe me, it is DIFFICULT).
Yes, you ARE sane. And yes, his behavior suggests that he IS an alcoholic--the denial, the secrecy, the blame, the guilt trips, the manipulation, the pity-seeking, the "don't call me a drunk--I can stop whenever I want to." So where do you go from here?
I think it's a great idea that you are thinking of going to Al Anon. I am seeing a therapist--just me--and it has been tremendously helpful in figuring out a lot of my own issues. I'm also learning to put myself first. Putting yourself first is difficult because the alcoholic insists that we are the cause of his/her problems and only WE can save him/her! It is insanity!
So....know that whatever you choose to do, you are not alone. And please come back and post here. We all know how you feel. No one will judge you here.
HUGS.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 234
BirdieCat,
I don't know if this is helpful, but here goes.
I'm married to the nicest drunk in the world. He's never been rude, loud or mean. For years (and I mean YEARS) I had no idea how much he drank. Six years ago I found out that he was coming home from work and drinking during the day. I said stop or lose us, and he claimed to stop. Yes, claimed to stop.
Three years ago he lost his job. He's continued to decline, and amazingly enough, I did not figure out that he was still drinking until he confessed 3 weeks ago. He only admitted it because I was sending him away out for a general lack of responsibility, etc, and he thought I might take pity on him if I knew he was going to take a vow of sobriety. He's in rehab now. I have no idea what to expect. Like you, I'm trying to figure out what I want.
You aren't crazy. You are very, very sane. Take care of yourself.
I don't know if this is helpful, but here goes.
I'm married to the nicest drunk in the world. He's never been rude, loud or mean. For years (and I mean YEARS) I had no idea how much he drank. Six years ago I found out that he was coming home from work and drinking during the day. I said stop or lose us, and he claimed to stop. Yes, claimed to stop.
Three years ago he lost his job. He's continued to decline, and amazingly enough, I did not figure out that he was still drinking until he confessed 3 weeks ago. He only admitted it because I was sending him away out for a general lack of responsibility, etc, and he thought I might take pity on him if I knew he was going to take a vow of sobriety. He's in rehab now. I have no idea what to expect. Like you, I'm trying to figure out what I want.
You aren't crazy. You are very, very sane. Take care of yourself.
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
Hi!!! Welcome!!! I think you are doing wonderful things to get yourself healthy!!! Seeing a counselor is great!!!
Give Al-anon a try!!! It is a wonderful place to be! I have found a lot of support there!
I was nervous to go at first too. I was afriad of who I might see there. And you know what, I saw an old collegue there. I was so nervous she would tell someone. After the meeting she gave me a big hug and said, "what's said in these rooms stays here". Once I made the commitment to go and walk through those doors, I knew I was in the right place. You can do it!!
Yep
Keep posting!!!! (((HUGS)))
Give Al-anon a try!!! It is a wonderful place to be! I have found a lot of support there!
I was nervous to go at first too. I was afriad of who I might see there. And you know what, I saw an old collegue there. I was so nervous she would tell someone. After the meeting she gave me a big hug and said, "what's said in these rooms stays here". Once I made the commitment to go and walk through those doors, I knew I was in the right place. You can do it!!
This is crazy, right? This is alcoholism, right?
Yep
Keep posting!!!! (((HUGS)))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Pac Northwest
Posts: 95
Welcome!
I can't tell you how much I can relate.
My situation: married 8 years, two kids, very high functioning alcoholic, hid alcohol, told me I have "the problem"... etc
yes, this is alcoholism.
You are showing so much strength by taking steps to learn about HIS problem, heal yourself, and protect your child. Keep in mind, Al-Anon groups can be very different. If you don't like one, keep searching for another.
I will post more later, but want to say hang in there. We understand and know what you are going through. It's very hard work, but discovering the truth will give you peace you cannot imagine.
hugs
I can't tell you how much I can relate.
My situation: married 8 years, two kids, very high functioning alcoholic, hid alcohol, told me I have "the problem"... etc
yes, this is alcoholism.
You are showing so much strength by taking steps to learn about HIS problem, heal yourself, and protect your child. Keep in mind, Al-Anon groups can be very different. If you don't like one, keep searching for another.
I will post more later, but want to say hang in there. We understand and know what you are going through. It's very hard work, but discovering the truth will give you peace you cannot imagine.
hugs
Ohhhhhh.......now I get it....
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Texas
Posts: 46
I also feel your pain. This site is AWESOME!!! I had been a total wreck the last few days wth my AH. We were recently told at work not to be on the internet except for job related issues. Well my 32 hour work weekend was so chaotic with my AH harassing me that I called my boss and told her that either I could go home an she could cover my 32 hour shift or I could work my 32 hour shift with my friends here at SR to talk to throughout the day.....she had no problem with me working and being on the internet with SR!!!!!! hahahahaha I could not have made it last weekend without all my friends support here!!! You will find great advice, support and opinions here and sometimes even some "tough love". 
"I am trying to take care of myself and child."
---You said it right there. Take care of YOU!! Take care of your CHILD!!!! Alanon is a great place to go. You will find your strength, peace and serenity to make the hard decisions in the difficult journey ahead of you!!!!
You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
"I am trying to take care of myself and child."
---You said it right there. Take care of YOU!! Take care of your CHILD!!!! Alanon is a great place to go. You will find your strength, peace and serenity to make the hard decisions in the difficult journey ahead of you!!!!
You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
The first Alanon meeting I went to, the first person I saw was my Parish Priest. I nearly died on the spot. I never said a word that night. It took me 3 meetings before I was able to shed my fears and share why I was there, and was ok from then on. Father was there because his sister was an alcoholic, and he also said that he needed to understand all he could for his parishoners who came to him for help with alcohol problems.
