headinthesand

This is my 2nd post. I recently busted my husband taking narcotics (Tramadol) he was ordering online...it's been happening for 6-8 mos.--15 or so a day it turns out. This is AFTER he admitted two years ago to being addicted to vicadin--went off that cold turkey, but then became an alcoholic drinking 13-17 drinks a day. I helped him get through that, stood by him, got him counseling, etc...basically I worked harder than he did to get him sober. So, I'm thinking he's clean for the last 6-8 months and turns out he's back on pills. Needless to say, I was devastated and knew that I had to do something drastic to scare him into sobriety so I kicked him out. He's been staying at his parents house for nearly two weeks. Important to note that we have a 3 year old and 6 year old who are affected by all this. The good news (if there is such a thing when you're dealing with this) is that he is in intensive outpatient therapy...he knows his familiy's at stake and really seems to be trying to get better (we'll see how long that lasts).

First off, I feel like a total IDIOT for living with all this the past two years and not really seeing more signs. But, now I'm no longer enabling and told him I don't know what I want...not sure I can be married to someone I don't trust and who obviously has no respsect for me. Last Fri. he said he'd give me space. I was happy about that. So, NOW, last night, he texts me and says that he's tired of juggling rehab, work and time with the kids while living at his parents house (about 15 mins. away from home) and that all this is affecting his ability to get sober. He just doesn't think he can do it unless he's home. So, once again, I'm being guilted into taking him back...he's making ME feel like the bad guy in all this and that's not fair. On the other hand, he's going to end up drunk and homeless under a bridge somewhere if I don't take him back. UGH!

Somebody please tell me what to do.....I can't handle much more of this! I'm trying so hard to be strong and raise two kids by myself right now, while he has teams of people supporting him to get sober, and he still has to put this pressure on me. Right now, if it were up to me, I'd "walk" but financially that's going to be tough (as he let me give up my career a month ago to stay home and work for HIS family business making squat--knowing he was an addict). Plus, I do NOT want to pull my daughter out of her school and there aren't really any houses in this area I could afford on my own.

I love him as the father of my children, but don't I deserve some happiness at some point? I know I said the "better or worse" vows, but I've had enough "worse" in the last 2 years for a lifetime and at some point I need to cut my losses. I'm just not ready to have him home! I hate him for doing this to me and our kids..AGAIN!

justtakestime

I am right with ya!!!!! I'm going through the same thing!!!!! I have learned that you can't be bullied into taking someone back!!!!!!I have been so frustrated the last couple of days because my husband is telling me the same thing!!! He cannot work his program unless he knows that I am going to have a relationship with him.....well BULL SH**!!!! I AM NOT going to have a relationship until he is in a strong program and I will not listen to words....only actions!!! Read some of the very, very encouraging and helpful replies on my posts!!!! They are sooooooo true and have helped me tremendously. In fact, I haven't been able to stay off this site the last few days because every time I come back and look at replies...it is just what I needed. Get lots of support headinthesand!!!! You will need it!!!!! Keep coming back!!!! YOU CAN DO THIS!!!! Do it for yourself and your kids!!!! He is responsible for HIS recovery...not you!!!!

Outvoid

HITS,

If you're asking for advise, I would strongly suggest going to a CODA (Codependent Anonymous) meeting.

I am a recovering addict (Sex Addiction, Alcoholism, Drug Addiction) and my wife has behaved very much in the same way that you've described yourself as behaving.

That's codependency.

Codependency.

Codependency.

Do you see the patern here? He's an addict. He acts out and you are the one who has to help him and get him sober - in your mind.

But that is not your responsibility, husband or not, children or not. You are not reponsible for his actions or his addiction; he is.

I understand that you love him and want him to get better, but only he can get better if he wants badly enough to get better. If not, then you're wasting your time and beating yourself up over something that is completely out of your control.

My wife tried over and over to do everything in her power to help me stop acting out sexually and with booze and drugs. -- And she failed because the only way that I could stop acting out was to genuinely desire to do so myself, and be willing to work my own program of recovery.

