leznew

So I talked to my soon to be ex-wife-addict. I cant stay mad at her because I feel sorry for her. This does not mean I need to help her out. It means I need to get out of her way. She got kicked out of her halfway house for drinking this weekend. She claims she went out with her GUY freind and he told her to stay away, because he was going to relapse. They met at rehab, and its the same old story. I have gotten to where I dont beleive anything that comes out of this womans mouth. I want to help her, but you cant help someone who doesnt think she needs it. I am sure when she was at rehab everything was my fault. Now that she dropped the ball again it is his fault. She still hasnt relized PERSONAL responsibility. Everytime I talk to her it is the same story. I know what to do, I cant beleive I did this YADA, YADA, YADA. I have tried to tell her, people are judging your actions not your words. I was jus wondering if anyone else GETS IT. 14 yrs and this is what I got in the end LOL. I have been praying for her, but I dont know if she has even hit bottom yet. I am still taking the high road in this whole fiasco, No matter what happens. I will always be there if she needs it, but I dont think she is liking the guy on the other side of the phone. I dont say im sorry to hear that, or you can do it, or its not your fault. I told her to step up and bat.

Callie

I dont say im sorry to hear that, or you can do it, or its not your fault. I told her to step up and bat.

I think you handled it perfectly. You have to remember, you are NEW here. Things happened for you pretty quickly (as far as this addiction game goes). Things are shifting and adjusting fast. Take pride in the fact that you made a decision and followed through on it quickly. Many of us here have went on for months, years, decades in this sick cycle. I find it admirable that you're seeing things so clearly (even though it may not feel like it @ present) and most importantly acting on what you see. You probably feel like one of those snow globes that you shake. You shook it, everything is spinning, not sure which way is up or down, left or right. Keep trusting your decisions and wait for things to settle so you can see clearly.

If the other man is out of the picture most likely she'll become desperate and try reach out and latch on and suck you back in. That's what addicts do. When all else fails they'll reach on to anything, make you feel importand and as if you're her lifeline. Just as your title said ITS NOT YOUR FAULT. She's a grown woman capable of making adult decisions. She choose to drink. That has consequences. She's paying the price. I hope you can keep your focus and not get sucked back into the hurricane.

leznew

I have already ran through every thing in my head and I have a path. I spoke to my preacher about this. I know one day she will call just like you said. I dont know when, but it will likely come. I dont want to dodge it, I will face it and tell her how things are. I dont wish harm on her or any addict, but come on self inflicted pain is done by one person. I hope the best for her, but I cant be there anymore to enable either. She has an uphill batle in the world of hard knocks. I am praying for her, and I even told her she can call if she wants to talk. with that being said, she is getting the hint that if she doesnt want to be honest, then there is nothing to talk about. I am not going to hold onto hate for her. The way she acts validates my desicions and one day she will realize the things she missed out on or she wont, not my problem.

IPT

you sound like you are in a very good place. I think it takes people a long time sometimes to get where you are (if ever). I am empowered, and close, but still not as far as you have made it. Best wishes friend.

Outvoid

Exactly.

Sorry you're having to go through this, but it sounds like you're doing a good job owning your voice and holding your boundries.

--Outvoid--

neecey1224

I am in awe of leznew's strength. He is being what I keep struggling to be.

leznew

so I talked to my lawyer yesterday and he let me know she had a bench warrent. I took control of the situation and called her and her mother. Let them know the options and told them my opinion on the way to move with this thing. I directed her on a good path. She took checks from my family and they turned that into their bank. She doesnt understand why they would do this. She says she is an addict, and wishes they understood her addiction. I was raised this way, and told her they would do the same thing to me(and they would). Addiction is a horible, awful thing, but it does not excuse right from wrong. My opinion in this matter is she was an addict, now she is a recovering addict so IT IS ALL STILL ABOUT ME. Well she is a great person and she has alot of potential, but POTENTIAL is just a word. She wants everone and everything to stay the same. If you want to show your addict how much they hurt you, do it by changing yourself. Look in the mirror and say I want to change come up with a plan and WORK your plan. I am not saying this is easy by any means. I kept my plan simple and let everything fall into place as I progress. I wake up every morning 30 minutes earlier(5am shew!!!) and walk 3 miles now. This has alot of advantages. It makes me feel better. It lets me think about what is going on with us. It also releases endorphins to get me over the depression. Not to mention I have lost weight. I should also mention I have had a bad knee now for years and it hurts, but not anymore. Physical pain, emotional pain, seperation pain. Pain is Pain, But it makes me stronger in the long run. I talked to her today and told her I know what its like to be in a bad place in life. But the present time has nothing to do with where you want to be and where you can go if you set your mind to it. I have faith that one day she will figure out what to do and what she has done, or she wont. But this does not mean I am putting my life on hold and waiting for this to happen. I want to be me, everyone on these boards just wants to be themselves. Find that person inside and build on it. Personal growth is a Beautiful thing if you feed it right. I am not in the clear yet, but time will tell me how my recovery is going. And eventualy recovery and addiction will just be words as well.



Jung test I am a ENTJ. Thought I would share I cant help it, just the way I was built. I will always love her, Just in different ways!!!!!
ACCEPTENCE is a powerfull word.

peaceteach

Great spot you're in, buddy. Just awesome. For me, I wasn't sure WHO that person was that I wanted to be in the beginning, so I just kept getting up every day, putting one foot in front of the other, telling myself regularly (looking in a mirror) that I was NEVER going to live like that again, and just "walked" my way back into a happy place. You are right, it takes time, but it's still way better than making NO changes.

leznew

right there with ya Peace. I should also mention the conversation I had with her today in detail. She said she NEEDS to hang out with girls. Why not I am? She asked if I was going to tell my parrents about her having to go to court today....I replied, do you want me to, her response yes. I guess she want me to give her the reaction of my parents, instead of calling herself? NO. She said she was exausted and was going to a meeting. I asked with who, she fumbled and said girls in her new house? MY INNER THOUGHTS, whatever you say. Then she relized she was getting nowhere and said she needed to get off the phone. I replied I would talk to her sometime.

This is why we have two ears and one mouth. LISTEN and dont let your addict lead you in the conversation. I am still supportive of her recovery, but I am not going to be manipulated, and I have to stay away from the told you so's LOL. I found this out the hard way.....you can be supportive and not supporting of behavior. And this is why in my opinion she will find someone else, who she can manipulate and gets her right now.

ACCEPTENCE!!!!!!