My marriage is in big trouble and I need help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 3
My marriage is in big trouble and I need help.
I have been married for almost 9 years and we have 2 sons, ages 4 and 7. After the birth of the second child, I was diagnosed with post-partum depression, which my doctor said was actually worse because I was already depressed from the death of my father a few years before that and never dealt with it. Before my diagnosis and shortly thereafter, I mistreated my oldest son by yelling at him too much and once I hit him. We worked through this and things have been much better in recent years.
My husband's mother is an alcoholic. As of lately, she has been causing all sorts of problems for us, by bringing up the past to my husband and making him mad at me. My son is having problems in school which has been stressful on us and my mother in law is convinced that the problems are because of me. She gets my husband all riled up and then talks him down, saying "I didn't mean for it to be that big of a deal." My husband is now not sure he can forgive me for the past. One minute we are okay and the next he is remembering things I did before and can't even look at me. The worst part, is that she is making up some of the stuff she's telling him. She is making it sound like I am still doing these things and he is afraid that I haven't changed. He has been programmed by her his whole life to listen to no one but her. He had virtually no friends in school because she guilt tripped him about it. How he met me and went through with the marriage is probably something she holds over his head, but she knew he was crazy about me and she accepted me too. She didn't drink much when we first married. The problems have gotten worse since she is drinking constantly.
I don't know what else to do. He wants to forgive me and trust me. But just when things are working out, she stirs up some more crap. And then he gets mad at me, doubting that it will work out, and she talks him into letting me stay. It's like she wants to cause trouble and be the hero all at the same time. She totally lies to me. She tells me that he's the problem and that it's wrong for him not to forgive me, but then she's the one who keeps dredging it all back up.
I know she is having problems with other relationships too, like with her sister and her daughter. But she is wrecking my marriage and my husband will try to get the kids from me if it happens, because of the past. I cannot sit back and let her take my kids away from me. My husband works nights and if I had to leave, they would have to stay with her while he works. Not to mention, they would be devastated to lose me. I have been there for them always. Have I always been the patient sweet mother I should have been? No, but I have changed. I just need a fighting chance here.
My husband's mother is an alcoholic. As of lately, she has been causing all sorts of problems for us, by bringing up the past to my husband and making him mad at me. My son is having problems in school which has been stressful on us and my mother in law is convinced that the problems are because of me. She gets my husband all riled up and then talks him down, saying "I didn't mean for it to be that big of a deal." My husband is now not sure he can forgive me for the past. One minute we are okay and the next he is remembering things I did before and can't even look at me. The worst part, is that she is making up some of the stuff she's telling him. She is making it sound like I am still doing these things and he is afraid that I haven't changed. He has been programmed by her his whole life to listen to no one but her. He had virtually no friends in school because she guilt tripped him about it. How he met me and went through with the marriage is probably something she holds over his head, but she knew he was crazy about me and she accepted me too. She didn't drink much when we first married. The problems have gotten worse since she is drinking constantly.
I don't know what else to do. He wants to forgive me and trust me. But just when things are working out, she stirs up some more crap. And then he gets mad at me, doubting that it will work out, and she talks him into letting me stay. It's like she wants to cause trouble and be the hero all at the same time. She totally lies to me. She tells me that he's the problem and that it's wrong for him not to forgive me, but then she's the one who keeps dredging it all back up.
I know she is having problems with other relationships too, like with her sister and her daughter. But she is wrecking my marriage and my husband will try to get the kids from me if it happens, because of the past. I cannot sit back and let her take my kids away from me. My husband works nights and if I had to leave, they would have to stay with her while he works. Not to mention, they would be devastated to lose me. I have been there for them always. Have I always been the patient sweet mother I should have been? No, but I have changed. I just need a fighting chance here.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Hi, Oddmanout, and welcome to SR
There are many here who have experiences similar to yours. If you click around, you'll be able to read many of their stories. I recommend that you check out the "stickies" at the top of the page, there are some really great classic threads there.