My wife is now in COSA (Codependents of Sex Addicts) and also Al-Anon. She has learned how to own her voice, have healthy boundries, and how to deal with her own issues instead of focusing on mine.

And she is happy for the first time in her life.

You can be too. The only way to do so is to stop trying to "fix" your husband's problem. Only he can fix his own problems by working a program, having rigourous honesty, and working with a Higher Power.

This was the lesson that I had to learn as well. Today both myself and my wife are in recovery and our lives are much, much happier.

The CODA website is: Welcome to Co-Dependents Anonymous World Fellowship

I wish you the best in your own recovery.

--Outvoid--

gowest

First, he will end up homeless eventually if that is his fate. You taking him back now will not prevent that outcome, only delay it and do damage to you and your children in the process.

Also, which would you rather have happen, that he ends up under a bridge now when your children are little or in 10 years when they are 13 & 16 and they have been exposed and damaged by his behavior for a decade longer?

You can move into a teeny tiny apartment some where and know that you are doing the best you can to protect you and your children from the effects of living with an addict. Your kids are young they will be happy living where you are happy.

Moving your kids, pulling them out of school, etc is ALL EASIER when they are younger.

I think you answered your own questions -

There are many many women and men on this site who have taken the courageous step to leave. They have all said it was difficult but worth it.

Good luck.

sojourner

I know you might not be at all ready for the harsh reality of this post, but here goes.

If you decide to stay separated, get a lawyer and start the divorce process because that will protect you from any damage he might incur - loans he might take out and not pay back that you could be liable for, for example. Also, get in the divorce paperwork that this guy has a diagnosis of alcohol/drug addiction. That will give you the ability to protect your kids when he wants to see them for visitation and you know he's using. For example, because there's a documented diagnosis of addiction then it could be put in those divorce papers that he cannot have visitation while he is in active addiction. It's a lot easier to get your ducks in a row now than later.

This advice is for your protection and for the protection of your children. Your husband's addiction has become very large in his life and will become even larger interfering with his ability to protect you and your children from his actions.

Hang in there, keep coming back. You and your children are worth it.

cessy68

No one can tell you what to do, but plently of people can tell you here it will get worse.

I've been there.

I've taken him back.

It gets harder and harder each time to walk away, because they no longer see that you have solid boundaries.... THIS allows THEM the power to use drugs and do as they please IN YOUR home.

Stand tall and strong......... yet know YOU are not his answer. All that thinking is doing, is keeping your ego stroked, and his addiction fed.

Love,
cess

hello-kitty

Hi. No one can tell you what to do but I assure you that you can't go wrong if you draw firm boundaries based on the kind of behavior that is acceptable to you and then enforce those boundaries. Making him leave was a boundary which says that you will not allow a liar and a drug user around your kids. Letting him come back says that you didn't really mean it.

I know it feels hard and allowing him to come home would probably be easier than following through on the boundary you drew. But easy doesn't make it right. Easy doesn't fix a serious problem like drug addiction.

If he's not willing to do the uncomfortable work it takes to find recovery at his mothers house, he certainly isn't going to be willing to do it when life is easy at home.

Stand up for yourself and the children.

Do you know the saying, "If nothing changes, nothing changes." Well change is hard. But change is what is necessary.

Keep reading and posting!

cassandra2

Just my two cents that I learned from this very website....

If you are hearing alot of "I can only get sober if you help me" "I want to get sober to save US" "I will stay sober if you dont leave me" "My everyday responsibilities that I have are making me want to use or jepordize my sobriety" ITS ALL MANIPULATION BS!!!!

NOTHING absolutely NOTHING can cause and individual to use unless THEY CHOSE to do so. Remember that.

Also, before you consider allowing him to move back home really listen to what he is saying because to me it "sounds" like a relapse is coming. That isnt a guarantee statement but like I said if you listen to what he is saying you will "hear" the relapse a coming.

