Help. :/
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
Help. :/
Short version of the last 4 years of my life:
Married to AH for 4 years
He quit in April 09
Went to meetings for about a month
Then decided an affair was the way to go
Told me he wanted a divorce in July
Found out about the affair in August
Reconciled for a week in Sept., then he changed his mind
Reconciled for another week in Sept.
During our reconciliations, he was going to AA
Found a love letter in his Facebook mail from a "friend"
Ignored it until his response 2 weeks later "I love you too."
Went a little cray-zay, contacted the girl
Oh, and broadcast the letters to his FB network (temporary insanity)
Girl told me he tried to hook up with her when I was pregnant, 3 years ago
Various friends of his told me he's always been like this - they thought he changed for the better
AH was so livid with me he hasn't spoken to me for a week
I feel like I never knew him - he's been a womanizer his whole adult life, I'm learning
Which brings me to today...
He just texted me with how sorry he is for all the pain he's caused me and how I didn't deserve any of it.
I'm not sure how to respond. I don't want to open the door for cake-eating. I am afraid that if I say anything about my pain or am nice in any way, he'll see an open door to come and hang out all the time, which leads to sex and more pain, and, honestly, I am not strong enough to resist. I also don't want to be sarcastic and ugly. And I still don't think he realizes the gravity of what he's done and how much pain he has caused.
So the options I've thought of are: "Thank you."
OR
Not responding at all.
???
Married to AH for 4 years
He quit in April 09
Went to meetings for about a month
Then decided an affair was the way to go
Told me he wanted a divorce in July
Found out about the affair in August
Reconciled for a week in Sept., then he changed his mind
Reconciled for another week in Sept.
During our reconciliations, he was going to AA
Found a love letter in his Facebook mail from a "friend"
Ignored it until his response 2 weeks later "I love you too."
Went a little cray-zay, contacted the girl
Oh, and broadcast the letters to his FB network (temporary insanity)
Girl told me he tried to hook up with her when I was pregnant, 3 years ago
Various friends of his told me he's always been like this - they thought he changed for the better
AH was so livid with me he hasn't spoken to me for a week
I feel like I never knew him - he's been a womanizer his whole adult life, I'm learning
Which brings me to today...
He just texted me with how sorry he is for all the pain he's caused me and how I didn't deserve any of it.
I'm not sure how to respond. I don't want to open the door for cake-eating. I am afraid that if I say anything about my pain or am nice in any way, he'll see an open door to come and hang out all the time, which leads to sex and more pain, and, honestly, I am not strong enough to resist. I also don't want to be sarcastic and ugly. And I still don't think he realizes the gravity of what he's done and how much pain he has caused.
So the options I've thought of are: "Thank you."
OR
Not responding at all.
???
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
ugh, wanting, I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
Would "I don't want to talk to you right now" be a 3rd option? Just to have enough time to let yourself calm down and see the situation from a different angle?
Would "I don't want to talk to you right now" be a 3rd option? Just to have enough time to let yourself calm down and see the situation from a different angle?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
Wanting, I don't think there is anything wrong with not responding until you feel like you know what you want to say.
One of my learning processes in this incredibly long and convoluted journey is not to say things I dont' mean -- and also not to say everything that I feel like I want to.
One of my learning processes in this incredibly long and convoluted journey is not to say things I dont' mean -- and also not to say everything that I feel like I want to.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
Maybe I should make a list of things not to say. 
"You should apologize to yourself for ruining your own life"
"You should apologize to your kids."
"Thanks, I forgive you, come over!"
"F you and your dumb apologies!"
"Sorry? You haven't seen sorry yet."
"Don't leave me! I love you!"
"Wanna know what I'm wearing?"
Hahaha...that made me feel a bit better.
"You should apologize to yourself for ruining your own life"
"You should apologize to your kids."
"Thanks, I forgive you, come over!"
"F you and your dumb apologies!"
"Sorry? You haven't seen sorry yet."
"Don't leave me! I love you!"
"Wanna know what I'm wearing?"
Hahaha...that made me feel a bit better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
Thinking more about his "apology," I think I feel a bit clearer about why it bothers me. Here is the exact wording:
"For what it's worth I am truly and sincerely sorry for all the hurt I have caused you. You didn't deserve any of it and I will always be sorry."