There are a lot of folks out there with alcoholic parents. We have a forum ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) which might provide some helpful info as well. Would you or your husband consider attending Al Anon? It really helped me... in fact I often tell people that Al Anon saved my life.
I had to learn to set some firm boundaries with my parents and my in-laws, as well as other well-meaning people who wanted to run my life. One of the first things I learned was to say "you may be right." It didn't mean I agreed with them, but it meant I was listening. Now I use that as well as the Big Five: Oh, Wow, Really, Huh and Ya Don't say? (and my friend Hangin's addition: How 'bout that!)
Others will be along soon to welcome you and to offer their own ESH (experience, strength and hope)
Cats
There are many here who have experiences similar to yours. If you click around, you'll be able to read many of their stories. I recommend that you check out the "stickies" at the top of the page, there are some really great classic threads there.
There are a lot of folks out there with alcoholic parents. We have a forum ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) which might provide some helpful info as well. Would you or your husband consider attending Al Anon? It really helped me... in fact I often tell people that Al Anon saved my life.
I had to learn to set some firm boundaries with my parents and my in-laws, as well as other well-meaning people who wanted to run my life. One of the first things I learned was to say "you may be right." It didn't mean I agreed with them, but it meant I was listening. Now I use that as well as the Big Five: Oh, Wow, Really, Huh and Ya Don't say? (and my friend Hangin's addition: How 'bout that!)
Others will be along soon to welcome you and to offer their own ESH (experience, strength and hope)
Cats
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
Welcome to SR Oddmanout.
Would you and your husband be willing to enter marriage counseling? Ideally you could find a counselor who had experience with ACOA issues and PPD. Even if your husband isn't willing, would you consider getting counseling for yourself?
Would you and your husband be willing to enter marriage counseling? Ideally you could find a counselor who had experience with ACOA issues and PPD. Even if your husband isn't willing, would you consider getting counseling for yourself?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I agree that your family could benefit from AlAnon meetings. They are support groups for friends and families of alcoholics. You and your husband qualify. The meetings are based on the successful 12 steps of AA but adjusted for the family of alcoholics. Their reading material is helpful.
You will also find lots of experience and support here at SR. Pull up your keyboard and make yourself at home.
Another resource is self help books. This jumped out at me from your post:
He has been programmed by her his whole life to listen to no one but her. He had virtually no friends in school because she guilt tripped him about it.
Your husband may be addicted to his mother's drama. If so, he is co-dependent. Melody Beattie wrote the bible on co-dependency: "Codependent No More". Check it out from your local library.
I agree that your family could benefit from AlAnon meetings. They are support groups for friends and families of alcoholics. You and your husband qualify. The meetings are based on the successful 12 steps of AA but adjusted for the family of alcoholics. Their reading material is helpful.
You will also find lots of experience and support here at SR. Pull up your keyboard and make yourself at home.
Another resource is self help books. This jumped out at me from your post:
He has been programmed by her his whole life to listen to no one but her. He had virtually no friends in school because she guilt tripped him about it.
Your husband may be addicted to his mother's drama. If so, he is co-dependent. Melody Beattie wrote the bible on co-dependency: "Codependent No More". Check it out from your local library.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 3
Thank you all so much! I will be sure and check everything out during the day. I would definitely be willing to do counseling and have ordered the Al-Anon newsletters. I'm not about my husband at this point. He is still having trouble admitting that the drinking is causing the problems.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Is it your husbands drinking or his mothers that are causing the problems?
Yes start with yourself. Fix yourself and you will detach from her drama and his. Imagine their faces when you say, "you know, I'm tired of this. You guys can cycle around and around in this drama. I"m taking the kids to get pumpkins."
Yes start with yourself. Fix yourself and you will detach from her drama and his. Imagine their faces when you say, "you know, I'm tired of this. You guys can cycle around and around in this drama. I"m taking the kids to get pumpkins."
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
with all the energy they are putting into this, they could actually be spending quality time with the kids.
I would also refuse to talk about it anymore with them. Really. What's it going to hurt?
PS) I know i"m giving you advice that you didn't ask for. I can't help it! It's worked wonders for me!
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