In early recovery alot of the same behaviors are present and still active until the addict starts to work through those issues. If manipulation is a factor then that means he isnt working through those issues.

From my past experience and looking at it as a whole I can pinpoint exactly where in the recovery process my RABF started to set himself up for a relapse, really started thinking about relapsing, and then finally the full relapse.

I know you really want to help and not feel that he will end up homeless and under a bridge but it really isnt up to you. This is where detaching will help. Its his choices that got him where he is not yours. He has to face his reality alone. You cant make or help him do that.

teke

now, for my 2 cents. i agree with you and all the others. his recovery is not your responsibility. focus on youi and the kids. i'm a recovering addict married but separated from an active addict of 23 yrs with 7 kids and it took me 21yrs of the back and forth, on and off marriage before i realized that i had to make a change if i wanted a change. i heard all those words too. watch his action and not his words.

it took for my family to allow me to suffer the consequences of my own bad choices before i got desperate enough to seek the help i needed on my own. imo, him living under a bridge may/may not be just what it will take for him to get serious about getting better for himself. unless he seeks help and follow through, it will get so much worse.

i think you are doing good right now, focus more on you and the kids, allow him to do the same. i had to explain to my ah that i couldn't take a chance on him moving home and possible all of us end up under that bridge with him.

i think its up to you whether you stay or leave but no that you don't have to decide until you are ready. praying for you and your family..

Impurrfect

I, too, am a recovering addict with a few loved ones who are addicts. The fact that he thinks he can't do this recovery thing without being home with you is BS. When we A's (addicts) want recovery bad enough, we will stand on our head in a corner if that's what it takes. We DO need support, but we need the support of other recovering addicts.

Having been on both sides of addction, my best advice is focus on you and the kids and let him focus on him and his recovery. He needs to deal with the consequences of his addiction and if life is hard on him right now? Well, I'm 2-1/2+ years into recovery and my life is STILL hard but I'm dealing with it. Part of it is consequences, and part of it is just life. I'm certainly not telling anyone in my family that "I can't do this without you". My recovery is totally MY responsibility, just as his is. He didn't stay clean when he was home before, did he?

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

ElegantlyWasted

Get support here and elsewhere. You have the ability to redifine what "normal is". Figure out what you want that makes you happy and go for it. Beating yourself for what happened in the
past is counter productive! Humbly on day 70.

MrsMagoo

I too thought that the last three times my AH went to rehab that I was doing him a favor by taking him back and allowing him to come back into our home. I was the one, however, assuming that I shouldn't kick him when he's down and that loving and supporting him was exactly what he needed. I kept deciding what his bottom was and this became a vicious cycle.

This last time, after being on SR for over a year and being in other recovery programs, I kicked him out. Of course he gladly went because historically I would beg him to come back but until then and in the meantime, he was granted full freedom to do as he pleased and he had the perfect excuse to use....me.

AH rented a room for about a month. He started using again and realized that he couldn't use and pay rent on unemployment so he went to the street (my worst nightmare come true!). He is now, after another month of sleeping wherever and in his truck, at a homeless shelter (I don't know how I feel about that). Hopefully he's clean. Hopefully they will provide him with some resources to get back on his feet. At first I thought he might just be there because he was sick or needed sleep after a binge but it appears that he might be staying.

What I'm trying to say is: My husband is homeless, not because of me, but because of his choices. Do I feel guilty sitting in the airconditioning, watching cable, sleeping in a bed and taking a hot shower whenever I want - oh he!! yeah. It about kills me - but so did his addiction. It's a different kind of crazy. He made the choices. He had opportunities and chances to make things right and to get himself better. Now it's my turn and I truly want to focus on me and the kids for the first time in a long time.

One day, maybe, he'll find himself again but he has to do it on his own and before I can consider trying to welcome him back into my home or life, he has to show me, for a solid year at least, that he is working a program and is serious about his recovery. Until then, I practice and practice and practice detachment as best I can every hour of the day. Some hours are better than others but I expect it won't always be like this.