tryintosmile

I know it shouldn't be - but it is right now and I don't want to let it go. That's been my mistake in the past. He lays low, sucks up, explains away, makes excuses, whatever - and the next thing I know - I'm back in my self imposed prison cell.

I've consciously decided that this recent infidelity is the straw that broke the camel's back. He stopped and 'visited' this woman, sober as a judge - 2 days in a row, while out on service calls at work (I 'found' an e-mail from her - and quite accidentally, because as usual, I had started to trust, once again.

Bad timing for him. He's quit drinking for 3 weeks, for the first time in all of the years I've been with him. He's been taking care of himself, lost 10 pounds in those 3 weeks, and doing great - physically anyway. No work on his attitude or anything else. I'd been tiptoeing around - doing his bidding - anything not to be a trigger.

Well NOT last night after I saw the message. I flipped - while he sat there calmly, first lying (while I had the evidence right in front of me - deny, deny deny). Then his next move - 'oh let it go - it was no big deal' - which of course in the past I've usually done, because I've had no energy. Now this is the person who is verbally and emotionally abusive to me - every single day. This is NOT a nice alcoholic, if there actually are some. He's demanding and critical. He's deflected everything that has ever happened and turned it on me. Oh - he may apologize, but what good is an apology if you turn around and do the same thing the next week, month, whenever?

I'm Flipping mad!!! But I'm so mad, it's to the point of exhaustion and inaction. All the plans of what I'm going to do to get this house sold are in my head, but I have no energy to exercise them. I can't even think straight, for seeing red. Problem is that if I let go of the anger, I will let go of my conviction that this is really the end, BUT IT IS! I've never wanted anything more - but I need to sleep.

How can you stay mad, stay focussed, and get it all done? I don't want to be kind. I don't want to be civil. While I don't want an all out war - I want to be able to handle it, if it comes to that. I have so much to do (and of course being on disability from constant pain - or drugged with painkillers, doesn't help). I'm going to take action, but I have no energy today, which will indicate to him that I don't mean it. I wish I could walk away - right now - and never have to see him again, but I can't financially afford to do that.

Still Waters

For me anger is a great motivator. Just be careful about any decisions made when you're flamin' mad.

Cowgirl1265

Sometimes it takes me being angry as h*ll for me to see when I need to make a change. My realization that I needed to separate from my AH was sparked by an incident that made me so mad I thought my head was going to independently separate itself from my shoulders! But I agree with StillWaters, making decisions in that state is bad. I usually regret decision I make when I'm feeling that way. I'm learning (trying, anyway) to sit on my hands until I calm down, then I can think things through in a more healthy way.

GiveLove

I once was painfully careful about making decisions when I was flaming mad. I took careful steps, moved slowly and thoughtfully, tried not to hurt anybody, and BANG the trap closed around me again. And again.

The next time I was flaming mad, I took steps that I knew I couldn't back out of. I secured my bank accounts, got a PO box, found a place to live, told him I was leaving as soon as I humanly could.

It was the second scenario, not the first, that saved my life. Don't get yourself arrested, but don't back away from the useful fire of your anger. Use it.

To temper your anger with logic, here's a thread with some interesting thoughts:
www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/103547-decision-do-i-leave-stay-read-book.html

And here's a good step-by-step post - have you thought about these things yet?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...2-leaving.html

Get some rest tryintosmile. You don't have to live like this if you dont' want to.

Freedom1990

Try baby steps. Start writing down your plans, one by one, to get the house sold.

You've got so much in your head right now you are paralyzed and exhausted.

Take some slow deep breaths.

Start making that list.

Small actions can make a world of difference.

:ghug2 :ghug2

tryintosmile

Everyone here is SO amazing that I honestly can't believe my fortune! The anger was SO good for me, and not in the way I'd thought, but you are all way ahead of me.

I was SO mad, I thought everything through. What if this? What if that? And I said - I don't care - I will survive - no matter what. That's a HUGE step for me. I've never gotten past - how will I survive?

I was ready. I holed myself in my room and when he came home from work he started knocking on the door. I said leave me alone unless it's about business and if you want to tell me something, write it on paper. Ten minutes later a note came through the door. I've been with this guy for over 10 years and he's never written me a thing. It was a very poignant letter, apologizing for the many years of drunken abuse and asking for a second chance (a first - since he never stopped drinking for more than 2 days EVER). He said he'd never been sober before in all this time and he was really liking it, spending time getting to know me. He said the 'tryst' he'd had was during a fight we'd had, but long before he'd quit.

Okay so I'm not caving - I'm realizing for the first time that I CAN LEAVE and I'm not afraid anymore. I'm going to get my affairs in order - step by step - all the things I thought I would have to deal with today - that were totally overwhelming, and be much more ready and if there IS a next time, I'll be right and ready. No talking - just doing.

Thanks a bunch for the amazing insight and support!

tryintosmile

Oh and the most important thing I forgot was that he'd said in the letter he'd do anything - even go to AA - so now we're talking. That's a definite!

intheknow

Tryintosmile...I have been where you are many times. When they see how angry we are, they will say anything, and do anything to get back in the _________. Could be the house, bedroom, bed, your arms, the car, your head, your heart (insert the correct answer here...).

I have fallen for that so many times. Flowers, letters, gifts - only you know if it is real and true.

Be strong, you can do this.

LaTeeDa

That's just it. We do not know if it is real and true, yet we still believe it. Why? Because we WANT SO BADLY to believe it. The only way to know if it is real and true is if it is consistent and sustained--over a long period of time. But yet we still are in a rush to take what they say as sincere. To believe it without one bit of proof.

Funny how they can treat us like crap for years and we somehow convince ourselves it will get better, they will change. But, they treat us nice for a few hours, days, or even weeks and we tell ourselves that this is it. This is how they are and will continue to be, they will not change. Again, without one bit of proof.

Until I got real with myself about my own insanity, I couldn't make any rational decisions.

L

Jadmack25

Anger got me thru after finding out my ABF had cheated on me. To begin with I was shocked, then devastated and couldn't function normally for a few days, but then anger kicked in. First I could have murdered him, but then the anger became cold and logical and I looked at ME, and what I needed to do just for me.

All I said to ABF was that I was hurt and upset and wanted no contact til I decided what I wanted to do, that was best for me. I told him that he could take the time to think about his actions and how he was living his life or just go drink himself into some more trouble, his choice.

I refuse to accept little suck in moves any more, and I know them all after so many years, but I have proofed myself now.

I hope your pain eases, but that anger sticks to keep you on your toes and help push you into doing what you need to do for yourself.

God bless