I found out later that he also went to AA and asked those there for help and advice so he "could be a better and informed pastor". Maybe other clergy could do the same thing and learn more about this problem, and then be able to compassionately help those who seek help.
I never struck anything but friendship, concern and help from anyone in Alanon, and the only reason I left was because my ABF found where we met, and turned up drunk and stroppy 3 times.
Don't for one moment think you are the insane one in this rotten alcoholic dance. What you are hearing from him is quite "normal", TOTALLY INSANE, and UNTRUE, but so normal for an addict.
If he admits he is NOT in control, it means he has a drinking problem. If he has a drinking problem he can deal with it by seeking help, and staying sober.
SIMPLE? OH NO!!! He wants to be able to drink, so he doesn't have a problem. YOU are the problem.
The way you are learning about alcoholism, looking at Alanon and caring for yourself, is the path to follow. What you decide to do in future, comes from having the correct information before you to base your decision for your future on.
God bless
I found out later that he also went to AA and asked those there for help and advice so he "could be a better and informed pastor". Maybe other clergy could do the same thing and learn more about this problem, and then be able to compassionately help those who seek help.
I never struck anything but friendship, concern and help from anyone in Alanon, and the only reason I left was because my ABF found where we met, and turned up drunk and stroppy 3 times.
Don't for one moment think you are the insane one in this rotten alcoholic dance. What you are hearing from him is quite "normal", TOTALLY INSANE, and UNTRUE, but so normal for an addict.
If he admits he is NOT in control, it means he has a drinking problem. If he has a drinking problem he can deal with it by seeking help, and staying sober.
SIMPLE? OH NO!!! He wants to be able to drink, so he doesn't have a problem. YOU are the problem.
The way you are learning about alcoholism, looking at Alanon and caring for yourself, is the path to follow. What you decide to do in future, comes from having the correct information before you to base your decision for your future on.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 273
Originally Posted by BirdieCat 
Part of me already feels done with it, ready to get my affairs in order and prepare for divorce when he relapses...we already have lots of other issues. Part of me wants to give him a chance, but I feel like a sucker even saying this (since I fell for this BS the first time). My mom has terminal cancer, and I really don't have the energy for this S***...I don't care if this is a "disease" or not.
I am trying to take care of myself and child. I have decided not to keep this a secret...I have told my close friends and family and staff at work, started individual counseling, am getting up my nerve for AlAnon. Am trying not to let AH define my reality, but that is harder than it sounds...he is very verbally adept, good manipulator, etc. I feel as if I am in survival mode.
I am trying to take care of myself and child. I have decided not to keep this a secret...I have told my close friends and family and staff at work, started individual counseling, am getting up my nerve for AlAnon. Am trying not to let AH define my reality, but that is harder than it sounds...he is very verbally adept, good manipulator, etc. I feel as if I am in survival mode.
I don't see any harm at all in getting all of your affairs in order for divorce. It doesn't happen overnight and at least you have a head start.
If you spend some time reading on the forum you will see lots and lots of stories from different people. Many wish that they had gotten out sooner.
Please stay strong and listen to your gut and convictions.
You are not happy and have already been lied to.
He is an alcoholic regardless of what he says.
The disease thrives on lies and secrecy.
It is not always easy to do what is good for us and our children but the right road is not always the easy one!
edited to add: I am going through a divorce and while it isn't a picnic, it really isn't so bad either.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Somewhere, our planet
Posts: 174
Originally Posted by Jadmack25
Don't for one moment think you are the insane one in this rotten alcoholic dance. What you are hearing from him is quite "normal", TOTALLY INSANE, and UNTRUE, but so normal for an addict.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 3
I just wanted to say a big, big thank you to all who replied. The support means more than you can know. Just feeling less alone now.
I was anxious about attending my first AlAnon meeting, but your words helped me to get up my courage and just go this week. I didn't read or say anything, but I went and I am proud of that because it was hard. But it was a good group, so much raw honesty and oceans of pain behind the words. I will go again.
The more crazy stuff I hear AH say in counseling, the more convinced I am that he really is an A, is in major denial, and the less hope I have. He hasn't lost anything yet, and I dont' think he'll get it until he does.
It's hard to want to stay emotionally engaged with him at this point. I am struggling with how to express my anger in a healthy way for me and am grapping with this concept of detaching but still being present to him.
I was anxious about attending my first AlAnon meeting, but your words helped me to get up my courage and just go this week. I didn't read or say anything, but I went and I am proud of that because it was hard. But it was a good group, so much raw honesty and oceans of pain behind the words. I will go again.
The more crazy stuff I hear AH say in counseling, the more convinced I am that he really is an A, is in major denial, and the less hope I have. He hasn't lost anything yet, and I dont' think he'll get it until he does.
It's hard to want to stay emotionally engaged with him at this point. I am struggling with how to express my anger in a healthy way for me and am grapping with this concept of detaching but still being present to him.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 8
My father is alcohol dependent and has a lot of the classic signs you have described including the hiding alcohol in the garage and sneaking out to drink it. Especially when he has had a relapse or has not had any in awhile. We know what is going on so he can't fool us. I know what you are facing.
The New Me starting 1/11/09
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: California
Posts: 678
Originally Posted by BirdieCat
This is crazy, right? This is alcoholism, right?
Now, what to do? Get support - you can't do this alone. I think the other posts give you some great ideas.
Alcoholism is progressive and only goes one way - down. But, you cannot be responsible for him. You can only be responsible for you.
He has to feel that his life has become unmanageable and that he is powerless over alcohol. It doesn't matter what you do or say.
However, you don't have to follow him down. Take care of yourself. Do what you have to.
And I know. I am that alcoholic just like your AH.
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