whyamistaying

Is this right? Means to be aware of what role I am playing in this relationship with the AH (enabling, codependent). Acceptance - that I married to an alcoholic? That things are bad?

Action. Does this mean decide whether you are staying or going and if staying, learn to detach?

LaTeeDa

They can all mean many different things to many different people. And they are sequential. You cannot decide what ACTION means to you until you are completely and totally in a state of acceptance.

For me, it was much more than just accepting that I was married to an alcoholic and things were bad. I had to accept that nothing I could do would change him. I had to accept that I was the only one I could control. I had to accept that he might very well progress in his alcoholism to the point of death, without ever finding recovery. I had to accept that none of it was in my control.

Only then, could I decide about meaningful actions to take. One step at a time.

L

ItsmeAlice

Yes, yes, and yes. You may be having an epiphany here!

Keep expouding on these for yourself. There are really are no right and wrong answers. I discover new ways to look at these concepts on an almost daily basis.

Awareness can mean letting go of denial or the minimization of issues and seeing things without those blinders on.

Acceptance and Action can mean to stop struggling to fix or control or change or analyze what is happening around you but just let it be. It is what it is.

When I was at the point of making a decision to leave or stay and found I just couldn't make one, I worked on detaching, setting boundaries, and healing my own issues and I let the answer to the question come to me. It did so in a big way...probably so I wouldn't mistake it for anything else. LOL!

Your recovery is showing....looks good on you!

Alice

whyamistaying

Thank you. I am reading Al Anon literature like crazy. However, the last few weeks, I must admit I am feeling "different." Almost, like a depression. I don't have energy for much more than just daily living tasks.

Maybe that is part of acceptance. That I see everything and see it is not getting better. Maybe the denial is lifting. Or maybe I'm still in it.

Jadmack25

When I became aware of just how bad my life had become dealing with the actions of my ABF in full binge mode, and finally aware of how little respect I actually had for myself, and what I had become, I didn't want to accept it.
I just could not believe that I had become who I was, that I could possibly be as weak and gutless as I was. I sank into inertia, didn't feel like doing anything, even taking a shower was an effort, and cleaning......forget it.

I went to a very good and wise friend's home for 10 days, and in that time faced the truth, that I had given myself over to alcoholism by proxy. I had taken from ABF some actions and behaviors that I had NEVER even considered in the past, and been abused and insulted as never before. I was horrified, ashamed and finally, damned angry.

I returned home, and 2 weeks later when the lease renewal arrived, refused to sign it. Of course he was stunned, but I told him that he had controlled everything there even tho I was co-tenant, I wanted out now. He could take over the place on his own, drink himself stupid, entertain whoever and I needed to work my life out in peace.

I moved out as did he, both to separate places a few miles apart, and he did not know where I moved to, so I got my peace.

I read MB's books over and over, but kept refusing to believe I was co-dep, or even an enabler, so really I did not do much recovery mentally, but physically was much better.

It took nearly 7 more years of going thru the same binge, sober up, binge, sober up, with a lot of pain from it all, and 4 years of deep depression, before I found SR last September. That began my return to sanity, and a renewal of strength to find the old, confident, happy me of a long time ago.

Now I am aware of the pitfalls, can accept where I was and where I am now, and have been able to set and protect my boundaries. I have taken action where necessary, and am prepared to do so again, if I have to.

I also accept that sometimes old feelings come to the fore, but I recognise them before I get too far into trouble, and begin working to stop myself going back to that dark place I never want to be in again.

So far, praise God, all is well with ABF and I, and I believe that if he relapses I will not be going down that rocky road with him, because I deserve better than that.

God bless

harleyd101

It helps me to remember the four stages of grieving...Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. I know that I have to move through each, and I can't skip over one of them. Sometimes I go between two at a time, and that's O.K. It's all a process, and I have learned in Al-anon that codies are filled with shame and guilt when we first get into recovery. The hardest part for me was to realize that I had accepted the unacceptable in my life, and each time I put a boundry down, he trampled all over it, and I moved that line again and again for him, and each time he trampled it. I was so full of self-loathing, I couldn't believe that I had put up with everything he did. The cheating was the worst. That can knock you off your square for years. I felt so black on the inside, and the worst part was that I just kept signing up for more of the same. Nothing changes if nothing changes. He is the same, and the only thing I can change is myself. Today I want nothing to do with the pain he brings...I only want to get better and move beyond this. I don't want to hurt anymore, and I realize the only way to not hurt is to feel this hurt so I can move through it!!! My insanity kept me going around and around that mountain, doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. I believe that once my thinking started to change, my life started to change. I'm hanging on with everything I have, cause some days are harder than others. Thank God for SR and the people here!!!

GiveLove

Acceptance was very hard for me, and the struggle toward it put me in a depression.

Here's why that was so, for me: I did not want to accept it. I could not bear to accept it. Admitting that I was powerless to change things, and admitting that things were not going to get better -- ever -- felt like a death sentence to me because I could not imagine myself ever finding a situation that was healthy, happy, and right.

As long as I believed with all my heart that there was nothing "out there" better than what I had, then I thought I only had two choices: Stay in this unstable hell, or be lonely and afraid for the rest of my life.

I was so depressed. What kind of choice was that?

Unfortunately, my basic premise was incorrect.

There WAS a better life for me out there, I just didn't believe in it yet.

Doing work on myself, dragging myself out and exploring things I loved to do & be, working with a coach to improve specific areas of my happiness......all of that helped me to believe once again that there was something beautiful waiting for me out there if I could just shake off the shackles of my current situation.

When I once again had real options, then I could make intelligent decisions about whether I wanted to stay and accept, or let go and find happiness elsewhere.

But as long as I thought I was trapped, I suffered terrible depression.

Just my experiences...

Thumper

I feel depressed right now. I do think I have awareness, and acceptance of the reality right now, and I'm taking action or at least I keep plowing forward because there is so much to do.

I know I can't keep living this life. On the flip side, I can't see a good life in the future right now either. It all just seems so bleak and dim.

gerryP

The only way to get over something, is to go through it.....

Painful yes, but you will come out the other end.

whyamistaying

Thank you. Maybe it is because I am facing things that I see how hopeless this situation is. The say "one day at a time" and I truly struggle because I want to look to the future.

I wish it weren't true, but I see a man who doesn't care he lost his license to 2 DUIs and no real change in behavior. I am scared to death that once he drives again, he will get a 3rd DUI and that means months in jail.

I think I do accept that this is who he is. I beat myself up every day on why I am not divorced. Why I stay with someone who is vacant. When "people" want to talk about AH with, I don't want to. I can't control him. It is pointless to talk about it. I sense their frustration with me and I end up isolating myself from friends. I know they must think I am a loser.

I am doing okay on taking care of the kids and working my PT job, but other than that, I don't have much energy for anything. This year has been hellish. The year before that was bad too. I can't take this much longer. I am physically drained and upset with myself.

gerryP

I had a problem understanding "One day at a Time" also Whyam.

Live in today but plan for tomorrow.