Manipulation--how do I deal? Feeling very hurt
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Manipulation--how do I deal? Feeling very hurt
So....I have had no contact with my alcoholic sister after her latest relapse. She got angry with me because I refused to take her in after she was kicked out of her house. She says I'm not being supportive. OK--I can handle that; I expected that reaction from her (don't alcoholics always throw a tantrum?)
What I did NOT expect is just how low she would go with her manipulation and anger.
I found out today that she posted an angry message about me on Facebook, saying, "I want to thank my REAL friends for all their support. However, I am greatly disappointed in my cold-hearted sister, who is not supportive at all. I am so tired of people like her with superiority complexes who are so snooty and refuse to accept anyone who's not perfect. SO thank you real friends and K--talk to Carolyn if you want to know how much you've hurt me and how YOU are the cause of all my problems".
I am so saddened and hurt by this. Not only is this seen by everyone on Facebook--our friends, family--but I'm just TIRED. Sick and tired of her crap. Sick and tired of her abuse. I don't deserve this and I'm so tired of dealing with a 41 year old child.
So sad. So angry. When will this end? How do you manage to NOT feel upset by an alcoholic's deliberate manipulation?
What I did NOT expect is just how low she would go with her manipulation and anger.
I found out today that she posted an angry message about me on Facebook, saying, "I want to thank my REAL friends for all their support. However, I am greatly disappointed in my cold-hearted sister, who is not supportive at all. I am so tired of people like her with superiority complexes who are so snooty and refuse to accept anyone who's not perfect. SO thank you real friends and K--talk to Carolyn if you want to know how much you've hurt me and how YOU are the cause of all my problems".
I am so saddened and hurt by this. Not only is this seen by everyone on Facebook--our friends, family--but I'm just TIRED. Sick and tired of her crap. Sick and tired of her abuse. I don't deserve this and I'm so tired of dealing with a 41 year old child.
So sad. So angry. When will this end? How do you manage to NOT feel upset by an alcoholic's deliberate manipulation?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
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There comes a time when we are really and truly done. That means that we don't worry about what they do or what they say or to whom they say it. We don't allow them to manipulate us by removing all contact. Remove her from your friends on facebook and don't read whatever she says. You cannot control what she does or says and reading what she says will just upset you. If you are truly done with her, then remove anything that will allow you to know anything about her. You will never find peace of mind if you know what she's doing or saying. I know it's tough to do, but if you truly are done, then it's up to you to remove yourself from her in whatever way necessary. ((((HUGS))))
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Originally Posted by suki44883 
I know it's tough to do, but if you truly are done, then it's up to you to remove yourself from her in whatever way necessary. ((((HUGS))))
Of course she says you are not being supportive. Of course you are the cause of all problems.
I agree with Suki. You may find yourself becoming more than exhausted with all her games. It sounds like you are reaching that point of being done, done. Try not to read anything from her or listen to her rants.
You are simply protecting yourself. No need to let her insanity creep into your life.
hang in there
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OK--here's another question. When do the actions of the alcoholic cease to become "caused by drinking" or "caused by active addiction" and become the actions of the person? I'm not really sure if I believe this latest is "caused by her alcoholism". I think she is a selfish and manipulative person. She has been this way her entire life. So I guess what I'm asking is--is this latest action caused by "Jane the alcoholic" or "Jane herself"?
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You know, GiveLove, I had that exact thought after posting. It is hurtful, but I need to be strong for my own sake, for the sake of living a sane life. I am going to Al-Anon tomorrow. Never been to a meeting in person. Wish me luck!
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Backstabbing hurts but in the end I know what is real, I must be true to myself and hold to my boundries. I had the same kind of action from my wife. Hurt to the bone, I mean from all people.. But I had to keep things into perspective, who is sober living and who was not....
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Hi Trying2,
No, you don't deserve to be treated that way.
It took me a long time to be OKAY with whatever others may say about me because I can't control that. I believe that when we make decisions based on the hard facts and reality of a situation, it isn't for anyone else to judge and if they do....
At the end of the day, we have to do what will be healthy for us. You aren't doing this to your sister out of spite, just keep reminding yourself WHY you are not allowing your sister to live with you.
No, you don't deserve to be treated that way.
It took me a long time to be OKAY with whatever others may say about me because I can't control that. I believe that when we make decisions based on the hard facts and reality of a situation, it isn't for anyone else to judge and if they do....
At the end of the day, we have to do what will be healthy for us. You aren't doing this to your sister out of spite, just keep reminding yourself WHY you are not allowing your sister to live with you.
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I am so sorry that you have been hurt by this stupid and impossible, post on FB.
Quote from FB (((SO thank you real friends and K--talk to Carolyn if you want to know how much you've hurt me and how YOU are the cause of all my problems".)))
Take a good look at that last bit, and then tell me how YOU turned her into an alcoholic?
What it tells me is that she is not only denying any responsibility for her addiction and past behavior, but has decided to publicly blame you for it all.
She may not be drinking right now, but if she thinks this is "working a recovery program" she is very wrong.
Personally I think she is just an angry and vicious and manipulative b**ch, who is in payback mode and probably someone with feelings of jealousy towards you for you being healthy and her not.
Whether she is or isn't drinking doesn't matter, she is still playing nasty games and I suggest you ignore (as much as you can) every single word she has posted. None of it is true and only her trying to pass the buck.
No contact of any kind is the only way to deal with this rubbish, and keep her out of your head. I hope you can just feel sorry for her, as she must be a miserable person.
God bless
Quote from FB (((SO thank you real friends and K--talk to Carolyn if you want to know how much you've hurt me and how YOU are the cause of all my problems".)))
