BS08

There is a VERY HIGH probability I will be bumping into the exABF, and maybe the new enabler as well, in the next day or two. I am actually dreading it, and would really rather not have to deal with it at all, but I'm not going to let him stop me from doing something I would normally do. The fact that I will probably be alone when it happens (friends can't come) doesn't help. I feel it's a hurdle I have to get over because it will be happening from time to time over the next few months.

What's the best way to keep my dignity, hold my head up high (when it's still feeling low, especially if I bump into him with her) and still enjoy my day? I know I'll want to insult him in some way, but that doesn't really help. Declaring that I still have pain and wanting him to know how much he hurt me doesn't seem smart either.

So how do I gracefully get through this?

Bernadette

Geez - do you absolutely HAVE to see him?

I guess the way to come out feeling OK is to have a plan. And rehearse it.

I think nonchalance is a winning attitude in this situation. Having any desire to "let him know" anything is just gonna set you up for having an expectation that undoubtedly will not be met.

So maybe practice what you will say-- "Oh Hey Jim, I thought I'd see you here. How are you?"

And if he introduces you to the new enabler be polite and nonchalant. "How do you do? (handshake!) Very nice to meet you."

And practice your exit strategy!

"Well I gotta go, my turn to host poker night for the girls, gotta get home and make the guacamole!"

Make your phone vibrate or rong and you can pull this one-- turning your head away fro privacy "Oh hello - hang on one sec..Jim I gotta go- great to meet you Jane - Ta ta!" and then wander off rambling into your phone as if the MOST interesting person on the planet has just phoned.

I mean- whatever you want - but I would definitely rehearse the nonchalant attitude!

Oy----- good luck!
peace-
b

transformyself

Bernadette! You're The Best!

Yes, Out Classing him is always the best plan. But if you freak and run to the bathroom and cry that's ok too. It always helps me to recite my four sentence mantra:

I am leaving you now
This is my choice
I am free of you and your toxic behavoirs
All is for my greater good.

Man, does that work for me.

Sending good thoughts!

trapeze

My advice is to not be too hard on yourself. Whenever and however you get past the first encounter, that's good enough. Give yourself credit for being a survivor. Better days to come!

bebemay

Transform- how did you come up with that mantra? I LOVE it. Im stealing it for my own.

transformyself

I searched "leaving my passive aggressive husband" and found this series of marketing websites for a councelor, MSW I think, who has written extensively on the subject. It was a part of a pdf file entitled, "so you're ready to leave your passive aggressive husband?"

I couldn't believe it! It was as if they had written if for me. That was before I found this place and realized he's just a freaking practicing alcoholic. But I was tortured and alone. Passive aggressive behavior is crazy making stuff. So is the addiction.

Steal away!

TakingCharge999

Hi BS08!

Do you actually have to interact? Can't you ignore them? That is what I have done. Not that they are super interested on talking to me thank God.

Can you wear dark glasses? Even if its cloudy and raining lol? And an iPod?

I learned that from the best, my ex.

I felt bad because they always see me alone but I think it's kind of nice. To know you can actually be with yourself alone more than 5 minutes, which is more than we can say about them....

transformyself

tc
Is he 12?

TakingCharge999

LOL!

Also I have imagined he is a cursed zombie. All the best!

BS08

Well, I didn't bump into him today, but I certainly will on Friday. It's unavoidable. I'm going to have to deal with it. It's actually got me quite down about it today. I have to go, but in a way, maybe this will be some closure that I need. Like shock theraphy. When I see him, I'm just going to ignore him and not engage. No point. We're done and he has no respect for me. Nothing to be said. But it is going to hurt like hell...

Live

I put them and myself in imaginary "invisible mode"...I imagine painting them over with white-out...and wipe out their existence.....Try to plan in advance something else you can focus on and distract yourself with.......

best wishes and hugs,
live

MissFixit

Hey,

I am getting ready to go through the same thing. First encounter... My plan is to smile big, say hello in a hyper polite voice and walk past him/them to another person to speak with.

Ago

I am an old man, and have had many problems

most of which never happened


Now that you have a plan and an exit strategy so clearly stated by Bernadette can you practice living in today rather then dwelling in the past (stewing in resentments) or catastrophizing (living in fear) about tomorrow?

BS08

Trying to...I just have to keep working on it and quit renting my head out...it's really hard to stop myself, but I have to work it hardier...