What bothers me is 1) text messaging his apology; and 2) that it seems he's sorry for the hurt, but not for his actions. Maybe it's the brief nature of text messaging, but I would rather have him be sorry for having an affair, sorry for breaking up our family, sorry for choosing alcohol and his ego and affairs over his family, etc. Does that make sense?
"For what it's worth I am truly and sincerely sorry for all the hurt I have caused you. You didn't deserve any of it and I will always be sorry."
What bothers me is 1) text messaging his apology; and 2) that it seems he's sorry for the hurt, but not for his actions. Maybe it's the brief nature of text messaging, but I would rather have him be sorry for having an affair, sorry for breaking up our family, sorry for choosing alcohol and his ego and affairs over his family, etc. Does that make sense?
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hi Wanting :ghug3
You sound like you are handling this pretty well. Sorry that person is rotten. I think distributing "its" disgusting FB emails to all was a good thing!
If you want my advice, instead of engaging in further conversation with "it", come HERE to SR to say ALL the things you would like to say to that person.
In case you can't tell from the above, I advocate the use of distancing terms like, "it," and "that person" instead of "my husband" or "him" or even using his name. I know it sounds de-humanizing but it's effective and helps you to detach.
Take care!
You sound like you are handling this pretty well. Sorry that person is rotten. I think distributing "its" disgusting FB emails to all was a good thing!
If you want my advice, instead of engaging in further conversation with "it", come HERE to SR to say ALL the things you would like to say to that person.
In case you can't tell from the above, I advocate the use of distancing terms like, "it," and "that person" instead of "my husband" or "him" or even using his name. I know it sounds de-humanizing but it's effective and helps you to detach.
Take care!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
imtheidiot, fwiw, I think you should change your name. It would make me feel better if I knew that he truly realized what he has done and was sorry for it and wished he had never done it. Instead of liking what he did but wishing I didn't get hurt over it.
L2L, thank you. I am glad I did the FB thing, if only because he got so pissed at me that he wouldn't talk to me for a week. I suffer majorly from magical thinking and I want to believe him when he says things like, "I say I love you to all my friends." It's best when he's pissed at me (which is usually when I tell people the truth about him), because it's like my HP has stepped in to keep me away. I will think more on using those distancing terms. It seems like a good idea.
It would make me feel better if I knew that he truly realized what he has done and was sorry for it and wished he had never done it. Instead of liking what he did but wishing I didn't get hurt over it.L2L, thank you. I am glad I did the FB thing, if only because he got so pissed at me that he wouldn't talk to me for a week. I suffer majorly from magical thinking and I want to believe him when he says things like, "I say I love you to all my friends." It's best when he's pissed at me (which is usually when I tell people the truth about him), because it's like my HP has stepped in to keep me away. I will think more on using those distancing terms. It seems like a good idea.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Georgia
Posts: 71
Detaching is the hardest part. It took me a long time to detcah. Then I had to re-establish the connection when he went into detox to help him, and give everything a chance. Now, I am semi-detached again.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Wanting, You sound as gullible as me. We actually believe that OTHER people are like US and wouldn't make this $hit up. But they do. It's a hard pill to swallow but once you swallow it, life gets a WHOLE LOT better!
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
There is an old Greek saying that goes:
"He who lies with dogs rises with fleas".
Which means in recovery terms: Crazy is catching. IMHO, have as little to do with him as humanly possible. "No contact" sounds like a great idea to me.
Hate to say this, but chronic cheaters always seem to have a fallback girl. I surmise (and this is just a guess) that he might be having trouble with his current girlfriend and is trying to cultivate you as a fallback in case something blows up with her.
"He who lies with dogs rises with fleas".
Which means in recovery terms: Crazy is catching. IMHO, have as little to do with him as humanly possible. "No contact" sounds like a great idea to me.
Hate to say this, but chronic cheaters always seem to have a fallback girl. I surmise (and this is just a guess) that he might be having trouble with his current girlfriend and is trying to cultivate you as a fallback in case something blows up with her.
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