Take a good look at that last bit, and then tell me how YOU turned her into an alcoholic?
What it tells me is that she is not only denying any responsibility for her addiction and past behavior, but has decided to publicly blame you for it all.
She may not be drinking right now, but if she thinks this is "working a recovery program" she is very wrong.
Personally I think she is just an angry and vicious and manipulative b**ch, who is in payback mode and probably someone with feelings of jealousy towards you for you being healthy and her not.
Whether she is or isn't drinking doesn't matter, she is still playing nasty games and I suggest you ignore (as much as you can) every single word she has posted. None of it is true and only her trying to pass the buck.
No contact of any kind is the only way to deal with this rubbish, and keep her out of your head. I hope you can just feel sorry for her, as she must be a miserable person.
God bless
peaceful seabird
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Originally Posted by Trying2Fly
I need to be strong for my own sake, for the sake of living a sane life. I am going to Al-Anon tomorrow. Never been to a meeting in person. Wish me luck!
Let us know how your first meeting goes!
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
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Geez. Facebook has offered a new, intergalactic way for people to spew their resentment and justifications onto the world. My AH did something similiar. I've seen folks break up with each other on FB. It's bizarre.
I am sorry you're hurting. The other folks here are very wise. It takes what it takes, but eventually you'll get tired of the beatings and stop contact. Stop hoping for her to change. It'll bring you great freedom to draw that line, all though in my experience it is very scary intially.
I am sorry you're hurting. The other folks here are very wise. It takes what it takes, but eventually you'll get tired of the beatings and stop contact. Stop hoping for her to change. It'll bring you great freedom to draw that line, all though in my experience it is very scary intially.
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The following exerpt is from this article: http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/A..._Lies_Rel.html I suggest reading the whole thing, but this should sound familiar to you....
...The addict's delusions that he is harming neither himself nor others by his addictive behaviors; that he is in control of his addiction rather than vice versa; that his addiction is necessary or even useful and good for him; that the circumstances of his life justify his addiction; that people who indicate concern about him are enemies and not friends, and all other such beliefs which are patently and transparently false to everyone but himself, are seldom correctable by reason or objective data and thus indicate the presence of genuinely psychotic thinking which, if it is more subtle than the often grotesque delusions of the schizophrenic, is by virtue of its very subtlety often far more insidious and dangerous to the addict and those with whom he comes into contact. For in the case of the delusional schizophrenic most people are quickly aware that they are dealing with someone not in their right mind - but in the case of the equally or at times even more insane addict, thinking that is in fact delusional may be and commonly is misattributed to potentially remediable voluntary choices and moral decisions, resulting in still more confusion and muddying of the already turbulent waters around the addict and his addiction.
In many cases the addict responds to negative feedback from others about his addiction by following the maxim of "Attack the attacker." Those who confront or complain about the addict's irrational and unhealthy behaviors are criticized, analyzed and dismissed by the addict as untrustworthy or biased observers and false messengers. Their own vulnerabilities may be ruthlessly exposed and exploited by the addict in his desperate defense of his addiction. In many cases, depending upon their own psychological makeup and the nature of their relationship to the addict, they themselves may begin to manifest significant psychological symptoms. Emotional and social withdrawal, secrecy, fear and shame can cause the mental health of those closely involved with addicts to deteriorate. Almost always there is fear, anger, confusion and depression resulting from repeated damaging exposures to the addict's unhealthy and irrational behaviors and their corresponding and supporting private reality. ...
...The addict's delusions that he is harming neither himself nor others by his addictive behaviors; that he is in control of his addiction rather than vice versa; that his addiction is necessary or even useful and good for him; that the circumstances of his life justify his addiction; that people who indicate concern about him are enemies and not friends, and all other such beliefs which are patently and transparently false to everyone but himself, are seldom correctable by reason or objective data and thus indicate the presence of genuinely psychotic thinking which, if it is more subtle than the often grotesque delusions of the schizophrenic, is by virtue of its very subtlety often far more insidious and dangerous to the addict and those with whom he comes into contact. For in the case of the delusional schizophrenic most people are quickly aware that they are dealing with someone not in their right mind - but in the case of the equally or at times even more insane addict, thinking that is in fact delusional may be and commonly is misattributed to potentially remediable voluntary choices and moral decisions, resulting in still more confusion and muddying of the already turbulent waters around the addict and his addiction.
In many cases the addict responds to negative feedback from others about his addiction by following the maxim of "Attack the attacker." Those who confront or complain about the addict's irrational and unhealthy behaviors are criticized, analyzed and dismissed by the addict as untrustworthy or biased observers and false messengers. Their own vulnerabilities may be ruthlessly exposed and exploited by the addict in his desperate defense of his addiction. In many cases, depending upon their own psychological makeup and the nature of their relationship to the addict, they themselves may begin to manifest significant psychological symptoms. Emotional and social withdrawal, secrecy, fear and shame can cause the mental health of those closely involved with addicts to deteriorate. Almost always there is fear, anger, confusion and depression resulting from repeated damaging exposures to the addict's unhealthy and irrational behaviors and their corresponding and supporting private reality. ...
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Thank you everyone. Thanks tjp613 for posting that article--certainly hit close to home. I am hurting; I didn't sleep well at all last night. So I slipped--I wrote her a big explosive email telling her how hurt I am, what a childish manipulative person she is. And now I feel ashamed / embarrassed. What GOOD will it do? The only thing I CAN do is CHOOSE to separate myself from her. And I'm going to do that from today on. Tonight's my first meeting. Nervous but intrigued.
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